Always dump her while she has still high interest !

[sumdude]

I think almost everyone here is taking the OP's comments incorrectly.

 

What he is saying makes perfect sense. If the r/l is going to end anyway, why wait for it to get crappy first? Am I right OP?

 

In my experience, waiting for it to 'hit the fan' before breaking up leads to way more heartache and bad feelings as opposed to ending it sooner.

 

I don't think the OP is condoning 'games' or hurting people on purpose.

 

This is what I read from it too though the thread title was misleading (unintentionally I'm sure).

 

If you hear the train coming it's best to get off the tracks. Then you might catch it at the next station rather than getting run over.

 

I wish I had this nugget of wisdom before my marriage ended. There's a chance I may have been able to rescue it. Instead I was deer in the headlights. Besides, it's always better to be the dumper than the dumped.

Edited January 19, 2011 by sumdude

[Woggle]

This is actually very true. At least in the case of my ex. I know she is still hung up on several of the guys she dated prior to me.

 

One guy just didnt even dump her, he just disappeared, never talking to her again, it's been 2 years, and it still hurts her and she still talks about him, and just about every other guy that's dumped her.

 

Oddly enough, I'm the only guy that she's ever dumped, maybe because I'm the only guy that stuck it long enough to put up with her crap. But I've reverse dumped her with NC and I know it's killin her inside.

 

Isn't it just nerve wracking. Most men just want a normal and healthy relationship but they have to deal with this crap that makes a man want to tear his hair out. Then they wonder why some men become players. It is easier than dealing with this drama.

[Woggle]

If a woman does not start the falling out of love process than don't pull this kind of thing but if a man senses any signs of it then yes he should leave her before she leaves him. Get out of town before the storm hits.

 

The rock legend analogy is good. Why do you think The Beatles are such a legendary group? They broke up at the height of their career while still putting out great music and never did anything together again. Sadly it is the same thing with artists that die young.

[GreenPolicy]

In my relationship I can look back and see signs of her detaching about a month before she dumped me, but we had agreed on getting married, were trying to get the parents together to meet. Six weeks before the b/u she's emailing me suggestions for wedding venues, a month before she's reminding me that our parents should meet for dinner. Hell five days before the b/u she's telling me what kind of engagement ring she wanted. I missed a couple red flags but they were balanced out by other very good signals. I can honestly say I couldn't have reasonably anticipated the b/u. So I don't know what I would have done differently in my case.

 

I thought we were on the same page as marriage and until the day she dumped me she never communicated any dissatisfaction with me or the r/l. The idea of dumping her would have been like "Why are you risking giving this up?"

[WTRanger]

Ahhh, treat someone like dirt and they'll stick to you like mud.

[East7]

In my relationship I can look back and see signs of her detaching about a month before she dumped me, but we had agreed on getting married, were trying to get the parents together to meet. Six weeks before the b/u she's emailing me suggestions for wedding venues, a month before she's reminding me that our parents should meet for dinner. Hell five days before the b/u she's telling me what kind of engagement ring she wanted. I missed a couple red flags but they were balanced out by other very good signals. I can honestly say I couldn't have reasonably anticipated the b/u. So I don't know what I would have done differently in my case.

 

I thought we were on the same page as marriage and until the day she dumped me she never communicated any dissatisfaction with me or the r/l. The idea of dumping her would have been like "Why are you risking giving this up?"

 

Sorry to hear that, I don't know your story but sometimes it is not easy to anticipate the break-up. I do believe though that there is always a reason why they go. A sane decent person doesn't break-up out of the blue without a good reason. Was she interested on another man? Or maybe she just wasn't ready to get married ?

[GreenPolicy]

Sorry to hear that, I don't know your story but sometimes it is not easy to anticipate the break-up. I do believe though that there is always a reason why they go. A sane decent person doesn't break-up out of the blue without a good reason. Was she interested on another man? Or maybe she just wasn't ready to get married ?

 

Wasn't ready to get married. I'm sure she's in a rebound situation by now. Basically abandonment, commitment, intimacy issues. Told me when we first started dating she'd never been with a guy longer than a year, had only two previous relationships that lasted that long. I got dumped two weeks shy of our first anniversary and right as I started solidifying plans to formally propose.

