40 year old Virgin

[Blue Gardenia]

Yes, I rejected him first. I was going through a spiritual "crisis" of sorts, and it was the best decision I could make at the time. At the time, I told him I loved him and I wanted us to work this issue out. I didn't reject him because I wanted someone else. Just because I pushed him away doesn't mean that the alternative, losing him, was more palatable for me.

 

But a part of me feels that if he truly did care and love me, why didn't he give me a second chance when I called him a few months ago. I was genuine, honest, and he knew I still cared and loved him. He cared for me too....don't know if he still loved me by that time, but I know he still cared.

 

He was hurt, there is no doubt about that. I am still filled with guilt over that, that I could hurt another human being. I hurt another human being, and I lost him because of it.

[Graceful]

You did not lose him because you hurt him.

 

You lost him because you made a clear, concise choice: religion trumps the relationship. You made it very easy for him to walk away. Easier than if it had been a more emotional reason on your part. Your reason was not linked to emotion.

 

You lost him because you made a choice. Instead of asking how deep his feelings were, try asking yourself why you bought into the dogma and propaganda of a religion that caused you to feel you could not stay with someone outside of your religion. Why didn't you get some pastoral counseling? Or talk with a member of the clergy or ... just think for yourself? I am not buying that it was only your religion, either. You must have had additional, deep reasons for breaking it off. Makes no sense what so ever that a woman your age, who finally meets the love of her life, someone who wants and accepts her ... and you can't make any compromises and can't figure out how to practice your religion while you are in a relationship?

 

My parents are an interfaith marriage with also vast cultural differences, and they moved heaven and earth to be together. I have relatives and friends and loads of people I don't even know that manage to have a religious life with a partner of a different religion. It is not that big a deal unless you make it one.

 

I just don't buy it. You had other reasons you are not facing. Until you do, you won't be resolved. Stop wondering about him. You let your religion guide you into a decision that cost you, so maybe you should decide if that is the right religion to practice. Sorry, just not buying; also, I guess I am very militant about dogmatic religions that make people feel like they can't even have a life. Sorry.

 

Talk to your therapist. Figure out the real reason you pushed him away, b/c it certainly was not 100 percent religion. Again, sorry to be harsh, but I am not buying it I mean, really, if you wanted someone to be in your religion that badly, then you don't date outside of it. I don't know what you do for your religion, attend church daily, not drive on Saturdays, use separate dishes for dairy, etc., but if he was willing to marry you and was ok with your religion, then there has to be more than meets the eye in the way you let him go.

Edited January 24, 2011 by Graceful

[Blue Gardenia]

I agree I lost him because I made a choice. 100%. I don't agree that it was for reasons other than religion.

 

100% i should have thought it through more, I should have received spiritual counselling, I should have been more mature about it. It was the first time I ever dealt with this situation.

 

I never said I didn't make mistakes. I have regrets, deep-seated ones, because you are right - after all these years, I met the love of my life, and I shouldn't have approached the issue the way I did.

 

Yes, if you do have certain militant ideas about interfaith marriage then you will be harsh. I know lots of people who have been in successful interfaith marriages, but at the time, I couldn't envision how we could be one of them. Neither one of us was committed to moving heaven and earth to be toghether, like your parents were. It was only with time, after self-reflection, that I obtained clarity on the matter, and decided that I would make the compromise. But by that time, it was too late, he had moved on to another woman.

[Eternity001]

Religion or no religion is there not a point where you just say to yourself let go? even a little.

 

I know everyone here preaches 'stay true to yourself' and all that jazz, I think a lot of that is just saying what they think is the right thing to say though.

 

I'm an Athiest so religion is always a sore point for me that I could never handle. Being always second to something no matter what.

 

Still, in situations like this I am curious and have to ask, are you prepared to keep giving up possible happiness for religion, living your entire life out a virgin etc etc.

[Trimmer]

I'm a little uncertain just where you stood at the time you guys broke up. Can you bring the two following comments into a common context:

At the time, I told him I loved him and I wanted us to work this issue out.

I was the one who broke things off because I did not think we could work out the religious differences; he wanted to continue.

I'm not trying to "catch" you or trip you up or anything, but I'm not understanding how things actually happened - did you reject him and initiate a break up, or did you tell him you wanted to work the issue out? Did you think you could work out the religious differences, or did you not think you could?

