LC Journal by mm4

[marqueemoon4]

Next time she violates the pickup agreement, take your son and go home.

 

hah, I wish I could.. unfortunately his psycho mother would probably call the police saying I kidnapped him.

[marqueemoon4]

I think I realized yesterday that my stbx has pretty much replaced me with this new guy and is going to try and have a family without me. I can't explain how painful the thought of that is.

[worldgonewrong]

I think I realized yesterday that my stbx has pretty much replaced me with this new guy and is going to try and have a family without me. I can't explain how painful the thought of that is.

 

Take comfort in the fact that this is going to blow up in her face.

She couldn't handle the relationship with you maturely, so there's

little chance she will with this new guy.

[cerridwen]

Marquee,

 

I've been following your story but admittedly, have not read every post in this thread so forgive me if I'm waaaay off base.

 

My general sense is at first, the breakup was difficult but you saw how you contributed to it.

You felt remorseful for how you neglected/verbally abused (?) your ex.

You accepted responsibility to a certain extent.

Then, there was a shift and you now seem to wholly vilify her.

 

Here are my questions:

Is she really a horrible person objectively?

Or does she only seem so because she's moved on and can't give you an inch lest you latch on and push for reconciliation?

Is she harsh towards you because of residual anger related your treatment of her?

If so, why isn't she entitled to that?

 

While it would be wonderful if for the sake of your son, she could forgive you and find satisfaction in the relationship, WHY is she not allowed to deem it irreversibly broken if in her heart, it is?

 

Best to you.

[marqueemoon4]

Marquee,

 

I've been following your story but admittedly, have not read every post in this thread so forgive me if I'm waaaay off base.

 

My general sense is at first, the breakup was difficult but you saw how you contributed to it.

You felt remorseful for how you neglected/verbally abused (?) your ex.

You accepted responsibility to a certain extent.

Then, there was a shift and you now seem to wholly vilify her.

 

Here are my questions:

Is she really a horrible person objectively?

Or does she only seem so because she's moved on and can't give you an inch lest you latch on and push for reconciliation?

Is she harsh towards you because of residual anger related your treatment of her?

If so, why isn't she entitled to that?

 

While it would be wonderful if for the sake of your son, she could forgive you and find satisfaction in the relationship, WHY is she not allowed to deem it irreversibly broken if in her heart, it is?

 

Best to you.

 

 

1. objectively, i consider people who are manipulative, cold and calculating to be "horrible". she is all of those things. also, shacking up with some guy and having my son live there 10mos after separation is pretty reprehensible if you ask me. i also think relationships to her are what she can get out of it, not what she can give. so overall, I think she's a pretty f*cked up individual.

 

2. she won't give me an inch because she has someone else who I'm almost positive has been in the picture since before she left. and no, showing some amount of human decency/compassion wouldn't be an open invitation to press her for reconciliation. i could never trust her again anyway, she's a pathological liar.

 

3. i'm sure she feels wronged and hey you know what? so do I. As if her treatment of me was so great. at the end of the day I gave way more than I got from her and ended up getting left for some other guy because I was angry/resentful about it. she obviously hadn't cared for me for a long time.

 

now, do I have my own issues? of course I do. have they been exposed to the world because of this nightmare? you betcha. did I make some pretty big mistakes over our marriage? absolutely. at least I'm in therapy and TRYING to improve myself as a person and a parent. seems to working too as my son constantly tells me he wants to stay with me all the time and doesn't want to see his mom (or her rebound)

[marqueemoon4]

ok, so the handoff last friday where my ex showed up, her mother talked to my dad, and as per her account me saying "what are you doing here" has turned into "what the f*ck are you doing here". Nevermind the fact her mom was 20 feet away in the car with the windows up and there is no way she could've heard a word I said. And then she claimed that I screamed out of the parking lot at a high rate of speed and its a miracle a terrible accident didn't happen. ok, I admit I drove out faster than i should, but again these people embellish EVERYTHING. It's absolutely sickening. This has happened time and again, and everytime it was my stbx doing it. Now, I admit that I'm still letting her get the best of me, why I don't know. I'm supposed to be an adult! I'm going to my therapist tonite, I really need to discuss this with her. I am failing miserably by always showing my emotions and its gonna doom me if this thing goes to court.

