Tell me what to do

[tommyboyy]

Okay here's the story... I am a 37year old man who met this 32year old woman at my gym. We talked often and eventually started working out together with me and my other work out partner, and was quite fun to hang with. We ended up keeping in touch outside of the gym through email. It was first to send her an IQ test but there was obvious interest on her part as I could see in person and another female friend noticed right away. It was like she really wanted to get to know me. I invited her to my house with my other work out partner for dinner. She ended up being the last to leave that night and we were up for awhile. My female roommate came home with a guy friend and she had told me she could see it just as much as her guy friend, who both just met her, that "something" was going on there.

 

After that night we made plans to hang out and she displayed interests in her emails through innocent flirtations and then we eventually discussed passed relationships. I was informed she was going to marry this guy but that she was emotionally out of the relationship before Christmas time, as he had issues. She had only been broken up from him about a month, but seemed very over him when I talked with her. They both go to the same church and she continues to see him there. Well, I thought nothing of it and am not sure what to think of it now but to move forward, I made her dinner at my house many times and eventually laid together on the couch and kissed after 3 weeks of hanging out and getting to know each other. Well, since the night of the kiss the following day I felt such a gut wrenching bad feeling about everything all of a sudden. I asked her to meet me the following Monday to discuss this feeling I had all of a sudden. She told me how did you know with out seeing me, and I just told her I could feel it. She at first said it was that she needed to get her priorities in order. It eventually came out that she didn't want to drag me into the ex-boy friend thing is what she said.

 

Well, I backed off and I sent her less than interested but congenial emails but just stepped back from her for the first time. By the end of the week, it was obvious that she wanted to talk after the gym. She and I walked outside and talked for an hour about really nothing and then I told her I didn't want to be a distraction in her life and get in the way of things with the ex-boy friend. Well, she said that her ex was the distraction not me, and she came to this conclusion on Wednesday (another church night she would have seen him). She said she doesn't want him in her life other than just to be friends, or if he needed anything or whatever. We went out that night and the next but things still haven't felt the same since we were first starting getting to know each other. It definitely feels like she has pulled back. Something I do need to mention as well is that she has an aunt that is dying of cancer and her mother and father who have been staying with her during the winter, went to see her aunt back east before she dies. This has been nothing new for the family last 6 years, other than her condition is now grave, and the family just went through something like this with her grandmother 5 years ago. I have tried to give you as much information as possible and would entertain any questions further.

 

I am in love with her, and really want to be her boy friend and maybe much more, but I am not sure where she is at and she is not opening up to me and I don’t want to force her to but she says I can ask her any questions and she will answer them.

 

Please let me know of your experiences or advice that might help understand what I should do. I have been praying often.

[lilvoyce7321]

I would just enjoy her company for a few more weeks and then I would just come right out and ask her how she really feels. Tell her how you think she is pulling back from you and ask her if there is anything you can do to help lesson her load? Tell her that you will be there for her if she needs a friend or is ready for more than just a friendship. Don't rush it to much, sounds like she is going through a lot right now.

 

-lilvoyce

[tommyboyy]

Thank you lilvoyce.

 

I think she is aware of how much I like her because I did tell her the Monday we sat and talked. It is so visible in her eyes that she is not really there right now like she used to be. She is looking at me with different eyes almost...and I totally don't want to be pressuring toward her, but it was more her interests in me that got us to where we are, and I know she has a lot going on in her life right now it just seems she is dropping by my way side.

 

Ok, I am debating on her birthday gift this Saturday, which is like the biggest day for her, and unsure what I should do. I don't want to go over board with the gifts I had in store and a friend of mine told me not to give her this poem I composed as it would be too much too soon. She said to keep it really simple and not too deep otherwise I might throw her for a real curve. I truly want to do the right thing to keep her interests as I care about her so much. My heart just breaks thinking about it or while I am trying to sleep I wake up with such a hole in my heart. Ideas?

[Fedup&givingup]

Tommy,

 

I think it's great that you are this in tune with your instincts! It's also great that you listened to what they told you. That will take you very, very far in life.

 

As Lilvoice stated, just take it real slow with her. It's obvious that she likes you. She's just getting out of a relationship, so there is healing involved there. Also, she is the one that broke it off with him, so he's most likely a factor. He's probably not over her, and since they go to the same church and all, it's going to take a while. You are in tune with all this.

 

I wouldn't do anything too dramatic at this point...a poem might be a bit too much. Offer to take her out to lunch and a movie or something, but I wouldn't pour any deep love poetry on her at this point. You know you love her, so show it by staying in tune with how she's feeling, etc. You are on the right track!

[tommyboyy]

Fedup&givingup thank you for your response. It really means a lot to me that you said something.

 

I hope I am on the right track with keeping her feelings ahead of mine, although, to be honest I have slipped up by being too inquisitive with her and her reactions toward things. And then not knowing whether to stay at the gym on Friday to say goodbye (appearing like a lost puppy dog) or just assume she and I were done for the day and leave even though we didn't say “goodbye”.

 

I usually hold back my feelings for sometime but with her it I felt quite compelled to let down my guard. She is just getting out of the relationship with him and you are very insightful with regard to possible exchanges at her church with him. I am a bit worried about things right now since I haven't heard from her and I don't know what to make of it. Maybe her aunt died? Maybe she is busy with the ex at church or maybe I set her off with my last email and questions? I really pray for patience, and just wish she would know I would never hurt her. I also need to stop over analyzing things too. lol

[Fedup&givingup]

It's all so easy to analyze things when you are forced to have figure out things that you don't know for sure. It sounds like she's got a lot on her plate right now. I think it's wonderful that you are aware and concerned about her emotionally (and in tune with what she's having to deal with within her family).

