Wife is moving out, but don't want her to go!

[Gateway12345]

New here so pardon the rambling.

 

My wife is moving out in a couple weeks, she says she needs to be more independent, but it's really about my dishonesty in the past. I've never cheated on her, never even thought about it, but I have lied about things such as money and my past marriage. She says she doesn't think she can be with me, or trust me, but does love me.

 

I feel like I've had my heart ripped out and just want to crawl up into a ball and do nothing. I know the right thing is to be supportive and let her go to have a chance to work things out someday, but I also feel if I don't fight for us now, I'll never see her again. She is quick to jump on me and claim I am doing things that I am not even doing, tonight she thought I was following her when I wasn't and she blames me for misplacing something I haven't even seen. We sleep in separate beds right now, she's been packing for a few days. At times I am sad, and that sadness turns to anger (angry at myself for the situation I've created and angry at her sometimes for making something out of nothing, for being able to act like she has moved on, for not letting me have a chance to prove myself). Not sure where to go from here, we've filed for divorce, it's just a waiting game now. Any advice?

[robf1971]

Any advice?

 

Find out if she's cheating

[robf1971]

, but I also feel if I don't fight for us now, I'll never see her again.

 

Best way to fight for her is to stop acting like a victim, don't be a doormat. If you've been dishonest about money etc, you need to stop that. Don't tell her you are changing, just do it. Remember actions speak much louder than words. Please do not make changes for her, do it for yourself.

 

How is she financing this move and her new place. Please tell me you are not paying for it?

[2010_Sorry]

Just remember that it takes two people to make a relationship and it take two people to break one. It seems that she is 100% focused on assigning blame on you for the weaknesses and vulnerabilities in your marriage and refusing to look internally.

 

Rob1971 suggests infidelity, which I cannot argue... but I also think there could be other things going on in her life right now. Regardless of what they are, the only thing you can control is yourself. Take this time to deal with the things that you have done in the marriage, the lying... the secrets... and work to improve yourself for the future.

 

I know, it's so much easier said than done, but you cannot waste your time regretting the past... or worrying about the future. Take each day one day at a time and strive to be the better, newer person you know you are.

[hopesndreams]

New here so pardon the rambling.

 

My wife is moving out in a couple weeks, she says she needs to be more independent, but it's really about my dishonesty in the past. I've never cheated on her, never even thought about it, but I have lied about things such as money and my past marriage. She says she doesn't think she can be with me, or trust me, but does love me.

 

I feel like I've had my heart ripped out and just want to crawl up into a ball and do nothing. I know the right thing is to be supportive and let her go to have a chance to work things out someday, but I also feel if I don't fight for us now, I'll never see her again. She is quick to jump on me and claim I am doing things that I am not even doing, tonight she thought I was following her when I wasn't and she blames me for misplacing something I haven't even seen. We sleep in separate beds right now, she's been packing for a few days. At times I am sad, and that sadness turns to anger (angry at myself for the situation I've created and angry at her sometimes for making something out of nothing, for being able to act like she has moved on, for not letting me have a chance to prove myself). Not sure where to go from here, we've filed for divorce, it's just a waiting game now. Any advice?

 

She wants to leave? Let her but don't help her. She wants to live life without you? She can start now even while under the same roof. Don't be her emotional support and don't help her check out new apartments. Finances are now separate, right? Start detaching from her now. That way you won't be a puddle on the floor when she wants out that door.

 

You can investigate to find out if there is an OM. Keylogging the computer, going through her phone and going through everything and anything she owns. The things to find can be in the strangest of places. You can't fight for your M if you don't know who/what the enemy is. Is the enemy you? Would you like to take 100% blame for this? Are you a complete monster? What are her faults? Is she a saint?

 

Do the 180. Being a true and loving husband while she bails WILL NOT put you in her good books. Whatever little respect she has for you as of right now will all be gone if you beg and proclaim your love for her, over and over. She isn't listening. No respect=No love. Show her how strong you are and show her that you can live life without her if need be. Believe it or not, this attracts a WS.

 

Here is the 180.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.