My dating baby steps. kind of success today

[quietGuy13]

No i didn't meet girls for dating. no i didn't talk to them. no i didn't even have much chance..

 

but i did manage to do this

 

1. Tried to smile as i walked around the shopping centers

2. Said hi to some old people that passed by (about 3), only one heard me and he said hi back. And the other 2 didn't hear me cause i have a soft voice

 

3. went into a toy store and faked that i had something to look for there. just to have a reason to go in. and there was a young girl clerk i faked that i wanted to buy juggling balls( i already have a set at home) .. then faked that i wanted to know the price so i asked her.

 

then i faked that i would be back later and said.. "thanks i'll be back later"

 

That felt good. yeah i faked purpose but i just wanted to practice.

4.THen i went to another shopping center somewhere else. just to see if i could meet someone. I sat down at the bus stop seats. nobody was there. there was a woman and i wanted to make eye contact and smile and approach her just for conversation. But she had the cellphone and texting so i gave up. she was around in her 40's.

 

i then stayed there for a while..but i didn't see any opportunity to meet any other people then left

 

Then i went around the block and there was another bus stop where there were 2 young beautiful girls sitting. i faked looking at the bus schedule( i had a car and parked it close by...wasn't going to ride the bus) just to listen to them talk ...so that i could see if they would be the type of girls that would accept me talking to them..

 

i got the feeling they weren't so i just left

 

5. Then i went to another shopping center in another part of the city. And i decided to buy a SUBsandiwch just to see if i could have some human contact with the clerk.

 

she was a nice lady.. I ordered.. then i wasn't going to do it(like i never do) but i made 2 comments..and she was a nice person so i felt more comfortable.. Then i made another comment . then i was going to pay with a 50. and i knew that could be a chance to make another comment. i said "Let me see if i have change.. instead of that bill.." then i found some single dollar bills and was able to pay with those instead. Then i managed to say some other comment. and she was a very sweet person.

 

****

That's it.

yeah i know you guys think i'm lame cause that's all i can do even though i'm 31 but well that's how low my social skills are.

 

i'm just trying.

 

i was also going to try going to a dance lesson but it was in the other part of the city. very far

[Nexus One]

Thumbs up mate.

 

yeah i know you guys think i'm lame cause that's all i can do even though i'm 31 but well that's how low my social skills are.

 

I don't think you're lame. I respect your attitude.

[SmileFace]

I don't think you're lame . It is good to improve one's self. I to have a problem with aspects as such but I made some improvemnt recently as well.

 

When the UPS guy comes in at my job he always makes conversation and teases me for not smiling - he is always smiling . So he came in Monday and wasn't his self- wasn't smiling - it was a holiday.I would just leave people be but I decided to make conversation and asked him why he is working on a holiday. He said he wish he was off. So , then I said " Well working or not you have to always smile" - it is something he said to me before and it made him smile. It may sound silly but I am not usually one for small talk but something so simple made me feel good.

[Titania22]

Good on you QuietGuy13. You took yourself out of your comfort zone and had a go.

 

I remember when I was painfully shy. I was living in Canada, and signed up for a university subject one day, on a whim. (I was poor and wanted a library card so at least I could borrow books to read.) Anyway, I made myself say hello to whoever I happened to be sitting next to in class. It took all my guts and I felt awkward and stupid. But I made myself do it.

 

Now people would never even think I was shy.

 

These steps you are taking, may seem insignificant in the big picture, and change happens over time. In the years to come you will still remember your efforts now, and will be infinitely happy with your younger self, for having the bravery to take these early steps.

 

Thanks for sharing with us too.

[ivalm]

Congrats man!

 

I used to be a bit shy too and it has taken a lot of conscious self-pushing outside of my boundaries for me to improve. I know you can do it!!

 

PS: This is my 100th post so I'm marking the occasion .

[Seamless74]

good on you mate... your definately taking the first steps trust me I know and ive been on this same path for awhile..

 

 

First of your doing the right thing just getting out of your house and putting yourself out there.. Just keep doing that for awhile and making it a part of your daily routine as much as you can.. Sooner or later youll get more comfortable and start being much better at observing the situation around you at all times..

