Where to go from here?

[ganymede]

So, this will be my first post, and I've come here I guess to get some supportive, understanding but un-biased opinions and ideas.

 

I have been dating my gf for just over 2 and a half years, we work tgthr (yes i know that's frowned upon, nothing I would have ever expected myself doing, but sometimes these things 'just happen', and it did and it was an incredible 2 years.

 

A few months ago she came to me an asked me to move in with her, and I guess I reacted badly. Not because I didn't want to move in with her, but because i was in the midst of a whole bunch of other life altering moments (returning to school, getting my life on track) I suppose i was rather focused on myself, which is good, but at the same point I didn't rly grasp the full...idea behind what she was actually asking me. I have been a rather depressed guy for awhile feeling no direction in life (something she probably had to deal with a lot) but she loved me and I loved her, she has a lot of personal issues that i dealt with as well, that being said our communication skills were mediocre at best. (he's are terrible, and its hard to try to communicate with someone who...just doesn't)

 

Anyways. So since the time of that fateful day, things were 'different', we had many conversations about it, as i wanted to 'make things better' and she told me she did too. She said essentially that something changed that night and she just didn't know how to get it back.

 

I was understanding and tried to explain myself, I know where i went wrong, sometimes a mistakes a mistake, but I guess it doesn't always mean you can make up for it.

 

About a week ago I found out shes been cheating on me (with another guy from our work, who now thankfully doesn't work with our company anymore). I 'knew' something was wrong weeks ago, im sure everyone who has had thing happen to them can contest that you just 'know' when the vibe changes, and you can suspect something, and I did, but i trusted her so deeply I could never imagine that it would have gone on like it did.

 

I caught on to a txt conversation between the two, someone kept msging her at 3am, and that above all was weird. I ended up caving to an intense pull and went through her phone...something im not proud of in hindsight, but at the time a madness takes you over and you only really want to prove yourself wrong. And obviously, i didnt prove myself wrong...

 

So now its a week later, and I've gone through all the rights, not sleeping and not eating, being lonely and sad, feeling awful about myself, blaming myself, blaming her, being angry (though the anger faded much quicker then I would have expected, i think i burned myself out that first night in discovery).

 

For whatever reason, that i can only call ...my intense true love for her, I still want her back, and we have talked, and she 'doesn't know and needs time', which is fair. I would like to fix this and see this possibly being the catalyst to a stronger more understanding and communication powered relationship...but in my heart i know she is going to choose this other guy, or at least bop around with him awhile until she figures out a way to not feel bad and need the distraction.

 

It's effected me on a level I cant quite...explain, because its not like it was an 'oops' after a drunken night at the bar, this happened a few times, and was obviously something she wanted...or needed. The fact that i cld lose her and she could walk right into another realtionship drives me bonkers beyond madness, all i can hope for in a twisted way is that she is there for all the wrong reasons and in time she realized that, but i dont want to think that way either. But knowing her personality (that i must admist i now know i could be wrong about), shes stringing me along a lil because she doesnt want to 'hurt me', as daft as that sounds, but i dont want to live on hope either. Especially hope that is fueled by lies to ease the blow, thats not helpful, ive told her this, and just ask if there is no chance pls tell me so at least i can pick a direction to heal in. i guess its time to just pick the direction myself and let her catchup if thats what she so chooses.

 

I don't want to come here and ask 'what should I do' because, each situation is so unique. And truthfully i know that there isnt a 'to do', as everything is really out of my hands. (but that doesnt stop me from badly wanting to do something either)

 

I guess i just wanted to tell my story and hope that maybe someone had some advice in some direction, what are the best ways for me to feel better as a person, to cope and deal, and regardless of what happens move on without driving myself mad.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited January 23, 2011 by ganymede

[seibert253]

Ahh the "I need time".

 

Your girl wants to string you along while she "decides". It's called Fencesitting.

 

Don't give her the pleasure.

 

Listen, I'm not telling you what to do, only giving you a tried a true option that worked for me.

 

Knock her off the fence.

 

Give her an option:

1. Chose me, or

2. Chose him

 

If you decide to give her "time" to decide, I suggest you make it short.

I gave mine one week.

Then go NC to the max.

 

MAKE her chose.

You deserve better.

 

Now, how do you cope. Only two things heal a wounded heart.

Time and distance.

 

Time is realitive. Each of us are different, so some heal quickly, others do not.

Distance is imparative. You WILL NOT heal without it.

Distance means NC, absolutely NONE.

Don't return calls, texts, emails, IM's, nothing. It will hurt like hell, but it's needed and a must. Unfriend her from FB, delete her number from your phone, block her email address, do it all.

 

You need to act as if she never existed. Easier said than done huh?

It's gonna be the hardest thing you ever did, but you WILL NOT heal without it.

 

Now, having said that. NC is the greatest tool in knocking the fencesitter off their fence.

So, if your goal is to have her chose you, then work through what happened, NC is your best allie.

NC is also your greatest tools in getting over her, and moving on.

 

Peace and Good Luck

Edited January 24, 2011 by seibert253

[Space Ritual]

This relationship is OVER...Sorry but when your gf "needs time" that means she wants to keep banging the other guy and see where it goes, but you can hang around like a puppy dog and wait for her to come back to you after she has had her fill of him(literally).

Then there will be something else that will come up and she will do it again.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but you need a dose of reality. she cheated on you, and you may be willing to accept it, plain and simple.

 

Well don't. Things like this snowball into other areas of our lives when we become accustomed to getting beaten down and just accept things we normally would not. What I am saying is that she did you a favor by showing her true colors. Think about it....Better to cut ties now as opposed to waking up 5 years from now with a mortgage, two kids and a dead end job to discover that "something changed", and you going through some nasty divorce.

 

Dump her this very night, or you will live to regret it.

[Lil1]

I have to agree that it sounds like this relationship is over and it is probably for the best. You said, "our communication skills were mediocre at best", which right away points to signs of incompatibility. So maybe you two were not right for each other. The fact that she decided to cheat on you with another guy who you work with shows how insensitive and perhaps spiteful she can be. It's in very poor tatse to do that to someone - at least have the decency to make sure you never have to see that person, or better yet, Don't cheat at all!

 

If she truly cared for you she would have broken off the relationship with you and furthermore she would not have slept with someone you both work with. That just shows you right there what kind of uncaring selfish individual she is.

 

You should focus on yourself and work on those 'deppressed' issues you have been feeling. Try to boost your self esteem by doing something you enjoy. Do not, I repeat, do not, go back to her, even if she tells you how sorry she is. If she had the indecency to do what she did to you once, she will do it again. From a woman's point of view, if you take her back after having cheated on you (with a coworker no less - where I'm sure everyone else found out about it because thats just how work settings are), she will see you as weak. You deserve better.

 

Stay NC!... and work on your self esteem. Good luck!