Can you stop caring for your first love?

[Confused_Chump]

I just wanted everyone’s opinion on a dilemma that I am in. That dilemma is, do you ever stop caring for your first love?

 

Here’s a link to my back story so that you guys have a better understanding of my situation.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2228882&postcount=1

 

It’s been approx 1.5 years since that post. During this time, I did everything I can to move on. I implemented NC for a few months before I found out that she broke up with the new guy. So I tried one last time to get back together with her, but she told me that she really no longer had any feelings for me. Upon hearing that, I quickly went back on NC in hopes of moving on for good and have been following it for over half a year.

 

I recently met with her again because I felt I was finally ready to start a regular friendship with her and I found out she’s now seeing someone else. I felt a tiny bit of discomfort upon hearing this, but nothing sharp and painful. It's this tiny bit of discomfort that has compelled me to make this thread.

 

Rationally, I’ve come to accept that things will not work out between us. I no longer feel the intense pain that I felt when we first broke up and I can function daily like a regular human being now.

 

Emotionally however, there are still these “feelings” I have for her. The best way I can describe these “feelings” is that I still “love/care for” her but I am not “in love” with her. What was once a blazing camp fire is now just a pile of glowing embers. So the question is, does the campfire ever completely go out? I hear that you need to fall in love with someone else before you can completely let go of a past relationship. Does it make a difference that she was a first love? I look forward to everyone’s response.

Edited January 23, 2011 by Confused_Chump

[depplover_1980]

No you never stop caring for your first love. I was with mine 7 years, we have been split nearly 4 and the fact he is getting married next year hurts a bit.

 

I am pleased he is happy but still a bit sad.

[gator12]

No I don't think you do, especially if it was real love. You'll always have a soft spot for them no matter what. I dated mine for three years, she was my best friend for 2 before that. We stopped talking for one year after the break up and I was still bothered by her dating other guys, but not in the jealous kind of way. But her and I are best friends to this day and I truly treasure her friendship more than anything. And if anything I;m more like an older brother when it comes to her relationships making sure she doesn't end up with some jack***, she always ask for my opinion and it's nice to know mine matters that much. My point is, you'll always feel a spot of love for them, and every once in a while a "what if" will pop in to your head but in the end just being friends with them is a wonderful feeling.

[jenifer1972]

No it doesn't go out unless you meet them later in life and don't like who they have become ( some examples on LS). And yes I think you need to find another who eclipses them to really , truly move on.

[Confused_Chump]

Thanks for everyone's replies so far. I guess the consensus is that as humans it is simply very difficult to stop caring for someone that you once had a relationship with. Maybe the exception is if things went really sour. Nonetheless, it's good to know that the way I feel is normal. Hopefully I'll get more input on this from other members.

[nj10]

I never stop caring about my ex..and yeah, I still love him and he is my first love..he is with someone else now..I pray for the best of us both..and i hope this feelings for him will dissapear but i dont think so..

[Perhaps]

I used to think I'd never get over her and that fear was worse than not being with her.

 

I don't love her nor do I care about her. I think about her but just like any person would of an ex - it was there, it happened, meh.

[Graceful]

Thanks for everyone's replies so far. I guess the consensus is that as humans it is simply very difficult to stop caring for someone that you once had a relationship with. Maybe the exception is if things went really sour. Nonetheless, it's good to know that the way I feel is normal. Hopefully I'll get more input on this from other members.

 

Caring for someone from your past, someone who you felt a connection with in any way, may last a lifetime. As long as you are able to put the feelings into the proper context (like filing them away), it's perfectly normal and almost comforting. You had a major chapter with that person, the person is part of your personal history. Makes sense.

 

Yes, I think ultimately the campfire does go out. That's what will happen when you meet someone new. The new person will be your new campfire, so to speak. Your feelings for the old person will be there with fondness, but no campfire.

 

Also, yes, it makes a diff that this is your first love. Cannot stress that enough. Major life turning point for you. First time heart ache. First loves are very special, absolutely.

 

Also realize ... it's not always a two-way street. Some people seem to drive their feelings off a cliff and let them go. I wouldn't say that's not normal, too. For some people, old feelings are useless emotions. The r/l ran its course, they look back on it fondly maybe, but it's not this big deal like it is for some of us. If you know anyone able to do this, that's also fine. I think there is a tendency for the broken hearts here on LS to think of that as a flaw, or someone who is burying their feelings, but that's not always the case. Some people just resolve their feelings much more easily than others of us. Comparing doesn't mean a thing, and doesn't help.

 

Look. I "get you" and you're normal in my book. Don't doubt it for a second.

 

However, I'm not sure it's a good idea to have an active friendship with her, from what you said, and you should perhaps cut back. It might be more important to continue moving on in a healthy way than to have her as a friend right now. Please think about that. You sound like a keeper, someone will find you and love you right up, and that new campfire is going to get your heart pumping again, I just know it.

[jquest1280]

I had my first love at 18, and it was a 4-year relationship. I did not put this person down as a "first love" till decades later. Even though I was the dumper, I still thought of him, and it was not until I fell madly infatuated with someone else that I stopped ruminating about "what might have been" with my first love.

 

You need to have other loves to define who is "first".