[East7]

Ahhh, treat someone like dirt and they'll stick to you like mud.

 

Again.. I don't support/suggest mistreating women to keep them attached, we are discussing here a way to prevent heartache and have a chance to keep her interest alive.

 

The thing is we sometimes ignore the red flags even if it looks like a Red-army march on 1st May. Sometimes woman keep their resentment inside and never address it.

Edited January 19, 2011 by East7

[Pyro]

If someone has to resort to these manipulative child games that says alot about their character and it says quite alot about the other person if their interest remains in the relationship after that.

[East7]

Wasn't ready to get married. I'm sure she's in a rebound situation by now. Basically abandonment, commitment, intimacy issues. Told me when we first started dating she'd never been with a guy longer than a year, had only two previous relationships that lasted that long. I got dumped two weeks shy of our first anniversary and right as I started solidifying plans to formally propose.

 

GP, I took the time to read your story (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/) . I understand your pain.

Well, it sounds like it was too fast, too soon (talking marriage after 5 months) plus it sounds like she used to treat you bad. My advice could have worked..Still I don't think she was someone reliable as M material.

 

If someone has to resort to these manipulative child games that says alot about their character and it says quite alot about the other person if their interest remains in the relationship after that.

 

I'm not sure you have read the thread.

[stillafool]

=East7;3203976

 

My advice, when you feel it is going south since a while and she is nagging tell her "Look, I think this relationship is not going well, I need some space right now" and go no contact. It works !

 

 

Okay, say you do this. What happens when you get back together and two weeks later she's losing interest again, do you dump her again and repeat?

[jlola]

East,

 

I completely agree wth you. Human nature s odd isn't it.Logically you would think treating someone well with great communication and no drama is what we all want. Well, most healthy folks anyway. It seems pining for someone who drops you in the mid of ithe infatuation stage is the norm. I can think of 3 people off hand who are going through the same thing.

 

#1. male friend who is gay. Involved with a man who sent him mixed signals. man will say he is the love of his life. then dumped him out of the blue and said he does not know what he wants.

 

#2 friend,female. Had man send her message of interest. man spent enormous amount of money tooo her. Then tells her he is not ready for relationship. THEN DOES IT AGAIN.

 

#3 Friend male. Gets together with a woman of different culture. The women does not like being away from family and goes back to her country. He begs her to come back but she goes back home again.

 

#4 friend male. In affair with marrired women and obsessed. Every once in awhile she will tell him she needs to work on her marriage. Then after a Few moths she will need the attention again and lure him with talk of ending her marriage so they can be together forever.

 

These are intelligent people. But notice the common denominator is carrot being dangled and taken away. Which builds obsession with object. Also making person much more valuable in your mind since the people are not living real everyday life together and spend more time pining for the other than actually together.

 

people say they want love. But a majority will find it with a healthy relationship and not know what to do with it. It is the relationships where carrot is being dangled and time apart is more common than time together that seem to get some folks heart racing. Real life together day in and day out does not create the drama most crave.

[suddendumpee]

I have to agree with what East7 is saying. There was a moment in my relationship (about 2 months before she ended it) where I detected some uncertainty. I suggested we step back a bit, talk less, and maybe even date other people. Her eyes welled up with tears and she said "What do you mean not talk as much? Like every other day? Or every three days?" I said "Maybe we shouldn't talk for a few weeks." She did NOT like this.

 

The following morning I woke up to a sweet text from her saying "I'm confused but I do not want to lose you. I care about you very deeply, I just have a funny way of dealing with it these days. I do not want to stop talking. I don't think anything good could come from that." So I caved and fell back into the old routine.

 

2 months later she ended things. Basically she wanted it to end ON HER CLOCK, and after she had another guy on deck. Basically, by not sticking to my guns, I helped segway her into her next relationship, instead of forcing her to be alone for a period where she MAY have missed me enough to see what she may lose out on.

 

There is no way of knowing if sticking to my guns would have changed the outcome. Maybe that would have been the end anyway, just 2 months earlier? Maybe it would have strengthened our relationship? Maybe things would have been better temporarily, then went back to her being "unsure". There is no way of knowing.