 

I want to look at a couple other comments you made:

I wonder sometimes if his level of attachment was less than mine, and that is why he was able to move on within 3 months of our breakup...

But a part of me feels that if he truly did care and love me, why didn't he give me a second chance when I called him a few months ago.

I'm not wanting to be harsh here, but I want to gently point out that you should be careful not to rewrite the history of your breakup. I know it may ease your pain to think that he disconnected, or that he had a more active part in the breakup than he did, and I'm not going to pass judgment on your perceptions of your relationship, but I'll just say that you owe it to yourself and to your memories to be really honest with yourself here and own the fact that at the time of the breakup, he wanted to continue, and you decided to stop. Nothing that happened 3 months later changes the snapshot of that moment.

 

The breakup wasn't about him being "less attached" or "more able to move on." I know that doesn't make things any easier, but in the long run, honesty with yourself and clarity will serve you better and help you become a better person, than will rewriting your history.

 

Finally, I want to reemphasize something I think is important here:

...the regret and sense of loss is overwhelming. It could be because I've never had a serious relationship before him. Or, it could be because the first serious relationship I had was a very significant one.

You're an interesting case, because right now, at age 40, for the first time in your life, you are going through an exercise that a lot of us struggled through in adolescence and early adulthood - a veeerrrrryy different time of our lives, in developmental terms. Again - I'm not judging or saying this is good or bad, right or wrong - I just think the fact that you are learning about deep love for the first time - and struggling through its loss for the first time - as a mature adult, probably makes for a very different experience than I went through at 17 (and 19, and again at 22, etc...)

 

In some ways, it will be more intense because all your "stakes" are higher - your life is more serious, farther along, and there's just more riding on everything. The other side of it is that, assuming you are truly a mature adult, I hope you've got 20+ more years of some kinds of life experiences, perspectives, and thoughtful development that teenagers don't have, to use as tools to work through this.

 

I don't suppose this last part is advice, so much as I wanted to point out to you (and to others in the thread) that this is a combination both of an ended adult relationship, and also layered upon that, your own journey for the first time in your life, into and back out of a deep relationship.

Edited January 25, 2011 by Trimmer

[Graceful]

I agree I lost him because I made a choice. 100%. I don't agree that it was for reasons other than religion.

Ok, if you consider that the reason was nothing other than religion, then that means the very notion that you buy into a religion that dictates to you and causes you to make life-changing decisions that you regret does not mean you have issues ... well, then, ok, if you say so. mmmmm. yup, if you say so. You don't think that believing in the dogma of your religion, and kicking this man out of your life, only to turn around in 90 days to change your mind doesn't wreak of issues? Okay, if you say so.

 

It's like you were seduced by your religion. Then regretted it.

 

It has nothing to do with your inability to make decisions, or consult another human being that you said you loved, it has nothing to do with not going to this man and even going to counseling with him (or did you?) or going the extra mile or two to give yourself a reality check ... or ... oh, forget it. No issues at all. Right. Okay, if you say so. I know you were never in a serious r/l before in your life, but you have 20 more years of maturity under your belt than most of us have when we face these issues (I fell in love for the first time in high school, quite seriously), so I feel it is somewhat a cop out to use the "this is the first time" card.

 

You shut this man out of the decision process from the sound of it, so correct me if I am not correct. That's religion? Not a problem or issue for you as to how you deal with problems in your life?

 

100% i should have thought it through more, I should have received spiritual counselling, I should have been more mature about it. It was the first time I ever dealt with this situation.

And the fact you didn't even think to reach out for help, for guidance ... that's "religion" too? That's not your issue? Well, it's no wonder you're ready for a "new reality" because with a religion that has taken over your mind like this, you can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. You attribute all of your behavior "religion" and take no accountability? Not buying it.

 

What I am saying is that if your religion was the only factor used to break off with him, then you would really be at peace with yourself right now, and you are not. You would not be second-guessing yourself. You might miss him and feel very badly, but you would not have the regrets you have and made that 180 turnaround.

 

It was only with time, after self-reflection, that I obtained clarity on the matter, and decided that I would make the compromise.

So you made a "180" in a mere 90 days, regret what you did, are creating a "new reality" with a therapist who, IMHO, is defenseless in her approach with you, and again, those aren't issues for you? Okay, if you say so. You're one of the few people I have no problem being harsh with b/c of your age and b/c what you did was avoidable. If you don't face the truth or come to terms with your own issues, you'll reside in a state of denial, and that will make it very difficult for you to heal and create a healthy emotional existence. As they say ... "sadz."

