He's back, and he's grovelling

[Cratsky]

He broke it off after 6 yrs together. It's been over 3 months and I'm out and about, enjoying my life and truly appreciating the lessons I learned by being with him. I don't regret one moment of our time together as it's made me a better person. I think a part of me was already emotionally walking away for the last year before he made the final decision to end it so getting over him wasn't as hard as it could have been. Life's pretty good right now to be honest I'm looking amazing as a result of focusing on my health and wellbeing, men make efforts to approach me while I'm out so I'm basking in that. I've grown my circle of friends etc. Anyways..

 

Last night, he sends me a huge email apologising for his mistakes and (as the subject states) he is grovelling and begging for forgiveness of the fact he didn't realise how amazing I was and how what we had was so precious (duh?). I reply with a short 'good to know you've finally realised. I hope you're doing well and all the best.' Then he calls me (he obviously still has my number on speed dial) and we have a very civilised conversation about his feelings/regrets and I explain how I've very much moved on with my life. I've thrown everything away while he has kept all our photos, letters.. I was surprised. He acknowledges that the majority of the problems that arose between us were due to his issues.

 

As a background: we were fundamentally compatible. Similar views on friends, children, religion, hobbies, lifestyle... things were amazing for our first 2 yrs together (and we were extremely close friends for a year before becoming involved) before his inability to deal with his 'issues' arose. He was extremely physically abused as a child, has a strained relationship wtih his mother, his father abandoned the family... he pushed away these unresolved feelings by being verbally abusive, controlling and insecure around me. It seemed like the closer we became, the more 'crazy' his behaviour was. I've learnt my lesson about not trying to 'help and support' someone who needs to fix themselves.

 

So here's the dilemma: He has invited me out for dinner in the next week. During our conversation he made clear that he wants only me and understands that any chance he has may be less than 5%. He is committed to holding onto me (even as a friend) to prove that he has changed and has hopes of rekindling something between us later. I put forward the hypothetical that I probably wouldn't want to start any sort of contact for another few months. Ideally, May/June. And he was happy to wait for me...

 

This is what every 'dumped' person wants right? For the ex to have a realisation and come crawling back? I just have my doubts.

 

What are your thoughts, feelings about this? I haven't committed to dinner with him as I stated that I'd think about it and let him know. He seems very cautious of making mistakes around me so is very 'okay, whatever suits you suits me'. Hmm.

[stupidgurl]

Let him sweat a while longer while you decide what you TRULY want.

[Country_Girl]

I say maybe go to dinner and see what he has to say, but make it clear that this dinner does not constitute getting back together. Say you are open to communicate and are interested in what he wants to say, but you cannot commit to anything beyond dinner.

 

Then just gauge his reaction when you see him in person. Is he honest, is he sincere, does he mean it?

 

Ultimately, you know him better than anyone, maybe even better than he knows himself. Words mean nothing unless put into action, so maybe see what he has to say and if he can validate his words.

[Duckduckgoose]

Let him sweat a while longer while you decide what you TRULY want.

 

I really wish LS has a "like" button.

 

As for the ex, he might have changed but change takes a long time, especially with the issues he has. Hell, I am "changing" right now, getting counselling and whatnot for the things I did which caused the end of my marriage. I doubt I will be a completely different person in a few months. I will probably have anger issues the rest of my life, but I will be better equipped to handle my anger from the counselling I am getting.

 

If you really are curious about him, then go to dinner. It would really take more than one dinner to see anything concrete with him though... he would have to be in a high pressure situation that would bring out the worst in him to know if he's changed or not. I can say that I am controlling my anger better now than before, but when I get put on the spot and get angry is when I have to exert that control.

 

At the dinner he is going to be on his best behaviour... you already know what his best behaviour is... something needs to happen to trip him off, then you can see if he's changed or not. It doesn't mean push his buttons...

 

Ask him if he's gotten any help for his problems, like therapy or maybe some meds. Its gonna be hard to fix issues without outside help.

[heartshaped]

Personally, I feel that what you should do depends on how you feel. If you love him, feel that the two of you could work things out, and have a future together then I would definitely do everything in my power [if I were you] to make things work.

 

He might have broken up with you, but it sounds like the relationship was going downhill for a while and that's what has to be worked on now if the two of you decide to pursue a relationship again.

 

He obviously needs counseling for the things he went through as a child because they are effecting his adult life. I'm not sure I believe it is fully in his control to change on his own and if it is, I don't understand why he let these habits to begin to start with. If I were you, I would also take some time to see if he is really trying to get the help he needs/work on these issues before starting a relationship again.