 

Next chapter, I met up with "first love" a few years ago for lunch, after 20 years of no contact. It was exciting to catch up with one another's lives, yes, very friendly. As we shared a cab ride back to our offices, I thought, I am extremely fond of him. But that was it; my heart did not leap the way it did at the thought of my ex-current love. No campfire, certainly, not even glowing embers, but it was a good feeling all the same. He's happy with his life, and I am happy with mine. I have no desire to contact him further, but would enjoy lunch if he asked again.

 

Could I get back together with my first love, if the opportunity arose? I could consider it, but it would be a new relationship, not a continuation of the one we had (which I can't recall clearly anymore, anyway )

 

As for you, get going with the rest of your life. These feelings for her should not take center stage. In time, they will find their proper place, and you won't even notice because you are happy with what you're busy with. Good luck, and good life.

[Jannah]

I just wanted everyone’s opinion on a dilemma that I am in. That dilemma is, do you ever stop caring for your first love?

 

Here’s a link to my back story so that you guys have a better understanding of my situation.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2228882&postcount=1

 

It’s been approx 1.5 years since that post. During this time, I did everything I can to move on. I implemented NC for a few months before I found out that she broke up with the new guy. So I tried one last time to get back together with her, but she told me that she really no longer had any feelings for me. Upon hearing that, I quickly went back on NC in hopes of moving on for good and have been following it for over half a year.

 

I recently met with her again because I felt I was finally ready to start a regular friendship with her and I found out she’s now seeing someone else. I felt a tiny bit of discomfort upon hearing this, but nothing sharp and painful. It's this tiny bit of discomfort that has compelled me to make this thread.

 

Rationally, I’ve come to accept that things will not work out between us. I no longer feel the intense pain that I felt when we first broke up and I can function daily like a regular human being now.

 

Emotionally however, there are still these “feelings” I have for her. The best way I can describe these “feelings” is that I still “love/care for” her but I am not “in love” with her. What was once a blazing camp fire is now just a pile of glowing embers. So the question is, does the campfire ever completely go out? I hear that you need to fall in love with someone else before you can completely let go of a past relationship. Does it make a difference that she was a first love? I look forward to everyone’s response.

 

Some people will always care about their first love, but eventually it will not be enough to "hold onto". You will grow apart from it as time goes by and most likely will have another relationship at some point all of which will slowly deplete those feelings of attachment.

[TheComplicatedBear]

I fell in love with my 1st love at the tender age of 15 in 1981 . It was love at first sight. True love like I never imagined.

 

I was young, naive and emotionally needy. Focused on sports and protecting my virginity. She was a well read 18 year old, a sex starved virgin addicted to Erica Jong novels. Our relationship was originally one sided. I was interested in affection and companionship and cuddling.

She was focused on menthol, ice cubes and oral gymnastics.

 

We dated for 5 years on and off... She cheated on me constantly.

I suffered in silence. We grew apart. I feel into a coma from 1985 and awoke in 1990. Similar to Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone. To my astonishment when I awoke I was married to someone else. My first love had drifted away dating most of NJ and the 5 boroughs.

 

We lost touch and I somehow moved to the west coast. We lost touch for almost 25 years. She contacted me in July on facebook and could not believe my reaction. All the feelings and emotions came rushing back like not one day passed. We were able to talk about all the things that were on our minds. Our past and how we drifted apart. The fact that I did love her much more than she ever loved me. She was the greatest love in my life. I was proud to make it to her top ten.

 

We had the opportunity to see each other in person recently and it was magical. Today I consider her my best friend and if we weren't both married with young children I would not have let her leave. I would have taken her home with me that day. Since our reunion I must say things have been different allot of emotions, second guessing and what ifs.

 

So as many have posted all situations are different.

For me I will say that after 25 years I can honestly say she may have been the one. I'm glad that we reconnected and hope that where ever this leads we will remain loving friends .. At least.

I never stopped loving her.

Edited January 26, 2011 by TheComplicatedBear

[florence of suburbia]

Is that you, Tony?

Edited January 26, 2011 by florence of suburbia

[SimonSerenade]

I'm not too sure if you ever do, I've been trying for a while now and all that goes through my mind is being with her forever, No matter how hard I try to accept that it's over for good and there's nothing left inside her for me to hold on to.

 

All you can hope for really is that you find a love that was just as good if not better than the first, If that person don't leave then maybe there the first one true love?, After all, True love never leaves.

[Mrlonelyone]

I think you need to find another who eclipses them to really , truly move on.

 

Yes I find that to be very true.

 

The ex I wrote so much about on here, S was by no means perfect. However with all the problems in the past, and which will crop up in the future (due to the child we have) I still can't say I have done better..... yet.

 

I have dated allot of other people besides S too.

 

The New girl I have wrote less about here, E I have seen mostly good things from. Now that I am emotionally free to pursue her fully I will see who she really is. She could eclipse S. The funny thing is I have found it most distressing... that I am falling in love with E but that soft spot for S hasn't just gone away.

 

So I guess when we truly love someone in that comfortable and familiar way it never fully goes away.

 

There is a difference between loving someone, and being able to live with them.

[carhill]

I've noted, after successfully resolving such feelings, that emotional attachments are largely neutral in scope. It feels 'healthier' but there is an admitted bit of grief for the depth and breadth of what was lost. By 'such feelings', I refer to the first significant emotional attachment as a mature independent adult. In my case, that didn't happen until my mid-late 20's.

[FRDSSTR]

No worries - you are completely normal. I still have some feelings for my first love, and it's been 10 years since we ended things. Even after you find someone else, you may still have feeling for that person. There's nothing like the first time you really love someone.