[Blue Gardenia]

I'm the author of this post from January of this year, as well as in this post. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260866/

 

I just found out that the man I loved, and who very quickly got over me and got into a new relationship, got married this summer - less than a year after we broke up.

 

I should be over it, I should let go and I"m really trying, but it still hurts.

But thanks for all the responses earlier this year. Surely, I have left 2011 with a trail of tears behind me. Hopefully 2012 will see my soul put back together.

[Afishwithabike]

The fact he's married to her after a year tells me he was looking to fall in love and settle down. You're both older and he probably wanted to have a wife (maybe a family) at this stage of his life. He thought he could have that with you, but you broke up with him. Not casting blame here by the way. During the three months you two were apart, he probably detached himself quite a bit from you though it sounds like he still had some affectionate feelings for you. He might always have some residual feelings for you, but he's now someone else's.

 

It's understandable that someone who was such a big part of your life would affect you so much. However, I hope 2012 is a better year for you. Knowing that he's moved on so fully should help you detach even more from him.

[Blue Gardenia]

The fact he's married to her after a year tells me he was looking to fall in love and settle down. You're both older and he probably wanted to have a wife (maybe a family) at this stage of his life. He thought he could have that with you, but you broke up with him. Not casting blame here by the way. During the three months you two were apart, he probably detached himself quite a bit from you though it sounds like he still had some affectionate feelings for you. He might always have some residual feelings for you, but he's now someone else's.

 

It's understandable that someone who was such a big part of your life would affect you so much. However, I hope 2012 is a better year for you. Knowing that he's moved on so fully should help you detach even more from him.

 

I hope 2012 is better for me too. I actually applaud his ability to detach in the blink of an eye and literally fall in love with someone again within months. Marriage is a huge step.....

 

I'm working on detaching, for sure. I actually don't want to have a place of warmth for him in my heart anymore; not out of spite, just...I don't.

[Afishwithabike]

I realize that it may seem like he moved on too soon, but look at it from his point of view. He loved you. He wanted a future with you. He didn't mind the lack of a sexual relationship until marriage. He didn't find your faith a problem. He did everything right and yet he got dumped. He was probably caught off guard and deeply hurt. Just read the posts in the Break Up section of this board to understand what he must have felt. During the time you two were apart, he may have realized the personal religious views he holds and you hold are not compatible especially because you left him because of religion and not some other reason. He might have wondered if you're that devoted to your faith whether you'd would be compatible on other issues related to married life. He may have seen your religious beliefs as too rigidly fixed. Perhaps too close-minded for him..? Thinking that way may have made it easier for him to accept the finality of the breakup.... "it was probably for the best" type of thinking.

 

I don't mean to rub salt in your wounds. You sound like a decent person and I truly hope you find someone who is more compatible with you.

A friend of mine just found someone at the age of 40. It was a long road to love. She's quite overweight and not conventionally attractive. She's educated, well-travelled, independent and funny. She didn't have much luck with online dating, but she happened to meet a nice guy when she took up a sport. They're very happy together. Just had their first baby too. Love can happen at any age....

[Blue Gardenia]

. He did everything right and yet he got dumped. He was probably caught off guard and deeply hurt. Just read the posts in the Break Up section of this board to understand what he must have felt. During the time you two were apart, . He might have wondered if you're that devoted to your faith whether you'd would be compatible on other issues related to married life. He may have seen your religious beliefs as too rigidly fixed.

I don't mean to rub salt in your wounds. ...

 

Thanks AFishWithABike. I know you don't mean to rub salt in my wounds, and the truth is, I am in fact to blame for this heartache, and I have a lot of remorse for having hurt him (for which I hope he has forgiven me).

 

I agree with what you say in the first part of the quote above, but, as to the rest...I kinda feel based on what he said to me in our conversation 3 months after the break up that he thought I would never call him again and in the meantime he met someone who totally eclipsed me in every way - with no religion and no sexual barriers to boot. So he got the bonanza, while I'm sitting here licking my wounds and contemplating my so-called religiousity.

 

Like you said, both of us were pretty mature emotionally - so if he mentioned "true love", I assumed he meant more than a crush. But in retrospect, that may be all that it was.

 

Anyway, life lessons all around for me. He was much more resilient than I was, as clearly my wounds have not healed yet he is on a new journey in life. I truly wonder if my time will come.