email my friend of 12 years sent me after my breakup

[fiat500]

I've been long distance friends with this girl since I was 12. I was going through a hard breakup during the holidays. She sent me the following self righteous email and made me feel like crap:

 

 

fiat500,

I want you to know before I say anything else that we’ve been friends for a very long time and a lot of times I bite my tongue to prevent arguments, strife, discord or whatever you call it between the two of us – But I wrote this letter to you because there’s a lot that I’ve been wanting to tell you but I just didn’t know how to go about it – I don’t feel the absolute best about everything I typed beyond this paragraph, but you need to know that this trial you’re going through with ***** is effecting not just you, but other people (meaning me) and I had to get it out of my system:

 

 

 

Over the past 3-4 weeks or so you’ve been suffering with a broken heart and that makes me quite livid especially knowing how far out of your way you went for him, and that jerk couldn’t do the same.

 

 

 

I feel like because you call me you want to get this situation off of your chest and in return I know you expect to hear my version of what you need to do, but I can’t help but feel that you d failed to heed to my advice and you’re suffering from it – I’m sorry that he treated you the way that he did, but picking yourself up and finding alternative avenues and venues is the way that you get over a break up I know this all too well – another guy –will- come along, what time? I don’t know but he will

 

 

 

Every time I’ve spoken to you whenever you call I’ll ask “well how are you feeling” and you continuous say how “depressed” you are - Again I’m sorry that you feel this way And I know without a shadow of a doubt in my mind that I have put forth many different efforts, long hours on the net (check our logs they speak for themselves) to try and lift your spirits and it’s seems that it’s falling on deaf ears either that or every time I try to speak to you, or attempt to bring your mood up or talk you out of it you go right back to saying it over and over again – it came to the point where I became depressed on Christmas eve and I had to consult with some friends to pray me through that cycle because it was intense for me alone to deal with - I feel like you’re ignoring me, or what I’m saying isn’t good enough for you or quite honestly what you don’t want to hear.

 

 

 

As a friend what I’m asking from you is that you either try to change and move along (which I understand varies depending on time) Or for future references please do not tell me of your problems because when I give you advice it doesn’t seem to go anywhere – know that it may sound like I’m being harsh, but I’m not – I’m drawing some boundary lines and I’m very serious about them as I am this email.

 

 

 

We’re still friends and honestly I still care about you but for my own sake and my husband’s I can not continuously deal with a situation that isn’t going anywhere.

 

 

 

I’m not sure if you’re angry with me or not but you know my number should you feel like calling, granted the call is reasonable and does not contain any swearing, yelling or cursing.

 

 

 

-Wishing you the very best in your journey to overcome this trial

 

-me

First of all, I wouldn't ever swear or curse at her since she's a born again christian. I've censored myself when talking to her for the past 8 years. I sent her a follow up email and she never replied. I called her and she nastily responded that she was going out with her husband and that she would get back to me. She never did.

 

I never bother to give out details about my situation. When she asked I always gave her a general feeling of the moment. When I talked to her online, it was about stuff other than my relationship. She makes it sound like all she did was listen to me about my breakup which is utter bullsh*t.

 

What is she mad at exactly? I got dumped during the holidays and was sad over it and she had to have people PRAY for her?

 

AM I wrong or is this woman really selfish?

 

I feel 10 times worse because of this email.

[Mme. Chaucer]

If you are "wallowing," and there is a good chance you are, there is only so much energy a good friend can put into helping you "stay stuck," if that's what they perceive you are doing.

 

Believe me, I have been on both sides of this story.

 

I have a dear friend of over 20 years now. Back in our younger days, she had a boyfriend who treated her like dirt and ultimately dumped her. Through their relationship, I consistently provided an ear to listen to all the horrible things he did and said to her. She was getting deeper and deeper into depression while continuing to remain in the relationship and to share every detail of his mistreatment.

 

Ultimately, I put a moratorium on discussing "he who shall remain nameless." (After all this time, when we reminisce, we still call him that! And laugh!)

 

I still hung out with her and we talked, but that subject was closed.

 

It was dragging me down, but the real reason was that I felt that I was enabling her to stay in a destructive situation by constantly talking about what a dikwad he was. That was somehow fulfilling her needs, and she was not doing any action about it.

