Always dump her while she has still high interest !

[Eeyore79]

I got dumped two weeks shy of our first anniversary and right as I started solidifying plans to formally propose.

Bah, this is annoying. Why is it that women who don't want to be in a relationship are the ones getting proposed to, while decent women (such as myself) who actually want to commit to a nice man and try their best to make him happy are strung along and/or dumped?

[Woggle]

I know some men chase after bitches but while it does happen I have not known many men who dump good and caring women in order to chase after bitches. I know this might sound sexist but if I were female I could see me dumping my current wife to go back to my ex. Usually when men bend over backwards for a woman that does not treat them right it is because they blame themselves and think if they treat her better it would work.

[stillafool]

I have read the thread and I still think its playing games. If I started noticing red flags, the thought of myself dumping her or backing off just to get her attraction back is absurd. Sounds a bit passive.

 

I'm the type to jump right in and talk to her about it and see if what is broken can be fixed. If not then I will end it but I will not sit there with the the thought in my head that she will come crawling back now that I dumped her.

 

 

This, is the healthy attitude. Why would someone want to play games to get someone back who obviously doesn't want them and demonstrated it by breaking it off. Move on to a woman or guy who wants a relationship and acts like it.

[GreenPolicy]

This, is the healthy attitude. Why would someone want to play games to get someone back who obviously doesn't want them and demonstrated it by breaking it off. Move on to a woman or guy who wants a relationship and acts like it.

 

If you're a guy and you're in a relationship with an attractive woman, somebody who has no problem getting attention from other males, and you dump her, isn't it just as likely that she will be resentful at being dumped and take advantage of another guy being interested, instead of getting back together with the dumper?

[stillafool]

There's always a chance of anything happening; but more than likely she will have learned something from her last relationship and will try to be better, do better in her next relationship. That is providing she has that "connection" she is looking for in the new guy. I think this would be true for both sexes.

[OldSkool]

1. Women who want their relationship to work are the ones who initiate communication and want to address their needs.

2. Women who are not very communicative and would rather prefer you guess their concerns yourself. They will claim "You don't understand me.."

3. Women who just don't care talking because the relationship is going downhill or their feelings are plummeting. These are women who may cheat or dump you out of the blue while you think everything is ok.

 

It is about the two latter categories which I'm talking about. The more a woman will lose her feelings, the less she will communicate with you.

 

There was a joke on Seinfeld a long time ago. If you're driving down the road and a man wants you to stop, he'll hold up a sign that says STOP. If a woman wants you to stop, she'll hold up an octagonal red sign that says "if you really knew me you'd know what I want already".

 

I think that a lot of people here are missing some of the finer points. IME, (the majority) of women want a man who is a leader. Someone who can make decisions, take action and accept responsibility. However one of the finer traits of leadership is knowing when to defer. This leadership quality must also extend to the relationship to a lesser degree. It is the man who is supposed to plan the dates, the man who picks her up, the man who is supposed to choose the table, etc. etc. etc. Some of you will call me a chauvinist, or *gasp* "Stockholm Syndrome" or whatnot. Sorry it's just the way the world goes around. When a man leads, the woman respects him. When a man follows and begs, the woman stops respecting him.

 

Yes, in a perfect world, we would be able to talk to our partner about how we are feeling, and everything would just work out hunky dory. Theoretically we should also be able to communicate this way with our parents, our colleagues, our siblings, our bosses. Hey, it's not a perfect world. Just because your scenario works for you, doesn't mean that it works for everyone else. Been there, done that, bought the divorce papers.

 

Now on an aside, a man who does this again and again with the same partner has some deeper issues that he is going to have to address. This is what we call a "Hail Mary", and realistically can only be used once in a relationship. Anyone who has to do this more than once, should realize that the problems with the relationship are much deeper. One should also realize that this is not a sure thing. There is also the possibility that the time apart will cause the woman to realize that it really just wasn't right and breaking up was the right thing to do. The difference is she will still respect you even though she doesn't want to be with you.