 

Try to do that now wherever your at Target, the mall, grocery store, bookstore what have you... Look around and when you notice hot women that your dying to talk too.. try to notice things around them that you could speak about.. doesnt mean you have to say anything just start making yourself be aware and practice things youd say in your head and rehearse the scenario..

 

keep it up

[quietGuy13]

Thanks alot guys. Yeah i'm even gonna join some dance class soon, when i get better from my spine problem(i'm better cause i've been going to chiro).

 

And i found some girl in craiglist that is giving language lessons and i already mailed her and she responded so I'm gonna meet her soon

 

I'm just trying stuff.

 

and i made more conversation with the doctors. I usually make conversation and ask questions to doctors. drs are easy to talk to but today i tried to make more conversation. it was good. i even talked to him about my plan to take dance lessons

[BobSacamento]

For something so simple...I can't believe I had never even considered it...faking purpose. Genius. I will use this for sure.

[january2011]

This is brilliant. And you didn't even need any of those conversation starters from your other thread.

 

[oaks]

 

3. went into a toy store and faked that i had something to look for there. just to have a reason to go in. and there was a young girl clerk i faked that i wanted to buy juggling balls( i already have a set at home) .. then faked that i wanted to know the price so i asked her.

 

then i faked that i would be back later and said.. "thanks i'll be back later"

 

That's good. Of course the staff in a store are generally expecting to talk about whatever they sell, so it's a fairly easy conversation to start, so once you're comfortable with that then move on to talking to other customers (eg the next person in line waiting to pay).

[Eeyore79]

I think it's great that you're getting out there and making an effort! It will become easier with time as you grow in confidence.

 

One thing I think might be helpful is to practise is a big beaming cheery smile. A small shy smile often doesn't get a response from people, but a big toothy grin and a cheery "Good morning!" often does. If you do it lots it actually becomes second nature to smile at people, and you'd be surprised at the difference it makes in how people react to you. I'm a shy person, and I've found that people respond much better when I give them a big happy smile.

 

I think talking to random people is a great strategy to build confidence. My neighbor is a very confident guy, and I've noticed that he talks to absolutely everyone. For example, when we went to the grocery store he said to the checkout woman "The weather is really great today, I bet you're fed up with being stuck in here! Do you have a long shift? The weather is supposed to be great this weekend, are you doing anything nice?" This woman was about 60-ish and married, so he wasn't trying to chat her up, he was genuinely making conversation. He will make some random comment like "Omg it's hot, how do you stand working in here?", or "Wow, that necklace is pretty, do you mind if I ask where you got it because my gf would love one", or even just "Hey, how's it going? Did you catch the game last night?". He will then have an impromptu conversation with the person in question, with lots of smiling and obvious interest in them.

 

As a shy person, I have been practising this technique of having short random conversations with people, and it's actually easier than I thought. I've realized I'm not usually that interested in people, but people do respond when I really try to express interest. Yes, I find it difficult to think of things to talk to people about, but it's getting easier. Happy outgoing people are naturally interested in everyone and want to interact with them, and it's a habit you can form if you're not that way naturally.

[quietGuy13]

Doctors are the easiest. I talk to doctors alot. hehe. Maybe cause i don't care with them because they don't judge my slow/wrong language skills.

 

Older women are also easy cause they don't judge you as much.

 

But women my age(30's) and women in their 20's or teens are juuuuust sooo judgemental cause they're usually great speakers and expect a guy in his 30's to be good speaker else they think you're a weird stupid.

[quietGuy13]

Hello guys.

Just wanted to share what i did i n the weekend.

[sIZE=2] Jan 30, 2011

 

I went out again. And there was some success. No friends yet but i tried talking to many people.

 

Let me tell you what i did today

 

1. Went to shopping center, went to bus stop. There was a girl i wanted to approach but she had both IPOD earthings AND was talking on the phone at the same time. So i gave up. Other people came t to the bus stop i smiled and said hi and interestingly i'm the one saying hi and making eye contact, no one else is doing it on me. Seems everyone is shy.. they only talk to people they know.