 

Honestly, I can give the advice, but I don't think I could have done things any differently. If I would have ended it, and we never got back together, she could have given the excuse "You left me, and I can't forgive that.", and I would have never been able to live with all the "what if's". I would think the relationship coming to an end was my fault.

 

The OP's advice seems sound, but beware of the implications. You are giving your ex a reason to not return to you. Can you live with the feeling of regret if the breakup becomes permanent?

[Woggle]

Okay, say you do this. What happens when you get back together and two weeks later she's losing interest again, do you dump her again and repeat?

 

Then you dump her for good and live happily ever after by yourself.

[East7]

It seems pining for someone who drops you in the mid of ithe infatuation stage is the norm. I can think of 3 people off hand who are going through the same thing.

 

It is the relationships where carrot is being dangled and time apart is more common than time together that seem to get some folks heart racing. Real life together day in and day out does not create the drama most crave.

 

Jlola, thanks for the examples and the great post.

 

The thing is that a relationship is rarely based on a mutual strong love. There is always one that loves more than the other and unfortunately the one who loves more, gives the store away too fast, too soon, too easily.

 

We always value more what we had when we lose it. And the one who loves the less doesn't realize this until she faces the loss. Backing-off or walking is sometimes giving a wake-up call not a manipulative action, like some here understand it.

 

I have to agree with what East7 is saying. There was a moment in my relationship (about 2 months before she ended it) where I detected some uncertainty. I suggested we step back a bit, talk less, and maybe even date other people.Her eyes welled up with tears and she said "What do you mean not talk as much? Like every other day? Or every three days?" I said "Maybe we shouldn't talk for a few weeks." She did NOT like this.

 

It means that her interest level went rocket high when she felt you were slipping away.

 

The following morning I woke up to a sweet text from her saying "I'm confused but I do not want to lose you. I care about you very deeply, I just have a funny way of dealing with it these days. I do not want to stop talking. I don't think anything good could come from that." So I caved and fell back into the old routine.

She had her wake-up call, but you didn't stick with it.

 

2 months later she ended things. Basically she wanted it to end ON HER CLOCK, and after she had another guy on deck. Basically, by not sticking to my guns, I helped segway her into her next relationship, instead of forcing her to be alone for a period where she MAY have missed me enough to see what she may lose out on.

 

Women always have an exit plan ! They always plan the break-up. (unless they catch you in bed with someone else..)

 

There is no way of knowing if sticking to my guns would have changed the outcome. Maybe that would have been the end anyway, just 2 months earlier? Maybe it would have strengthened our relationship? Maybe things would have been better temporarily, then went back to her being "unsure". There is no way of knowing.

 

No one can tell, but she would had her wake-up call, she would had realized that she lost a great and loving guy and she would probably have been begging you to come back. Make a woman insecure/guilty about her decision and you will always have another chance with her !

 

Honestly, I can give the advice, but I don't think I could have done things any differently. If I would have ended it, and we never got back together, she could have given the excuse "You left me, and I can't forgive that.", and I would have never been able to live with all the "what if's". I would think the relationship coming to an end was my fault.

 

If she had a strong personality maybe she wouldn't had ask you to come back but odds are that she would be thinking and wondering about you a long time aftermath and very probably not being emotionally available to someone else.

 

The OP's advice seems sound, but beware of the implications. You are giving your ex a reason to not return to you. Can you live with the feeling of regret if the breakup becomes permanent?

 

If you feel it is going downhill, what difference it makes? You can never lose if you back off.

 

Suddendumpee, I went back to read your threads. Sorry for your hurt especially that she left fro another guy.

 

I think she took you for granted at some point and you were so obviously into her that she didn't had time to miss you or get durably attached with you. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, I think she was somehow playing the loving GF while in fact she wasn't.

 

Also, IMO always handle very carefully the rebound relationships. You guys were both straight out of LTRs. You were the one who was emotionally available, maybe she wasn't, she only wanted to have some fun and forget her Ex. Someone like this is not longing for strings and it is very difficult to handle in a relationship.

[suddendumpee]

Thanks for the input. Check your PM.

