In need of support - Head and Heart cant agree on this one

[realgirl]

I think I am being a total idiot, in fact I know that I am. I have the predicament of falling in love with an emotionally unavailable man. Now the fact that I am aware of this is doing nothing to rectify to problem as I feel I am growing addicted to the need for his affection even though said affection seems to be tapering.

 

 

So here's the situation: Me, 28 year old female, back home after living abroad for 4 years, single for 1 year after a messy break up which was the eventual cause of my homecoming. It has taken a year to put the pieces back together as I completely fell apart when it happened. I have worked hard to be where I am now, both mentally and physically. I have a great job, albeit I work hard. I have re-established connections with all my old friends and have quite an active social life. I have lost 20kgs through diet and exercise. I bought a new car. I have regained my independence as an individual and I had a moment just over a month ago where I actually took a step back in reflection and thought to myself “damn my life is great, I'm so glad that everything happened as it did, I love being single”.

 

 

Now is probably the time to mention that this year of being single is the first time I have been since I was in high school, I dated a boy for 6 years which ended badly as he ended up cheating a lot and hiding a drug addiction, eventually I left the country to break ties as I am addicted to being loved and couldn't completely end it without the distance. 3 months later I met a man 8 years my senior who I thought was the man I was going to marry. 3 years in he decided the girl in his HR dept 12 years his junior would be someone worth bringing home and sleeping with in my bed while I was away visiting family. This is the man who broke my heart, my esteem, my self and also caused the longest walk of shame in history as I left the UK and flew back to South Africa 3 days after finding out (that's a 12 hour flight by the way).

 

 

So lets skip ahead... beginning of December I was in the best state I've ever experienced; loving life, the single life, loving myself for the first time and finally understanding who I am. Spending so much time trying to be perfect for everybody else tends to dilute the real you. I wont lie to you, I still get sad, I still get insecure, I still feel lonely on the odd occasion but I've now learned how to change my behavior to pull myself out of the slumps and stay motivated. I still read self help books, they are based on cognitive psychology which teaches you to adapt your way of thinking into healthier, balanced perspectives.

 

 

Long story short, I was finally doing great! Then enter “New Boy” …

 

 

New Boy contacted me via email out of the blue, he works for a different branch within my company so we'd spoken once over the phone a few weeks prior. He asked if we'd met, I lied and told him no, that I had no idea who he was but in truth I'd noticed him on my first day of training because he is beautiful.

 

 

We started chatting via email, then IM and eventually planned to meet. We had a great few dates and I was instantly smitten. Then came his story... he was 3 months single from the woman he thought he was going to marry. It ended very badly and she moved on very quickly. Obviously I related to this and felt a need to provide support. He has a 5 year old daughter I am yet to meet but this fact provided me with the security of knowing he is serious about doing well in life and I now know him as a person, he is a devoted father and he works very hard to provide her with everything he can. I can already hear my inner voice telling me that I am looking at New Boy's potential for the future as a mate instead of looking at the now. New Boy is currently emotionally unavailable, he is working hard to fix himself, he's still upset and angry at his ex and yes I have become his emotion crutch but we get on so well, we are so compatible and its purely come down to a matter of bad timing. I know he likes me, I know because he's told me, numerous times I've tried to break the ties and every time he pleads for me to stick around and to be patient with him. I am a woman who loves too much, I am addicted to being loved and I'm addicted to winning his heart in the long run as this guy truly is one of the good ones.

 

 

The sex was amazing in the beginning but the last 2 times I've stayed over we've literally just slept. I'm worried I'm ending up in the friend zone but I cannot walk away... I don't want to be friends, my feelings for him are growing stronger and I'm already emotionally attached. I fear I am going to wait for this boy until the day he introduces me to his new girlfriend, when he is whole and new again. I don't want to waste my time on him as I don't need/want a new friend but its very rare for me to find someone worth keeping around these days. I'm starting to get depressed and this is why I'm posting this. Life was perfect and now I feel like I'm sliding backwards down that hill its taken a year to climb. I'm already giving him 90% of me when I know it is wrong but I cannot stop myself, I cannot cut the ties, I cannot let him go, I am not trying to change him, I just find myself hoping he'd hurry the hell up and feel better.

 

 

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from this post, I guess its more so that I can read it back to myself and see how I'm making so many classic mistakes. I just hate that I know exactly whats happening here and yet I cannot/will not change the situation.

 

 

I get angry and frustrated with him so often, all I think about is being hold up in his arms but even when we're in bed together I don't get that, he curls up and turns his back to me. I've never had that, not even on a one night stand! I feel like I need to slap myself in the face and catch a wake up but the challenge is too addictive, the challenge to win his heart...

[Ella whispers]

Get back to where you were right away.

Let him wonder where you are, that never hurts, obviously remain available.

Make small changes in your routine and be happy with yourself.

If he comes around good, if he doesn't, you were fine before and you will be fine after.

[Cee]

I'm a recovering love addict so I get where you are coming from. I tried to cut myself off cold turkey from men, but back slid and ended up in another relationship with an unavailable man. What worked for me is I went into 12 step recovery for love addiction and went into therapy. It wasn't easy, but worked. My life is so great now I can hardly believe it. And I've been single for several years. By choice.

 

You built a great life in 1 year & now you are too deep in your addiction to do what will make you happy- dumping this dead weight of a man. I suggest you get outside support. With addictions to anything like food, drugs, men, gambling, you can't do it by will power alone. It takes some help.

 

FYI, most love and sex addicts have histories of abuse and abandonment in childhood. That is a serious matter and can't be overcome instantaneously. Be gentle and patient with yourself. You have come a long way already. Good luck.

[Graceful]

Despite all of the time you have spent analyzing your behavior and improving yourself and your life, you can see you are going full circle by being with this man. In saying you can't help yourself, even though it is self-destructive, it does sound like you have veered into addictive behavior.

 

You need a support system and you need to consider yourself "in recovery" mode, for the foreseeable future.

 

You're right, timing is everything, and that trumps anything else about the relationship you want. Bad timing, even if you were emotionally healthy, should be enough for you to walk away; not being emotionally healthy, you are ignoring all of the red flags, as if deliberately.

 

There's a lovely post here already from someone who has been in your shoes, and there are many more people who are also in your shoes. You're not alone. Are there any online support groups for love addiction or anything related that you could join for more specific support?

 

Best wishes. You sound so self-aware, but apparently still not able to do what's best for your own emotional needs. Get the support you need, it will make you feel so much stronger, and will get you back to the person you really liked, the person you worked so hard to become. My very best to you. Take care of yourself, you come first.