LC Journal by mm4

[marqueemoon4]

There, You got it.

It would seem that you are one of those real lucky folk that learn the hard way, me too.

 

i mentioned my conclusion about what happened.... she validated it. it would be nice if taking all that time to figure it out meant something to her, but it doesn't appear to. I don't think alot of people would admit these things to themselves. I still think I deserve another chance to have my family back some day, probably not going to happen. I hate that it took all this to realize. I wish she understood that there was no way I could've seen this while I was right in the middle of it. She wasn't perfect by a longshot, but she doesn't care enough to piece together what she did wrong. Oh well.

[dreamingoftigers]

i mentioned my conclusion about what happened.... she validated it. it would be nice if taking all that time to figure it out meant something to her, but it doesn't appear to. I don't think alot of people would admit these things to themselves. I still think I deserve another chance to have my family back some day, probably not going to happen. I hate that it took all this to realize. I wish she understood that there was no way I could've seen this while I was right in the middle of it. She wasn't perfect by a longshot, but she doesn't care enough to piece together what she did wrong. Oh well.

 

She will eventually but it may take a long fall down.

[marqueemoon4]

She will eventually but it may take a long fall down.

 

right.. and thats not likely. this bridge has been burned from both sides, moreso by me. i underestimated a lot of things about her, mainly her ability to leave and never look back. she wants me to be ok with this whole divorce thing like she is, but I never will be.

[Denillad]

right.. and thats not likely. this bridge has been burned from both sides, moreso by me. i underestimated a lot of things about her, mainly her ability to leave and never look back. she wants me to be ok with this whole divorce thing like she is, but I never will be.

 

Your journal says all that I'm going n went through. The only exception is we have no kids together. She can move on from ur relationship but not from you as you will always be the father of her child. Never say never but u need to heal right now just as many of us do.

I'm glad u've really seen your 100% responsibility in the distruction of the relationship and u are acknowledging it to your self and that's important. She has to do the same as well(her 100%). You have to forgive her and forgive yourself too. We all make mistakes, I too underestimated my ex's ability to walk away from our relationship, he tried at some point. It's not easy for me right now too cause Ive been stuck hoping for a second chance at it and I have accept that it will not happen and he moved on with someone else. It's the hardest thing I have experienced in my life so far. I feel your pain and struggle now. Ive felt the same things u are feeling and they hurt like hell. I didn't want to wake up 2 days ago. We have to be strong and focus, we will get to a better place if we try hard enough.

Edited February 4, 2011 by Denillad

[marqueemoon4]

Your journal says all that I'm going n went through. The only exception is we have no kids together. She can move on from ur relationship but not from you as you will always be the father of her child. Never say never but u need to heal right now just as many of us do.

I'm glad u've really seen your 100% responsibility in the distruction of the relationship and u are acknowledging it to your self and that's important. She has to do the same as well(her 100%). You have to forgive her and forgive yourself too. We all make mistakes, I too underestimated my ex's ability to walk away from our relationship, he tried at some point. It's not easy for me right now too cause Ive been stuck hoping for a second chance at it and I have accept that it will not happen and he moved on with someone else. It's the hardest thing I have experienced in my life so far. I feel your pain and struggle now. Ive felt the same things u are feeling and they hurt like hell. I didn't want to wake up 2 days ago. We have to be strong and focus, we will get to a better place if we try hard enough.

 

Were you married? I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Its so hard to have to accept something you don't have any control over, especially when you thought you did in the past. As I mentioned numerous times she used to be the one who cared way more than me, and eventually she turned the tables on me. She set everything up for her departure unbeknownst to me, and then realized "hey I don't need him after all". I realized the complete opposite.

 

I guess I'll get used to things the way they are now.. but right now I really hate it. I can't stand how she is so indifferent to me, but I'm not letting her devalue me anymore. I know how much I have to offer to the right person, and apparently she isn't the right one.

 

We'll both love again, it make take some time but it will happen. Keep your chin up!

[Denillad]

Yes we were married, I filed the divorce 2 months ago it's been painful for me. I absolutely relate, he tried way harder than I did when we argued but I was very critical and hurtful. I see that now but not then. I though he loved me way more than I did but in the end tables have turn. I feel u in all ur posts. She has to evolved, she is doing what she " thinks " is best for her, so u have to accept that but forgive yourself and do what best for u and your child. If she throws u crumbs, don't take and cause I'm sure u aren't doing that. Im taking this day by day.

