phoenix1 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I have been dating someone for a short time, great guy, but he is just really at the beginning of his custody battle, and a battle it will be. I understand it will be some time before things are resolved, but feel confused about how to best be there for him. Part of me feels like I should step back and not even date him right now, let him figure out his stuff. Another part of me feels horrible for just abandoning him during this difficult time. It's an issue because the stress, and time and energy this has taken have certainly made things hard for us. As he has said it is certainly hard for him to be present with all that he is dealing with right now. He has made it clear that he wants to see me still, but also understands if it won't work for me as he feels limited in how available he can be right now. I kinda feel like I should move on for the moment, but again feel awful just not been there for him. Ideally, we could have met later down the road, but things don't always work out that perfect in real life. Divorcing guys with kids - what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Take a few steps back and let him get his divorce, child custody situated. People are very rarely capable of dating in a cohesive, emotionally mature way until they have these things behind them a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 If there's any battles in divorce, it's probably a dynamic to avoid until things are settled. With children, even more so. Children run to the essence of who we are; our biological imperative. Often, in a divorce, children are pivotal to the issues and the emotions surrounding the process. Here's a boundary I use with women in such circumstances. I'm a supportive and understanding man. I empathize with their struggles. When I share positive and negative issues from my life, I watch for proactive support and empathy. If I don't see it, I discontinue dating them. There is imbalance psychologically. The other person is so wrapped up in their own stuff there is no room for someone else in any substantive way. This is part of why the LS ladies opined, when I solicited their opinion, that they would not date me as a separated man. I thought, even if a bit painful to hear, it was a wise perspective. My advice is, if you don't sense balance in your interactions with this man, give him the time and autonomy to process his issues. We're big boys. We can do it. Then, if there was/is truly a connection between you, and he demonstrates balance, you can explore the connection more fully. If you do sense balance, then proceed dating him, investing slowly. Like that song says, hold on loosely. Hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Author phoenix1 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 @carhill, I like this, it's a good meter. And thanks for the reminder, he's a big boy, he'll get through it. Just hard for me to walk away from people I care about, always has been. Haven't made a decision yet... "I'm a supportive and understanding man. I empathize with their struggles. When I share positive and negative issues from my life, I watch for proactive support and empathy. If I don't see it, I discontinue dating them. There is imbalance psychologically. The other person is so wrapped up in their own stuff there is no room for someone else in any substantive way." Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Actually, I'll append 'discontinue *dating* them' to 'discontinue *associating with* them', since it is very often that I meet up with such dynamics prior to officially dating a lady. It's part of the 'interview' process. I prefer not to associate with people whose world is so small that they fill it up completely. No room in there for me, which leaves me only as an orbiter. Unhealthy Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 They say divorced people should not date until a year after all is final. The success rate for those moving to another r quick is low. I say give him space - if its meant to be its meant to Be. Why is he getting divorced anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I have been dating someone for a short time, great guy, but he is just really at the beginning of his custody battle, and a battle it will be. I understand it will be some time before things are resolved, but feel confused about how to best be there for him. Part of me feels like I should step back and not even date him right now, let him figure out his stuff. Another part of me feels horrible for just abandoning him during this difficult time. It's an issue because the stress, and time and energy this has taken have certainly made things hard for us. As he has said it is certainly hard for him to be present with all that he is dealing with right now. He has made it clear that he wants to see me still, but also understands if it won't work for me as he feels limited in how available he can be right now. I kinda feel like I should move on for the moment, but again feel awful just not been there for him. Ideally, we could have met later down the road, but things don't always work out that perfect in real life. Divorcing guys with kids - what do you think? Back off and cut sex out completely until he is divorced and has been on his own for atleast 6 months. If he needs support, he can go talk to his brother, or other family members, or friends. To rely on you, lean on you during HIS divorce is wrong and not fair to you. He has nothing to give right now, no relationship is going to grow and thrive during a time like this. Have to ask, is he divorcing his wife to be with you or were they divorcing /separted before you met him? It makes a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author phoenix1 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 @whichwayisup No they are not divorcing because of me. They had been separated for a year when we met, and things were over way before that, and he left her. He actually does not overly lean on me, I don't feel emotionally over used, it's just people only have so much energy they can direct outward in their lives, which is common in this scenario, and this leaves leave little for me. He understands completely some of my need to step away, and supports that, although he still wants to see me, not for sex, but, well, he likes me and wants to keep in contact. I'm afraid I will have a hard time stepping back and just being friends, and not continuing to get emotionally involved. At anyone - when people say "wait until a year after the divorce" well jeez, that could be 2,3,4 years in contested divorces. Isn't that kind of a long time to wait to date or get involved with anybody? Link to post Share on other sites
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