She's tainted

[2.50 a gallon]

notagame

 

Thirty years ago, I was totally in your shoes, when I caught my bride of 6 months kissing a co-worker during their lunch break.

 

I went beserk, and they were lucky that they were safe behind a chain link fence topped with razor wire. I couldn't get at her physically so I let loose with my mouth, humilated her and let her know that it was unsafe for ever to come home again.

 

We had no kids, and I just walked away. After about a month when she realized that I had already bedded someone else and that she had lost me for ever, she made numerous attempts to get me to talk to her and reconcile.

 

Needless to say it was too late, though I missed her something fierce, there was no way that I would ever let her back into my life.

 

The reason that I am posting is to warn you to not let this failed relationship ruin your future.

 

Though I quickly returned to dating, it took me 15 years to finally trust and let a woman get close enough to me and once again share my life. These are 15 years that I now look back as a waste, and see that perhaps I was wrong and should have got counseling. My one regret in life is that I never had children, something that I had always wanted.

 

Looking back I now see that I let my anger turn into distrust and I walked away, hell man, I ran away from a few relationships, that could have been.

[2long]

not:

 

White flower is right, your soon2beXW does have a heart, and will go through her own painful recovery (if she learns anything) from this experience.

 

People are people. Some people need 2 make s2pid, selfish choices in life 2 discover it's not the kind of life they want 2 live.

 

I always advise cutting losses in cases like yours where there are no children, and especially if they're young or haven't been married long. It's the one case where recovering from a divorce is probably less painful than recovering the marriage.

 

2.5 also makes a great point. Live by your values. Obviously, your values don't include being cheated on by your spouse. Similarly, wait until you're divorced before starting another relationship. This is as much in consideration for your partner's well-being as it is for yours.

 

Years from now, you'll want 2 be able 2 look back on the choices you made when this marriage ended, and know that you did the right things by you, and by your loved ones.

 

best,

-ol' 2long

[What_Next]

2long PLEASE (I bet of you) STOP butchering our lovely language. Is it too difficult to write a post that doesn't resemble a text message from a 12 year old?

 

Sorry to thread jack, but that post is SO hard to read.

[LifesontheUp]

Your wife made her choice to cheat. The choice on what to do about it is yours.

 

I chose divorce which isn't the easy option some believe it is. You do what you feel is the right option for you.

[neveragain1]

Okay well that's you. This is me and it's necessary. Divorce will literally save my life (hopefully).

 

yes it will. there is a wonderful world out there for you. Staying with a wench like that is no life.

 

once its all said and done, trust me, you will start to really enjoy life and live again.

[neveragain1]

I chose divorce which isn't the easy option some believe it is. .

 

divorce is never easy. but its a short term, temporary time of hardship.

 

staying with someone you can't trust is a lifetime.

 

its like if a doctor told me, "you can have surgery to get rid of your pain, but you will be in severe pain for a few months. or you can forgo the surgery and be in pain the rest of your life"

I'll take the short term pain to excise a cancer from my life.

[Darth Vader]

2long PLEASE (I bet of you) STOP butchering our lovely language. Is it too difficult to write a post that doesn't resemble a text message from a 12 year old?

 

Sorry to thread jack, but that post is SO hard to read.

 

 

Don't attack him, Man, it's just his trademark signature on these forums, like me, Darth Vader!

[Binster]

You did what had to be done.

It's okay them geting into it with you, how about they go home and kick her arse around.

[Darth Vader]

MIL and FIL stopped by to talk to me today. I was a little reluctant but I gave in and listened to what they had to say. You know them. Talking about how wife is sad and crying all over the place over me. Then the final prize: Go over to their house and have a small talk with her.

 

Told them no and it got a little heated between the three of us to where I told them to leave. I understand why they feel the way they feel because that's their daughter but there's nothing for us to talk about unless it has something to do with us legally/financially. I mean what's there to talk about? Why she cheated? How she misses me? She wants our marriage? We can "work it out"? It's just pointless. She did what she did and I gotta do what I gotta do.

 

 

Sounds like a power play if you ask me, she asked mumsy and daddykins if they could go over there to talk to you and fix it all real nice and make things all better despite her not being able to keep her legs closed and resisting the urge to straddle other men!

 

PLEASE!!!!!

 

If you would've done that, they'd be trying to help their little pumpkin screw you over for everything!

 

BEWARE! She may try to do something drastic to try to get you back! I mean ANYTHING!

[2long]

How does she have a heart? Can you honestly explain that to me in elaborate terms? How can someone with a heart do this to me? Huh?