[marqueemoon4]

This is embarrassing, but if anyone questions whether NC/LC is the best course of action here is a txt conversation from yesterday. Yea, I f-ed up:

 

me: tell me this, are we going to be able to sit down and discuss things in a mature manner?

 

her: did it ever occur to you that when I'm ready to talk to you I will? And you texting me constantly ( I hadnt txt her since monday) is completely off putting not to mention obnoxious.

 

Keep in mind she hasn't talked to me about anything about our son for 6mos. This is the same woman who cut her mother off for 6mos for "betraying her".

[dreamingoftigers]

MM4,

 

It looks like I will be leaving my husband. I cannot live like this anymore. I strongly suspect that he will emotionally react in a very similar way to you, what is the best way to handle it to minimize his pain?

[marqueemoon4]

MM4,

 

It looks like I will be leaving my husband. I cannot live like this anymore. I strongly suspect that he will emotionally react in a very similar way to you, what is the best way to handle it to minimize his pain?

 

Oh no.. I'm sorry you've gotten to this point. I guess it all comes down to how he really feels for you, and whether you have explored EVERY avenue to save things between you. If you have, and he hasn't responded to it at all then he really has no one to blame but himself. I mean, if you really leave are you prepared to never come back? Do you still love him and do you think he has the capacity to make positive change? Maybe instead of completely burning the bridge you could separate for a few months and see how things go?

 

I can say that most men hate not having any say in what happens to them, especially if it causes great pain. I wish to God my wife had said something like "I am leaving with our son until you get some IC so you can control your emotions better and treat me with the respect I deserve. I am going to work on myself as well. If you don't do this, I am not coming back, ever". I know I would've responded to this. I still feel that neither of us put much effort into working out our issues, unfortunately now too much drama and bad things have occurred in her eyes.

 

Less than a month after she left we met for dinner to talk about things. I thought it was going to be a positive, but it wasn't. She told me she thought we were on different levels, different stages of our lives. She was trying to convince me I should want to split with her, but I didn't feel the same. We went for a walk and sat on a bench in a historic park. It was a beautiful summer night. She looked at me and said "I'll never feel the same way about you, and there is nothing you can do or say to change that." I felt like I had just been hit over the head with a sledgehammer. I remember staggering around trying to comprehend what I was just told. I felt completely helpless. I never thought she would take things completely out of my hands but she did.

 

So, back to your situation.. it ultimately comes down to what YOU want. If you believe your marriage is beyond repair you need to leave. Obviously what is going on now at your home is not working, and there needs to be a change. I don't know what the laws are in Canada, but if you leave could he claim abandonment? I think the best course of action would be to sit down with him and explain that you feel things have deteriorated to a point that you feel its time for you to leave. By now you've given him numerous clear ultimatums and nothing has changed, correct?

[marqueemoon4]

Drama at 6pm handoff last night. long story, i really don't feel like typing it out. This person will not give a centimeter, will fight me on every possible thing to get her way, and anything I say she'll twist it to make me look bad and totally use it against me. This person is truly the enemy. I think I can talk my way out of her treating me like this? YOU CAN'T. You think you can talk her into being reasonable? YOU CAN'T.

 

She said sh*tty things to you on the phone last night. Why? Because you opened yourself up to it. She despises me, I disgust her, and she can't even look at me. Ok. Said I'm crazy. Really? Your behavior is normal? Its totally not, but me trying to change her behavior IS crazy cause its not gonna happen. Not with time, not with reason, nothing. I can't deal with this, I almost had a nervous breakdown last night. How can I let her affect me like this?

Edited February 7, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

Drama at 6pm handoff last night. long story, i really don't feel like typing it out. This person will not give a centimeter, will fight me on every possible thing to get her way, and anything I say she'll twist it to make me look bad and totally use it against me. This person is truly the enemy. I think I can talk my way out of her treating me like this? YOU CAN'T. You think you can talk her into being reasonable? YOU CAN'T.

 

She said sh*tty things to you on the phone last night. Why? Because you opened yourself up to it. She despises me, I disgust her, and she can't even look at me. Ok. Said I'm crazy. Really? Your behavior is normal? Its totally not, but me trying to change her behavior IS crazy cause its not gonna happen. Not with time, not with reason, nothing. I can't deal with this, I almost had a nervous breakdown last night. How can I let her affect me like this?

