JohnnyBlaze Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 "It's nothing personal". Words I have longed to utter. I have discovered, over the years, that I have no "personal/business" switch. It's all personal to me. If there is a success, I won. If there is a failure, I lost. It doesn't matter it was a work project with fifteen people and we all did everything right but some external force quashed us anyway, I still take it on me. I have found that this occurs in pretty much every aspect of my life; work, personal, social, whatever. At times, it is merely an annoyance, while at others it can be a major setback. Has anyone else here managed to break the cycle, and if so, do you have any tips? Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I realised that my cup was too full and I couldn't cope. It was a choice between either moving forward and living my life or be weighed down by events that were in the past and that I couldn't change. I had to detach myself from taking the blame and feeling guilty about things that happened. It's a rationalisation and takes time to get into that kind of mindset. Being around positive, upbeat and supportive people helps. And so does avoiding negative, critical and non-supportive people. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I learned at a pretty young age that whatever came before 'it's nothing personal' usually resulted in picking oneself up off the deck with varying levels of injury occurring. So, as a result, IRL, I think carefully before purposely saying or doing anything which might necessitate adding that disclaimer. Like the old adage, pick one's battles carefully, and foster teamwork and win-win dynamics as often as possible. If you're talking about taking personal responsibility emotionally for the failures or success of others or the 'team', that's a separate issue. I worked on that in therapy, resulting in the 'care less' philosophy I've adopted. This isn't 'uncaring', rather caring in a healthy way, as opposed to 'caring too much' and personalizing everything. The way I process is that I give the dynamic my best shot and accept the results. Whatever they are, good or bad, I accept them and move on. If the team won, cool; if not, cool. There's always another day and another challenge. All too soon it's over and all this caring won't matter anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnnyBlaze Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 January: I know the feeling well. There's a lot being carried around, and that's part of why I'm asking. The conundrum is in how to detach an action from an intent. I know, logically, that most actions that are detrimental to me are not intentionally so, but emotionally, I cannot detach the two. Carhill: The team success thing was just an example. It's not delivering things as being impersonal that gets me, it's receiving them. When I'm in on a team victory, I have no problem sharing the glory; everyone fights, everyone wins. I don't care about victories; it's the losses that I take personally. Even if it's something completely impersonal, say something work related that would have happened to anyone else in my job, I have a very difficult time in detaching myself from it (again, intent from action). That's where my problem lies. I'm like a dog with a bone - good or bad, there ain't no letting go. Link to post Share on other sites
I am healed Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 I use to take responsibility for too many things. Especially for relationships, social events, talking to women, peoples opinions of me etc. I have come to learn over the past year and a half though that I am less and concerned with making other people happy, or that I am resposnsible to make something occur a certain way. Frankly, I'm starting to give less a **** about it. I just follow my own music now, even though I'm still figuring out what that is. I guess what I mean to say JB is that in this respect I'm ligtening up my standards by seeing the bigger picture. Honestly my success in biochemistry does not define who I am as a person, I would love to do well, but if I don't it cannot take away from my life. So I guess I feel like you need to lighten your load a bit, I'm not sure how you'll do it though, I accomplished this by becoming more spiritual. But to each his own. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 I noticed that you do take everything personally. If someone expresses negativity towards anything you are/aren't or have done, it's as if they criticized you directly. As an example, in my thread about making LS a better place by not participating in the stupidity and drama. Perhaps you can learn to step outside of yourself and analyze everything from a third-party perspective. It's not as if you're going to be butt-hurt if a bug gets squashed so why take everything else personally? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnnyBlaze Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 Healed: Yeah, a need to lighten the load is definitely where I am right now. Between the psychological effects of the crash and things that are coming down the pipe soon (not affecting me practically, but very deeply, emotionally), the next month or so will definitely be a time of sink or swim, and I don't like that. Not one bit. The odd part is that I feel very little responsibility to others. There are, of course, exceptions, but for the most part, if someone doesn't like me or something I did, I won't lose any sleep over it. It's more about not being so accountable to myself. I have to figure out how to say "s**t happens" and move on. ike many others, I'm my own worst enemy. Given how tenaciously I go after enemies, that can be very dangerous. TBF: Funny enough, that was one of the threads that I thought I took less personally*. The primary reason I opted out of that is because I have seen too many threads (both on this forum and others) where it becomes a case of "if you're not with us, you're against us", and I had concerns that the group would turn into that as well. On a related note, and I am not asking facetiously, how is that project going? Have you noticed a positive difference as a result of it? I agree with the third-person perspective. When it applies to others, I can be very logical and detached, to the point where many of my friends & Brothers use me as a consigliere of sorts. So I do know how to do it. I just, for some reason, can't figure out how to invoke it when matters apply to me. I know it's possible, I'm just not sure how. * For those who didn't buy a programme on the way in, look up TBF's "The Elitist Thread". The post in question is on page 4. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 JB, Fear not, some folks have more heart and it can work in some fields of career and be a downfall in others. I, too, like you cannot detach and carry the " Its Business, nothing Personal" mentality. On an episode of Boston Legal a line stung to the core when the lawyer said, You know the devil is at work when they tell the employee "its nothing Personal", its personal to them and that is where business becomes ugly. A business is run by "persons" not computers or non entity clones....so learn to value those that work FOR you" I sat back and totally GOT that episode . I am mystified by anyone who does subscribe to that mentality of business nothing personal. Its callous and cold to the core. Link to post Share on other sites
jenifer1972 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Every noticed though that people who say this are on the "dishing it out" side, and not the receiving end..? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 Every noticed though that people who say this are on the "dishing it out" side, and not the receiving end..? WOW! Seriously , Good observation, I never realized that til you mentioned it. Puts things in better perspective.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnnyBlaze Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 I probably should have worded my original post better. It's not so much that I want to be able to say it to someone else as I want to be able to convince myself of it, when s**t happens. Over the years, I got used to simply accepting that it happens, rather than change my perception. However, a few recent events have dramatically raised the bar (it's that whole cumulative effect), and it's getting a lot tougher to deal with. And yes, Jenifer, you're right; 99% of the time, those who say it are on the delivering end. Link to post Share on other sites
eternalsunrise Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 "It's nothing personal". Words I have longed to utter. I have discovered, over the years, that I have no "personal/business" switch. It's all personal to me. If there is a success, I won. If there is a failure, I lost. It doesn't matter it was a work project with fifteen people and we all did everything right but some external force quashed us anyway, I still take it on me. I have found that this occurs in pretty much every aspect of my life; work, personal, social, whatever. At times, it is merely an annoyance, while at others it can be a major setback. Has anyone else here managed to break the cycle, and if so, do you have any tips? I used to feel that way, too. But it became all too much too carry that weight on my shoulders especially the older I've gotten. I HAD to prioritize what I would let affect me personally and what I would not in order to keep my balance in life. Feeling centered is very important to me. It was hard to let go of taking responsibility of certain things but I was honest with my self in that I had to decide what I would give my energy to so I could save the best of me for the right causes/people/situations, etc. It's something that has to be practiced, assigning a value to circumstances/people, etc. It might even help if you make a list, if you're a visual learner...Make a chart and literally assign where in that chart does deserve the best of you. Anything that doesn't, like whatever is on the bottom of the list, psychologically compartmentalize it and objectify it. When you utilize or objectify something, you learn to think of it in a functional way with no emotions involved. Most work life should be in that category, in my opinion. Does this help at all? Link to post Share on other sites
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