 

2. So i didn't have much luck there, went back to the shopping center where there was actually an outside market going on...and there was a live 3 piece band playing. Sat down and listend for a while. had my head looking up not looking down shyly. Nobody appraoched me or anything but still it was nice

 

3. Then i went back to the bus stop to see if i could have another chance. There was a guy, i asked him the time. he told me but he was really soft when saying it. like he was shy. there wasn't much more so i left

 

3b. WEnt to the bookstore on the other shopping center. Bought a book about SMALL TALK because it was really good and interesting. I've seen other SMALL TALK/HOW TO TALK books before but they were really scientific and with all these illustrations about IN GROUP/OUT GROUP and alot of complexity but this one is easy and has the same stuff but in a simpler concise form.

I bought it, it was 16 dollars^_^ I'll be using it alot now because i'm actually now doing stuff as you have seen.

 

4. Then went to another shopping center at another place in town. went into a store and asked for Egg roll wrappers.

 

5. Went walking just to see if i could see people to talk to. Saw some people, smiled, and said hi.

One lady was walking alongside me, she was in that same store.. I said hi and how are you. Then i remembered from the book i bought that it said to MAKE A nice comment on something you see of the other person. She had a baby in a baby stroller so i said "nice baby you have there".

 

6. Then i walked more and saw this Korean girl and she was at an intersection but wasn't crossing. I asked her for the time just to open up alittle conversation . she showed me her phone. i asked her which was the time.. cause it was a korean phone and i couldn't find the time so she told me. Then i asked her if she was from around here? I knew she possibly wasn't but i just said it cause i didn't know what else to say. She said she's not from here , she'was waiting for her homestay parents. She said she was lost.

 

I felt sad and ideas started popping out to try to help her even give her a ride...but i knew that was probably not a good idea cause then i would be seen as a kidnapper or whatever and she would probably be afraid of me. So i asked her where she was going. and she told me, but i just said "ok good luck" . She was really nice i wanted to talk to her more but i knew she would not be comfortable with a random stranger.

 

7. Then i went to another supermarkert center pharmacy in another part of town.

Again, i recalled the name of the book i bought "SMALL TALK" and i remembered what i read from the book and it said "Don't wait ..you have to be the one that initiates" so i just did it.

There was an old lady and she was behind me in line. i said HI. she said she wanted to find Sugarless candy and reached over in the area behind me and found them. Then i said "Sugarless huh?" she said yes..something about being artificial.. etc. I said "Are they good?" she said yes. and then we said a few more things and then that's it.

But although this has been like one of my only times in my life i did small talk. so i was proud!!!!

 

Then i was gonna go to the Dance school but i remmbered i haven't bought or found my old dance shoes and they told me(when i called) that we need Leather sole shoes so i decided not to go today.

*****

Anyways guys. It was great. I"m just starting to say HI and smile to many people. although hot girls are still scary for me because they never seem to look at me and they're just s cary^^ and also, they seem to always be with a friend or group.[/sIZE] But well although i have no DATES yet.. I just wannted to share what shy people kind of have to go through just to start even finding friends . it's not easy like with outgoing people who just start with friends in school or at work and it branches off . For us shy, it's hard as hell. especially if we start doing something late in life(like me in my 30's)

 

My next thing to do will be going to the dance class next Sunday but i didn't go because i didn't have good shoes. I'm gonna try to find some.

[Eeyore79]

interestingly i'm the one saying hi and making eye contact, no one else is doing it on me. Seems everyone is shy.. they only talk to people they know.

Yep, I noticed this too. Most people aren't actually that outgoing with strangers; if you can master the skill of making smalltalk with complete strangers then you're actually doing better than most people.

 

I'm really pleased for you because you're making positive progress and learning how to make conversation. I often struggle to think of something to say to people, but it does get easier with practice. You need to think about asking open questions which require more of an answer than yes/no, so you can start a discussion with the person. Try asking someone for their opinion on something; I usually find it's a good way to start a conversation. Dance class sounds like a great idea; go for it!

