staci hopson Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I have been married for eight years to my high school sweetheart. We have been together for a total of sixteen years. Why did we wait so long to get married? Because I was not ready for 100% commitment. We married when I was twenty-eight and he was thirty. We have three children which my husband is wonderful with, the kids love their father. About 5 years ago my husband started gambling, after a year of gambling he became a compulsive gambler, it was so bad he would spend his entire pay check on gambling, he would break down every now and then and say that he was going to get help and that he was going to quit. He sought counseling twice and each time he came out mad because he said that they didn't know what they were talking about and that how can they know they've never been an addict. I looked at it as an excuse for not wanting help. I am a Christian; therefore, even though I was furious at him many times, I stuck by him mainly because of the children and because I love him and wanted him to get help. Prior to his gambling he was always a good provider and was never late on a bill. We always had extra money in savings and were very financially secure. When we had our third child we had to dig into our savings and he thought that we just didn’t have enough and got “GREEDY”. We almost lost our home a couple of years ago, but by the grace of God we did not lose our home and the bank ended up owing us money. Since then he has been turning his paycheck over to me, he got a second job to pay off his gambling debts which are credit card debt, he keeps some spending money for himself, and even though I get his primary paycheck to cover our bills, I do believe that he was still gambling. Recently he found a friend that also likes to gamble, who introduced him to a gambling boat casino that is two hours from home. He has been traveling to this casino every Friday and Saturday night for the last two weekends and he doesn't get home until 7am. Then he sleeps all day on Saturday and Sunday, which is always the time we spend with our children. It seems like it is becoming a habit and for me to know how dangerous his gambling can be I am very furious and afraid. Just when I thought he was getting better. He thinks it is all right that he stays out all night. Do I think he is with another women during this time...it is possible but unlikely. He is so controlled by the gambling. But I do not think it is acceptable behavior for him to come and go as he pleases especially when he knows how much I dislike it...he does it anyway. When he goes he doesn’t tell me he is going because he knows I will fuss, so he just leaves the house when I am not paying attention. Please advise... The Lost Gamblers Wife Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 The first thing you could do is enter the word 'gambling help' into your favorite search engine. I happen to use Google. Read up on this topic! From there, you should have some ideas as to what you can do to convene before his habit gets anymore out of control. I had a friend who went thru the same thing with her husband some years ago......he had a hard time seeing it as little more than entertainment. However, information regarding this problem will tell you differently. Gambling is as dangerous and self destructive as a great many other vices. You need input, options and ideas as to how to deal with this. Till you get it resolved, you may want to hide away some funds from him to pay the essential bills...if it comes to that. See if you guys have any mutual friends or family to give you support and help you out in confronting this problem with him. GOOD LUCK! Please make sure and post back to let us know what you end up doing. I'm sure there are others in your position who can learn from your experience. Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
kamajerchin Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Compulsive Gabling is a disease. It can be arrested but never cured. Your husband has to want to stop and he needs to get help. He needs to got to Gambler's Anonymous and you should look into Gamanon. I am a compulsive gambler, I will have 1 year of "clean time" on 3-29-04 and I thank God for leading me to GA for help. It is unbelievable how insidious gambling can be and how it ruins lives. No one starts out to ruin their life with gambling but once they get out of control and cross the line they will never be able to gamble with control again. I feel bad for your husband because he is in the grips of a monster that will not let go. Call 1-800-Gambler for a meeting near you and encourage him to go and find the help he needs. It will change your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author staci hopson Posted September 15, 2004 Author Share Posted September 15, 2004 Well it has been about six months since I made my post. Thanks for the advise. He has always refused that he has a gambling problem and refused to seek counsel. I do handle the bills...thank God!! Here is an update. I discovered a month later (after posting) that my husband was seeing someone, she was one of his old clients, they had been involved for 3 weeks when I found out. When he went to the gambling casino boat she was with him each time. I kicked him out and since then he has been staying with this girl, well up until a week ago. This girl has a reputation of doing sexual favors for money, she is a drug user, she told him after he had unproctected sex with her that she has been with 35 men. He says that he does not want to be married and he does not want to pursue a relationship with her. He is at the house late at night and arrives in the morning to get the kids off to school. He is there with me and the kids all evening. He is at her apartment, let me add in the projects...we live in a very nice suburb...during the late hours of the night. On the weekends if he does not crash on my couch he is there early in the morning and stays until late night. In other words, he has no real relationship with this girl, he only sees her at night and she obvisously accepts this. Basically, he is having his cake and eatting it too, he still in sense has his home, his wife, and family life, then his project chick at night. His clothes are in my basement and in his car truck. He recently quit his job to collect his retirement money, he claims that is the only way to payoff his gambling debts and claims that he is trying to get it together. He has been staying at the house for a week now, I haven't said anything to him and he hasn't said anything to me about why he is not staying with her. I don't want him to get to comfortable because I am indeed ready to move on once the the dissolution is final. I think the reason I let him stay is that he is currently not working and if he was not at the house during the day (cleaning, doing laundry, doing homework, yard work, job seeking, ect) he would be out in the projects getting involved in Lord knows what. So I look at his staying there as a temporary situation until he gets his retirement and can get a place of his own. Regarding the dissolution, any mention of it to him he gets upset and avoids any talking about it. I think that he is in complete denial that it is over. I know that I am not making matters better by allowing him to be around the house so much. Should I make him leave now, after all he could leave on his own tonight or any time, nothing was ever discussed or should I let him stay there, observe his behavior, until he gets a place of his own?? Keep in mind, we have been together for 19 years and we have three young children. Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by staci hopson He recently quit his job to collect his retirement money, he claims that is the only way to payoff his gambling debts and claims that he is trying to get it together. ----------------------------- Should I make him leave now, after all he could leave on his own tonight or any time, nothing was ever discussed or should I let him stay there, observe his behavior, until he gets a place of his own?? Keep in mind, we have been together for 19 years and we have three young children. Staci, If you are even thinking about leaving him, bear in mind that you must see a lawyer immediately. The retirement money he is collecting, whether to truly pay off bills or gamble away is half yours as well. You are legally entitled to this money, and may need it if you do end up divorcing him. Don't wait, contact an attorney immediately, before you Husband has a chance to ruin your financial future even more. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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