Mending a broken bond

[shychica]

Hi,

 

This post is long so I apologize in advance. I met a guy a year ago for which still care deeply, even though we only saw eachother for a little while. We broke up because we had a disagreement that escaladed into something big. Basically, I thought he was flirting with a bunch of girls at party. During the convo, I basically revealed that I told my friends a lot about the relationship. He asked me what did I say. I lied, and said that I just told them we were hanging out as, nothing more, nothing less. The truth is, I let to many people into our business. I talked to my friends about everything that took place between he and I. If he did something to piss me off, I talked to them first before I talked to him. At the time I didn't think that what I did was wrong compared to the flirting he supposedly did (turns out he wasn't).

 

After the disagreement, I apologized for everything I did, but at the same time I either made excuses or made the it seem like he was wrong for feeling what he was feeling. I would try to call him several times (not everyday) to make up for my mistakes, but he never responded. I kept making the same mistake over and over agin by getting friends involved and even trying to get them to help me set things right. It got to the point where he said that I was smothering him and he basically hated me for always being around him. I was hurt and angry for what <i>he</i> did to <i>me</i>. I began blaming him for everything that took place between us, and made myself out to be 100% innocent. I sought validation from friends, family and message boards to back up my claim, and 99% of time, most people sided with me. But, no matter how much validation I had, I still felt like I was in then the wrong. I see him everyday at school and things between us are so strained.

 

Recently, I decided that I would participate in lent for 40 days and give up red meats and sweets. I did this because I wanted not only things to better for family, I wanted to be a better person in general. I also wanted a chance to set things right with this guy I sincerely care about. Well during this time of lent, I begin to re-evaluate things about myself and the relationship. I realized I was the main cause for our demise. The reason he acted the way he did towards me wasn't because he was a jerk. It was because I didn't think what I did was wrong and that I didn't understand why he was hurt. My constant calling and getting other folks involved didn't help matters. After realizing this, I feel like I am a loser and awful person for the way I handled things. I didn't mean to cause him pain, but I did. I always thought of myself as a nice and repectful person with a good heart, but I didn't respect him like I thought I did. I didn't consider myself a talkative person, because at my previous school I kept to myself. When I got to my current school, I opened up much more because it was a smaller setting. I got people involed in the pass, because I wanted to make sure I did the right thing reguarding this guy (i'm haven't had many long term relatatioships, those people I would talk to did). I feel horrible for being selfish.

 

Now I want a second chance to say I am sorry for my actions, this time admitting the wrong I did and not blaming him for misintepreting my action. I want a friendship back with this guy and possible more. I can't describe what I feel for him, because I never cared for a guy the way cared for anyone every dated before, and I only dated him for 2 months. I think about him on a constant basis. I stopped the talking. I was took much off a chicken to approach him myself sometimes. I see him everyday and I want to set things right.

 

Please tell me the right approach to how I should go about apologizing to him this second time. I have realized the error of my ways and has really wroked on changing myself. Eventhough he speaks to me more that he did in the pass, I fear that it is too late and that too much time has passed. I just want to do the right thing. Please help me.

[sportsloving]

I want a friendship back with this guy and possible more. I can't describe what I feel for him, because I never cared for a guy the way cared for anyone every dated before, and I only dated him for 2 months

 

If you want to apologize for your previous behavior... by all means do it. Do it because it is the right thing for you to do and the right thing to say, not because you want him back or expect anything other than for him to hear you out.

 

Do not expect that saying "I am sorry I was a smuck to you" is going to make him fall on his knees and want to get back together. As you said, it was only two months and you shared more with your friends than you did with him, you accused him of flirting (even though he wasn't) and then blamed him for all the failings of the relationship. That is a lot to dish on a person.

 

After the disagreement, I apologized for everything I did, but at the same time I either made excuses or made the it seem like he was wrong for feeling what he was feeling.

 

You might try an apology that actually comes from your heart and not based on placing blame on anyone ... unless you are willing to take your share of the responsibility. And you have to be open to the chance that he won't listen or believe you... so say you are sorry and let it go.

 

Best of Luck