severe embarrassment and anxiety

[griffinchicken53]

i'm 30 years old, because of medical issue had to move back in with parents. Haven't been on a date in 12 years. I had a one night stand about 10 years ago, first and only time I've had sex, but noone knows about it.

 

I'm painfully shy and embarrass easily. I can't help but feel that some of this is because of a lack of an intimate connection (don't mean sexual) with someone. I've known others who were more shy than me, but seems once they had a best friend, girlfriend, etc. they opened up, weren't afraid anymore.

 

I can hide behind a computer and talk to anyone about almost everything. But i couldn't have the same conversation in person. I'm almost freaking out, afraid the topic might come up.

there are a few friends who i've known a long time and i can talk to them about some things, but i get anxiety if they are around other people.

 

Example: I was at a bar with a friend, and we were talking about how some girl was hot. If that friend was around at the same time, as say my dad, i'm on pins and needles thinking "please don't bring up the chick from the bar"

 

I don't want people to think of me as someone who thinks of sex. Since i'm not in a relationship that only means that I j3rk 0ff, and that embarrasses me. I don't want people to think of me like that.

I stress myself out trying to keep the people that know me away from the ones that don't.

 

Last weekend I was supposed to help a friend move a couch, my dad offered to go with me and use his truck. I stressed myself out trying to find a time that it could be done when he couldn't go (a day he had to work) because i'd be embarrassed if my friend started talking about something while he is there.

I don't want my Dad to think I didn't want him around. I just feel uneasy.

 

I'm sure i need professional psychological help, but any advice anyone on LS could give me would help. Please!!! Thank You.

[tb24]

it sounds to me like your issues of shyness are actually due to constantly seeking approval from your dad, even when he's not around.

 

Is it just your dad? he's the only one you mention.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I can actually relate to this, because I also feel the embarrassment over sex, and I'm 28 and never had sex or been in a relationship. I also have social anxiety, and can relate to being better at talking over the internet, than in real life.

 

However, it sounds like that's where the similarities end. It sounds like your embarrassment over being sexual around your dad is where your problem lies. Why would you think that your dad wouldn't want you to be sexually active? Most dads (at least, most sane dads) want their son to chase skirts and have sex, get into a relationship, get married, and have babies. Not as much as your mother probably wants a grandson or granddaughter, but dads like being grandpas as well.

 

And plus, your dad has been there. He chased your mom, didn't he? He can relate to the anxiety you're feeling, and probably wants you to get over it just as much as you want to.

 

In essence, this is a cognitive distortion. Another one that you probably feel is that women don't want sex. They do, just with guys they're attracted to on some level. And that can include personality as well, because an attractive personality can shine out and envelop you, and make you more good looking.

 

I just think you're beating yourself up too much. You're not a virgin...congratulations, you're more advanced than me. And girls don't create value for a man. The value of a man is based upon his intellect, his emotional and logical capability, and his problem solving abilities and his social status and his ability to make money.

[I am healed]

you need to work on yourself, you need to work on redefining your boundaries with women and social situations. I think your problem is that you have recieved a lot of incorrect information about the true nature of women, and that your unjustified and unessecary embarassment is keeping you in a shell.

 

the best way to do this is to start creating replacement thoughts, and beliefs, starting with your own self image. You have to realize that shame, any form of it weakens us. So start on finding ways to release this shame you carry. Please continue posting on your progress because I feel like LS can help you alot. I kind of know what you're going through I went through a brief period like this when I was a teenager.

[Floridaman]

i'm 30 years old, because of medical issue had to move back in with parents. been on a date in 12 years. I had a one night stand about 10 years ago, first and only time I've had sex, but noone knows about it.

The good news, Griffin, is that you recognize the problem and are trying to date women.

I'm painfully shy and embarrass easily. I can't help but feel that some of this is because of a lack of an intimate connection (don't mean sexual) with someone. I've known others who were more shy than me, but seems once they had a best friend, girlfriend, etc. they opened up, weren't afraid anymore.

Doesn't this tell you something?

Start conversing more with your friends, then make new friends by meeting some of their other friends and friends of friends. Pretty soon, you'll find you have many friends and may make you less inhibited in conversation.

I can hide behind a computer and talk to anyone about almost everything. But i couldn't have the same conversation in person. I'm almost freaking out, afraid the topic might come up.

there are a few friends who i've known a long time and i can talk to them about some things, but i get anxiety if they are around other people.

I agree you're conversational here on the forums.

Use the forums and Internet as practice for real life conversation, where it really counts.

As you're great at conversation online, are you using Internet dating sites?

Perhaps your communication skills could land you a date.

 

In real life conversation, try to open up and don't get too worried about things.

So you say something wrong or mispronounce a word. Just laugh it off. The other people in the conversation might playfully laugh it off too as you didn't intentionally mean to mix something up like anthrax (the chemical sprayed to kill people) and Amtrak.

