Blue Gardenia Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 so here's the story. i'm a woman. Yes, read the title, that's me. Met a wonderful man last yr. No sex because I don't believe in sex before marriage. He loved me so he didn't pressure me, althogh we were intimate. He had been sexually active in all of his other relationships. We break up. We loved each other very much. we wanted to get married some day. things didn't work out, despite our efforts. It had nothing to do with the lack of sex. We were both heartbroken when it ended. He has since met someone else. He met her a few months after we broke up. Its been 6 months since we broke up, and 4 months since he met her. Let's say she's a rebound, and deep down he still loves me. I don't know if that is the case, but let's say it is Will the fact that he is sleeping with her make him not want to come back to me? Does the sex make it easier for him to stay away from me? Does the sex make it far easier to bond with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yes, yes, and yes. Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
J0N Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Sorry but yes. Sex is a big part of most relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
poorguy Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yes it does. You have to understand thought that he is in the honeymoon stage if his new relationship. That's when you have that crazy bond that sex facilitates. It's amazing too.....The only problem is is that it doesn't last long. So initially the answer to your question is YES, but in time it could go either way....I have a saying- Show me a hot girl and I'll show you a guy who's sick of F-cking her Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blue Gardenia Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 right, but since he's now returned to a regular sexual relationship, and he remembers what its like, he may not want to return to a sex-free relationship even if he loves me. That's what i'm worried about. Link to post Share on other sites
poorguy Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Oh...yeah I didn't pick up on that...I sort of thought you were kidding or something????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blue Gardenia Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 ok, so I guess he's not coming back.... Link to post Share on other sites
poorguy Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I'm not being wise here but, I suppose that would be dependent on what you would do if he came back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blue Gardenia Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 what do you mean, "I'm not being wise here" ? do you think he would first ask me if I would sleep with him, before coming back to me? I doubt he would do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 What kind of virgin are you? Have you done some sexual acts? Most people on both sides are upset when a relationship ends. This means you shouldn’t use that as hope that you will get back together. It’s unclear from your post how long you guys dated. The only way a no sex relationship works is if there is an engagement and upcoming marriage. A celibate relationship can’t go on for years with no light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you weren’t a virgin my advice would be to move on come to terms that you will never be together. If you’ve made it known you want to be back together and that’s not happening then emotional investment in this only prolongs your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 It might be hard for you right now, but would you give more details about the relationship and the breakup? We break up. We loved each other very much. we wanted to get married some day. things didn't work out, despite our efforts. It had nothing to do with the lack of sex. We were both heartbroken when it ended.It's very hard to give you advice without understanding why things didn't work out ... "despite your efforts" ... what kind of effort were you both putting in and why was that necessary? Was it a LDR? Were there religious differences? Cultural? Financial? Why do you think that he loves you "deep down" and would break up with you anyway? There has to be a good reason for this. Link to post Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yes, if he's not asexual, he won't be happy with a sexless relationship. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blue Gardenia Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 ok, here goes. We were intimate, but we did not have intercourse. Yes, there were religious issues. It was a long distance relationship. We were very entrenched in our respective careers. We fell in love fast and hard. I was the one who broke things off because I did not thinkwe could work out the religious differences; he wanted to continue. At the time, I was going through a bit of spiritual crisis because I did not know how to resolve the issues. He did not think I would change my mind. He did not try contacting me again. In the meantime, I did do some soul searching of my own and decided that I loved him enough to relinquish some of my previous religious issues. But when I returned to him 3 months later, he was involved with someone else. He said when I pushed him away, it felt like I pushed him off a cliff. Until that point, he thought we would get married. That is why I believe he was heartbroken and loved me deeply when we broke up. There were other things happening at the time too...he wrote to me a few weeks after we broke up and told me about his feelings, etc. He said certain things when I contacted him again that led me to believe that he did care about me deeply. If he has truly moved on, and is happy in his new relationhsip, then that's great for him....i have to let him go...But I guess for my own sake I would want to know if the sex issue has anything to do with him not coming back if the current relationship doesn't work out. I know, I know - I have to move on, we have no future, its pointless to even think this way. But if he's not coming back, then I want