hopeless ex

[kerrie]

After years of dating the 'wrong" fella and working out what I need in a partner, I've finally met and fallen in love with someone who is more incredible than I even dreamed.

 

Six years ago he had a 'one night' stand with a girl he knew from the local pub. This girl lied to him about contraceptive, and he now pays more than $100 each and every week for child support. In line with all the traits I love about him, he has stayed around to be a 'dad' both with his time and his financial support.

 

this ex-one night stand has never worked a day in her life and now has two other children, conceived in the same manner (ie. her lies) but these other two men, unlike my man, took the bolt. She receives $500 a week from the governement (single mums are looked after quite well in OZ), over $100 a week from my man (worked very hard to develop a strong career and constantly studying to improve his career), rent assistance, and she now has a boyfriend living with her earning in excess of $600 a week (she legally should not be receiving any welfare and currently her house has a larger income than ours which is made up of two hard working professionals). And, guess what....she still can;'t pay her bills and my man is constantly running out to pay gas or whatever the latest thing is that will be cut off.

 

Because she doesn't know who the other men are, we now have three children to take out and indulge as she is too lazy to take them anywhere and kids need to be kept active. Not only does she never stick her hand in her pocket for a movie ticket for the two that aren't his, she usually hits him up for ten dollars for milk or bread or whatever. She keeps popping kids out so does that mean in five years we are takin five kids out?? Where does it stop? i am starting to resent the financial strain when I would rather spend this money on my nieces and nephews.

 

My issues are: she needs to put some of my mans money away for his daughters future (not a cent goes to the child but that is another story); she should at least recognise by way of a quick thank you here or there what is done for the other children; she should not call him, his parents or his grandparents for extra money (can you believe that??); he should stop letting her be so manipulaptive and put his foot down - when is enough enough??

 

Am I wrong to feel these feelings? It is causing a big strain as the way it stands, I can't talk about a future with him because on top of the $100 a week, we fork out around $50 more to take her children out and there for the financial strain she has caused means that when we have kids, I have to go straight back to work. Am I wrong in allowing these points to become an issue? How do you deal with someone who is obviously selfish, even when it comes to her own children, and quite frankly does not have a brain in her head??

 

I need some objective opinions here!!

 

Thanks,

 

Kerrie

 

Australia

[Tony T]

The cost of a one night stand is pretty high, not only down under but most anywhere.

 

It is OK for you to wonder why this or that about this welfare mother but you have no place telling her how to live. Maybe she needs to put money away for her children's future but she is not capable of doing that. She is hardly capable of living her own life. Perhaps your guy could get a court order allowing him to withhold money from the support to save for the child's future in a special court supervised savings account. There are probably some sad reasons why this woman has chosen such a trasy, irresponsible life but there's nothing you can do about it and there is nothing you can do to change it.

 

It is tragic that you have fallen deeply in love with a man who will be paying for kids for years to come. I don't have my slide rule or calculator handy but at this rate she could have six or seven more kids in the next ten years. That's a lot of money for your guy to be putting out each month for outings and incidentals. For a woman of her mentality, what better way to make a living than to have kids and have your husband make up for the government money she spends on herself?

 

You're going to have to talk to your guy. The best solution here is for him to petition the courts in your country to give him custody of his child, on the grounds that the mother is incompetent, insolvent, and obviously not capable of caring for all of her children in a positive way. A good lawyer can help him with this.

 

With custody of his child, he is then relieved from putting out money for any of the other children and can focus his energies on his child. His exposure to the mother would be drastically reduced.

 

If this can't be done, you must resolve yourself to the fact that the situation you dislike cannot improve but can only worsen. My suggestion is the only one that will pull this out but even there you will be a step mom to this child if you marry this guy.

 

I hope you get all this worked out.

 

By the way, are the steak and barbecue ribs in Australia as good as they say it is?

[annie]

Kerri - I have to say that the man you are in love with is indeed incredible!!! An incredible sap that is!!! You said this one night stand lied about contraception. I guess I'll never get over the fact that some men seem to think it's still the woman's responsibility for birth control. But, what's done is done. - And, if this "woman" is getting that kind of income, and your boyfriend forks over more than his child support - and also takes 2 other children on outings - I'm beginning to wonder which one of them doesn't have a brain in his/her head. As long as she knows he'll bail her out - she'll continue to bleed him - and you, too. And, what about this live in boyfriend of hers? Seems the two of them are taking the two of you for a joy ride. You do indeed need to put your foot down with him - and he needs to put his foot down with her, and let her know that he is no longer going to support 2 children who aren't his. And, if she can't handle money - then maybe she needs some counseling in this area. I don't know the laws in Australia, but he could attempt to get custody of his child - if that is a possibility. As long as he jumps when she snaps her fingers - it will only get worse. You need to have a talk with this boyfriend of yours, explain how you feel, and,if things don't change - you have 2 choices: 1) stay with him and continue as things are and grow more resentful every day or 2) Walk away from the situation. It's possible if he knows he's losing you - he will put his foot down with her. Good luck!!!

