When to let go.

[smeared_thought]

I really don't know why I am posting. After all, I know how to correct the situation I am in, but I can't seem to come to grips. Maybe I am seeking validation or maybe I am rambling and clearing my head.

 

I've been married nine years to a man I thought I once knew. Even though he had some mental and emotional problems, I stayed in my marriage because I believed in my vows and thought possibly things might get better.

 

Before we got married, I wasn't clearly in a healthy mind-set either (very low self esteem and confidence). Red flags sprouted out everywhere. I remember times when we dated and got into arguements, how I'd want to end the relationship then, because it didn't seem workable. Well, my finance(now husband) would threathen suicide if I left him. Actually there were times he stuck an electrical cord around his neck and tried to choke himself to death in front of me. Another time he cut up his left arm and he still has the scars to show for it to this day.

 

Not only was there manipulation tactics of suicide threats. He had a violent temper. He had smashed his fists through a glass coffee table, broke a phone by throwing it so hard, it came apart, literally. And when we married, our first apartment looked like a war zone. Before we moved out, I had to re-plaster walls because he smashed a kitchen chair into it.

 

Anyways, over the years, his physical temper halted. He no longer smashed things and didn't harm his body. Well, I guess he switched his physical anger to mental and emotional abuse. Over the years, we fought at least three times a week. And these weren't just little spats. These were yelling matches. I've been called a whore, bitch, a woman who has ****** up his life. And the list goes on.

 

Of course there were times I wanted to leave. Actually many. Sometimes I tried, but I am too weak and I resent myself for that greatly. I remember times when I would get my keys and he'd beat me to the door, blocking it and telling me, that I am not going anywhere and we're going to finish this s***. I would just cry and sob and then he would apologize. Other times I would try to call my family so they'd come and get me but he would grab the phone out of my hands or pull the plug.

 

Well today I think is the final straw. Out of all the things we've been through, I found out that he had placed an ad on a singles dating service. You know, out of all the things that have happened in our relationship, this has got to be the worse. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't feel attractive anymore because I wouldn't share physical intimacy with him. That is somewhat true. We aren't as intimate as we once use to be, but how can I make love to someone who has made me feel like nothing. So anyways, he wanted to see if others thought he was attractive by applying to his ad. Although he swears he hasn't met anyone, nor would he.

 

You know, I don't know what it is going to take for me to leave him. I know in my heart I want to, but I've never been able to make that step. Maybe I depend on him so much financially. I mean, when I wanted to work, he'd have a hissy fit if it wasn't the type of job he wanted me to work. I wanted to go into law, but he wouldn't have it. He said it's too dangerous. Plus, he said he liked taking care of me. Now I look back and I know why. Because he had all the control.

 

All I want to do is learn how to love myself and have enough strength to move on. I want to learn how to be independant and finally know what a healthy relationship is. I want to have children someday. Thank God we don't have any. He changed his mind after we got married and as I am getting older, time isn't on my side.

 

Well, I am rambling too much. If you've made it this far, sorry, I just needed to vent and maybe get some advice or validation. I know I need councelling, that's why I am in it.

[moimeme]

Please call your local women's shelter. If you can't find the number, call your city's crisis line and they'll give you the number of a shelter. They will give you instructions about how to leave. He will continue to hit you and abuse you, and it will get worse every time.

 

Here is a link to drawing up a personal safety plan plus lots of other information.

 

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml

 

Please, leave soon.

[Heartfelt]

It sounds like you definitely know what to do. You just have to do it. I want you to write down what you want in life and then write down how you're going to get it. You have to find "me" before "we". Thats a saying I was told a while back and it's so true. You've allowed him to control so much and thats why it's hard for you to leave. It really ticks me off to see spouses threaten suicide because they "can't live without you" and they "love you so much", but where is that love when all of the bad times are happening? Be glad you haven't had a child yet. That would make it 10 times harder to leave. I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep coming here and writing out your thoughts. It helps. You will get some support here and maybe be able to view things from perspectives you haven't tried yet once you read other's opinions on it. Surround yourself with close family and friends for support to make it easier to leave.