 

To draw and analogy, it's like this. You and your partner are in an airplane (relationship) together. The airplane is overloaded, so you grab a chute and bail out. Since the plane is no longer overloaded, your partner can now make a safe landing, and once on the ground re-evaluate the situation.

 

If you refuse to bail out, and cling to the plane rather than take your chances alone, the plane will crash, with catastrophic results and you will never ever be able to put the pieces back together again.

[Pyro]

This, is the healthy attitude. Why would someone want to play games to get someone back who obviously doesn't want them and demonstrated it by breaking it off. Move on to a woman or guy who wants a relationship and acts like it.

 

thank you. If people practiced healthy attitudes more often rather than attempt to play games than maybe there would be more healthy relationships out there. These games are only creating drama and unnecessary BS.

[OldSkool]

thank you. If people practiced healthy attitudes more often rather than attempt to play games than maybe there would be more healthy relationships out there. These games are only creating drama and unnecessary BS.

 

If the drama and BS don't affect you, why worry about it? It's not your concern how other people tune their attitudes towards dating.

[Pyro]

If the drama and BS don't affect you, why worry about it? It's not your concern how other people tune their attitudes towards dating.

 

because the drama and BS will most likely lead to anger, bitterness, and heartbreak, which will lead more people here. The point here is to help people so that they aren't in a constant state of anger, bitterness, and heartbreak.

[donnamaybe]

All the game playing - every bit of it - is SO f'ing JUVENILE!

 

[donnamaybe]

If the drama and BS don't affect you, why worry about it? It's not your concern how other people tune their attitudes towards dating.

Um, yeah. Until it affects your son/daughter who might unknowingly meet up with one of the game playing juveniles.

[OldSkool]

Um, yeah. Until it affects your son/daughter who might unknowingly meet up with one of the game playing juveniles.

 

Well, hopefully if you are a good parent, you will have taught your son/daughter your values and if they respect you, then they will hold to those values, and if they are still a juvenile, then hopefully they will have mature and loving parents to turn to for support and counseling.

 

BTW, the "Won't someone think about the children" line has been completely overplayed. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? Trying to mold people to fit your idea of a Utopian society is called Fascism. People in this world get hurt all the time. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Some by accident some on purpose. It's called life.

[OldSkool]

because the drama and BS will most likely lead to anger, bitterness, and heartbreak, which will lead more people here. The point here is to help people so that they aren't in a constant state of anger, bitterness, and heartbreak.

 

Different strokes for different folks. If there was one universal right way to do it, then this forum would not be here. Furthermore neither this forum nor anyone on it is an absolute "Authority" on relationships. We are here to exchange ideas, provide comfort and suggestions, and share stories. If someone really needs help, they should seek it on a professional level. This forum is for something called commiseration.

 

Wannabe social engineers drive me up the wall!

Edited January 20, 2011 by OldSkool

[donnamaybe]

Well, hopefully if you are a good parent, you will have taught your son/daughter your values and if they respect you, then they will hold to those values, and if they are still a juvenile, then hopefully they will have mature and loving parents to turn to for support and counseling.

 

BTW, the "Won't someone think about the children" line has been completely overplayed. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? Trying to mold people to fit your idea of a Utopian society is called Fascism. People in this world get hurt all the time. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Some by accident some on purpose. It's called life.

Oh, good gawd!

 

Wouldn't "personal responsibility" also include that people shouldn't USE other people and play games with them?

 

Many people who have been raised to not treat others like crap will often be trusting, having been raised by someone who is someone they can place their trust in. Someone who has been raised by an a-hole, however, will be more likely to be UNtrusting, thus be more wary of jackasses.

 

How about we all just stop playing stupid, JUVENILE games and just act like grown ups? I supposed, for some, that's just too much to ask.

[donnamaybe]

Wannabe social engineers drive me up the wall!

