juliejeanes Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 we got married last year on his two week leave from iraq. he came home in march and i got pg...everything changed. he was depressed and started acting diff. I got suspicious and went through his things. found out he was calling me a bitch to his friends who were girls. they talked bad about me saying i was no good for him. i even found naked pics of girls that he received. i tried hard to be a good wife. after i had our son 3 weeks later he came home from work. we werent fighting he just came in said he wasnt happy and started packing. he went to stay at his moms. he says it is all my fault. he says he cant get over the past when i cheated on him which was before we were married and even tho i told the guy no more than once i didnt fight him off and it was my fault. He should not have married me if he couldnt get over it. i have been faithful to him ever since we have been married. he texts this one girl constantly and she tells him im no good and she wants him. i went and filed for seperation agreement and the judge will give him a choice to either come home or pay child and spousal support. he says im all about the money but i pray that he chooses to come home. I love him very much. I just dont understand how he could have changed so much and now he says he dont love me. i pray for him every night. I know we were meant to be together but I need advice on how to get him back. Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Girlfriend...let him go. He doesn't have enough character or integrity for you. Pray and ask God to send you your divinely correct husband. Ask Him for provision. And make sure you get child support. Your husband is responsible for child support. Don't delay on that one. Don't even try to get him back. Move on. Learn a girl's most favourite word: NEXT! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 he says he cant get over the past when i cheated on him Ding!!!! It's over. Go your separate ways. I feel for his son. Make sure he has access and make sure he pays child support. See a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 we got married last year on his two week leave from iraq. he came home in march and i got pg...everything changed. he was depressed and started acting diff. I got suspicious and went through his things. found out he was calling me a bitch to his friends who were girls. they talked bad about me saying i was no good for him. i even found naked pics of girls that he received. i tried hard to be a good wife. after i had our son 3 weeks later he came home from work. we werent fighting he just came in said he wasnt happy and started packing. he went to stay at his moms. he says it is all my fault. he says he cant get over the past when i cheated on him which was before we were married and even tho i told the guy no more than once i didnt fight him off and it was my fault. He should not have married me if he couldnt get over it. i have been faithful to him ever since we have been married. he texts this one girl constantly and she tells him im no good and she wants him. i went and filed for seperation agreement and the judge will give him a choice to either come home or pay child and spousal support. he says im all about the money but i pray that he chooses to come home. I love him very much. I just dont understand how he could have changed so much and now he says he dont love me. i pray for him every night. I know we were meant to be together but I need advice on how to get him back. i have been good to my husband and he just left after my baby was born 3 weeks later. my friend tells me to ignore him and act like i dont care anymore. tell him im done and dont tell him i love him and dont let him see me cry. this worked for her and her husband when he was cheating on her. im hoping it works for me. i love him very much and im hoping he doesnt go file for divorce. has anyone been through this before and did it work for u? My friend says to ignore him and act like I dont care anymore and let him know I am done and he will be coming back to me. She says if I keep telling him I love him and showing him how much I care I am only pushing him away farther. Is this true. Does this work? i am n the same place as u. my husband left when i was 7 months pg came back and left again 3 weeks after giving birth to our son. he says he is unhappy and it is my fault. i believe there is another woman bc he text this one girl constantly. she talks about me and tells him im no good for him. I have been good to him and faithful. my friend tells me to ignore him and act like i dont care. I am trying and it is the hardest thing to do. I just want him back bc i love him so much. my husband will get served next week for child and spousal support. the judge will give him a choice to either come home or pay. I dont know how he is going to react when he gets the papers. He has already threatened to burn down my house bc i went to a lawyer. I know I am stupid but damnit i love him bc he use to be so good to me and love me b4 he came home from iraq and i got pg. I just dont understand how he has chose to leave me and his newly born son. I just know there is another girl trying to win him over and talks bad about me telling him im no good for him although I have been wonderful to him. Has anyone been in this kind of situation. Ok...hopefully this is all the back story taken from multiple threads. JulieJeanes, we would love to help, but have to keep it to one thread starting out so folks can get the gist of the story. Let's try and make this the working thread so LS'rs here can try and help too and you can get advice in one place. First - Did you cheat on your husband before you were married or were you a victim? You stated that you told the other guy no more than once, so I have to ask...are you a victim or did you know what you were doing? Without that knowledge, it's hard to advise you on how your husband is harboring that, but it sounds like he is very resentful towards you and he views it as cheating. Instead of working through that with each other, he is acting out because it was never resolved to him. Just because you weren't married at the time doesn't make it right if the two of you were committed to each other. How long was it between the supposed cheating and the actual marriage? Don't play games with your husband if you truly want to resolve this and get him back. Pretending that you have moved on and don't care will get you just that, him moving on as he has other women waiting in the wings. If you don't care, then don't care and move on. If you love him and want your family back stand your ground that you are his wife and want to work on this together. Get into MC and maybe some IC for both of you so you can be good parents to that baby. What is the time line between him asking for the divorce and when you filed the separation and child support papers? I'm sure all of this is like being on a roller coaster, but you need to know exactly what you want from this marriage. Lashing out at each other isn't going to accomplish anything other than more hard feelings with a baby in the middle. Please keep posting to this thread so we can keep it all together and try to help. Trippi Link to post Share on other sites