[from ND]

wow, yes I would say leave, thats what I had to do, and im a guy, I had the same things happen to me, only from my girlfriend. our aprtment looked like a warzone too, that type of environment, started to rub off on me, I have never hit anyone in a relationship, nor would I, but its happened to me, everytime I d leave she would call within a week wherever I was hiding out and beg me to come back or use some tactic like " ihave your paycheck" , I would go back to where we were living and forgive her thinking it would change, but within days or weeks, the same behavior would happen. Finally MY last straw came about 2 weeks ago, when I found out she had been with another man. I confronted her on it and she denied everythingh, but I knew it was true. I hopped an amtrak out of the town we are botyh from and came out to WAshington, its been hard, because I feel like i hurt HER, but she has not appologized, and maintains evrything is my fault, so i know i went with my instincts to protect my physical and emotional well being. do thi for yourself, if this guy will change, it would only be after you leave him, by staying in it, you only give him, the incentive to have more pwer and control over you, go to a web site its called abusive relationships.com, there is some good reading in there, you will see that its not in your head and help is available. you can read my post too

[smeared_thought]

Thank you all for your posts.

 

Moimeme- thank you for the link. It offers some good plans how to escape. I do have family that I could live with, but I really don't want to be a burden to them. I know of a few shelters local, but mainly children and women who are physcially abused go to them. He hasn't physically hit me, but he has to our home and to himself.

 

Heartfelt- I appreciate your compassion and support. You really have a wonderful heart and I am thankful you that you expressed your kind words to me. You are right about writing down goals and plans. I really need to focus on my future and what I am going to do to puruse happiness.

 

fromnd- I am so sorry that you had endure the same type of abuse. My heart goes out to you. I am glad to hear that you had enough courage to leave a situation like that. I admire your strength greatly. Thank you for writing and sharing your story, I pray that happiness prevails on your new found 'freedom' of a new life.

 

 

I am going to ramble again tonight, just to clear some thoughts from my head.

 

As far as today, things are odd and I am left more bitter and hurt than before. After writing my first post last night things got better then back down to worse. I feel like a huge idiot. I don't understand why I don't leave.

 

After I had posted last night on this forum, I had retrieved some information on the net about this dating site I found he was on. He claimed he didnt respond to any ads, well I found out that he lied. He has corresponded with three. He didn't come clean until I busted him.

 

Anyways, last night he finally broke down (so I thought). He said he wanted to get marriage councelling and some individual sessions for himself. He said that he would do anything in the world to make it up to me, just give him one more chance. He really seemed sincere, more sincere than I've ever seen him.

 

Well, in the morning I had asked him if I could check one more e-mail account that he uses because I had a hunch he was using it to chat to local ladies in town. Well, he absolutely went on a rampage about how I don't trust him (no duh) and that he swears nothing is in the e-mails. Well, I finally gave him an ulitimatum. I said, either you show me the account or you can file for a divorce. Because I don't trust you and you never come clean. He lies one lie after another. Last night was a pure example.

 

So, after I gave him the ultimatum, he decides to show me the e-mails in this account. But get this, I couldn't look at the sent and incoming boxes without turning my head away first. He had to check the messages before I read them. Then he wouldn't open the ones who had females names on the letters. After literally going at this one e-mail account for about 2 1/2 hours, I only got to read a handful. Only after I cried. And the few I did see, proved that he was talking to more women. But they were associates from work. In some of the e-mails to the women, he calls them princess and boo. But he says, he is only playing and they joke.

 

Then there was one part of the e-mails (incoming) that I was absolutely forbidden to look at. He said he didn't do anything wrong, but I should trust him.

 

I just feel like a fool. I know I am making the wrong choices and I should leave. You know, I just hurt all the way around. I know our relationship isn't healthy. But for some reason, it hurts more now than ever. Just thinking that he was talking to other women makes me feel like I am less of a person. I have always had self esteem issues and this has made it worse.

 

Why can't I just leave? Why do I allow this? I am so weak. I don't want to play the victim role. I remember being younger and I use to think if a man was ever abusive towards me, I wouldn't put up with it. Well here I am, eating my own words. Sometimes I feel like I just don't even want to be here. Boy, do I sound pathetic or what. Thank God I have a councelling session this Wednesday.