 

Like many people who "follow their hearts", she believed that romantic love has a basis in reality. That it's "true love". And she believed that pursuing this love was more important than honoring the promises she made 2 you. She didn't "do it 2 you" so much as she "did it just for her." Obviously, that's no consolation. But it might explain why she's only now showing signs that she wants 2 stay married. Maybe she had a "wiskey tango foxtrot?" moment and grew a notch. But that's her problem, not yours.

 

Right, so it takes her to be a slut with someone else to realize how she's hurting our marriage.

 

Apparently. She won't be the first. Or the last. (if she truly has such a realization).

 

She would've kept doing this if I hadn't caught her and she STILL had the nerve to lie to me about how many times she screwed him, even when she was caught.

 

Cheaters always lie. My W lied about how long and how often her affair happened when I discovered some of their emails. But she confessed even2ally.

 

Glad we have no kids. I still would've divorced her if we did though.

 

Entirely within your rights. I have 2 kids and we had been married 26 years when I found out. I still seriously considered divorce, and more than once. Recovery is a long, hard road.

 

I really don't care about my partner's well-being anymore. She never cared about mine for a long time. She has showed me that she doesn't want this marriage so I'm showing her I don't want it either. She has showed me that she doesn't want me as a partner and a full lover to rely on. Well I feel the same about her.

 

I was referring 2 your fu2re relationships.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

And it really hurts that she can be so selfish and evil.

 

I try not 2 attribute malice where simple s2pidity will suffice! But I felt very similarly shortly after d-day, 9 years ago.

 

You'll know that you're recovered from this when you can look back on her more with pity than anger.

 

Hey that's good for you man that you're still trying. Just not my style.

 

It's not a matter of trying, after all this time (our 35th anniversary was 2 months ago). Our marriage is different now (thank goodness!). More importantly, I learned years ago who exactly is responsible for my happiness (ME!) and what makes me happy (taking responsibility for MY choices and values). When she does something that helps me 2 have a better life, I'm grateful. But I'll never "expect" it anymore.

 

People don't have affairs because their spouse isn't meeting their needs. They have affairs because they don't protect their marriage (which they are as much a part of as their spouse is) from their own susceptibilities 2 temptation.

 

-ol' 2long

[Carrot2000]

MIL and FIL stopped by to talk to me today. I was a little reluctant but I gave in and listened to what they had to say. You know them. Talking about how wife is sad and crying all over the place over me. Then the final prize: Go over to their house and have a small talk with her.

 

That's a low blow. Why is it on you to make things right? Your MIL and FIL are seeing their daughter suffering and instead of making her take a look at her own actions and behavior, they're coming to you. You're not the one who messed up and you don't have to fix a damn thing if you don't want to!

[Binster]

Have to agree with lkjh you really have been decisive on this, many guys go all feeble at times like this so I guess you really know your mind.

 

Try not to be too bitter, I know that's easy to say. But why spoil other relationships just because she's a wrong un, thats just another way of leting her beat you.

Good luck for the future.

 

By the way what hapened to the other guy when you found out.

[Darth Vader]

I'm not going to tell everything but I'll give a run down.

 

We got married in early 2004. Had a big wedding, nice honeymoon, all that stuff. We started having problems in 2005 and 2006 because we were trying to have kids and it just wasn't happening. She had two miscarriages. She was really depressed and she felt that I wasn't there to comfort her and that all I cared about was my job. Let's just say we had some big arguments and she ended up getting some counseling for herself. She was ready to divorce me and I had to do everything I could to persuade her to stay and I mean everything. We got back together but she wanted to get her tubes tied because she didn't want to go through what we went through again. I told her I could get a vasectomy but she was adamant about her getting her tubes tied. She got it done and there were times when she would bring it up out of anger and I did my best to comfort her and we got through it. Nothing in particular didn't happen after that. Arguments of course but nothing out of the normal.

 

Now there was a few things that were a little off last year but I let them go. She got red streaks in her hair, which I thought was funny because she said she would never do that to her hair. I asked her about it and I got the I-wanted-to-try-something-new response.There were a couple times where she was a little distant, citing work-related issues. Now I know why she was "stressed out", because of her affair. Everytime I asked her what was wrong it's oh nothing I'm fine, why are you so worried about me. Now I know the real her. And her phone confirmed it.

 

So now you all see why I'm so pissed. Putting my life at risk, lying in my face, and wasting my time.

 

 

I've seen this before, yes, it's a possible indicator that an affair is ongoing.

