Why did my friend initiate sex when he already knew how much I like him?

[Daffy]

Background: have liked a guy friend for quite some time now. He's had a thing for me for quite some time now. One thing lead to another recently and we slept together. We acted like nothing happened for a while but then last week...

 

... I bit the bullet and told him how much I like him.

 

Talk about a let-down. He told me that because he has a lot of issues and he's so up and down (which he has been recently) he can't pursue anything because he couldn't put someone through that. I know he has issues. For starters, his job is on the line (they're cutting staff numbers). Secondly, he takes drugs too often (smoking pot frequently and dumping pills). He hasn't always had these problems and I didn't realise until recently that he was hitting the drugs so much. Not good.

 

Anyway, more to the point - why the fire truck did he sleep with me if he had no intention of pursuing anything? He already knew before we slept together that I really like him. Apparently this guy thinks the world of me, yet he initiated us sleeping together. I feel really used and disrespected. I think that is a really s***ty thing to do to a person when you know they like you. He's not a player but that's not the point. This has really hurt my feelings. This is the first guy I've been with in a long time because I've been through the wringer in the past and I felt like I could break down my walls for this guy. He knows I've had it tough in the past and that I don't sleep around.

 

I feel really, really hurt. I didn't mention how he hurt me at all. I just thanked him for his honesty, had a chat about his problems and walked away. It's just not fair to treat a person who you supposedly like so much like that. I have little confidence when it comes to men and I just feel that this has set me back again. It's worse because he's a friend.

 

Thanks for listening. I really need to vent.

[SoleMate]

Your post left me a little confused. Not about your pain...that you feel pain and betrayal is quite clear. More about how your unspoken expectations, and the fella's failure to understand and adhere to them, have been the cause of the problem. It seems that by sleeping with him, you expected something in your relationship to change in a certain way...that he would become your acknowledged bf, perhaps? And yet you did not mention this to him.

 

You expected him to wordlessly understand how your history, and your character, and your yearning and your feelings, plus the actions the two of you took, would all come together to a specific outcome that you wanted, of the two of you pursuing a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that desire, but you should have told him ahead of time what sex would mean to you. Then, if he is a real friend, he would have told you right then and there whether he could pursue something with you.

 

why the fire truck did he sleep with me if he had no intention of pursuing anything?

He could as easily have asked why you built these expectations without discussing them with him.

 

Apparently this guy thinks the world of me, yet he initiated us sleeping together. I feel really used and disrespected. I think that is a really s***ty thing to do to a person when you know they like you. He's not a player but that's not the point. This has really hurt my feelings.

Sex may mean something different to him, compared to what it means to you. Still scratching my head about how when two people who think highly of each other have sex, one of them is doing a "s***ty thing" and "using" the other. If he's not a player, chances are he wasn't playing you.

 

Suggestion: Stop feeling used, and rebuild a more helpful and accurate interpretation of events. You had an enjoyable, consensual sexual encounter with someone you care about. There was a misunderstanding about what would happen afterward.

 

Suggestion #2: To avoid similar problems in the future, have all the discussions up front, long before you hop into bed. There may still be letdowns, but at least they won't be at square one like this.

[capitald]

First, I find it amusing how girls use sex these days to try and get things, whether its money, security, etc. That is not free or unconditional love and therefore it is really bs. Your using your privates as a commodity or a means of exchange, no wonder you got hurt. In addition, this boy gave you warnings, i.e. drugs, instability and you choose to ignore them. The truth is that maybe you needed the sex as much as he did but you found out the hard way that there are no guarantees in life, except death and taxes . It sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem, a boy should like you for you firstly and not just the sex you can offer him. And waiting for someone to break down your walls for you or making someone else besides you responsible for doing this work won't work, (especially not a fellow with major issues!). You should work on healing those wounds for yourself and through your own efforts.

[Arabess]

Why did my friend initiate sex when he already knew how much I like him?

 

Because he is a GUY and probably thought you wanted to have casual friend sex as much as he did.

 

It's better to talk about these things BEFORE.

 

Since you didn't though, you've told him how you feel, he knows you wouldn't have been intimate with him unless you had feelings for him and this puts you in a different light than a bar pick-up. Give it some time.

 

I don't think I would be mad at him or blame him. You changed the rules afterwards.....and have to wait to see if he accepts your feelings.

[sami]

Why feel used or confused? I don't see it that way at all. Did you both talk about a long term commitment or anything like that ?. He might had genuinly thought all you wanted at that moment is what you had got. If you both were not quite sure of what you want simply don't go for it. Just leave him alone and go on with your life. There is no real cause for the confusion or any negative feeling.

[capitald]

Arabess, not all guys want casual sex, I don't, I will only have sex with someone I care about and there are other people like me out there.

[conan]

well there could be a lot of reasons for him doing this i'm sure he didn't think it would cause you all this pain. I'm sure he knew it was a bad idea to sleep with you cause your his friend but maybe he thought you looked really beutifull right then and couldn't resist kissing you, then he just reacted to his instincts. He could of just really needed that closeness from you at that time, maybe he was just vulnerable to his emotions at that time instead of thinking of the consequences.

[sami]

He may be having the same negative feelings as well. The difference is : he is keeping them inside rather than making a big deal out of them.

[Tkay]

argh, sometimes i get sick of my own species, men. I often talk to my best (female) friend about how some men are, which she has experienced too. Why can't everyone be like me nice guys finish last!

 

Anyway, I would talk to him about it, and tell him that you're hurt.