 

Anyways, sorry for the long post. Just rambling as usual. I need to get this off my chest...

[moimeme]

I am told by a friend who has studied such things that there is something called 'entrapment' which means a person in a situation like yours feels she can't leave because if she stays one more day, that may be the day that everything changes for the better.

 

Too, people who are emotionally abused end up thinking they can't leave for one reason or another. It may still be worthwhile to talk to one of the workers at the local shelter and get some insights from them. They can also refer you to a counsellor. I don't know what the point of marriage counselling might be, especially if you have no love left for him. However, if you can't drag yourself out, perhaps a counsellor will be able to help you disengage from each other.

[Fedup&givingup]

I feel your pain, and I KNOW what it's like to want to leave but yet you can't. It's like running in a dream. Heartfelt was right about making a list. Make a list of what your GOAL is, and then make a list of how you can reasonably accomplish it.

 

First and foremost...get at LEAST two sets of keys made up for your home and vehicle. Keep a set in the car and one where you can access them that your husband doesn't know about. Also, put together a "getaway bag" of some clothes and neccesities.

 

I'm sorry, but did you say your family is aware of this? If they aren't, you need to start talking to them now. Don't be surprised if they freak out, or whatever...don't give them any more information that you aren't sure they can handle. I guess I'm saying is you need to create a support system.

 

Stash money if you have to...the best thing I can advise is to turn cash into traveler's checks. HIDE them, but keep them where you can obtain them if you need to leave.

 

Another suggestion...when he gets all crazy and won't let you leave and takes your keys, etc. when you've tried to leave...don't try to leave again when he gets like this. I know it's hard, but just sort of let him calm himself down and work himself out of it. Leave when he's sleeping.

 

I know what you are going through. You need to start making a life for yourself so that you can get out of this one that you are in. You can do it, and do NOT let him keep you from working. If you have to BS him and make him think you are doing it all for your lives together, do it.

 

As for the online dating service, good riddance! I mean, let him do whatever he has to get himself flattered. Let him knock himself out. Don't even try to focus or think about that for now. Think about Y-O-U.

 

You will get A LOT of support and encouragement from LS.

[Fedup&givingup]

Too, people who are emotionally abused end up thinking they can't leave for one reason or another.

 

Exactly. When you feel financially dependent on someone, that's a major factor. The abuser makes you feel dependent on them, and they remind you very regularly that you cannot make it without them.

[Arabess]

Smeared Thoughts.....

I think your name says everything! It's as though you are completely lost with undefined thoughts...which I understand....comes with those feelings of lost self esteem and feelings of emotional abandonment.

 

Many people on LS are giving you good advice. I'm going to ask you to focus on and follow the links and advice which you recieved from Moimeme....who has knowledge on this subject. I know if you need more individual help....she is only a PM away!

 

I think your relationship is in a deep dark place you need to escape from. There is NO REASON to stay with anyone who makes you feel the way you are feeling. I understand your concern about finances, but there are safe houses and agencies which are available to help you move into some financial independence.

 

YOU aren't for sale. You are a person with WORTH.....way beyond a mortgage or a bank account.

 

Make a list of your options....friends, family or a local shelter. GET HELP to GET OUT!

 

Arabess

[staci hopson]

Originally posted by smeared_thought

Thank you all for your posts.

 

Moimeme- thank you for the link. It offers some good plans how to escape. I do have family that I could live with, but I really don't want to be a burden to them. I know of a few shelters local, but mainly children and women who are physcially abused go to them. He hasn't physically hit me, but he has to our home and to himself.

 

Heartfelt- I appreciate your compassion and support. You really have a wonderful heart and I am thankful you that you expressed your kind words to me. You are right about writing down goals and plans. I really need to focus on my future and what I am going to do to puruse happiness.

 

fromnd- I am so sorry that you had endure the same type of abuse. My heart goes out to you. I am glad to hear that you had enough courage to leave a situation like that. I admire your strength greatly. Thank you for writing and sharing your story, I pray that happiness prevails on your new found 'freedom' of a new life.