 

 

Take a look at The Dance of Anger, it is written somewhat for women BUT it gives insights such as realizing that whatever changes you want to make for yourself are going to be fought against because she is going to want you to be occupying the same role in her life. It's push to change and then push back to the old way.

[marqueemoon4]

Take a look at The Dance of Anger, it is written somewhat for women BUT it gives insights such as realizing that whatever changes you want to make for yourself are going to be fought against because she is going to want you to be occupying the same role in her life. It's push to change and then push back to the old way.

 

well.. i hadn't said anything for 4 days while I had my son. She asked some questions and I responded with "yes" "no" etc. Then an argument at the handoff last night. She is trying to control me and holds all the cards and I walk right into her traps and get upset. She knows exactly how to make me insane, and I totally let her. I have no idea why. My internals are saying don't lets person disrespect you like this so I react instead of just letting it roll off my back. I don't seem to learn.

 

 

ps- how are things on your home front?

[dreamingoftigers]

well.. i hadn't said anything for 4 days while I had my son. She asked some questions and I responded with "yes" "no" etc. Then an argument at the handoff last night. She is trying to control me and holds all the cards and I walk right into her traps and get upset. She knows exactly how to make me insane, and I totally let her. I have no idea why. My internals are saying don't lets person disrespect you like this so I react instead of just letting it roll off my back. I don't seem to learn.

 

 

ps- how are things on your home front?

 

Things on my home front have cooled off a bit. We both are not good with change. I am working on curbing my overfunctioning behaviour (i.e. being the one to chase down the relationship every day). I keep ready to go when the line gets crossed, but the tension is pretty far gone.

 

One of the posters here mentioned how letting my H treat me the way he does is not healthy for my daughter. I knew this. I know this, I just couldn't make the connection because I never wanted to split them up. My father was not loving towards me so I never wanted to have to take my daughter away from a father that clearly loves her. But yes, I had to make the point beyond clear and made arrangements for a place to stay. I will not have my daughter grow up in an emotionally unsafe place anymore then I will allow her to grow up in a physically unsafe place. She's cute

 

I have learned from watching myself over the last while that I have a certain set of "triggers" and that if I don't acknowledge them I sort of "tip over." Through EMDR, medication and some meditation I have learned a bit about what is going on with me physically and emotionally when I am about to "tip over." ("Tip over" is my saying but you are allowed to use it ). Try to see if there is tension going on, if there is try to space out your reactions. Give yourself 5 seconds if you feel tension between you and someone else. The 5 seconds doesn't actually make you seem slow, it makes you seem thoughtful.

 

She's still testing you and pushing and pulling you. Dont' kid yourself, you are returning the favor. Victims are seldom completely victims. You are probably making changes that fall outside her perception of you, and now she has turned up the heat a little to push you back into place.

 

Your fear of being disrespected has given her permission to do so.

 

Would you be so wound up if an employee at McDonald's disrespected you? Dumped your fries out maybe? You might be, depending on how easiy triggered you were. But you would realize that maybe the guy had some issues. You'd probably walk away thinking it was nuts and a good story around the water cooler, but in the end you would simply realize that the guy was more creating a situation that was way out of line.

 

It's harder when it is personal, you see it as something having to do with you, instead of that person's character. You can even tell that when you let her behaviour influence you, that she gets more control of you.

 

You can't take responsibility for her behaviour and at this point what she does is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of what she wants you to be, consciously or not. She wants you to be a jack-ass so she treats you like a jack-ass, you respond like one, you lose control by trying to control her "disrespecting" behaviour.

 

You have to decide what is more important: trying to control her behaviour through unhealthy means, or being successful at controlling your own behaviour.

 

You decide what will be more successful.

 

You let her do it because it is the last part of the dance you have together. It shows interest, it shows passion. It has also destroyed the rest of that relationship.

 

I'd rather dance with someone a little more fun.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm glad things have calmed down at your home... I guess being prepared for the worst is a good thing. You also don't seem like you have all your emotional eggs in one basket, and that will help in case you do need to take action. btw your daughter IS cute

 

Yes, all my actions since May have done nothing but validate that she had every right to leave, and I'm emotionally unstable. Would I be this way if she hadn't treated me this way, I really don't think so. Would I have taken a long look at my behavior if this hadn't happened? Probably not. Do I like the way she handled it? No, I really hate it but its done and there is nothing I can do about it. There is no pull going on here.. only push. She wants me out of her life, and if I cross the incredibly rigid boundaries set by her she will go as far as trying to take our son away, and again will come off looking like she had no other choice. I feel boxed in emotionally, and helpless. The BEST thing I could've done when she left would've have been NOTHING, but I got scared and put up a fight that just made everything much worse.