 

Some other friends disagreed with me and said that a true friend it ALWAYS there to listen and talk about whatever. They still don't agree with my "tough love" style about such things.

 

I'm like that here on LS, too. I totally understand that a person CANNOT simply "forget it," "move on," etc. I know all too well the depth of hurt that emotional damage causes, and I have experienced it myself bigtime. Still, I think that there is a boundary between when "being there" for a friend's bad situation is supportive and helpful, and when it becomes harmfully enabling.

 

I think your friend feels that boundary has been crossed.

[fiat500]

last year, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimers. i called this friend to talk about it and all she really said was "I don't know what to say."

 

then later she gives me the same self righteous speech and claimed I didn't want to listen to her "counseling."

 

I DID NOT TALK ABOUT MY BREAK UP AS MUCH SHE IS CLAIMING IN HER EMAIL.

 

She asked me how i was doing and i gave her a general response and changed the subject. Also, the nights we spent talking were about bullsh*t and not my broken relationship. I'm looking at those LOGS she specifies in the email right now. YUP. NOTHING ABOUT MY EX.

[fiat500]

also, i got dumped in November. It's now January. I didn't talk to her most of December and not at all this month.

 

So I couldn't possibly be talking to her about it as much as she claims. My ex's birthday was in the first week of December. I didn't even talk to her then. I stopped hearing from her about this time.

Edited January 21, 2011 by fiat500

[curiousnycgirl]

I guess she is telling you that she is choosing to not be your friend - frankly she is kicking you when you are down. Not a very christian thing to do from what I've been told.

 

It is during times such as these that we learn who our true friends are - for me it's been a real and very sad eye opener. There are a few people who I would have walked over hot coals for, and have at least figuratively in my past - who have not even been able to find the time to call me back within a WEEK of my leaving a messge. Or if they did they give it 2 minutes and then have to run. It's just stunning to me. I recognize they have priorities, but if you are not going to call back immediately at least make sure you have time to talk when you do call!

 

This was a woman who got dumped and left alone in south east asia, and sat there her hotel crying her eyes out - I didn't think twice, I got on a plane from the US (ok 2 planes), got her drunk, and got her butt home. She couldn't even find the time to just talk to me.

 

Or the woman who begged me to recruit her to my company so she could be closer to her siblings, she had a job within 2 months. Then when she resigned and her boss got arrested for fraud, she got rehired. Then when that company went under (not her fault) and her life savings went with it, I hired her with a 50% increase (she's worth it). A few years later I recommended her for her next job. Now that I'm looking, she doesn't return calls let alone initiate conversations.

 

Yup it's when we find out who our friends are. Fiat I am so sorry this is happening to you - but from this you will know who is worth your time and effort and who is not. Who truly walks the talk and who does not.

 

And remember we are always here for you.

 

Sorry if I took over or anything I do that some times when I get full of righteous indignation!

[Duckduckgoose]

Someone crapped in her wheaties, but that gives her no right to crap in yours.

 

She's a Christian you say? Well since my stbxH left the church I have been attending has been nothing but supportive of me and non-judgmental about my situation.

 

I can't do much about her attitude, but she needs to pray that Jesus will guide her heart in the right direction concerning how she should treat a friend in need.

[whichwayisup]

In her own way she's letting you know it's too much.. She can only give so much since she is married and her primary relationship is suffering abit, you worry her and the expectation level or demands you put on her IS getting to her.

 

Talk to others, and keep that friendship with her on a lighter note, more fun based and go from there.

 

She sounds frustrated that she's given you alot of time and effort, advice and it's falling on deaf ears.. You're not in a good place right now and she's feeling drained by hearing you out so much.

 

It took courage for her to tell you that stuff, honestly she cares because it IS affecting her. If she didn't care she would not have bothered sending that email to you.

 

Hope this helps you understand from where she's coming from..

 

She also may be feeling unappreciated, there for you all the time and it's a one sided friendship. When was the last time you asked her how SHE was doing and made the conversations just about her and her life, problems, things going on in her life? Just something to consider..