it to be because he is truly in love with this girl, or that he truly feels we are not compatible for religious reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 When you get over him you will be able to find someone that does fit your religious beliefs. Please believe that sex before marriage, in the context of a committed relationship is the new "save yourself for marriage". As much as I hate to say that. Its probably because people are waiting longer to get married. They are putting career, etc before marriage. Not back in the day when marriage was the first thing on the menu. In that context it would make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Ok, thanks for the specifics. You broke up with him, for one thing. That's a pretty big detail. I was the one who broke things off because I did not think we could work out the religious differences; he wanted to continue. At the time, I was going through a bit of spiritual crisis because I did not know how to resolve the issues. He did not think I would change my mind. He did not try contacting me again. In the meantime, I did do some soul searching of my own and decided that I loved him enough to relinquish some of my previous religious issues. But when I returned to him 3 months later, he was involved with someone else.This is really key. You did the breaking up, he was convinced you would not change your mind, so in his mind, it was over. He gave himself permission to move on because there was no reason to hesitate. You must have sounded very resolute for him to feel this way, as you also said he wanted to marry you until you felt you could not compromise on religion. He said when I pushed him away, it felt like I pushed him off a cliff. Until that point, he thought we would get married. This ended it for him, I think you can see that. Just b/c he was heartbroken, that doesn't mean he couldn't move on quickly. He cared for you, of course, but it was useless for him to care, it was over. If he wanted to marry you, he still cared ... but you'd be surprised how someone can care and still put someone in the past. You really hurt him, you see that don't you? So inasmuch as he cared, he's a man with a strong will, and he just moved on. It happens. But if he's not coming back, then I want it to be because he is truly in love with this girl, or that he truly feels we are not compatible for religious reasons. It's moot. Completely and utterly. It's over for him. She might be a rebound, she might last. But he wasn't the one who broke it off, you were. You felt you could not compromise. Maybe I am not clear, but you were the one who said the religious diffs were the deal breaker, not him. Then you changed your mind, but it was too late. So if he does not come back, it's because it ended for him 6 months ago. I'd find peace in the decision, if I were you. If your religion means that much to you that you broke off with the one man you felt you had a future with, you must feel deeply about your religion. If you are finding now that you could compromise, then use that in the future. It's hard to imagine that you felt strongly enough about your religion that you broke up with someone that wanted to marry you, and then three months later, say you can compromise. There's a good chance you would be resentful some where down the road, so this probably was for the best. I just cannot imagine that if you were so madly in love with this man, you would not have known a lot sooner that your religion could be "flexed" in some way to accommodate the man you truly love. Just my take. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 4 months seem too long for just a rebound... anyway, I don't think sex (or religion for that matter) is important in the context of him getting back... if anything, the fact that you sort of saved yourself for marriage, should make him to value you more... "let's see, which woman suits me better? The one who slept with me after a couple of dates or the one who was strong enough to wait after marriage?" He seems to have moved on, regardless of this particular circumstance in your relationship or his take on the whole matter... Maybe it is a moot point, but did you tell him that you were willing to give it a second try? Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 How long did you date him? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 It's hard to imagine that you felt strongly enough about your religion that you broke up with someone that wanted to marry you, and then three months later, say you can compromise. There's a good chance you would be resentful some where down the road, so this probably was for the best. I just cannot imagine that if you were so madly in love with this man, you would not have known a lot sooner that your religion could be "flexed" in some way to accommodate the man you truly love. Just my take. I think this is well put and a very good point. I would also suggest that this very thought process may well have factored strongly into his calculus, as he processed the failure of your relationship, and any possibility of reconciliation in the future. The fact of what you did (breaking up with him related to the religion issue) will likely overshadow anything that you can say or promise about compromising. Overall, while the sex issue may play some part in his thoughts and feelings, I don't think it would represent a make-or-break issue - the tipping point - about "coming back" at some time in the future. When you were both still looking forward to a future together, it was clear that he was committed to the relationship and ready to see it through to marriage without the premarital sex. It was a much bigger element that was damaged when you broke up; don't get distracted by focusing on the sex question. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 In the meantime, I did do some soul searching of my own and decided that I loved him enough to relinquish some of my previous religious issues. I just have to tell you- never ever sacrifice who you are or what you believe for the sake of being with someone else. It isn't worth it or justified. The idea when looking for a partner is to find someone who fits the needs you have for a partner not to mold someone into what you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blue Gardenia Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Maybe it is a moot point, but did you tell him that you were willing to give it a second try? It is probably moot. I did tell ask him for a second chance. To be honest, I did not get into details about how I had changed in terms of my outlook; but, I did tell him that I regretted what I did, I regretted putting the pressure on him, and that it would be "different" the second time around. I did not go further, because he told me he had met someone else. I could also tell that he was still angry inside that I had pushed him away. But I asked for his forgiveness, and he said that he had forgiven me and that he still cared for me. I am absolutely heartbroken and filled with regret. I wonder sometimes if his level of attachment was less than mine, and that is why he was able to move on within 3 months of our breakup; I really struggle with that question, because when I look back, he seemed to truly love me and when we spoke again recently he certainly did not deny the strength of his feelings while we were together. I thought that by pushing him away due to my religion, I would be preserving my spirit and soul. Instead, the opposite happened. I realized that it was my spirit that was, and remains, broken, because he was so dear to me and I lost him. Link to post Share on other sites
Rose T Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 I thought that by pushing him away due to my religion, I would be preserving my spirit and soul. Instead, the opposite happened. I realized that it was my spirit that was, and remains, broken, because he was so dear to me and I lost him. Blue Gardenia, I am so sorry for the hurt you're going through. Rejection and the sense of one door closing causes extreme anxiety and hits our sense of self-worth. But it is possible that the very idea of him being with another person is magnifying the feelings you had or have for him. It happens to us all. You need to try and find peace with yourself. You have to love yourself enough to trust that Blue Gardenia who made some very difficult decisions a few months ago about this man. You have to trust that deep down, those decisions were correct, for whatever reason. You will love again and you will find someone who understands your motivations. Don't be scared of the future and please don't be haunted by the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blue Gardenia Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 I've tried, I really have. But the regret and sense of loss is overwhelming. It could be because I've never had a serious relationship before him. Or, it could be because the first serious relationship I had was a very significant one. He respected me a great deal, and when I was with him I did feel cherished. I am worried that I am stuck. Part of me feels like calling him and asking him if anything has changed. I know that would be self-torture, because if anything has changed on his end he would get in contact with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Rose T Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Regret and a sense of loss are absolutely normal sensations. But while you're fantasising about the past, you have to also fantasise - ruthlessly - about what a second chance would be like. 99% of the times they just don't work out. There would still be bad feelings, still these push-me pull-you dynamics, still insecurity, weighed down by the additional pain of everything you've experienced since you found out he moved on. Second chances almost never work, Blue Gardenia. That means you have to mourn this relationship and think about your future. It will be with someone else, someone wonderful, whose amazing, unique qualities you can't even imagine yet, because your ex's image is somehow burnt into that special place in your heart. But his image will fade and you will find love again. How do I know? Because once you've experienced love, you'll want to find it again. Everything that went wrong in this relationship will serve to make your next one stronger. It'll help you make wiser choices about whom you get close to. You have to believe this because being stuck isn't in human nature. Yes, we often resist change, but life is all about growth. You should feel blessed. Wonderful things are yet in store for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Questionis Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) Why not go to church and meet a nice church boy? This way you will not have to do so much explaining and justifying and then you can get married and do your thing! Edited January 24, 2011 by Questionis Link to post Share on other sites
Fee Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) I am absolutely heartbroken and filled with regret. I wonder sometimes if his level of attachment was less than mine, and that is why he was able to move on within 3 months of our breakup. Not the case. You are feeling rejected now, but you rejected him first. The heartbreak and the pain you are feeling now is what he already felt... And this was at a time when you were still connected. You broke his heart by breaking that connection. Of course he would not want to hold onto that feeling... This does not mean he didn't love you. He has said as much, but the trust has been compromised. Also, I assume he's in his 40s too? This wasn't a teenage love affair. Chances are he has been through breakups before and has tried and tested strategies for coping. This is your first love, you said. Every heartbreak is awful for whoever is involved but by this stage in his life he has probably learned enough to cope, particularly when feeling like he is not wanted. Very sorry you're going through this. Time heals all. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that it seems he did care. If he didn't, he wouldn't have taken it to heart the way he did, and said what he said. Edited January 24, 2011 by Fee Link to post Share on other sites
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