[bl22]

 

Honestly, I can give the advice, but I don't think I could have done things any differently. If I would have ended it, and we never got back together, she could have given the excuse "You left me, and I can't forgive that.", and I would have never been able to live with all the "what if's". I would think the relationship coming to an end was my fault.

 

Can you live with the feeling of regret if the breakup becomes permanent?

 

This is exactly what ive been thinking.

 

Because SHE ended it on me, she will always have to live her life with 'what if' ....especially if things start to go wrong for her, she will always question herself and the choice she made of cutting me out when we had a great relationship...

something us as dumpees dont have to live with is regret or 'what ifs' because it wasnt OUR choice.

[Pyro]

I'm not sure you have read the thread.

 

I have read the thread and I still think its playing games. If I started noticing red flags, the thought of myself dumping her or backing off just to get her attraction back is absurd. Sounds a bit passive.

 

I'm the type to jump right in and talk to her about it and see if what is broken can be fixed. If not then I will end it but I will not sit there with the the thought in my head that she will come crawling back now that I dumped her.

[jenifer1972]

OMG thanks

 

I always believe in communication, being attentive at women's needs, but sometimes even if you are doing everything right, she is not into you anymore.

 

I think women "secretly" want a mixture of kindness and meanness, it is a question of dosage.

 

If you love her and want to repair the relationship, paradoxally it is better either to back off or literally dump her.

 

Thing is when you let things go downhill, she will remember the fights, the ending and the bitter part. For some odd reasons women will focus on the collapse of a relationship rather than the good times of it and end up saying "It would have never worked anyway, I don't regret him".

 

On the other side, if you walk while it is going south, she will keep the good memories, focus on them and probably wanting to get you back (even if she won't admit it).

 

I think it is psychological. Our memories, opinions and feelings crystallize at the last interaction with someone.

 

Take for instance a popular football player, a popular singer or whatever celebrity...When they brutally interrupt their career at the top of their success, they become a LEGEND. When they start to decline and become less successful, at the end they become just "has been-s".

 

 

 

Yes. If you walk away because you want it over, it is a choice, no need to "play games".

 

Yes. see above.

 

We agree! And she loses respect if you let her kill it slowly.

 

 

I don't understand why people can't understand that this goes BOTH ways!?

You just think it's only an experience of MEN, because you can never be in a woman's shoes, but let me tell you, I could say the same thing, only from the opposite side of the fence! And there are books on this. For example, "Why Men Prefer Bitches", etc. same story,.. different gender....

 

It's not a big conspiracy by women you know. And if you guys think we are so terrible, and you are so tormented and wronged by ALL women in this world, do yourself and women a favor, and for God's sake, be GAY.

[Trovador]

I don't see any wrong in protecting yourself or when you are fed up with the other's krap... I've done it, but not because I want them crawling back later but because I want to be happy and free, and most times they have come back...

 

I'm sure people who bash the OP experience have a strong affinity for being doormats...

[D78]

I have read the thread and I still think its playing games. If I started noticing red flags, the thought of myself dumping her or backing off just to get her attraction back is absurd. Sounds a bit passive.

 

I'm the type to jump right in and talk to her about it and see if what is broken can be fixed. If not then I will end it but I will not sit there with the the thought in my head that she will come crawling back now that I dumped her.

 

Pyro,

 

It sounds like you enjoy good relationships with effective communication, and this thread is geared more towards men who date women they can't stand. Many people don't realize the best way to fix someone's behavior is to address is directly.

[Taramere]

My advice, when you feel it is going south since a while and she is nagging tell her "Look, I think this relationship is not going well, I need some space right now" and go no contact. It works !

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but what you're advocating there isn't breaking up with somebody. It's simply saying "I need some space from you." I've said that to boyfriends and friends at times, and they've said it back to me at other times...either because some hostility has built up as a result of conflict, or because they're making too many demands on your time and other areas of your life are starting to suffer.

 

For me, the somewhat childish and unrealistic aspect of your advice is this view that giving a person space will result in them becoming all loved up on/obsessive about you. If you find that happens in your life, it suggests you tend to hook up with very unstable, low self esteem women. In my experience, if you indicate to other people that you need space, most of them will become mildly offended and respond with a certain amount of caution and coolness when you indicate that you're ready to enjoy their company again.