[whichwayisup]

We’re still friends and honestly I still care about you but for my own sake and my husband’s I can not continuously deal with a situation that isn’t going anywhere.

 

Let me ask, how do you interpret this? I have a theory but would like to know what you think.

[freestyle]

Fiat---It seems to me, that you're well within your rights to still be in the midst of the grieving process, especially considering that the breakup you went through was only last November.

 

I do think your friend was needlessly harsh with you---while her intentions towards you may have been good, I believe that one of the worst things you can say to a person in the midst of the grieving process is, "Get over it." or "Let it go-you have to let it go............"

 

Like another poster said, it's kinda like kicking you when you're already down.

 

Impatient demands telling you how you're supposed to feel ( IMO very arrogant and insensitive) do nothing but invalidate the very real experience that you're having. It just serves to make you feel more isolated when you need support the most. It's almost like denying you your right to feel what you feel.......

 

Life is a tapestry--not every thread is happy ....it's the full spectrum of experiences and feelings that makes the fullest picture.

 

A good friend will allow to be sad when you're sad, and will listen without judgment when you need to vent.And they won't invalidate you.

 

 

I've had similar experiences with friends recently, so your story resonated with me.My bff of just over a decade snapped at me for discussing my relationship issues with her, and not following her advice, She said she was tired of hearing about the same stuff all of the time and nothing ever changes. The actual dynamics were that we would have long talks twice a month at best, so it's not like I was blowing up her phone all the time- I'm always respectful of people's schedules, and I take into account what they have going on their lives as well---a few times I refrained from turning to her for support because I knew she had major stuff going on.(travel plans, career stuff)

 

What really angered me was that the first 5 years of our friendship , was me listening to her cry over the same guy, in a situation that was unchanging....(she was the OW to a man who had a steady girlfriend of 12 years). Not once did I judge her, chastise her, or show impatience with her for always complaining about the same thing.I just listened--for hours sometimes--I was being a good friend.So, I became understandably angry when she wouldn't do the same for me.

 

 

Sorry, I didn't intend to talk about my own stuff so much- I'm hoping to illustrate that these dynamics are fairly common.

 

I've been studying invalidation as well as other areas of relationship dynamics, and I came across an excellent essay validation that I'd like to share with you--maybe you can send it to your friend. Frankly, I'm about to send it to a couple of different people in my life as well.The author does a great job of spelling out how it feels to have people tell you to "get over it" when you're in the midst of an emotional crisis. Hope it helps....

 

here's the link:http://www.thecattbox.com/validation.htm

 

best wishes---sorry for the pain your going through.....fs

[IfiKnewThen]

OMG her letter was disturbing. i am sorry, i cant stand when people do this.

 

just because one gives advise doesnt mean you have to now turn into her and do all she says. for petes sakes. mostly you need to hear that you will someone come out the other side and that she is there. i get the part of her having a husband and it may wear on their time and such. i get that she feels frustrated that you are not stepping inline getting all better all fast enough for her...............

 

but, i had a slef righteous friend like that that i ditched. she used to dump all her stuff on me and i was supportive but when i did it.. oh brother..she thought she was a shrink and started talking down to be telling me what to do acting like i was overreacting...sighs. then she went from that to NOT giving any advise. was like me talking to a wall. she got to her about my misery and offered nothing..then felt better about her own life after hearing about mine. ROFL. wow what a pal!

 

so, i stopped calling her and then she wanted to know why she didnt here from me and said in a email..she misses venting to me. so selfish.

 

i guess i can see her saying.. "look, i dont know what it is lately but i cant cope with too much these days ..and your pain pains me. i am sorry. when i am stronger..i hope i can give more. please dont be mad at me. maybe i need to take this is smaller increments. but dont worry you will get thru this. forgive me. i can only do what i can handle for now. i am here..as much as i can be.

 

but this crap of you dont listen to "ME" so why ask for advise. sometimes we need to sort through things. we do the best we can. tell her not to take it personal. i am sorry youre going through this with a broken heart. people dont understand. and they think we are all cut out of the same cookie cutter. try to forgiver her in your heart but she sounds somewhat useless now. i wish i knew what you wrote back to her.