 

As far as being triggered into reactionary behavior, in every day life with people that are of no importance to me, it isn't a problem at all. I go with the flow as much as possible and do my best to be respectful and kind to others. I'm not that guy that flies off the handle over little things at all. But for some reason I subconsciously CHOOSE to let her have control of me. She did the same with me when the roles were reversed before our son was born, and sadly I may have LEARNED some of this behavior from her. I thought I was stronger than that, but I guess not.

 

I don't know.. only thing I can do at this point is try to heal via NC and jump through all the hoops that have been set up for me.

[marqueemoon4]

day 3 of NC. I have to see her tomorrow to pick up my son. I am really, really starting to hate her, so much my stomach hurts. I'm sure she has some new boyfriend, good for her. I hate her for rewriting our history. I hate her for betraying me and scheming behind my back. I hate her dishonesty. I hate her deception. I hate I ever met her. I hate that a took a huge risk dating someone so much younger than me and it blew up in my face. I hate how she says she wasted her time with me, EXACTLY WHAT DID I GET OUT OF THE WHOLE THING? A son that you tried to take away from me? Some mediocre sex? You benefitted FAR more from meeting me than I you. I hate the trampy clothes she wears. I hate the fact she puts on 2lbs of makeup every day. I hate the fact she has no concept of empathy. I hate she has no concept of the word compassion. I hate that you're too immature and ignorant to even appreciate what I did for you. I hate the fact I spent tens of thousands of dollars on you and as usual got nothing in return. I hate the fact you think you're so hot.. honey you're nothing special. I hate that you are such a follower and can't do anything on your own. I hate your stupid job you think is soooooooo important but you can't even make enough to support yourself much less our son. I hate the fact you think USING people is an acceptable way to get ahead in the world.

 

 

f*ck you.

Edited February 9, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

day 3 of NC. I have to see her tomorrow to pick up my son. I am really, really starting to hate her, so much my stomach hurts. I'm sure she has some new boyfriend, good for her. I hate her for rewriting our history. I hate her for betraying me and scheming behind my back. I hate her dishonesty. I hate her deception. I hate I ever met her. I hate that a took a huge risk dating someone so much younger than me and it blew up in my face. I hate how she says she wasted her time with me, EXACTLY WHAT DID I GET OUT OF THE WHOLE THING? A son that you tried to take away from me? Some mediocre sex? You benefitted FAR more from meeting me than I you. I hate the trampy clothes she wears. I hate the fact she puts on 2lbs of makeup every day. I hate the fact she has no concept of empathy. I hate she has no concept of the word compassion. I hate that you're too immature and ignorant to even appreciate what I did for you. I hate the fact I spent tens of thousands of dollars on you and as usual got nothing in return. I hate the fact you think you're so hot.. honey you're

nothing special. I hate that you are such a follower and can't do anything on your own. I hate your stupid job you think is soooooooo important but you can't even make enough to support yourself much less our son. I hate the fact you think USING people is an acceptable way to get ahead in the world.

 

 

f*ck you.

 

Welcome to Stage 2: Anger.

 

Well now you have been given quite an opportunity here: you can actually see the blaming etc. articulated. This is probably the dude that she left and couldn't accept. This isn't ms judging, I can't say that I would be any more charitable, but it may be something to consider. Like you, she's flawed and gas selfish tendencies.

 

Now that you know what triggers you into being so pissed off you can do Sind serious self- work to rise above it. If you think about it, it would be pretty tremendous and character-building to get through this amount if "stuff." you chances of peace would be much greater then if your relationship had remained intact and volatile. You still have a great chance to be role model of someone at peace for your son if you plow through this without letting bitterness, anger or apathy eat you alive.

 

I know that anger on a first name basis since my husband started tossing away us as a family two years ago. It is an entirely different experience to slowly start making your way past it when you realize that bathing yourself in it just doesn't cleanse you as much as you hoped it would.