And "already are" social adolescents disguised as adults make me wanna

[OldSkool]

Wouldn't "personal responsibility" also include that people shouldn't USE other people and play games with them?

 

..........................

 

How about we all just stop playing stupid, JUVENILE games and just act like grown ups? I supposed, for some, that's just too much to ask.

 

No, that's called accountability. Responsibility is understanding that life is not fair, that bad things happen to good people, and it's not right to try to reform the world as an outlet for your personal pain.

 

Nothing is more juvenile than trying to force change upon someone else to suit your ideals based solely upon your personal experince. Got a mirror handy?

[East7]

.... while decent women (such as myself) who actually want to commit to a nice man and try their best to make him happy are strung along and/or dumped?

 

I'm sure we have things in common. PM me !

 

All the game playing - every bit of it - is SO f'ing JUVENILE!

 

 

Backing-off isn't a game if your partner take you for granted and you are doing everything right. We always value more something when we lose it or when we risk to lose it. Sometimes we have to teach it to the partner in the hard way.

As OldSkool said, in a perfect world it would take a frank open conversation to magically save any relationship. In the REAL world it is a different story.

[donnamaybe]

Well, gee whiz. I guess my baby and I live in the real world then.

[East7]

Well, gee whiz. I guess my baby and I live in the real world then.

 

I know you are such a lucky gal Donna

Glad for you!

[donnamaybe]

I know you are such a lucky gal Donna

Glad for you!

Hey, you jacked that from my thread!

 

The thing is, E7, why would you even care if a gal who didn't appreciate you continued to want you, or that you could get her back some day? Seems to me that's a form of dwelling. I'd say good riddance to someone like that and move on to the next. At least that way you're not wasting your time or even your thoughts on some air headed princess type.

Edited January 20, 2011 by donnamaybe

[OldSkool]

And "already are" social adolescents disguised as adults make me wanna

 

And narcissistic control freaks disguised as people who want to "save the world" make me

 

Get it?

[donnamaybe]

And narcissistic control freaks disguised as people who want to "save the world" make me

 

Get it?

Oh, yeah. I get it.

 

So does everyone else who comes in contact with someone like you, I'm absolutely CERTAIN of it.

[East7]

Hey, you jacked that from my thread!

 

The thing is, E7, why would you even care if a gal who didn't appreciate you continued to want you, or that you could get her back some day? Seems to me that's a form of dwelling. I'd say good riddance to someone like that and move on to the next. At least that way you're not wasting your time or even your thoughts on some air headed princess type.

 

I agree in theory but easy to say, hard to practice

Because when we are still in love, we want our relationship to work, and paradoxally sometimes it takes to back-off and give a wake-up call before it is too late and the relationship is doomed.

[donnamaybe]

I agree in theory but easy to say, hard to practice

Because when we are still in love, we want our relationship to work, and paradoxally sometimes it takes to back-off and give a wake-up call before it is too late and the relationship is doomed.

But what is there to love about a gal who takes you for granted; who doesn't appreciate you? Do you think you can teach someone to feel gratitude or to want to do good things for you and want the best for you? You can't. There are just those kind of people you have to remove from your life so that YOUR life can be better.

[East7]

But what is there to love about a gal who takes you for granted; who doesn't appreciate you? Do you think you can teach someone to feel gratitude or to want to do good things for you and want the best for you? You can't. There are just those kind of people you have to remove from your life so that YOUR life can be better.

 

I understand your point, it is about self-respect and gratitude. If love was a logical choice, the relationships would have been very easy. The mutual respect and love does exist in mature relationships where both partners work to keep it healthy and happy, but that is nowadays becoming an exception "lucky gal"

 

The thread is about those relationships where one of the partners is slipping away. It is easy to say good riddance but most of the people would want to make it work and even where there is nothing to work or be saved, at least save some dignity and leave before it is hitting the bottom. When you let it hit the bottom, the memory of the relationship and your partner will be the worst ever, you'd feel humiliated and wrecked.