[IfiKnewThen]

i meant to say i DONT get that youre not stepping in line fast enuff for her. hehe:laugh:

 

i am sorry for your pain and heartache . hugs

[IfiKnewThen]

i meant to say she got to HEAR about my misery. sorry for all those typos. i hope you figure out what i was trying to say:rolleyes:

[blueyedgrl85]

Instead of gently telling you how she felt, your friend sounds like she let resentment build and build and unfortunately it exploded in the form of an email. The two of you probably need some cooling off time and you can turn to other friends for support in the mean time. Once you feel stronger and things have calmed down, you can then decide if you want to maintain the friendship or not. All the best!

[fiat500]

curiousnycgirl : you seem like an amazing person I wish I had a friend like you. people who have your back are an extreme rarity and i would never take that for granted. no one really knows what real friendship is nowadays.

 

whichwayisup : i'm always there for her when she needs me. when she calls to talk about issues she's having i drop everything i'm doing, even when i'm at work to listen to her. sometimes she even talks about the same issues with her husband but it doesn't matter. i offer her my input but never expect her to listen because she has to do what she thinks is right. last year my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers and i called her because i needed someone to talk to and she told me that she "didn't know what to say." i didn't mind that but then a few weeks later we got into an argument and she gave me the same speech and claimed i didn't want to listen to her "counseling." it was downright shocking and ridiculous.

 

freestyle : thank you. yes, it's only been two months since the breakup and i'm feeling a lot better but i'll have an occasional sniffle here and there. i'm sure i will be 100% by the time the summer rolls around and if i stay away from facebook forever. it's not like i've been talking to her about it for months and months though.

 

it's just the worst thing in the world after a breakup for more crap to fall onto you and have more people leave you. she sent me a message last night telling me that i'm over dramatic when it comes to breakups.

 

.... i've only dated two people in my life and the first one was when i was 19.....

 

and yet when she calls me to talk to me about something, she's always in a bad mood and i'd have to spend some time getting her to calm down or if she's excited she'll talk so fast and loud and i'll have to ask her to repeat herself slowly. Um. Yeah.

 

also in her email she mentioned she got over someone fast so why can't i? the person she got over was when she was in high school and right after that she met the guy she married. she never had to deal with a breakup in her adult hood. i remember her b*tching to me every valentines day how she hated the day and always chose to wear black because she never had a date. it's funny how life is so GRAND for her now.

 

i agree with you on experiencing the full extent of grief. i'm glad you shared your story so i don't feel alone. thank you for the article. i feel like people who can't handle being there for someone if it's not rewarding for them somehow are not mature emotionally.

 

IfiKnewThen : you're right. i think i should stop answering her next time she needs me. my response to her was kind. i told her that when she needs me (which she did in the past) i'm always there to listen to her even if she talked about the same thing over and over (which she has). i always offered my input but never expected her to follow it nor would i get angry if she didn't. i mean am i supposed to apologize to her for getting broken up with, being devastated by it, and therefore causing her grief? it's really silly. hey, friend. sorry for being dumped and causing YOU so much stress to the point where you have to have people pray for YOU. damn. i'll try not to get dumped next time. oh me.

 

i appreciate all the responses.

 

And even though she indicates it in the email, I never expect her to KNOW what to do or say. I never expect to hear her version of what i need to do. MY GOD. That part really annoys the crap out of me. Like I LOOK to her for advice and hope and if i don't follow it i suffer for it. Like she's god or something. Ugh. So f##king annoying.

Edited January 22, 2011 by fiat500

[freestyle]

Hey Fiat--you're welcome:)...

 

and I'd also like to suggest--if you're not ready to completely write off the friendship yet, if you're hoping to salvage it, think about emailing her a copy of that article/essay/blog, whatever you want to call it, that I provided.

 

It might open her eyes to her behavior.

 

I know it was eye-opening for me. It explained very clearly what I was feeling and experiencing with some of my friends--how I'd end up feeling worse after turning to them for emotional support--I just wasn't able to articulate it as well as the author of the article did.It was incredibly frustrating.

 

I also realized that I too, was guilty of being the invalidating friend over the years, not always, but here and there. I believe I meant well, telling someone to "get over it already!"....and now I realize just how insensitive that was.