[TMCM]

Individual counseling was very important to my personal recovery after I divorced my serial cheating ex-wife. But I also found that watching or listening to comedy like Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfield, Red Foxx, Jonathan Winters, etc., on a weekly basis, helped me tremendously to maintain my emotional strength as a man and a father. Check out AOL Comedy Attack! for it allows you to hit the F5 button on your keyboard if the comedian is not to your liking.

 

Don't allow the toxic twins anger and bitterness take permanent residency inside your heart. For all it's ugliness, the world is full of many beautiful people.

 

I already know what you all will say, blah-blah-blah, but I didn't cross any lines. Just helped out a nice woman right? [/Quote]

 

Good for you. Just remember that it is soooo easy to fall into another relationship before completely healing from the previous one. It wouldn't be fair to the woman (your neighbor) or you.

Edited February 27, 2011 by TMCM

[2long]

[TJ]Hey TMCM!!! How are you man??[/TJ]

 

-ol' 2long

 

P.S. I tried 2 PM you, but couldn't

Edited February 27, 2011 by 2long

[Distant78]

I took a jog this morning. Came back to see a woman moving in next to me. The house has been empty since August (glad when the last neighbors moved out, ugh). We greeted and talked for a little bit about where she was from and all that. Told her a little bit about myself. She looks pretty decent and was all smiley and stuff. I helped her move in the rest of her things. When we were done we stared at each other for a little too long then I snapped out of it and I told her to have a nice day then went into my house.

 

I already know what you all will say, blah-blah-blah, but I didn't cross any lines. Just helped out a nice woman right?

 

Just make sure you avoid her. Don't end up being like your wife.

[Darth Vader]

Just make sure you avoid her. Don't end up being like your wife.

 

 

Oh course, avoid her, however, your divorce will be final soon, and if anything should happen (after the divorce) well, I guess it happens. Don't just go jumping into something right now........

[Darth Vader]

Yessir, don't jump into "it" yet (pun intended:laugh:).

 

 

 

OMG!:lmao:

 

 

In my case, there was no pun intended! Now I know why you're Distant, Distant, I can see that from a distance!:lmao:

[2long]

Just remember that it is soooo easy to fall into another relationship before completely healing from the previous one. It wouldn't be fair to the woman (your neighbor) or you.

 

This is especially important because she's a neighbor. Take things slowly, after your divorce!

 

-ol' 2long

P.S. TMCM, got your PM, but your settings wouldn't let me reply.

[TMCM]

Ya, I won't be "falling into a relationship" anytime soon.

 

You might want to consider making sure that you don't share too much information regarding your current situation. A man in pain can cause a woman to lower her emotional defenses and let her nurturing side get the best of her. Eventually she may end up falling in love with the man who she views as a kindred soul. This applies more so if she married or in a committed relationship that is undergoing troubled times.

 

Before a woman takes of her clothes to a man, she first undresses her emotions to him. It may not be your intention to deliberately have this or any other woman fall in love with you, but it may happen if you don't tread carefully.

 

-ol' 2long

P.S. TMCM, got your PM, but your settings wouldn't let me reply.

 

Try again old friend.

Edited February 28, 2011 by TMCM

[Sal Paradise]

You handled this perfectly.

 

 

You have no kids and you haven't been married that long and she is already cheating (and for over a year!). No reason to stay with someone under those circumstances.

 

What's funny is how different the response is to threads like this when its posted by a man who was cheated on vs a woman who was cheated on. If it was a woman it would be almost 100% - dump his cheating ass - from those who respond. When its a man there are always a few who want the guy to give it time or to try talking with her or to see a counselor and see if it can be worked out.

 

 

Anyways, good job taking care of business and not falling for her crap. Like I said there was nothing to keep you in the marriage (no kids and you weren't married that long) and if she is cheating that early in the marriage there is a good chance she'd do it again.

 

Life is too short to be spent with a horrible human being with no self control and who doesn't respect you or your marriage. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Give yourself some time and wait until you can approach your next relationship with as little baggage from this one as possible (there will always be some baggage). Try not to let it make you bitter.

[2long]

I won't speak for others, but I base what "advice" I give on the length of the marriage and whether there are kids. Then, tweak THAT based on the OP's inclination. Doesn't matter whether the BS is male or female.

 

Not had already called quits before we got any further details. Based on that, I thought it best 2 cut his losses. Since he posted more info later, which suggested that it might have been a somewhat dysfunctional relationship even before the affair, I am even more inclined 2 support his desire 2 bail.

 

-ol' 2long

[Sal Paradise]

I know right?

 

Like a man is supposed to just put up with even more pain and disrespect because he's simply a man, and is physically stronger than her. Love the double standards.