[dreamingoftigers]

Set a long boundary, tell him what you need to see from him to even consider it.

 

In my case I need to see 3 months of consistent recovery from my husband.

 

In your case maybe you need to see consistent effort over a certain timeline in order to give it a chance. He might be upset by this at first. Don't be surprised or pissed by that, but then he might pull through. IN the meantime keep moving forward. If you want any sort of chance here (which after 6 years wouldn't surprise me) try not to resent someone that is changing and acknowledging that he needs to change.

[Rose T]

I've been getting some "grovelling" emails / calls from my ex, but two excellent points have been made on this thread: 1.) has he really had enough time to change? 2.) are you seeing just words, or actions too?

if you can be as cool as your email reply was at dinner, it could give you some important information. I replied to my ex and found him to be still as confused as ever. I think the advice to let him sweat a little is good. If you are going to get back together, it will take time. Also, we've all had months of agony, why not let them feel the pain a little, too? It can really help focus the mind...

[tobydog1]

Do you want him back, really and truly? We all want them to realise what they have done and to be sorry; I want that too.

I would be inclined to let him wait a bit, try to find out how and what he is doing to control/deal with his issues.

My stbx has unresolved issues too and it really screws them up.

All the best for whatever you decide! x

And let us know how it all goes

[Karma20]

I'm jealous! If you don't want to give him another chance then I would hold off on dinner. If you are truly happy with your life without him then there is no need to stir up any mix emotions that could cause you to jump back into something with him. If you think you aren't over him, which honestly doesn't seem like you are because you wanted to go longer without contact then maybe you should hear him out.

[LifeIsGreat]

Trust me on this.... if he truly has the issues you spoke about, what makes you think anything would be different this time around??

 

You have moved on with your life, so I don't think it's worth the gamble of trying this again. Some people are just damaged goods.

[Trovador]

Make him pay dearly for the other 95%...

 

Seriously, you should consider being friends for a while, in case you are willing to reinitiate contact... if I were him, that's what I would humbly wish and hope for...

[Cratsky]

Thanks for your responses. I'm continuing to ponder how I feel about the issues between him and I and whether they truly are things that can be worked on, or are they core personality conflicts that can't be resolved.

 

You are right in stating that I must do what is right for me. So what is it I truly want? I'm still figuring that out. We broke up for a reason, and I don't believe in re-evaluating a relationship without evidence of change. The same two people if brought back together will produce the same results.

 

I know I've changed. In the past, I would have clung on blindly to him. The test right now will be whether he has (as you've said) changed or sought help for his issues.

 

I'm writing a draft email (a lengthy one) explaining my position and the types of change I need to see before he is considered worthy (even as just a friend). I have no expectation of him pulling through as I'm continuing to focus on improving myself. I've moved forward perfectly happy without him, so have no urgency to reconnect with him on any level. This sounds odd, but I'm testing what he's made of right now. I feel he's made of jello but who knows, he might come through with the goods. Either way, I'm happy right now the way things are.

 

Will keep you updated and I appreciate all your responses.

[gator12]

The best advice I can give you is too take your time on this.

 

Two reasons, one being to make sure it is what you want so you don't rush into something that you're gonna regret later. And two, so you can see if he's really changed and is willing to work towards a second try with you. He's begging and that's step one but you dont need to make it too easy for him. If he really wants you back, hell or high water couldn't stop him.

[Duckduckgoose]

Gosh I wish there was a way to subscribe to threads. I really am interested to see how this plays out.

 

I stopped watching TV a long time ago because real life is way better and less mind numbing.

 

*grabs popcorn and movie chair*

[Jonno_S]

Gosh I wish there was a way to subscribe to threads.

 

You got your wish: When you reply to a post there's a Thread Subscription option AND you can vote on stars for the thread!

Edited January 22, 2011 by Jonno_S
elucidation

[Jonno_S]

I'm jealous! If you don't want to give him another chance then I would hold off on dinner. If you are truly happy with your life without him then there is no need to stir up any mix emotions that could cause you to jump back into something with him. If you think you aren't over him, which honestly doesn't seem like you are because you wanted to go longer without contact then maybe you should hear him out.

 

I agree with this. But also, given that it's a 5% chance it's almost like you're toying with him. But if you're curious and interested, then go for it. People can change. Takes a lot and you might bring back some patterns of his behavior.

 

Good luck. You must keep up posted.

[Duckduckgoose]

Okay... I am replying so I can subscribe to this thread.

[loveforever]

No need to reply to the thread to subscribe....

 

At the top of the tread there is an option "Thread Tools" click on it and "Voila".....

