Is my husband staying in the marriage JUST because of the children?

[redhead30]

I truly believe my husband is staying in our marriage because we have children. What should I do to get him to come clean?

[dyermaker]

By getting him to verbally concede to being uninterested in the relationship, what do you hope to acheive?

[Samson]

I too await the interesting reply to your excellent question, Dyer.

 

But the hint of the answer is in the thread's title, the word "Just," implies that the writer believes the children's welfare is less significant than her own.

 

Many might see the value the husband places on his children's welfare being better in his marriage than in his divorce as something "nobel," but we can guess where Redhead stands in the debate.

[Arabess]

I suppose another question to consider is: Do YOU want the marriage to continue for the sake of the children IF he is no longer in love with you?

 

I probably wouldn't. I would hate to spend my whole life in a loveless marriage. Other people though, feel that keeping a family together is the better choice. So, it really comes down to what YOU want.

 

I think you should come out and ask him how he feels....then be prepared to make a decision.

[moimeme]

He abuses you. Why do you care why he stays?

[Samson]

Wish we could put the two related Red-threads together.

 

Otherwise, Moimeme, I'd really be thrown by your abuse comment. As it is, I have to wonder what you mean by using the present tense: True, the guy WAS abusive, but even Red states in the inconveinently separate thread, that this is not the case NOW.

[Samson]

Redhead30's original post:

 

Is it over? Post: 1 | Quote:

 

I've been married for 8 years to a man I got involved with at age 19. I'm 30 now, we have 2 kids and are completely unhappy with each other. He was unfaithful repeatedly prior to marriage (although I didn't find out until after marriage and very publicly) and I worked very hard to get over it. When I got pregnant with my daughter (first child), he continued to drink and party and generally refused to grow up and be a dad. When our daughter was about 2 or 3, I'm not sure, he began an online (or so they tell me) relationship with an ex-girlfriend he only dated for 3 months when they were 17. Needless to say, all the old infidelity issues came up again and I didn't even discover this emotional affair until I was pregnant with my second child, well after the 'online' relationship was begun. I found out he continued to tell her private things about me and basically bad mouth me to her and her friend who he also had a secret relationship with.

 

Additionally, every 6 months or so, he blows up and becomes borderline violent and pushes and shoves me forcefully and once ran over my foot after kicking me out of the car while I was pregnant with my second child with my daughter in the car. While I am not afraid of him actually hitting me, he is terrorizing me and my children with this behavior. Afterwards, he is very calm, almost a different person and pretends things are not actually like this or that it's my fault and I drove him to it.

 

I do believe he has worked hard to improve his relationship with his children and be a real father and become more involved with them as he should be, but I think he holds some sort of grudge against our daughter, who is so much like me it's scary. He's also stopped drinking so much and stays home more and has started going to school and is generally trying, I believe.

 

However, I no longer trust him and this has become a huge issue for me and for him as well. I believe on one hand he really is trying, but I've believed it before and been totally wrong.

 

Also, I cannot remember the last time we had sex, nor do I have any interest in it any longer as he is so uncommunicative and unresponsive and pretends our problems are my fault or non-existant.

 

My dilemma is that while I know these violent outbursts are not my fault and unacceptable (I have asked him for couples counseling and counseling for his anger - he refuses), I do see progress in other areas. Where do I go from here?

[moimeme]

Samson,

 

IF you knew anything at all about abuse, you would comprehend that men who abuse do not just stop doing it. She has related several egregious episodes. That is enough. All the information out there (which is freely available, should you wish to educate yourself) says that the facts are that people who abuse continue to abuse, and that the abuse only escalates.

[Samson]

The expert generalist speaks: There is a forest, but I cannot see any trees.

 

Get off your high-horse Moimeme. The condescending attitude isn't attractive. Afterward you might try to read the post written by an individual, not a statistic.

[moimeme]

I did, Samson. Next time you read a post, maybe quit ignoring the bits that describe the unacceptable behaviour on the man's part and seeing only the bits that indicate he isn't a complete jerk. Then, read up on 'confirmation bias' and 'selective perception'.

 

Got misogyny?

 

It appears to me that you believe that anyone who takes offence at a man's bad behaviour is a man-hater. Not so, and on many occasions I have urged the woman to make allowances or give leeway to the man. But not in cases of abuse.

 

I repeat. Abuse trumps the rest. My abuser had good points, too. That didn't stop him from trying to harm me.

[Samson]

Here's what's happening NOW:

 

I do believe he has worked hard to improve his relationship with his children and be a real father and become more involved with them as he should be, but I think he holds some sort of grudge against our daughter, who is so much like me it's scary. He's also stopped drinking so much and stays home more and has started going to school and is generally trying, I believe.

 

AND

 

However, I no longer trust him and this has become a huge issue for me and for him as well. I believe on one hand he really is trying, but I've believed it before and been totally wrong.

 

Often, we project our own experience onto others. This doen't make for the best advise all the time. If you can open yourself up to anyone else's opinion, the perhaps you'd see some value in objectivity, Red. Quite obviously, this isn't the easiest approach, but neither is raising two kids out of a women's shelter. I've seen the results, and they're not pretty.

 

Of course if the guy resumes his monsterous behavior, then there's really no choice.

[moimeme]

But she said that his abusive episodes happen every six months or so, which means that they don't happen all the time. These periods in between are called the 'honeymoon episodes'. Eventually, the time between them shortens. During each 'honeymoon', the man appears (and is) sorry for what has gone before and appears to be making progress. Then there's another episode, which is why, no doubt, she says that she thought he was improving before and found out she was wrong. This is classic of the abuse syndrome. Like it or not, these things follow a known pattern.