 

After years of dating the 'wrong" fella and working out what I need in a partner, I've finally met and fallen in love with someone who is more incredible than I even dreamed. Six years ago he had a 'one night' stand with a girl he knew from the local pub. This girl lied to him about contraceptive, and he now pays more than $100 each and every week for child support. In line with all the traits I love about him, he has stayed around to be a 'dad' both with his time and his financial support. this ex-one night stand has never worked a day in her life and now has two other children, conceived in the same manner (ie. her lies) but these other two men, unlike my man, took the bolt. She receives $500 a week from the governement (single mums are looked after quite well in OZ), over $100 a week from my man (worked very hard to develop a strong career and constantly studying to improve his career), rent assistance, and she now has a boyfriend living with her earning in excess of $600 a week (she legally should not be receiving any welfare and currently her house has a larger income than ours which is made up of two hard working professionals). And, guess what....she still can;'t pay her bills and my man is constantly running out to pay gas or whatever the latest thing is that will be cut off. Because she doesn't know who the other men are, we now have three children to take out and indulge as she is too lazy to take them anywhere and kids need to be kept active. Not only does she never stick her hand in her pocket for a movie ticket for the two that aren't his, she usually hits him up for ten dollars for milk or bread or whatever. She keeps popping kids out so does that mean in five years we are takin five kids out?? Where does it stop? i am starting to resent the financial strain when I would rather spend this money on my nieces and nephews. My issues are: she needs to put some of my mans money away for his daughters future (not a cent goes to the child but that is another story); she should at least recognise by way of a quick thank you here or there what is done for the other children; she should not call him, his parents or his grandparents for extra money (can you believe that??); he should stop letting her be so manipulaptive and put his foot down - when is enough enough??

 

Am I wrong to feel these feelings? It is causing a big strain as the way it stands, I can't talk about a future with him because on top of the $100 a week, we fork out around $50 more to take her children out and there for the financial strain she has caused means that when we have kids, I have to go straight back to work. Am I wrong in allowing these points to become an issue? How do you deal with someone who is obviously selfish, even when it comes to her own children, and quite frankly does not have a brain in her head?? I need some objective opinions here!! Thanks, Kerrie Australia

[kerrie]

The cost of a one night stand is pretty high, not only down under but most anywhere. It is OK for you to wonder why this or that about this welfare mother but you have no place telling her how to live. Maybe she needs to put money away for her children's future but she is not capable of doing that. She is hardly capable of living her own life. Perhaps your guy could get a court order allowing him to withhold money from the support to save for the child's future in a special court supervised savings account. There are probably some sad reasons why this woman has chosen such a trasy, irresponsible life but there's nothing you can do about it and there is nothing you can do to change it. It is tragic that you have fallen deeply in love with a man who will be paying for kids for years to come. I don't have my slide rule or calculator handy but at this rate she could have six or seven more kids in the next ten years. That's a lot of money for your guy to be putting out each month for outings and incidentals. For a woman of her mentality, what better way to make a living than to have kids and have your husband make up for the government money she spends on herself? You're going to have to talk to your guy. The best solution here is for him to petition the courts in your country to give him custody of his child, on the grounds that the mother is incompetent, insolvent, and obviously not capable of caring for all of her children in a positive way. A good lawyer can help him with this. With custody of his child, he is then relieved from putting out money for any of the other children and can focus his energies on his child. His exposure to the mother would be drastically reduced. If this can't be done, you must resolve yourself to the fact that the situation you dislike cannot improve but can only worsen. My suggestion is the only one that will pull this out but even there you will be a step mom to this child if you marry this guy. I hope you get all this worked out. By the way, are the steak and barbecue ribs in Australia as good as they say it is?

Thanks Tony,

 

You are right, there is not much about this situation I can change and I do realise I am being a little judgmental.