[Cratsky]

Well, a lot can happen in a few days. I wrote the email and something stopped me from sending it. I took a long hard look at what the reason was and it's my fundamental gut feeling, which is yelling out 'what is the point? It's all been said before.' I re-read the email, and all my expectations and disappointments were laid bare right there in front of me.

 

Instead of dinner, which carries 'risk' (if you get my drift) I decided it would be smarter to catch up for a short coffee during the day. We caught up this past weekend and it was a nice, civilised discussion about how well we've been progressing. Well, primarily how I've been progressing. He seems to be depressed and has taken some steps backwards. And I say that because he is suffering the typical symptoms: insomnia, anxiety, guilt, self hate, worthlessness, not socialising, not eating well. I encouraged him to seek professional help, which his friends have also insisted but he refuses.

 

I realised that he was always like this. Maybe not to this extent, but now that he's alone and has to face his issues head on it's exacerbated. I realised part of why I stayed for so long. I wanted to show him that you don't ever have to suffer, life shouldn't be this hard. I realised that getting back with him meant being in a toxic relationship as he would suck the positive energy out of me.

 

I agree with you steven20. I should tell him it's over. Seeing him brought no feelings of attachment forth. The past is the past, and it's well and truly over. It's very obvious he has realised his short-comings and is slowly working through the issues. He fervently is committing to contacting me when he feels 'worthy' again. When he is healthy, he will contact me. This was the main reason for making contact. To make this commitment.

 

I could not bear to crush him, particularly in his sensitive state of mind. I briefly brought up how I was currently open to getting to know other men (not on an intimate level but intellectually) and there was an absolute look of devestation on his face.

 

Am I bad for not wanting to hurt his feelings? Am I bad for giving him hope of friendship in the future, and made no promises about giving us another go?

 

People can and do change. I believe in forgiveness and freedom from judgement.

 

Any thoughts or feelings on this are appreciated. We both care for each other deeply, and there is still love there. Perhaps not the type of love he is searching for though. I love him as a person but not in love with him. Maybe one day, in 6+ months time (if he ever contacts me) we may meet and the spark may be re-ignited but right now, I know I have no feelings for him.

 

I know my posts are long so I appreciate you all reading

[Trovador]

You shouldn't offer him any hope if you don't mean it... and you should have refused to be his main reason to get healthy, that's not help but dependency... a man has the right to know the truth so you should have told him that you wished him all the well in the world but that you were out of his life and viceversa...

 

As it turned out, you just pitied him and that's the worst pain a guy can feel...

 

This is just my opinion, which reflects the way I'd like to be treated, without white lies or stringing along...

 

Overall, don't fall in a guilt trip, you did the right thing to do, and now just let's hope for your ex's full recovery...

[Duckduckgoose]

Its wrong to string anyone along... even if you feel like they really deserve it.

[Duckduckgoose]

Man this thread got hijacked.

 

Using someone who is using you? That sounds pretty self-destructive all around.

 

But I guess if you're going down you might as well take someone with you.

[Cratsky]

I can totally see both sides here.

 

I'm still not sure what will happen in the future. All I know, is that for the next 6-12 months I'm not ready to be in a relationship with anyone (including the ex). And who's to say if we do eventually meet up as friends in the future some sort of spark is rekindled?

 

People can date, separate for years and come back together and be stronger as a couple as a result of their time apart and growing as individuals. I also know couples who've come back together without totally resolving issues from their past and destroying one another again.

 

I do however take your comments. I'm not intentionally 'stringing' him along with the intention of giving him a taste of his own medicine. I've got better things to do than focus negative energy on anyone. I do honestly hope he finds happiness, regardless of whether we find that spark again later on down the line or if he meets someone new.

[lululucy]

I could not bear to crush him, particularly in his sensitive state of mind. I briefly brought up how I was currently open to getting to know other men (not on an intimate level but intellectually) and there was an absolute look of devestation on his face.

 

Am I bad for not wanting to hurt his feelings? Am I bad for giving him hope of friendship in the future, and made no promises about giving us another go?

 

You love the guy -- it would be a little worrying to love someone and be able/willing to hurt his feelings when you are in a totally stable place. Just as you would probably dance around the truth for a friend, you did it for him and I don't think that's so terrible. Especially as he wants friendship once he has gotten some stability in his own life, and honestly if he manages to do that it would seem likely to me that he would realise the self-destructive motivation behind wanting to be good friends with someone you're still totally in love with.

 

It was nice of you to meet up with him but don't feel obligated to do so again for a long while.

[z00m25]

sounds like he still has problems, its a shame to that this is going to crush him and drive him crazy, but when it comes down to it you have to worry about yourself over everything else.