 

It's so easy to minimize and be dismissive of pain---when it's someone elses'. And , like the article said--so many people have a knee-jerk reaction of wanting to "fix" their friend's problems.I was one of those, many times.

It doesn't mean you're a bad person-wanting to help a friend is indeed a noble aspiration. But expecting a friend to heal and get better according to YOUR timetable, or do things YOUR way, is not helpful at all.

 

It only makes them feel more pressured, when they're already heavily burdened.And they feel that they have to defend their fundamental right to feel whatever they feel......

 

After being on both sides of that fence, I feel like I'm seeing it more clearly now,and I feel like I can be a better friend to those I care about..I've also learned that sometimes you have to cull out the friendships that are perpetually lopsided---if it's always one person doing the giving, and being the sounding board--it's okay to move on , and make room for healthier friendships.

[whichwayisup]

I guess don't rely on her as much? Reading that last part, that she sent you a message saying that you were dramatic and can't get over someone as fast as she can is crazy. How ridiculous is that. People grieve and get over break ups at their own pace. I mean if it was 2 years and you were still this upset and dow, then yes, you'd need a butt kicking!

 

whichwayisup : i'm always there for her when she needs me. when she calls to talk about issues she's having i drop everything i'm doing, even when i'm at work to listen to her. sometimes she even talks about the same issues with her husband but it doesn't matter. i offer her my input but never expect her to listen because she has to do what she thinks is right. last year my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers and i called her because i needed someone to talk to and she told me that she "didn't know what to say." i didn't mind that but then a few weeks later we got into an argument and she gave me the same speech and claimed i didn't want to listen to her "counseling." it was downright shocking and ridiculous.

 

Okay, was just making sure it was a two-way street.

 

So this isn't the first time she's thrown not listening to her "counselling" at you. red flag, my dear! Its like she's enjoying being "therapist" yet scold you when you don't do what she says or react the way she wants you to.

She has an ego, that's for sure. And some control issues??

 

If the positive traits of her personality and the good times are more than the bad, stick with the friendship, but if you find you're feeling more frustrated than anything and not wanting to open up to her about stuff as much in fear or worry she's going to crap on you, then just change the dynamic of the friendship. Keep it more casual and less serious, more light. When the timing is better, you two should talk about it though, especially if you want her in your life.

[IfiKnewThen]

quote : red flag, my dear! Its like she's enjoying being "therapist" yet scold you when you don't do what she says or react the way she wants you to.

She has an ego, that's for sure. And some control issues??

 

 

this poster hit the nail on the head!!!!!!!!!

[Vixen Gemma]

I'm going to have to disagree with the majority of replies here..

 

In my experience I've been the one to tell my best friend 'it's over' because really, her drama started to stick on me. It was like her emotions were emanating through her to my being and it made me mentally and physically sick!

 

Point being, I've been the person to tell my best friend in distress that I had enough and as it would turn out I was right in doing so, her true colors were very, very bright and rotten. I can't speak for your friend of 12 years, her intentions are questionable unless you get to the bottom of it and ask her. There can be many reasons. Though she seemed upfront to me, at least she still wants to be friends. You have to have been through something like this, like I have, to take both sides in.

[fiat500]

I'm going to have to disagree with the majority of replies here..

 

In my experience I've been the one to tell my best friend 'it's over' because really, her drama started to stick on me. It was like her emotions were emanating through her to my being and it made me mentally and physically sick!

 

Point being, I've been the person to tell my best friend in distress that I had enough and as it would turn out I was right in doing so, her true colors were very, very bright and rotten. I can't speak for your friend of 12 years, her intentions are questionable unless you get to the bottom of it and ask her. There can be many reasons. Though she seemed upfront to me, at least she still wants to be friends. You have to have been through something like this, like I have, to take both sides in.

 

yeah, i understand. but the the thing is i wasn't calling her every day. if we talked about my break up she always brought it up FIRST. and talking about my breakup would consist of me expressing a sentence of bitterness over it and then CHANGING THE SUBJECT. If i called her, it was about something else entirely. She would then TELL ME that she was there to listen if I needed to get more stuff off my chest. She shouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it. In her email she made it sound like i only called her because i NEEDED to talk about my ex. It's untrue and she's entirely in love with herself. She makes herself out to be a martyr if you read the email.