Author juliejeanes Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 The guy that I was with before i got married was an exboyfriend and yes I said no more than once to him but I did not fight him off of me bc I was scared. I told him about it and everything that happened and he told me he forgave me and still wanted to get married. I have not cheated on him since we have been married. I love him very much. He is cheating on me with a girl. he has texted her constantly and my friend saw him with her today in his car. I feel like he is bringing up the past bc that is the only excuse he has to leave without looking like a bad guy for leaving his wife and 3 week old son. I filed the papers for seperation last week which was 3 weeks after he told me he wanted a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Regardless of what you did in the past that he said he forgave you for there is no excuse for him to cheat on you now AND leave you... especially with a young baby! If your cheating in the past still bothered him so much he should have left you before, not used what you did as justification for his behaviour (as there is none). Eye for an eye leaves everybody blind. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I'm still left wondering how long it was between the time you cheated and the time you both married. Was it a week before your wedding, a month before...what I am trying to get at here is that he did not resolve or have time to really think or work on his feelings on your cheating...now he is acting out by doing the same. Is that an excuse...no, it's not; however, it's already happening. People can say they forgive all day long, but the true act of forgiveness is to work through the emotions and that takes time. Did either of you do any counseling over this to try and resolve it? I believe you when you say that you have been faithful since the two of you got married...but, has he brought it up often before his behavior began? He was good to you when he was in Iraq because he was not really having to deal with his own problems...he buried those just because of the basis of his training and where he was at....and then realized he had to face them when he finished his tour. The question you really need to be asking yourself is if you can forgive him now if you did have him back? And, can the two of you resolve the past issues without them becoming a basis of discontent in the future. If not, then you both probably need to move on and find happiness somewhere else and take care of your son the best you can. There are many here that will tell you that the cheating happened early in the marriage, but came back up as discontent 10, 15, 20 years later. You both sound to be very young, but if you both cannot truly forgive one another, it will never be resolved for a happy marriage. There's no easy answer unfortunately...do what is best for you and your son. Fighting, pleading and begging will only drive him further away right now and playing games such as you have moved on will only serve him with the acceptance that what he is doing is fine. Limit your contact with him, keep it only to the child's needs and do not talk to him unless he is willing to talk about the marriage in a positive way if you want to look at reconciling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author juliejeanes Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 We got married 4 months after it happened. and yes I can forgive him for cheating on me bc I love him and took vows to stay with him in sickness and in health. I am 31 and he is 30. He has been married before and so have I and we both were cheated on with our exes. He told me he would never leave me unless I cheated on him while we were married. that was a lie bc he is gone. If he came to me and told me the truth about everything I would be willing to work things out. That is all I ask for is for him to be honest with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 We got married 4 months after it happened. and yes I can forgive him for cheating on me bc I love him and took vows to stay with him in sickness and in health. Both you and him obviously have boundary issues. Why were you hanging out with your ex while you were dating your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author juliejeanes Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 no i was not hanging out with my ex while we were married. we were not married and i told that guy not to come over and he did anyways...he said he needed to talk to me and be friends and then he started messing with me and I told him no more than once and he kept on and I was scared to fight him off. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 no i was not hanging out with my ex while we were married. we were not married and i told that guy not to come over and he did anyways...he said he needed to talk to me and be friends and then he started messing with me and I told him no more than once and he kept on and I was scared to fight him off. 1) You should have cut contact with him 2) You should have called the cop when he came over while you didn't want him to. 3) You should have hit him and pushed him away and yell when he tried something. 4) You should have called the cop and report the rape if you didn't consent. You have boundary issues and so does your husband. Admit to your own fault and the choice you made, in general and in the men you choose to associate yourself with. Link to post Share on other sites
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