 

She could wait for one more episode to confirm that he's a problem, and pray that nobody will get badly harmed (not a risk I'd take) but there's no reason not to have a safety plan in place in case she needs it, inform herself, and be ready no matter what she decides to do in the interim.

[reasontosigh]

I repeat. Abuse trumps the rest. My abuser had good points, too. That didn't stop him from trying to harm me.

 

I'm right here if you need another statistic, Samson.

 

She could wait for one more episode to confirm that he's a problem, and pray that nobody will get badly harmed (not a risk I'd take)

 

Me neither.

 

.... but there's no reason not to have a safety plan in place in case she needs it, inform herself, and be ready no matter what she decides to do in the interim.

 

Absolutely.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by Samson

The expert generalist speaks: There is a forest, but I cannot see any trees.

 

Get off your high-horse Moimeme. The condescending attitude isn't attractive. Afterward you might try to read the post written by an individual, not a statistic.

 

THANK you.

[fredrolin]

I admit I say in my marriage for my kid...and my wife pretty much knows it.

 

I haven't come out and said it but my wife has brought it up during arguements and I didn't deny it.

 

If my child was never born I would not be with my wife today.

 

It is highly possible that once our child is an adult we will split up...or we will be to old to care and just live in 2 seperate corners of the house.

[bigcat22]

By staying there after he abused you they learned either it's ok and when I grow up I'll do it too or it's just normal. More importantly when the kids are grown and he does leave the kids will see they are the reason he stayed. They will feel guilty. Yor are teaching them it's ok to live a lie. Confront him, make a decision and stick to it.

[Cairo]

I am a single woman who is involved with a married man. I have ended the relationship several times trying to do the right thing. He's been married to his HS swetheart for 13 years. They are 37 and 35 respectively with 2 daughters 5 and 9.

 

He is miserable pondering whether or not to leave her. He tells me he's no longer in love with her, not attracted to her and that there's nothing for him or her to do to fix this. I am staying out of it and not seing him during this time.

 

The two talked and agreed that they are onl there for the children. There entire lives revolve around the girls and they are miserable together. They have agreed on all the important issues of why they shouldn't be together, but neither is willing to say the words SEPARATION or DIVORCE! I don't understand it.

 

She is miserable and willing to undergo plastic surgery. He says he won't let that happen. My point is: They are miserable. He's racked with guilt and is allowing her to try all kinds of things to FIX this marriage. He tells me repeatedly it makes no difference and everything she does irritates him and he rejects her which then starts more fights. I feel terribly for her and told him to STOP IT!! If he already knows there's nothing she can do, than to simply tell her that. It's not OK to let her make a fool out of herself. He can't seem to bring him self to tell her to stop and he's not willing to just say, "I'm done. I'm sorry."

 

My question to all of you having gone through this is: WHY!!!!! I just dont' understand. What's it gonna take. I think it's so unfair to her. Hell, ti's unfair to her, me and him. He's wasting all our time!

 

Any thoughts. HE says he knows his kids would adjust fine, he's called about apartments, looked at his money, etc. His brother is willing to help him etc. He is very proud of his conversations with her saying this is the most prgress he's ever made toward getting out and thinks it's going to take a while but that it will happen. He says it's a matter of time. I just dont' understand.

 

Thank you

[leilab]

Does that mean that the concept of being "in love" is vital to a marriage - since you state that without it one would be in a loveless marriage?

 

This seems to be quite a debate, at least within myself - "in love" being merely the romantic love, first stage of love that gives way to a more meaningful "love" as the partners get to know each other.

 

In my opinion this turn of event, however it is described, is the politically correct way to portray the way humans tend to become less interested in each other as they spend more time with one another, and get to know their partner very well.

 

I contend that there have to be marriages in which the partners ARE in fact still "in love" with each other. I have been thinking about all the people that I know that are married and am still searching for my role model couple.

[Samson]

Findings from the first scholarly study of unhappy marriages challenges conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Samson

Findings from the first scholarly study of unhappy marriages challenges conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

 

I'm not disregarding this study you've mentioned, but it just doesn't even make an "common sense" to me. It doesn't seem logical. If people are unhappy in their marriage, and they divorce, they have a darn good chance at finding the person they ARE compatible with.....and can have a HAPPY (or happier) life with. How could remaining in a miserable marriage, where nothing changes, where you're not fulfilled, where your needs aren't met (this varies: need for friendship or affection or sex or support, etc), etc.

 

I'd be very interested in reading this study, and how they came to this crazy conclusion.

 

And regarding the original poster's post...and your going off on Moi accusing her of having not read the original poster's post elsewhere (the one you quoted, the one that speaks of her husband's ABUSE)....sorry dude, but there was absolutely not one thing in her post to indicate that her husband is NO LONGER abusive. All she said was that he wigged out and was abusive to her about every 6 months. She didn't say he'd stopped. When's the next beating due? Is this month 3 or 4 or 5 or 6?

 

As a woman who was beaten by my (ex) husband, and from all the battered women I've spoken with over the years, the reading I've done on Domestic Abuse, the book I've read by Lenore Walker about the Cycle Theory of Violence.....after all of that, I can tell you.......men who would dare to beat up on a woman......whether emotionally/physically/mentally/sexually....they don't just "stop." And just because this lady's hubby beats on her only twice a year, that doesn't mean he's not an abuser. If you're going to dog on people about a certain subject, make sure it's a subject you actually know something ABOUT.

[brashgal]

I can only speak for myself. I endured verbal emotional abuse in my marriage and I believe I'm happier since I got out of it. I'm definitely less stressed as I was always walking on eggshells waiting for the next argument. I sometimes miss the companionship but I am not willing to trade that for the abuse.