Telling a woman you're going to marry her one day

[Miko]

I've heard several stories, from my grandparents and several other happy married couples, of the guy casually telling a woman/girl "I'm going to marry you one day". I don't mean like spilling your guts all over the floor just...putting it out there casually. I remember my grandmother said my grandfather said that to her the first day they met and she said that she thought he was totally crazy. I've got this woman that I'm friends with and we have a blast together but for various reasons we can't date at the moment. I was thinking about just tossing it out there casually in the middle of a fun moment to see what happens, if anything, and maybe hope it stews for a while until situations change just so she has some idea that I think she's the coolest and want to one day make things happen without spilling my guts in a too serious (and shocking) manner.

[carhill]

It worked in your grandparent's time because gender and marital roles and responsibilities were different than they are now. Also, happily married couples have their own unique perspective. The details are unique to *their* relationship and not indicative of wider application.

 

Why can't you date at the moment?

[Miko]

It's complicated, other BF/GF issues, both of which don't look like they're going anywhere plus some other issues. I just don't want to go another year or two or however long without ever putting anything out there and end up friendzoned with someone awesome that I can't get enough of.

 

I figure I'd get an idea of what she though by how, and if she acted differently toward me afterwards. I do mean being casual about it and not elaborating or making a big long story, just saying it and moving on with whatever we're doing. It's just that with this one, she's always laughing, I'm always smiling, it's awesome but there's a couple things in the way right now that hopefully will be taken care of eventually.

[carhill]

'I find you very attractive and would love to date you. How do you feel about that?'

 

Listen.

 

That's your truth. If the part about her relationship precedes or obviates the part about how she feels about you, then that takes precedence and you should accept it and move on.

 

I'm presuming here that she is still in a relationship and that you are single. Is that correct?

 

Lastly, does this thread have any relevance here?

[Miko]

I appreciate your advice on being direct, don't get me wrong, I mean it. If I was quite sure she was where I'm at on this thing I probably would do that, but right now it's been developing slowly on her end (in my estimation). Plus, I've actually done that several times before in my life and ALWAYS crashed and burned, every single time...seriously it's been bad. If I were sure enough to do that I would just kiss her and get it over with. I want to feel her out while at the same time letting that bounce around in her head and see what kind of reaction I get.

 

To be honest, at 30 years old I've never once thought that I've met someone I would actually marry except now so I don't think it dishonest by any means. This is hitting me like a ton of bricks and I'm trying to avoid past mistakes and really want to progress fairly smoothly bc if I put that out there so directly and it goes bad I AM going to be a wreck like never before PLUS I will NOT be able to avoid her, I have to see again and again due to extended family relationships.

Edited January 19, 2011 by Miko

[carhill]

I recall many women I approached romantically who rejected me and we went on to still have polite and professional (in some cases, due to business) relationships after. It's part of what being an adult is. IMO, if you are respectful in your approach, and you sound like a respectful man, and she is equally so in her acceptance or rejection, only health can result. With acceptance, perhaps a healthy relationship and marriage; with rejection, clarity to process the attraction in its true form and accept it and move on.

 

I've done the limbo thing too, and far prefer the direct method, historically. Limbo perhaps is a path for some but worked quite poorly for myself. YMMV.

[Miko]

Limbo is tough man. It's easy when you don't have to see someone all the time. I've dated or hooked up with several girls that I hadn't seen in years but when you see each other all the time it's hard to keep things going without escalating one way or another, almost impossible. Seems like you just must make progress, however slowly. That's all I'm trying to do, baby steps, killing time basically and putting something out in the open. A serious statement in a casual manner at the right time I hope will help.

 

I was just curious for input on my particular approach. Any women out there have opinions on this?

[Miko]

Eh, I don't know about that idea. Does she even know you have feelings for her?

 

Well...as a fairly experienced man...I think so. I guess you can never be sure. That's half the point in doing it, is to see a reaction. I guess I just need to feel this one out. My big "plan" was pull that out at just the right moment after we had a great laugh, or when she does something crazy or something I just love that she did/said, and just tossing the words out there without any implications other than words without dwelling on it. I think you're a girl so you get that the moment and what happens after and how it's handled matters a LOT. I hope that she brushes it off, I brush it off, and then she bounces it around in her head for a while and I'll see a difference one way or another. Sound reasonable???

[Miko]

It sure will be interesting. I think I've got a slightly watered down approach as I think it may be too much at the moment. It's probably too risky for me right now. Maybe I'm getting a little excited, as I've always thought I'd marry someone really quickly or that I haven't dated for long.

 

I won't decide anything until the moment happens so we'll see I guess. I loooove this girl and don't want to spook her, just hopefully get it bouncing around behind those pretty big eyes lol. We're spending all night together tomorrow. Wish me luck and good judgment

[wierdmunky]

I kind of like it. It's just throwing it out there. If you do it, make it fun, flirty and not serious. If you guys think of each other as super close friends then it shouldn't be a huge deal. If she says "no we're not", well then it's probably best never to mention it again lol.

[Miko]

Well, here's the update. We ended up going shopping and I just threw out something a little more...cryptic I guess. Something about they're never going to give "us" that adopted baby (something she had been talking about) if you keep acting like that. We had a good laugh though and it wasn't weird. So...it's out there and I can forget about it for the moment.

 

On another note, she saw something reeeeally awesome that she just loved while we were there but she couldn't bring herself to spend the money on it. I ended up going back the next day picking it up, hiding it in her house and calling her a couple days later leading her to it and she was just crying she was so happy. I juuuust could not help it, I had to. I had to say that made my night. Glad to see her happy regardless if it helps my cause or not.

Edited January 25, 2011 by Miko

[sammyd]

Omg that is just so cute! What a sweet thing to do! I really hope it works out for you. It sounds like this lady likes you a lot, but . . . she is still in a relationship right?! Just be careful you don't end up being heartbroken over this, you sound like a really nice, caring person, but at the end of the day, she is still with someone else, and it's not fair on her partner either.