 

Since you can also see some of the factors in her character (and in yours) that lead to the collapse of your relationship, you now know a little better what to look for when you heal some more. MM4, you actually strike me as the rare type of guy that may come out of this situation with something most guys don't: a clue. I think that many in your circumstance either get mad, bitter, or try to boink the next 19 year old they trip into and start the cycle all over again.

 

I have become rather non-reactive in my M as of late. The Dance of Anger showed me a lot of that. Things have shifted already in 3 days. Once you can take it or leave it because you are confident in yourself, then the dynamic shifts. In my case my H is going very overreactive, he is constantly trying to pin down my mood, claim what he thinks is on my mind and has even accused me if sneaking up on him! Weird because I have been mostly just sticking to my own thoughts and leaving him to be with his. He says that I think all of this horrible stuff about him and I now refuse to validate it by agreeing or going on the defensive. I simply tell him that if I have something to share with him, I will. He doesn't have a clue what to do with it. It is threatening to him because it is far off his template for how things are. I am going to stick with it until he calms down. I know he is going to test the He'll out if me.

 

Sound familiar? You may be split up but she hasn't actually dealt with her stuff in regards to this. Has she even set one proper boundary? Or is it all cold shoulder or reactionary?

[marqueemoon4]

You mean before she left? No, she set NO boundaries. She was a complete pushover and never stood up for herself. Once she left she set a ridiculously rigid boundary of I don't want to talk about us at all, only about our son. Thats it. The only time she reacts is when I try and cross that boundary and try and reason with her or tell her things have changed. She doesn't want to hear it.. apparently I'm standing in the way of her happiness. Oh well.

[dreamingoftigers]

See, just reactionary get-your-goat stuff. She isn't going to validate your existence as a human being so don't let it eat you alive.

 

Here's kind of how co-dependency has worked (IME):

 

Girl with low self-esteem hooks up with screwed-up/angry/controlling (insert character flaw here, essentially) kind of guy figuring: If he and I have not had that wonderful love connection then he will think that I am so special because I love him so easily. He doesn't have to work hard or jump through a bunch of hoops or be controlled by me, he just has to walk over this lowered bar to get to me, lucky him.

 

To this kind of girl the template for her is usually written that love is brutally hard to get. I am guessing her family isn't exactly super-functional either, probably a pretty reactive bunch, (if Timmy swears he gets yelled at or ignored or the rest of the night kind of thing).

 

So what this girl does is give you what looks to be a "gift": lots and lots of attention, affection, loyalty, time and availability. All for "free" or "low cost."

 

Now you being guy with some kind of character flaw usually sees: if she's willing to give all of that, what else can I get away with? Usually impulse control goes a little wonky.

 

Not only that but you fail to realize what isn't spoken: all of that loving etc. is not a "gift" it is a "loan." Co-dependent lovers are the ultimate high interest credit card. Every time you cross a little boundary or fail to love her "with interest" she racks it up on the debt that you already owe her.

 

In the end she expects it to all balance out: didn't she give you that love and affection (no questions asked) when you seemed to need it the most? So that should mean that she is going to get a hefty return. Right?

 

Especially if you took advantage or lost your temper or acted out of line, all of that goes on the accumulated debt and interest.

 

Eventually she realizes that not only are you not repaying the loan, but even that it might be impossible. It probably doesn't help that you don't realize it even is a loan to begin with. You can't figure out why someone so giving in the beginning is being so demanding now.

 

The reason the debt is getting called in now is that she was looking at emotional bankruptcy. She was getting exhausted giving out above and beyond what she should have emotionally. She realized that her own account was getting emptied with not enough return coming in (you didn't realize that you were supposed to be paying with interest).

 

If she couldn't have gotten the interest etc. within the relationship, she will refill her emotional state by making steps to push you into reactivity and insanity. Basically if she couldn't make you love her the way she wanted you to in the relationship, she'll drain those emotions right back out of you by making you crazy or hurting you as much as she can (while protecting her own investments.)

 

Have you ever been a victim of a marketing scheme, you know the kind of thing like: try this FREE today, or NO PAYMENTS FOR A WHOLE YEAR. Anyone who is cynical knows that those companies have a latch, they are expecting something back. The interest is accumulating or something.

 

Relationships are the same way. If you are looking for a woman, you want to make sure that she is more of a savings account with investments instead of a high-interest credit card.