 

I will say that I believe she is being up front and honest with you. She's told you about her ex boyfriend. Since you are keenly in touch with your own instincts, you know that could be putting a lot of stress and pressure on her.

 

All I can think to say is that although you have strong feelings for her, don't embellish them on her at this point. She might not be ready to handle all that. All her overt intrest in you is a good sign. Just try to let things pan out for a couple of weeks and see what's changed, etc.

 

I think since you have feelings for her, you are left feeling very vulnerable at this point. This relationship has potential to flourish...with time

[tommyboyy]

Thanks again for the encouragement Fedup&givingup! Your name is like an oxymoron when compared to the inspirational words you provided me. lol

 

I hope the relationship flourishes eventually as well, but I agree giving her space is important right now. I did receive an email from her late this afternoon and I knew she had been at church prior to her writing me and most likely saw him. It's almost as if she derives strength from see him still. I don't know if its true or not but just seems like she is down some of the time, then gets a boost all of a sudden. She made a comment in her email which really made me worry a bit...she said,

 

"My biggest thing is I don't want to hurt anyone..you, me, or anyone else for that matter. Right now I am just so focused on my family and things like that. My life is good, I'm stable, and I'm happy, however there are things that I'm dealing with right now." Now, something I should mention is about 2-3 weeks ago she invited me to go to her church with her. Her congregation is only about 130 and most likely he would have seen me with her, not to mention others that know him would have.

 

I responded to her email by saying, "I agree that I don't think anyone intends on hurting another but sometimes it happens with no intent from anyone." I also followed up in the email a bit later, "I do know you have a lot on your plate right now with your aunt and other things that giving you your space is probably best, and should you want to do something you will let me know."

 

I just hope I am saying and doing the right things. I prefer no sugar coatings, as I understand that it would be constructive by those in this group.

 

Thanks again for your time and especially your advice Fedup&givingup!

[priscilla]

I mentioned this in one of your other threads, but isn't there either another church she can go to, or a different service time so she doesn't have to see her ex.? It takes longer to get over someone if you see them even once a week. Usually there are 2 services on Sunday, maybe she could switch. And, if she invites you again, you should go with her, but back off on the poems and all the questions you are asking her at this point. If you continue, you may push her away, it will turn her off. Just be there for her now, be her friend, let her know you are there if she needs anything. She will come around eventually but you have to give it some time.

[tommyboyy]

Pricilla, thanks for you response but from the looks of things or maybe I should say from how things are feeling I believe I might have lost her already. She avoided a whole string of things I said in an email to her that was either personal or light hearted funny that she used to repsond to. Furthermore, she told me that the funeral for her Aunt is Tuesday and her parents may come back Wednesday. I have been asking her almost daily how her aunt has been...she never even told me she died. Something else is going on that she isn't telling me and my heart tells me this at 2:30am right now as I can't sleep. I even apologized for my leaving the gym the other day without saying "goodbye" as I was unsure if she still wanted to talk or if that was that. No response at all from her. Nothing. Something is wrong. I don't know what to do. The gym used to be a safe haven for me as I have a lot of friends there. Now they ask me about her.

[overseas2004]

Well I am the perfect person to write to you about this. I just got out of relationship about a month and half ago with a man that I really really loved. He had very many issues. Besides being impotent (which I helped him get over) he also had rages of anger that one day ended in violence towards me. This is when I split up.

 

Since then I have met another guy who is kind and gentle and loving etc... We have started to date. And although my past relationship is truly over and never will be patched up (even if I wanted that). I have to tell you why your girlfriend can't be in and should not be in a relationship with you now. My new boyfriend doesn't know it but I still miss my ex. I cry about him. Sometimes I wish he was back in my life (fully knowing that isn't going to happen and shouldn't). I wake up in the morning with my new bf next to me and I get startled because I am used to someone elses face. I hurt on the inside and am still scarred by what happened. Meanwhile my new bf shows me a lot of interest. I want him to stick around because he takes my mind off things. So a few times he sensed something is wrong and he asks me "Are you sure you want this now... that you need me. I always assured him that it is fine. I don't want him to bolt. Being alone sucks. Then I realized... not fair, not fair, not fair.

 

Last night I ended my new thing pretty much because I just realized while it may be an good relationship I am not ready for it right now. It is too bad that things like this have to happen. Sometimes unfair to the people who get sucked into it.

 

Well this is what you are going through right now. You may be assuring yourself that she is over it. But if she is a normal person and she really loved him then there is NO WAY she is over it in a month. That was the hardest thing I had to admit to myself last night.

 

So I suggest that if you really like this girl maybe you can put a stop to it now and start up later. Keep in touch with her but give her the space she needs to heal and spare yourself what is ultimately going to blow up in your face. Even if she wont' spare you.....

[priscilla]

I'm sorry to hear that she isn't responding to you. I think you are just going to have to back off for awhile. Still be cordial and a friend but I think it is time to let her come to you. You can't push her, you will lose her. I think there is still a chance as long as you can be patient and give her the time to get through all her stuff.

 

I agree with Overseas. A month is too quick. I broke up with my guy about a month ago, and despite what happenned between us, there are times when I wish we were still together and I really miss him. I think about dating again, and want to do it, but it scares the heck out of me right now; just not ready. Hope all this helps, keep praying and it may all work out in a couple of months.