boyfriend of 4 years slept with another girl at a party

[daisy]

Tony-you seem to give good advice on here, so maybe you can help me...here goes!

 

Last year my boyfriend of 4 years slept with another girl at a party that was going on at his apartment. He was VERY drunk when it happened and I have no doubt in my mind that it would never have happened, had he been sober.

 

He was the one who told me the truth about what happened, so it's not like I heard it from someone else (thank goodness. I know that he's extremely sorry that it happened and I know deep down it won't happen again. He doesn't go out with his friends as much (working too much lately) and when he does, he keeps his drinking under control. I can't even remember the last time he went out & got drunk. Anyway, I guess my problem is that I still find myself thinking about that night, even though it's been a year & a half ago. And sometimes when he does go out w/his friends, I worry that I'll get hurt again. I know that he can be trusted, and I know it was a one time thing. By the way, I've told him that if it does happen again, it's over between us. We're both still in college and almost done (next year I'll graduate) and we've talked about marriage for quite a while. I can't even imagine being without him, or being with another guy. I know that he's the one for me and I know that people make mistakes, I've forgiven him for what happened, I just can't seem to forget!

 

So Tony, or anyone else please give me some advice, and I'm sorry this is so long...thanks!

[Tony T]

You have made a lot of superbly excellent reasons for forgetting this event. There is just no magical way to forget. However, sometimes just having the will to do so goes a long way.

 

It'll just take some time...maybe a long time. But it doesn't seem that your inability to forget is interfering with your relationship at this time.

 

There will be certain cues that bring up this memory, such as the times he goes out with friends...or periods of time when his whereabouts is unaccounted for. You are just going to have to trust him, plain and simple.

 

Short of brain surgery, there is no way to remove a memory from the brain. A good ethical hypnotherapist may be able to help diminish the memory somewhat through medical hypnosis if you want to go that far. But there is not pill or particular tecnique that is effective in making people forget such events.

 

You have forgiven him and the memory serves no useful purpose except to upset you. Take control of your mind and your brain. You own these things and you shouldn't let them do things that upset you.

 

It should make you a bit angry that you are having to pay such a price for his stupid indiscretion. I don't think you deserve this recurring memory. Maybe if you spend an entire day just thinking about it all day, meditating on it, totally obsessing with it, you will diminish the effects of the neurons in your brain that hold this information. While you are meditating, imagine that this information is disolving and deleting in your brain and will no longer be there or have any effects on your life. This is a strategy used in certain therapeutic situations. It's up to you whether you want to do this or not.

 

Wouldn't it be great if we could just easily forget stuff like this.

[tina]

Hi, i have the same problem to . my bf spent the night with a woman , but he had no sex with he, but everything without sex so it is all the same.

 

He was the one who told me the truth about what happened. He feel sorry for that and we came together. the same thing i feel like you feel, everytime wenn he is not in the office of if the phone is busy i think myabe he is with here.

 

you can't forget it. It is like virginity, once you lost it

 

you can't have it agein. the only thing what you can do is just leave it and relax, take it as if you know him better now, give attention. so time heal the part of the pain but not all. you know it is the same with me sometimes i want to leave him, because i can't forget it. But i can't. I don't know why?? if it love or not i don't know. i don't think you forgive him because you love him. i think you did it for the sake of you. You were not prepare to leave him it came all of the sudden. so Right now you can't even think correct. so if you can it woul'd be better if you leave him if not just stay and relax take your time.

 

but remeber you will ever never forget what happened.

[daisy]

Tony-thank you so much for your kind response! It's so nice to have someone reply without insisting that "kicking him to the curb" is the best solution, because I know it's not. Thanks again!

He was the one who told me the truth about what happened. He feel sorry for that and we came together. the same thing i feel like you feel, everytime wenn he is not in the office of if the phone is busy i think myabe he is with here. you can't forget it. It is like virginity, once you lost it you can't have it agein. the only thing what you can do is just leave it and relax, take it as if you know him better now, give attention. so time heal the part of the pain but not all. you know it is the same with me sometimes i want to leave him, because i can't forget it. But i can't. I don't know why?? if it love or not i don't know. i don't think you forgive him because you love him. i think you did it for the sake of you. You were not prepare to leave him it came all of the sudden. so Right now you can't even think correct. so if you can it woul'd be better if you leave him if not just stay and relax take your time. but remeber you will ever never forget what happened.