 

 

Which is a form of sexism against women. Its basically suggesting that women are fragile flowers and need to be saved from themselves or that they're incapable of being selfish pigs like men and shouldn't be held accountable when they screw up. I also like how when the woman cheats its often blamed on the OM, that he took advantage of her - which is also totally sexist.

 

Its also sexist against men in that its suggesting that if a woman is cheating in some way it has to be the man's fault because women simply don't cheat if the man is doing his job as a man.

[fooled once]

notagame, I am so sorry for what your wife did to you. In trying to find a silver lining, at least you found out . Small blessing. And at least you found out now rather than 5 years down the road. Another small blessing.

 

you just find out what every man finds out about women. Youll wade through all the bull crap and find out that she never really cared about you. men gain nothing from marriage. every woman is a con artist. Her thrills of other men out weight her loyalty to you...you made the mistake of staking your financial future to a woman's romantic interests....huge mistake.

 

get out and live your life...your life should exactly the way you want it every second of every day...

 

sorry to disappoint you whammy, but not all women are con artists or a cheater. I was married to an abusive drunk, but I didn't cheat. I divorced him. There ARE decent, moral, honest and trustworthy women out there. And just like with cheating men, you have to wade through some crappy ones to find a good one.

 

Hey how are you feeling today? Please try to stay calm and rational. I promise that one day you will look back at this and feel nothing but indifference. Nobody is worth hurting yourself over. I know that sounds cliche but this pain and anger will pass and you will be okay, honest you will. Try not to push away the people that care about you, this is not the time to become isolated and alone.

 

Great post Alexandria!

 

not:

 

White flower is right, your soon2beXW does have a heart, and will go through her own painful recovery (if she learns anything) from this experience.

 

People are people. Some people need 2 make s2pid, selfish choices in life 2 discover it's not the kind of life they want 2 live.

 

I always advise cutting losses in cases like yours where there are no children, and especially if they're young or haven't been married long. It's the one case where recovering from a divorce is probably less painful than recovering the marriage.

 

2.5 also makes a great point. Live by your values. Obviously, your values don't include being cheated on by your spouse. Similarly, wait until you're divorced before starting another relationship. This is as much in consideration for your partner's well-being as it is for yours.

 

Years from now, you'll want 2 be able 2 look back on the choices you made when this marriage ended, and know that you did the right things by you, and by your loved ones.

 

best,

-ol' 2long

 

how do you know his wife (soon to be ex wife) has a heart or will go through a painful recovery? Some women don't have morals or honor.

 

Each person has to decide if they want to recover from infidelity or not - the length of the relationship and children really doesn't play into it, from my point of view. What matters is how the person who has been cheated on feels - and some people just cannot get past an affair; and in the same vein, some can and do recover from infidelity (even with no children).

 

Why is everyone telling him to not date until the divorce? Depending on the state/country, he may be required to wait a year for a divorce to be final. He should take some time to regroup, but he didn't jump the neighbor lady nor did he say she was married. No harm in being neighborly

 

 

Like many people who "follow their hearts", she believed that romantic love has a basis in reality. That it's "true love". And she believed that pursuing this love was more important than honoring the promises she made 2 you. She didn't "do it 2 you" so much as she "did it just for her." Obviously, that's no consolation. But it might explain why she's only now showing signs that she wants 2 stay married. Maybe she had a "wiskey tango foxtrot?" moment and grew a notch. But that's her problem, not yours.

 

Apparently. She won't be the first. Or the last. (if she truly has such a realization).

 

Cheaters always lie. My W lied about how long and how often her affair happened when I discovered some of their emails. But she confessed even2ally.

 

-ol' 2long

 

You can't convince some affair partners that cheaters lie .. also affair partners many proclaim that the cheaters only lie to the wife/husband, but not the affair partner.

 

Again I have to ask, how do you know what kind of "love" his soon to be ex wife had with the guy she had an affair with? How do you know it was "true love" with the dude? And then you state that she had a WTF moment and now has decided she wants to stay married? I see it more as if she is trying to do damage control and not have her reputation as a cheater found out.

 

In the end, each person decides what they will and won't tolerate. Each person has a bottom line or a non-negotiable.

 

I hope for notagame that he can eventually turn a corner and his anger will abate and he will see that he has a great life ahead of him and he has cut dead wood out of his life and she didn't deserve him.

 

notagame, I hope as each day passes, you begin to heal. Do something JUST for you each day - for 15 minutes at least. As time passes, tell yourself that you aren't going to think of her and her cheating more than 15 minutes each day. If you find yourself thinking of her and her behavior more often, distract yourself and refocus on something else. Kinda like stopping smoking or drinking. I wish you the best.