 

 

More proof i didn't talk about my ex as much as she claims: my relationship ended in november. I talked to her once or twice a week for four weeks (as indicated in the email) then we stopped talking for all of december and all of this month so far. she hits me with her email the second week of january. i can totally understand if i was talking to her about this for more than two months, but DAMN. we only spoke for a month and most of it was NOT about my break up. I WAS MELANCHOLY. YES. But I was never like "I'M SAD. LET'S TALK ABOUT MY EX. Never.

 

I tried calling her to wish her happy holidays in december and she never picked up. Then she claims in her email she never picked up because she thought i was looking to her majesty for advice.

 

another thing: she always tells me "fiat500, i appreciate if you don't tell other people about my problems." which i don't. yet she goes running off telling people about me and getting them to pray for her because of the 3-4 week BURDEN of me getting dumped that i put on her heavy, heavy load of other burdens she must be carrying for other people as well. and the "for my sake and my husband's" statement was just the mother of all bitchy attacks a woman can tell a friend. REALLY. For her husband's sake?

 

whichwayisup: i'm ending the friendship with her. and i'm not even going to let her know. she has her head so far up her ass it's not even funny. i put up with her because i've been friends with her since i was 12 but over the years i have noticed she's only out for herself. it was a quality that became apparent to me when i was around 17 but dismissed it because we were old friends. she only talks about herself but god forbid i have a problem. she can't take it. she may very well be a good person to friends who live close to her but she doesn't have patience nor is she very kind if things don't go according to her plan and the way she sees things. there have been numerous conversations which consisted of her complaining and being angry over things that never turned out the way she thought they should and i can't even begin to tell you how many times i've heard her tell me about her desire for money and things for HERSELF. are christians supposed to pray for money and good grades? because she does.

Edited January 23, 2011 by fiat500

[IfiKnewThen]

i hear your hurt and frustration. i really understand where you are coming from.

 

at least distance yourself from her for a long while.

 

if and when you guys do speak again....just let her know how her response did hurt you and her timing was awful.

 

she may not be able to take the weight of anything much, so don't take it too personally. she may have a heart but doesnt know how to give it.

 

some people have more or less compassion than others and some have more patience.

 

seek out those people to talk to.

[Flavia]

What a painful self righteous email she sent you. I think part of the situation that may not be visible to you is that she and her husband were in the habit of discussing you and your perceived shortcomings, and that she was acting out the "fed up" drama for his benefit, probably more than anything you said or did... You didn't deserve all this, and probably the best response is to cut her off from any information about you and your life that she can judge you on. I hope the new year brings you better friends and sweethearts.

[Tayla]

There is a difference between counseling and consoling verses Dictating how a friend *SHOULD* handle a situation, particularly a breakup.

 

Sounds like your friend is confusing "her" terminology of "counseling "with the real word dictating to you.

 

Yes its frustrating to be an onlooker when a friend is veering down the wrong path , but it doesnt sound like you were doing that. You were trying to recover from a heartache. Big difference in my book.

 

Even the closest of friends have to have enough distance to see clearly and objectively.

[hellyegal]

I feel like because you call me you want to get this situation off of your chest and in return I know you expect to hear my version of what you need to do, but I can’t help but feel that you d failed to heed to my advice and you’re suffering from it – I’m sorry that he treated you the way that he did, but picking yourself up and finding alternative avenues and venues is the way that you get over a break up I know this all too well – another guy –will- come along, what time? I don’t know but he will

[curiousnycgirl]

You guys are too kind - we've all had our wild youths (a vision of cousin vinnie saying that word popped into my head of course) to some degree or other. Back then I didn't think twice about just hopping on a plane - now I've got to make a few more arrangements before I can go - OY responsibilities!

 

After growing up in an exceptionally cloistered religious environment, where I KNEW my destiny was to get my MRS degree in less than 4 years, and having that dream yanked from me just before I acheived it - I grabbed my wild years in my 20 and spent them mostly across the US and Europe, with a smattering of the far east.

 

To answer your question she was in Bali and he just left her crying in her beer.