Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Share Posted April 11, 2011 Well, over the weekend I reconnected with one of my best friends from the past I hadn't talked to in probably 5yrs. He invited me over to his house and we had a looooong discussion about things over a few beers. He's very intelligent, calm, and had a ton of good advice that really sank in. He has the same mentality hard coded in him-- the whole ok you're gonna f me over then right back at ya, but as a third party looking objectively he knows this is just a big game and that will do nothing but sabotage my happiness in the future and give her all the power. He has a few friends who have been fighting a similar thing and have really gotten screwed over for different reasons and he doesn't want to see the same happen to me. Going forward its all business, smile on the face, nothing bothers me, focus on my son and myself (again). It may be too late but its all I can do right now. I now see that she will go to any length to get what she wants and maintain control of our son and over the situation. I need to start getting tactical and execute a game plan. This isn't emotional anymore, its purely adversarial. Back to the issue of my son, as mentioned before every time I try to talk to her about him she pulls the "not in front of him" trick and is gone. I offered (via text) the idea about discussing issues regarding him with a therapist so there would be a comfort level on both sides. I got no response. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Share Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) stumbled across this... eerily familiar Adverse Impact on the Targets What happens to people who are victims of BPD distortion campaigns? Here are some of the examples of the results: They are alienated from their family and friends (CHECK)They lose contact with their children for months or even years (God I hope not)They lose their jobs (Close, but I'm hanging in there)They spend tens of thousands of dollars or more fighting false accusations of the BP attacking them (likely will happen)They have restraining orders placed upon them based upon false accusations (uh huh)They end up in jail or prison due to false accusations (i hope not)They develop severe mental illnesses, including depression, anxiety disorders, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and others (CHECK)Some commit suicide (not gonna happen) Edited April 11, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Everyone on here thinks that their ex is BPD/NPD. many people just have some if tendencies of it. I doing your wife is unless she went compulsively suicidal/self-injuring after you two split. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Share Posted April 11, 2011 Everyone on here thinks that their ex is BPD/NPD. many people just have some if tendencies of it. I doing your wife is unless she went compulsively suicidal/self-injuring after you two split. I agree... she probably isn't full on BPD, but she has a lot of the symptoms. I have some symptoms too, I'm not trying to ruin her life though. Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 MM4, sorry to hear that things have got to this stage, it's an exremely frustrating situation to be in and you are very angry, and it's probably well justified but it's not going to look good in any court case where the 'fact's and not the whole situation is all that's presented. Furthermore she's trying to make you out to have an anger problem and is exaggerating every event, don't give her any more ammunition. I agree with Dreamingoftigers, you need to de-escalate this situation very fast and would suggest absolute minimal LC for a while. If you can get a relative or friend to make the pick-up for a couple of weeks until this blows over it would be helpfull. She can make your life a living hell if you play into her hands and give her more ammunition, don't do it. Also I know you're extremely worried about your child and want to find out everything that's going on in his life. She's not giving you anything, she's in a position of power and will just throw you crumbs every now and then, so don't ask her anything about him for a while. See if that changes things. It wasn't clear from the texts if you could pick him up thurs, your text said 'thursdays' (general). So maybe just send her a text the day before the next thurs asking what time you're picking him up. I'd also suggest you try and contact the cop that called to your house and ask him for a report. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 MM4, sorry to hear that things have got to this stage, it's an exremely frustrating situation to be in and you are very angry, and it's probably well justified but it's not going to look good in any court case where the 'fact's and not the whole situation is all that's presented. Furthermore she's trying to make you out to have an anger problem and is exaggerating every event, don't give her any more ammunition. I agree with Dreamingoftigers, you need to de-escalate this situation very fast and would suggest absolute minimal LC for a while. If you can get a relative or friend to make the pick-up for a couple of weeks until this blows over it would be helpfull. She can make your life a living hell if you play into her hands and give her more ammunition, don't do it. Also I know you're extremely worried about your child and want to find out everything that's going on in his life. She's not giving you anything, she's in a position of power and will just throw you crumbs every now and then, so don't ask her anything about him for a while. See if that changes things. It wasn't clear from the texts if you could pick him up thurs, your text said 'thursdays' (general). So maybe just send her a text the day before the next thurs asking what time you're picking him up. I'd also suggest you try and contact the cop that called to your house and ask him for a report. I agree with all points... this has gotten to a dangerous level.. I'm not contacting her at all and hoping she is not having my son stay at the OM place. I will honor what I said about meeting her at 5:30pm thursdays at the convenient location for her. I will be cheerful and cooperative as humanly possible going forward. Going to request a copy of that report today. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Apology dude, it will totally disarm her. People get shocked by that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Apology dude, it will totally disarm her. People get shocked by that. she usually ignores my apologies.. she's an untrusting person in general. I'll try though. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 she usually ignores my apologies.. she's an untrusting person in general. I'll try though. Caution though: if you apologize and she shrugs & metaphorically spits it back in your eye, DO NOT REACT. My wife is famous for doing stuff like that. She will toss your apology back, I will react, and then she replies that she's justified in not accepting my apology because of my reaction. It can be a terrible, terrible trap. Please keep this tucked in your brain if you go this route. p.s. ironically, my wife is not an apologizer. At all. Maybe if she does something innocuous like accidentally burn the toast. Otherwise, nope. Makes me wonder why I want her still. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Caution though: if you apologize and she shrugs & metaphorically spits it back in your eye, DO NOT REACT. My wife is famous for doing stuff like that. She will toss your apology back, I will react, and then she replies that she's justified in not accepting my apology because of my reaction. It can be a terrible, terrible trap. Please keep this tucked in your brain if you go this route. p.s. ironically, my wife is not an apologizer. At all. Maybe if she does something innocuous like accidentally burn the toast. Otherwise, nope. Makes me wonder why I want her still. Here's a script: You say: "I truly apologize for suggesting that you weren't a good Mom, it was a really unfair thing to say and I do think that you are an excellent Mom." She says:"you only said that because (insert negative motivation here)" You say: well I guess I can understand why you might think that but I can't convince you otherwise either and really (shrug) everyone is entitled to their opinion." Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Here's a script: You say: "I truly apologize for suggesting that you weren't a good Mom, it was a really unfair thing to say and I do think that you are an excellent Mom." She says:"you only said that because (insert negative motivation here)" You say: well I guess I can understand why you might think that but I can't convince you otherwise either and really (shrug) everyone is entitled to their opinion." right... I DO think she is a good mom as far as day to day care of our son. She is very responsible with him, no question. Where I think she is a BAD mom imho is the whole OM thing and having him stay at the dudes place, breaking our family apart with no interest in working on anything, and the possibility that she MAY be trying to alienate our son from me. And accusing me of saying things I absolutely did not say to tarnish my character. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) Caution though: if you apologize and she shrugs & metaphorically spits it back in your eye, DO NOT REACT. My wife is famous for doing stuff like that. She will toss your apology back, I will react, and then she replies that she's justified in not accepting my apology because of my reaction. It can be a terrible, terrible trap. Please keep this tucked in your brain if you go this route. p.s. ironically, my wife is not an apologizer. At all. Maybe if she does something innocuous like accidentally burn the toast. Otherwise, nope. Makes me wonder why I want her still. this is a bs game some women play and it makes me insane... like her comment that my anger management isn't working.. so, apparently she can do whatever she wants, test me over and over again, push every button I have, and if I slip at all its just not working. I'm sorry, but thats not normal life. In my every day life it takes ALOT to make me angry. Only thing I'm angry about right now is what this situation has done to me, my son, my family, my finances, and people who care about me. Edited April 12, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 As far as an apology, would it be a bad idea to txt one to her like tonite or tomorrow? Would that be giving my power away again? Keep in mind I probably won't get an opportunity when I pick up my son on thursday night. Advice pleeeeease! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 As far as an apology, would it be a bad idea to txt one to her like tonite or tomorrow? Would that be giving my power away again? Keep in mind I probably won't get an opportunity when I pick up my son on thursday night. Advice pleeeeease! i decided just doing nothing is the best thing right now, and if she asks when I'm picking up our son I will politely tell her I'll be there at 5:30pm at the convenient spot for her. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 One bit of advice: I think it's helpful to begin/create a paper trail which reflects a POSITIVE, EVEN-KEEL side of you. So whatever proposals or apologies you make, make sure they're in writing so that in the future it's ON THE RECORD. You don't want her "he said/she said" version of things to bite you in the ass. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 As far as an apology, would it be a bad idea to txt one to her like tonite or tomorrow? Would that be giving my power away again? Keep in mind I probably won't get an opportunity when I pick up my son on thursday night. Advice pleeeeease! I think that texting it would be a good idea but if you do that keep the " I think you are a good mom" part out because that might be a part of child custody, if you are admitting that you think age is a good mom then whomever might say: " well even you think that age is a good parent." Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 yea I'm not initiating any contact anymore.. if she asks tomorrow when/where the dropoff will be i'll be polite and thats it. i need to really heal from this and stop shooting myself in the foot. Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 You're doing great MM4, this is a very very tough situation which can drive many men over the edge. The fact that you're able to stand back and try to be rational about it means that you have a lot of inner strength. Now you don't want the police, courts or the plethora of agencies out there involved in your family or assessing your ability to be a parent. They are not your friends. So it's much better to try and deal with your ex than go down that route. She's holding the power at the moment and there's not much you can do about it for now except continue with minimal LC. I know it's probably frustrating to think that another man has more contact with your child while you're paying the bills. He's not your sons father, you are, and he's not going to love your child the way you do. Furthermore he may be just a rebound who will be kicked out in a few weeks/months. The only thing you can do for now is to have the best time possible with your son and try to keep him in contact with your family. As a father you are an invaluable part of your sons growth. Trust me I've seen countless teenagers who've grown up without a father to teach them, discipline them and be a role model for them. A mother can't provide these things for a boy, that's your job. Boys absolutely need that from their fathers and the older they get the more they need it. He's young right now so he still needs the nurturing side from his mother. Anyway this is just a bit of longterm projection and something to think about. For now all you can do is try and cope with the everyday situation without giving her any more ammunition. This is not easy, it's like being continuously kicked and then told there's something wrong with you when you react. I think you're supposed to say "oh dear, that kick in the groin hurt but here's another 100 to pay for the dent on your shoe". Anyway you're doing great and you can use this forum to vent, keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 You might have to get her a matching purse to go with those shoes Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Share Posted April 15, 2011 oh she has at least 10 purses and over 50 pairs of shoes.. pretty sure thats what she uses her support check for. NXS and DoT thanks for continuing support! I'm feeling better every day. Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) Oh you married Ivana Trump...... well you shoulda just said that. Edited April 15, 2011 by NXS Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Share Posted April 20, 2011 (edited) What I'm struggling with now is dealing with all the betrayal. I continue to expose more and more lies and am seeing exactly what my ex is. I am upset with myself for getting hoodwinked by someone so manipulative and phony, usually I'm spot on when it comes to judging peoples character, but she fooled me. Its almost like I shouldn't want to know the truth.. cause the truth continues to hurt me. But something inside me has to know.. I have to find a way to get over this. I feel such a major loss everyday I'm without my son, I miss being married, I miss having a life. She should feel a huge loss but feels nothing. Edited April 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Honestly the vast vast majority of people feel a loss when a relationship goes "thud." She probably grieved her loss on the way out the door or sometime last year, plus if she is feeling it, she is not going to expose that to you in any way. Once the switch gets flipped for us, we walk away very fast and don't look back. There is a chance that she is avoiding her feelings on the subject as well until everything is concluded. Sorry to hear that you are still suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Share Posted April 20, 2011 (edited) Honestly the vast vast majority of people feel a loss when a relationship goes "thud." She probably grieved her loss on the way out the door or sometime last year, plus if she is feeling it, she is not going to expose that to you in any way. Once the switch gets flipped for us, we walk away very fast and don't look back. There is a chance that she is avoiding her feelings on the subject as well until everything is concluded. Sorry to hear that you are still suffering. eh, I wouldn't call it suffering... I'm pretty much out of my depression, now I'm just trying to come to terms with just how bad she f-ed me over, and the after effects of all of it. I guess thats what I get for settling and marrying down a class (harsh, but sadly true) Edited April 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Dude, I am way down the social-class scale. It probably had more to do with either of you not understanding what it took to create a proper, healthy relationship dynamic. Once that knowledge is accrued, it increases your odds substantially. It just came way to late and with a partner that was very dysfunctional. Class wouldn't have been the major operational decider. And now... a bunny.... Link to post Share on other sites
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