Example: I was at a bar with a friend, and we were talking about how some girl was hot. If that friend was around at the same time, as say my dad, i'm on pins and needles thinking "please don't bring up the chick from the bar"

You seem embarassed about what your dad would think.

Why would you be so worried about that? You're a 30 y.o. man, not a teenager.

He'd probably playfully laugh if he heard the story you said you feared your friend might tell him. Nothing to worry about there. You're his son. You mean a lot to him and he'd want to know that you're enjoying life.

I'm sure he and his buddies talked about hot chicks when he was younger.

If you're that worried, perhaps you can tell your friend not to say anything that might embarrass you in front of your dad.

I don't want people to think of me as someone who thinks of sex. Since i'm not in a relationship that only means that I j3rk 0ff, and that embarrasses me. I don't want people to think of me like that.

I stress myself out trying to keep the people that know me away from the ones that don't.

This is something I've honestly never thought about.

 

If I learn a lady I meet is single, I don't immediately wonder if she's a virgin, if she pleasures herself or if she's given herself sexually to her boyfriend. Why would I care about that?

Same for a single guy I may meet. I can say I have never wondered if other guys masturbate.

 

Everyone MBs. No need to get all worried about this as most people you meet, once they learn you're single, aren't gonna worry about what you do in your private moments.

 

Just like if you meet a couple, or your cousin and his wife.

Because they're married, in your mind, do you immediately think of them having sex? Such thoughts wouldn't be normal.

 

I think you are getting a little too stressed out about things that may not really be that important.

Edited January 24, 2011 by Floridaman

[griffinchicken53]

sorry, been away for a few days.

it's not just my dad. it's both parents, and some of the people i know the closest.

 

if you've seen the movie "the 40 year old virgin" you might understand it as an example. When they all find out he's a virgin they feel compelled to help.

I try to fly under the radar, so to speak. it's simpler if people see me as a non-sexual being. if people see me "talking to women, looking at women, etc." they think i want a woman and they want to help. and since most people don't 100% know the real me, they don't know the type i would like to be fixed up with.

 

this all seems to come from me constantly worry what other people are going to think. I started another thread, can't remember the exact title "going on a date could you leave the boobs at home? Basically i know this girl, likes to wear low-cut tops, i was kind of interested in her, but doubt anything could work. but it put the thought in my head "what are people going to think seeing me talking to this "busty beauty". She's really sweet and nice, first impression in that case would be the wrong one. are they going to point out flaws, reasons not to talk to her? are they going to think she's slutty and instead try to fix me up with someone who is allergic to parties?

 

i'm quiet, i don't dance, i'm not exactly an outdoor activity kind of guy, but i want to be active, learn to dance, not just stay at home and watch movies. If i get fixed up with someone who is quiet, shy and indoorsy, it's going to make me feel restrained, held back, etc.

 

i'm creating more anxiety than probably exists in all the universe.

it's easier to talk to people online, if they don't get an immediate response from me, they probably assume i'm away from the computer, when i'm really trying to think of something to say.

 

Plus, online i can have LS on a page, social chat page in another window and can reference back to topics as needed. I don't have this option in the real world.

 

if anyone thinks hitting me in the head with a baseball bat might fix my problem, i'll give you my address.

[Nightsky]

If this was a sitcom the baseball bat thing probably would work.

 

It’s great that you are more comfortable online then real life, but to fix your real life problem you need help in real life. That’s my opinion. Seek out some one in real life who can help you whether it is a counselor, therapist, or what ever. Good luck. Don’t wait just do it, come back and update us.

[Lostatnight]

Sounds to me like you just haven't met the right woman... yet! hopefully you will, so don't go hitting yourself (or anyone else over the head with a baseball bat!

 

Best of luck!

 

[Floridaman]

i'm creating more anxiety than probably exists in all the universe.

it's easier to talk to people online, if they don't get an immediate response from me, they probably assume i'm away from the computer, when i'm really trying to think of something to say.

 

Plus, online i can have LS on a page, social chat page in another window and can reference back to topics as needed. I don't have this option in the real world..

Online conversations sure have their advantages, Griff. But they can't beat real-life talking.

 

Talk all you want online, and use it to get introductions through dating sites. Once you get to know a woman better, and if she feels like she could be someone you can relate to, suggest a personal meeting.

 

Ask to go out on a simple date, for something non-formal like going for coffee or lunch.

There, you'll get to personally see what the other person is like and pick up on any chemistry. Your conversation should also be much better too.

 

If it looks promising, suggest dinner the next weekend or an activity like bowling or going to a museum.

 

Like the others said, the key is to get out and date.

 

It's like trying to ride a bike.

So you fall off and scrape your knees? Doesn't feel good I know but did you quit and say you'd never ride a bike again?

 

You got back on it and soon you were more comfortable and felt you could ride that bike to the end of the world...

 

Do the same with dating. Keep asking girls out. You have nothing to lose.