 

It's not a "strategy" to use to enhance relationships or to be more appealing to the opposite sex. Not unless your world is filled with some pretty messed up people. It's something you just have to do at times when people aren't taking the hint that they're making too many demands on your time and you need time away from them to get on with other things.

[East7]

And there are books on this. For example, "Why Men Prefer Bitches", etc. same story,.. different gender....

 

It's not a big conspiracy by women you know. And if you guys think we are so terrible, and you are so tormented and wronged by ALL women in this world, do yourself and women a favor, and for God's sake, be GAY.

 

No one here is saying that all women are terrible heart-breakers.

 

"Men prefer bitches" for the same reason that "Women like Bad-boys or players", it is about sexual and challenge attraction, but no man would marry a bitch and no woman would want a bad-boy for husband

 

I have read the thread and I still think its playing games. If I started noticing red flags, the thought of myself dumping her or backing off just to get her attraction back is absurd. Sounds a bit passive.

 

Yes it is passive and sounds absurd but if you run after her begging to talk and resolve the problem, she may become distant and inconsistent, or she will turn in the opposite direction. IMO in communication, there are 3 category of women :

 

1. Women who want their relationship to work are the ones who initiate communication and want to address their needs.

2. Women who are not very communicative and would rather prefer you guess their concerns yourself. They will claim "You don't understand me.."

3. Women who just don't care talking because the relationship is going downhill or their feelings are plummeting. These are women who may cheat or dump you out of the blue while you think everything is ok.

 

It is about the two latter categories which I'm talking about. The more a woman will lose her feelings, the less she will communicate with you.

 

I'm the type to jump right in and talk to her about it and see if what is broken can be fixed. If not then I will end it but I will not sit there with the the thought in my head that she will come crawling back now that I dumped her.

I'm glad you have a healthy relationship but your technique of good-communication guy will only work if your wife/GF loves you as much as you love her and the woman is secure and self-confident (which maybe your case).

 

If it was so easy to go and talk to repair a relationship, the marriage counselors would be jobless and there would be very few single people on earth.

[East7]

For me, the somewhat childish and unrealistic aspect of your advice is this view that giving a person space will result in them becoming all loved up on/obsessive about you. If you find that happens in your life, it suggests you tend to hook up with very unstable, low self esteem women.

 

Like some others posters who haven't read all the thread, I think you didn't quite got the concept : It is better to leave/back off while the decline has started rather than when the relationship has hit the bottom. This works with low or high self-esteem women.

 

In my experience, if you indicate to other people that you need space, most of them will become mildly offended and respond with a certain amount of caution and coolness when you indicate that you're ready to enjoy their company again.

 

Because they were the ones running after you with higher interest level and you with the lower. When you go and then come back and say "Hi, lets reconnect again" they are hurt and will likely not trust you.

[Taramere]

Like some others posters who haven't read all the thread, I think you didn't quite got the concept : It is better to leave/back off while the decline has started rather than when the relationship has hit the bottom. This works with low or high self-esteem women.

 

You're not obliged to read my post again, of course, but if you had done so you'd see that I'm in favour of people backing off and giving eachother some space when a relationship is in decline.

 

If you go to the extreme of actually ending a relationship, then I think you need to do it because you're very certain that it's dead - rather than because you hope to reignite the person's interest in you. Doing the latter is the fastest way to become the boy who cried wolf - and lose other people's respect as a result.

 

Because they were the ones running after you with higher interest level and you with the lower. When you go and then come back and say "Hi, lets reconnect again" they are hurt and will likely not trust you.

 

As I said before, I think it's perfectly normal for an individual to indicate that they need some space. I can be perfectly interested in somebody, but still need plenty of time away from them to attend to other things, and also to recharge. Most men I've dated have been more confident, noisier personalities than me. While that's fun to be around, it can become exhausting to play audience to that for long stretches of time.

 

If a person were going to be continually hurt and mistrustful as a result of my requirement for some personal space and time to get on with other things, then yes I would lose interest in them and the relationship would start to plummet. If somebody is pursuing me with emails, texts and telephone calls - despite me not having answered their previous ones, I think that's that's less about them being nice, caring people who are highly interested in me...more about them being narcissistic, attention seeking and needy to the point of rudeness.