 

What frustrates me is I am starting to resent him (my guy) not putting his foot down with her blatant money sucking ways. I would never say it to him, but part of me wants to scream at him to be a man. Stand up for yourself. I know that isn't right because God knows he has suffered enough because of this liar (that was a big thing for me to get past, her deceit with the initial conception and subsequent selfishness toward this child in as much as she thinks she is the beneficiary of his money, not his daughter) and I certainly do not want to cause him anymore pain.

 

On a really selfish note, I am not financially (nor emotionally??) ready to be anyone's full time step mum yet and am flat out shuffling my family and friends around to do the kiddy stuff on weekends in the first place. I own my own business and as far as extra time goes, my three neices recently lost their dad and they deserve my time more than this womans other children.

 

I sometimes feel resentful that, because this woman, who has caused so much pain and hardship, can not be an emotional support to her kids - netherlone a financial - we have to donate even more time to her kids. Time that would otherwise be spent with my neices.

 

This is where it gets tricky and I feel torn...I feel as though we are being "martyrs" and am at the stage where I understand that we need to accept who she is, be there when needed for the other girls, but recognise that neither of these other two children are in any way biologically related to either of us.

 

I feel we need to look at changing the precedent set with taking all of the children out before she "pops" some more into our life. I know that isn't fair to the other girls, but at the end of the day it was not my man and I that chose to be irresponsible, it was their mother. Also, I am at the stage where, although I believe children are special, I am resenting the additional financial strain these other two are placing. We can't help all of the children from single parent homes, as nice as that would be.

 

Thing is, as far as the time stuff goes, it is his daughter and the right thing to do is to support him with my time. I am just not sure I can support his opinion of what we are morally obligated to supply to these other kids. And, I certainly can not support her money grabbing selfish ways. How do people learn boudaries in life if no-one sets them? Wouldn't us putting our foot down with the money help her on her path to budgeting (remember he house has more money coming into it than ours and I don't call his parents for money so why should she). But, if he won't stand up to her, then there isn't much I can do really except grin and bear it. Or face the fact that I will never get past this and move on.

 

I am seriously thinking about counselling because I can see the change in my emotions and I think resentment or/and strong dislike for anyone is not healthy.I also know I am being selfish and looking at this from a me, me me point of view. I hate being so selfish but one must also be realistic.

 

I obviously need to learn how to deal with this woman being such a strong part of my life (I still think it should be a brief encounter when we pick the kids up and the only reason she calls is because HIS daughter is in need of something..am I wrong??). My man's mum wants me to have it out with her, but as far as I am concerned, it should come from him and I will support him. Maybe I am looking toward him to show some strength and say 'enough is enough, i've done more than most guys would have and you are no longer using me for money'.

 

Having said all that, I do think we need a two or five year plan that includes the possibility of us taking custody of his biological daughter, when we are financially able for one of us to not work (we both work 7am - at least 7pm) so she doesn't go from having a mum at home to being babysat after school.

 

I know I probably sound selfish and I don't like it but the whole thing is getting out of control emotionally, for me anyway.

 

Thanks again,

 

Kerrie

 

ps: Steak is fantastic. Ribs aren't so big here, although you do see them on menu's etc.. What is worthy of a mention is the seafood and fresh produce. Nothing beats that shrimp on the barbie!

 

Pss: You mention she is not capable of putting money away. Considering she gets more money than us, isn't fair to assume that she has never had to learn to put money away.I mean, aren't we all capable of budgeting when we really have to. Cigarettes are $10 a packet here and she can smoke up to two packets of them a day. Maybe if we put our foot down with these unpaid bills she might conisder giving the smokes up and paying her own way, via the money given to her by honest tax payers (remember, she is not meant to be on welfare as she now has a working male living with her..which is how she is raking in in excess of $1200 a week.)

[Wiser Woman]

Can you say NUTS??? I am flabbergasted that you and he are spending all this time, money, emotion and everything else on this woman's kids. Yes, one is his, he has certain obligations for HIS child and always will, no doubt about it. BUT for all of the other kids? What is so VERY wrong with this picture? I admire the man for thinking he has some responsibility to entertain, take care of, whatever for the other two kids who are not his, but let's face it, it's not your responsiblity or his. Only his child is his responsibility. I agree with the other poster who said he should try for custody of his child. You will have to deal with the issue of whether you can handle being an instant mom, so to speak, if he is successful. You are already devoting much of yourself to these children because you love your man so it might not be so bad if he did gain custody. As long as you and he continue to support this deadbeat, useless woman she will continue to let you do it. She sounds like a waste of human flesh to be real honest and she needs to know the gravy train is about to come to a stop. He needs to tell her no uncertain terms that he is through supporting her useless, wasted way of life.