[daphne]

I love that you practice this so much. WHen I was younger, I was crazy shy. I'd stammer and blush if I was in a group of people. I was very, very awkward most of the time. Then I forced myself to talk to random strangers, like you're doing. After years of practice, I think people would say I can talk to almost anyone. I actually enjoy it because I've learned how to charm a little, disarm, and make people smile and that brings me a measure of happiness.

 

Good luck.

[ScreamingTrees]

Yep, I noticed this too. Most people aren't actually that outgoing with strangers; if you can master the skill of making smalltalk with complete strangers then you're actually doing better than most people.

 

I always wondered if people were just naturally reserved around strangers, or if I was just some weirdo for trying to talk to someone randomly without particular reason.. I used to be painfully shy, and I wonder if I had social anxiety (although I'm wondering if one can ever overcome that on their own without the aid of medication) but I got over my problems and things I don't even have second thoughts about doing now would not be possible for my old self.. I was just too self-centered and insecure to consider the possibility that it wasn't me that was the problem, so I didn't bother.

 

Quietguy, don't do as I did and let your insecurities stop you from connecting with people.. Most healthy minded people are not instantly judging you in a negative light the moment you're within their presence. Don't build up walls of thought between you and others, don't assume anything, just DO it, because the results will differ drastically from what you assumed they'd be, as you can already see from your efforts.

 

Keep doing what you're doing, but try not to think of it as a big deal, because in time you'll be looking back thinking "wow, was this really that hard for me?"

[quietGuy13]

Thanks all.Just in these two weeks of practice, I have done more than i've done in all my life. And at work yesterday I thought about what my book said and when i saw this guy that usually i just say HI to...I actually started a small converrsation. "How is work going?" etc. Yeah it's getting kind of easier.

The problem with me is also that i have very low vocabulary and I don't know many expressions and i have this mental speech problem so when i try to pronounce something it's a HIT or miss. and it's embarrising when a very common word i can't pronounce it.

So that's why if i manage to get courage to talk, i try to avoid words i can't pronounce.

 

"Yep, I noticed this too. Most people aren't actually that outgoing with strangers; if you can master the skill of making smalltalk with complete strangers then you're actually doing better than most people.

 

I'm really pleased for you because you're making positive progress and learning how to make conversation. I often struggle to think of something to say to people, but it does get easier with practice. You need to think about asking open questions which require more of an answer than yes/no, so you can start a discussion with the person. Try asking someone for their opinion on something; I usually find it's a good way to start a conversation. Dance class sounds like a great idea; go for it!"

 

Thanks!!!!! I'm trying stuff and you give me encouragement.

 

"Quietguy, don't do as I did and let your insecurities stop you from connecting with people.. Most healthy minded people are not instantly judging you in a negative light the moment you're within their presence. Don't build up walls of thought between you and others, don't assume anything, just DO it, because the results will differ drastically from what you assumed they'd be, as you can already see from your efforts. "

 

Thankkkkks. yes that's what i'm doing now. I start fearing but then i say in my mind "JUST DO IT" and i have.

 

Ok, i'll share my latest success with girls. Cause i have some lucky successes. Yeah they are online girls but they live in my city and we are planning to meet:

1. The girl that i had lost contact with suddenly emailed me again, so we're back in good terms. We're gonna meet Sunday. She's the foreign girl that i'm meeting for language practice.

 

2. The College Shy girl, i might meet..If she contacts me again. She said she was busy with school exams .

 

3. Another foreign girl I met in Facebook that is very nice and is coming to my city in February 17. We'l definitely meet causes we're great friends online.

--> By the way I'm not a Facebook junkie, I just messaged a few people cause i wanted to try to meet people who live in my city. I don't even have more than 2 friends in facebook and i don't care.

 

Anyways, with those girls I'll be sure to practice my speaking with less fear than I'd do if it was a girl i had to meet from scratch in my city. In fact, it's so much easier to first meet and befriend a girl online, then meet her in real life. I've done it before with craignlist. I found like 3 girls in the past and we met in real life and we became good friends. But then they left

to their country.