 

She gives herself a certain percentage (meets her own needs first) before investing in you.

[marqueemoon4]

omfg this may be one of the most insightful things I've ever read. I really think you nailed it! Like I mentioned in the past, I never felt like I got 100% of her.. for whatever reason. Didn't matter if I gave her tons of attention, affection etc. Maybe she was still holding grudges from the past? I have no idea. She did say that she had a WALL UP AGAINST ME ON THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED. Talk about starting out at a disadvantage. She said she married me because "she thought I'd be nicer". She also told the therapist that she hadn't been happy with us since when she was pregnant with our son which would've been 2006 pretty much. 4 years earlier!!!

 

Also as I've mentioned when our son was born it became ALL ABOUT HIM. Understandable for awhile when he was a newborn, but she kept putting more and more of herself into him. She always talked about this hierarchy of relationship importance but of course she didn't follow it (cause I was MEAN to her).

 

1. Spouse

2. Child/Children

3. Immediate Family

4. Friends

 

I was "mean" to her because I resented her being unable to give me any love, affection or anything else for that matter. I felt trapped because I tried so hard to do things for her, be there for her, and help her out but it was never reciprocated. She treated intimacy like it was an unsavory part of her "job" description. I always had to instigate it or it wouldn't happen. It made me feel like I was being used, and possibly I was.

Edited February 10, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

ugh, now its crossed my mind that I should ask her if she meant all those awful things she said sunday when I see her tonite. STUPID IDEA. Who the F cares??

[dreamingoftigers]

ugh, now its crossed my mind that I should ask her if she meant all those awful things she said sunday when I see her tonite. STUPID IDEA. Who the F cares??

 

Well, you do apparently, and it also seems to mess up your week.

 

Her validation or demonizing messes us your whole week and that really pisses you off, right?

 

Do you know what that means? A good portion if your mood is dependent on her validation. You are dependent on her validation. She knows this (consciously or not) and you have both been dancing around it for years. Usually why guys get involved with women who have low self-esteems to begin with. They want to be her hero, they want to help her feel better. So you both want to help each other. You figure your very relational presence makes her do happy ( hey she must be happy, she gives so much, right?) It also gives her purpose and focus, right? Win-win, right?

 

Wrong. Nothing comes for free in relationships. It is all a series of long and short-term contracts and investments. Never ever take anything for granted. Don't give back double, bur also don't loan out if effort that you can't live without getting back. Don't take an otherwise high-risk investment with someone unless they have a proven track record with you.

 

Right now you are STILL investing in trying to receive validation from someone who used to pay out in the past. Thst particular account us empty. The problem is that she us trying to fill her own validation account by having your dependent behaviors completely reinforce her template of you. She will push until she gets the reaction she wants: you either overfunctioning (begging, needy, or raging etc) or underfunctioning (completely ignoring her). Reasoning or taking responsibility does not fit her agenda.

 

But enough about her, what about you?

 

What are you going to do to release yourself from this validation dependence? Or is this your way of still having a relationship?

 

Since you can't control whether or not she validates you.

[marqueemoon4]

ok, if she's pushing me to be needy, nuts, pleading, or indifferent, what else is there? Be nice to her? Not going to happen. For what she's done to me, we'll never be anything again, not friends--- nothing. My hope is I see her as invisible, don't have to speak a word to her, and see her as little as humanly possible. she is dead to me. thats the way its going to be. f her.

[marqueemoon4]

this is a regression to stage 2... I don't know how to deal with this any other way right now. i'm just emotionally worn out.

[marqueemoon4]

just dropped my son off, won't see him until thursday. i tried to briefly speak to her, she said not in front of our son I've had a long day I want to get home and sped off. i'll never understand how someone can be so cold, YES I shouldn't be surprised but I'll never understand. if she was in pain every day and I treated her like this it would kill her, I know it.

[marqueemoon4]

A weekend without my son... these are the hardest. NC and endure the pain. You're making a fool of yourself, you're not getting anything from her, nothing. You knew she had the capability of moving on and never looking back, you just didn't care when she left. Now you're reaped what you sewed, so accept it. Nothing you can do is going to bring her back, and while the emptiness and pain you feel now seems unbearable, there will be a time when it no longer affects you. This isn't her fault its MY fault.... am I doomed to make the same mistakes over and over? I pray this nightmare has been enough of a wakeup call to learn.