 

 

I am going to ramble again tonight, just to clear some thoughts from my head.

 

As far as today, things are odd and I am left more bitter and hurt than before. After writing my first post last night things got better then back down to worse. I feel like a huge idiot. I don't understand why I don't leave.

 

After I had posted last night on this forum, I had retrieved some information on the net about this dating site I found he was on. He claimed he didnt respond to any ads, well I found out that he lied. He has corresponded with three. He didn't come clean until I busted him.

 

Anyways, last night he finally broke down (so I thought). He said he wanted to get marriage councelling and some individual sessions for himself. He said that he would do anything in the world to make it up to me, just give him one more chance. He really seemed sincere, more sincere than I've ever seen him.

 

Well, in the morning I had asked him if I could check one more e-mail account that he uses because I had a hunch he was using it to chat to local ladies in town. Well, he absolutely went on a rampage about how I don't trust him (no duh) and that he swears nothing is in the e-mails. Well, I finally gave him an ulitimatum. I said, either you show me the account or you can file for a divorce. Because I don't trust you and you never come clean. He lies one lie after another. Last night was a pure example.

 

So, after I gave him the ultimatum, he decides to show me the e-mails in this account. But get this, I couldn't look at the sent and incoming boxes without turning my head away first. He had to check the messages before I read them. Then he wouldn't open the ones who had females names on the letters. After literally going at this one e-mail account for about 2 1/2 hours, I only got to read a handful. Only after I cried. And the few I did see, proved that he was talking to more women. But they were associates from work. In some of the e-mails to the women, he calls them princess and boo. But he says, he is only playing and they joke.

 

Then there was one part of the e-mails (incoming) that I was absolutely forbidden to look at. He said he didn't do anything wrong, but I should trust him.

 

I just feel like a fool. I know I am making the wrong choices and I should leave. You know, I just hurt all the way around. I know our relationship isn't healthy. But for some reason, it hurts more now than ever. Just thinking that he was talking to other women makes me feel like I am less of a person. I have always had self esteem issues and this has made it worse.

 

Why can't I just leave? Why do I allow this? I am so weak. I don't want to play the victim role. I remember being younger and I use to think if a man was ever abusive towards me, I wouldn't put up with it. Well here I am, eating my own words. Sometimes I feel like I just don't even want to be here. Boy, do I sound pathetic or what. Thank God I have a councelling session this Wednesday.

 

Anyways, sorry for the long post. Just rambling as usual. I need to get this off my chest...

[smeared_thought]

Again, thank you all for your helpful posts. They are extremely encouraging.

 

Moimeme- I never heard the term entrapment before. But it makes a lot of sense. Right now, I am in counceling. As a matter of fact, I will be leaving here shortly and discuss this past week with her (my councelor). That's when I found out my husband was posting ads on dating sites.

 

Fedup- thank you for your post. It helped me feel better knowing someone else can identify and relate with the same type of pain. I took your advice and I made a list of some of my future goals. One of the top goals would be finding a career. I went out this week to the Human Resources Department and submitted my application to the academy. They're not sure when the next academy starts, but they said they'll send in the information. In the meantime, I am trying to find side work for now.

 

Arabess, thank you for the reply. You're right, this site has been very helpful. And it proves how caring people can be to strangers and people they don't even know. One line in your post hit home, very good quote to say the least. "YOU aren't for sale. You are a person with WORTH.....way beyond a mortgage or a bank account." That statement really brought some depth in my thoughts. Thank you.

 

As for me, I just can't wait until I talk to my councelor today. I have so much to tell. I feel all this pain in the bottom of my stomach and I just need to release it.

 

I miss having friends. I had a few best friends back in the day before my husband told me that he can't stand them and I had to cut them off. So for years, I've been secluded to my home. With the exception of visiting family.

 

I just want to learn how to be happy again. I want to know what it is like to have confidence and esteem. I really want to work on myself. Well, I need to get ready to go. Just rambling again.

 

Thanks to all who have taken the time to write to me and give me encouragement. It's been a blessing.