****

4)and then i'm going to Dance class.

However, with dance class. i still don't have a clue how you can befriend girls because i did dance in 2007 for 3 weeks. i would dance with girls but just danced, we wouldn't really talk. Then class would be over and that's it. we left. People say they meet and befriend girls/people in cllasses etc but i don't really know how especially if the class is something that requires you to do physical activity and concentrate on learning it.

Cause you'll be practicing the activity NOT talking.

[Cee]

QuietGuy, I am inspired by your efforts to go out of your comfort zone. And it sounds like it is really paying off. I'm very happy for you.

 

As for your disability, I think it's good to disclose it to the people you trust. It helps to have someone in your corner. I understand you trying to hide your disability and I think for your own emotional safety, that is best. But, if you disclose it to trusted people, that can build intimacy.

 

I had a romantic situation with a man who stuttered. I had no idea he had that issue or that it was major. He hid it very well by barely talking. And by skipping words when he was about to stutter. He finally disclosed it to me and he developed the courage to speak up more. He started to speak more and he would stutter a lot, but his friends knew about it and loved him, so we all listened. It was awesome to see him come out of his shell.

 

I'm so happy for you. Keep posting.

[Ometeotl]

No i didn't meet girls for dating. no i didn't talk to them. no i didn't even have much chance..

 

but i did manage to do this

 

1. Tried to smile as i walked around the shopping centers

2. Said hi to some old people that passed by (about 3), only one heard me and he said hi back. And the other 2 didn't hear me cause i have a soft voice

 

3. went into a toy store and faked that i had something to look for there. just to have a reason to go in. and there was a young girl clerk i faked that i wanted to buy juggling balls( i already have a set at home) .. then faked that i wanted to know the price so i asked her.

 

then i faked that i would be back later and said.. "thanks i'll be back later"

 

That felt good. yeah i faked purpose but i just wanted to practice.

4.THen i went to another shopping center somewhere else. just to see if i could meet someone. I sat down at the bus stop seats. nobody was there. there was a woman and i wanted to make eye contact and smile and approach her just for conversation. But she had the cellphone and texting so i gave up. she was around in her 40's.

 

i then stayed there for a while..but i didn't see any opportunity to meet any other people then left

 

Then i went around the block and there was another bus stop where there were 2 young beautiful girls sitting. i faked looking at the bus schedule( i had a car and parked it close by...wasn't going to ride the bus) just to listen to them talk ...so that i could see if they would be the type of girls that would accept me talking to them..

 

i got the feeling they weren't so i just left

 

5. Then i went to another shopping center in another part of the city. And i decided to buy a SUBsandiwch just to see if i could have some human contact with the clerk.

 

she was a nice lady.. I ordered.. then i wasn't going to do it(like i never do) but i made 2 comments..and she was a nice person so i felt more comfortable.. Then i made another comment . then i was going to pay with a 50. and i knew that could be a chance to make another comment. i said "Let me see if i have change.. instead of that bill.." then i found some single dollar bills and was able to pay with those instead. Then i managed to say some other comment. and she was a very sweet person.

 

****

That's it.

yeah i know you guys think i'm lame cause that's all i can do even though i'm 31 but well that's how low my social skills are.

 

i'm just trying.

 

i was also going to try going to a dance lesson but it was in the other part of the city. very far

 

Nice.

 

Heres my advice, some drivers you may through in to the new social software you are running.

 

This I idea that you think people are judging you as "lame" get rid of it, its really just you thinking that about yourself + even if somebody thinks that, it matters so very little.

 

Life is so small and insignificant in regards to all of existence, just look up at the stars and realize how small you are, and that those things have seen solar systems come and go.

 

So ya, my 2 cents, the only person thing that has any right to judge you outside of criminal activity is yourself (and God if that your thing)

 

In regards to other peoples opinion, in the words of Clark Gable, I just dont give a damn.

 

By all means judge me, but by no means will I give a flying rats ass.