 

my dad, who is a very intelligent, level headed guy said he was upset because her mom was saying things like oh (my son) is just so confused and was insinuating it was somehow my fault. my dad was like, hmm no other reasons he'd be confused? of course her mother didn't let on at all that my ex and my son are LIVING WITH ANOTHER MAN. Like that wouldn't confuse him at all. these people are despicable.

[Denillad]

Mm ur goin through a difficult journey and you have every reason to be angry but I hope you find some peace in this madness. Don't give up on ur son but don't let this steal your joy. I see so much anger n resentment in ur posts and I hope u don't allow it to have the best of u for too long. Hang in there.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm sorry that anger and resentment resonate through this thread. At the end of the day I'm just really, really deeply hurt. I'm going to work on not letting that manifest itself into anger and resentment in therapy. My stomach has that sinking feeling this morning again, I can't wait for this to go away once and for all.

 

Oh also, my new therapist, after describing this entire ordeal to her yesterday, said she thinks my ex has borderline personallity disorder as well. I almost feel sorry for her new bf.

Edited March 16, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[cerridwen]

I'm sorry that anger and resentment resonate through this thread. At the end of the day I'm just really, really deeply hurt. I'm going to work on not letting that manifest itself into anger and resentment in therapy. My stomach has that sinking feeling this morning again, I can't wait for this to go away once and for all.

 

Oh also, my new therapist, after describing this entire ordeal to her yesterday, said she thinks my ex has borderline personallity disorder as well. I almost feel sorry for her new bf.

 

Marquee,

 

I went through a divorce myself and can somewhat relate to the pain involved.

I hope I haven't added to yours.

 

My wish for you is to return to center--to not continue to live at either extreme of love or hate, flogging yourself or vilifying her-so that you can heal. It's a challenge and a process but my money is on you. I hope your new therapist is helpful!

 

Best to you.

Edited March 16, 2011 by cerridwen

[marqueemoon4]

healthy thoughts of the day:

 

no matter if I think I got used, left, lied to, set up, and she's already living with another person with our kid, there is nothing I can do about this. I hate that it happened, but no amount of stressing about it, recounting it, and talking about it is going to change anything.

 

no matter how many mistakes I made I can't continue to beat myself up for them. the marriage is over, its probably for the best, and the only thing I can do is learn from this and become a better person. I believe that if/when I'm with the right person most of the problems I had with my ex will be a non issue.

[marqueemoon4]

I've suffered some significant physical pain over the years-- broken collarbone, broken femur (ouch!), numerous broken fingers, a nagging shoulder that always dislocated, etc etc.. those were nothing compared to the emotional suffering I've been going through the last 8mos. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE. So tired of having a queasy stomach, anxiety, and seeing my son confused and in pain. Never in a million years when I was not paying attention to her before she left did I think I'd get my ass handed to me like this. Never.

Edited March 17, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

going NC means accepting that she is gone forever and my family the way I knew it will never be again. i'm so saddened she has no interest in seeing how far I've come, but I can't control that. i wish she cared about me still but she does not. at the end of the day I've only got myself to take care of me. i went to the park with my son today and saw all the families playing with their children and it broke my heart. i wished to God she was there with us enjoying the beautiful day and watching our son play. it has been daily pain since August, it has to get better. I weighed myself today and i'm down to 217.. at my heaviest I was probably 245. i want to ask her questions but she won't give me answers. i never had any idea having an incredible child with and marrying her could end up so horribly wrong.

