Is it over?

[redhead30]

I've been married for 8 years to a man I got involved with at age 19. I'm 30 now, we have 2 kids and are completely unhappy with each other. He was unfaithful repeatedly prior to marriage (although I didn't find out until after marriage and very publicly) and I worked very hard to get over it. When I got pregnant with my daughter (first child), he continued to drink and party and generally refused to grow up and be a dad. When our daughter was about 2 or 3, I'm not sure, he began an online (or so they tell me) relationship with an ex-girlfriend he only dated for 3 months when they were 17. Needless to say, all the old infidelity issues came up again and I didn't even discover this emotional affair until I was pregnant with my second child, well after the 'online' relationship was begun. I found out he continued to tell her private things about me and basically bad mouth me to her and her friend who he also had a secret relationship with.

 

Additionally, every 6 months or so, he blows up and becomes borderline violent and pushes and shoves me forcefully and once ran over my foot after kicking me out of the car while I was pregnant with my second child with my daughter in the car. While I am not afraid of him actually hitting me, he is terrorizing me and my children with this behavior. Afterwards, he is very calm, almost a different person and pretends things are not actually like this or that it's my fault and I drove him to it.

 

I do believe he has worked hard to improve his relationship with his children and be a real father and become more involved with them as he should be, but I think he holds some sort of grudge against our daughter, who is so much like me it's scary. He's also stopped drinking so much and stays home more and has started going to school and is generally trying, I believe.

 

However, I no longer trust him and this has become a huge issue for me and for him as well. I believe on one hand he really is trying, but I've believed it before and been totally wrong.

 

Also, I cannot remember the last time we had sex, nor do I have any interest in it any longer as he is so uncommunicative and unresponsive and pretends our problems are my fault or non-existant.

 

My dilemma is that while I know these violent outbursts are not my fault and unacceptable (I have asked him for couples counseling and counseling for his anger - he refuses), I do see progress in other areas. Where do I go from here?

[moimeme]

Please call your local women's shelter. If you can't find the number, call your city's crisis line and they'll give you the number of a shelter. They will give you instructions about how to leave. He will continue to hit you and abuse you, and it will get worse every time.

 

Here is a link to drawing up a personal safety plan plus lots of other information.

 

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml

 

For the sake of you and your children, leave him very soon. You can't afford to wait until he harms one of you badly.

[Samson]

Moimeme, I agree that the guy was an out of control monster at one time, but now:

 

he has worked hard to improve his relationship with his children and be a real father and become more involved with them as he should be, but I think he holds some sort of grudge against our daughter, who is so much like me it's scary. He's also stopped drinking so much and stays home more and has started going to school and is generally trying, I believe.

 

The reason Red, you cannot trust him or want sex, is that you cannot forgive him. I would be surprised if not being able to forgive would make anything about the marriage good.

 

I'm not saying you should forgive, but it might be worth thinking about before packing up to move into a women's shelter with two kids. Which would be easier to try first?

[moimeme]

Samson: These two paragraphs trump everything else. Live with a man who violently attacks you someday and THEN figure how smart it is to tell somebody to 'forgive' this BS.

 

Additionally, every 6 months or so, he blows up and becomes borderline violent and pushes and shoves me forcefully and once ran over my foot after kicking me out of the car while I was pregnant with my second child with my daughter in the car

 

My dilemma is that while I know these violent outbursts are not my fault and unacceptable (I have asked him for couples counseling and counseling for his anger - he refuses)

[reasontosigh]

I'm with moi on this one.

 

While I am not afraid of him actually hitting me, he is terrorizing me and my children with this behavior. Afterwards, he is very calm, almost a different person....

 

You just can't tell if one day he'll escalate, and not be able to calm down. The terrorizing alone says more than enough for me, to be honest.

 

She's got to start taking steps now.

[Samson]

THEN figure how smart it is

 

If I didn't know any better, Moimeme, I'd say you just called my advise "stupid."

 

Well, I'm improving, I hope: At least it wasn't a "stupid question!"

 

At any rate, you hold the grudges. Maybe it "works for you." Maybe moving into a "shelter" with two kids works for you. Maybe being children of a single mother will work out just spendidly. Maybe it will work for Red, OR MAYBE THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE?

 

Oh, sorry,

 

The only "acceptable" alternatives seem to be your own!

[zarathustra]

Where do I go from here?

 

 

Straight out of that tense house, out of that broken marriage and out of that destructive relationship. Some problematic relationships are worth preserving; some are not. Yours is most definitely in the "not" category.

 

If not for your own self-respect and self-preservation, then for the sake of your children (especially your daughter against whom this impulsive, violent and selfish man holds an inexplicable grudge), leave him. "Trying" is sometimes not enough.

 

It's over. Your marriage has flatlined.

 

Don't bother with any CPR.