[marqueemoon4]

I miss her so bad. Its a beautiful saturday and I wish we had our family together and we could've gone out and done something. I am so stuck and its not normal at this point.. I haven't felt content one day in 8months, the only thing that made me feel like I had a purpose in this life was to have a family and provide for them. I don't know how to cope with this. Now everyone knows my weakness.. its out for the whole world to see.

[marqueemoon4]

I should have acceptance by now.. she hasn't lived with me for 10 months. Actually, I have acceptance, I just don't like the way things are now. This is a permanent change that I did not ask for nor want.

[dreamingoftigers]

Everybody is on a different timetable and when you came on here you were still in denial.

 

Give yourself a year from denial.

 

And acceptance isn't all happy, happy, joy, joy either.

[marqueemoon4]

Everybody is on a different timetable and when you came on here you were still in denial.

 

Give yourself a year from denial.

 

And acceptance isn't all happy, happy, joy, joy either.

 

denial? like I thought she was coming back? i don't know about that.. maybe in denial that there was no amount of 180'ing, fixing myself, or discussion that would change her mind. I guess thats the same thing, huh?

[marqueemoon4]

I put it out to her on saturday via text that if she wanted to pick up our son that was her call.. her mom had been doing it. she showed up by herself for the pickup, our son was very upset to be leaving me, made it easier for him to goto his mom instead of his grandmother. Not a word was spoken, it hurt after I left but not as much. I hate seeing my son hurting..

[marqueemoon4]

How should I feel at this point? Doesn't matter if the failure of our marriage was my fault, her fault or both of us. It failed. She's moved on and is "fine". Trying to find a new attorney so I can get more time with my son, hopefully 50/50. I still care about her.. I can't lie. I guess I'm weak, because most people would write her off for life after everything thats happened and her treatment of me. Honestly, there is no way I could ever trust her again. I guess she has to be the enemy, as things are contentious and she is with another guy. I wish my son didn't have to feel pain over this.

[worldgonewrong]

For what it's worth, I'm seeing some REAL recognizable, subtle changes in you (your thoughts/perception) in the time that you & I have been communicating on this forum.

[Denillad]

You are not weak for care about her, that's real love. You are hurt. Atleast u can admit it. We can choose to trust again when we truly let go and choose to. I won't forget my ex husband chose to leave n start another relationship but I know I loved him and wanted to make things work. It wasn't our choosing to not work at things and we have accept it. They may regret their choices or not but we have make sure we find the peace and happiness we deserve.

[marqueemoon4]

wgw/Denillad thanks so much for your feedback and support. I'm just trying to be a positive as possible going forward. being racked with guilt/regret/anger/resentment gets me nowhere but deeper in a hole. I realize that as big a nightmare this separation/divorce has been its better than being married to someone who doesn't love/care/respect me. I deserve better.

[marqueemoon4]

just picked up my son, so glad to see him. no words, eye contact, anything between her and I, complete indifference from both sides. this is the way it will be for a long time it seems.

[lolo1234]

My ex husband and I have been separated for 6 months. Our contact is kept to a minimum when we see each other. Its just not comfortable and it doesn't feel natural. And if you try being nice and friendly it just opens up old wounds. I think its normal to be this way.Our contact has mostly been via text and we have tried to keep it only about the kids.

[marqueemoon4]

its extremely unnatural, I really don't like it. but there is nothing to be said between us, so this is how it will be.

[marqueemoon4]

I feel really down today.. I am with my son and thats good but I hate bringing him back to her after only 24hrs. He's telling me he wants to stay with me and doesn't want to see her. I hate this whole thing, and knowing that she is all about her new bf means there is no end in sight for this. How could I put my well being in the hands of someone else like this? Someone so unforgiving, inconsiderate, cold, and uncaring? She made me believe marriage meant so much too her, it didn't. She made me believe that all our time together was so important to her.. it's not. She made me believe that she wanted a family so bad.. she didn't. Who is this person?