Second chance isn't going as well as I thought... What is he thinking?

[flow15]

I apologise in advance, this is rather long, but I really appreciate it if anyone reads this and could give me some advice!!

 

Some of you may know my story, basically my ex broke up with me back in August as we were arguing quite a lot, he felt a lot of pressure from me and couldn't take it any more. I was completely heartbroken and devastated, I went NC for 3 months (secretly hoping hed want me back), in these 3 months he tried to contact me twice, just to say hello, how r u? etc.

 

In November we bumped into eachother, and he broke down, told me he still loved me, missed me, but said he couldn't be in a relationship. I was in so much shock as I thought he didn't love me any more and I had tried so much for 3 months to put him out of my mind, even though I still loved him. I asked him how can he still love me but not want to be with me, and he just kept saying he didn't want a relationship.

 

Since then we had been talking nearly every day.... sometimes we'd talk about where we went wrong and whether we could try to make it work again, but he always said he didnt want a relationship and didnt want to hurt me again and risk it going back to the way it was.

 

 

However, last week he told me he wanted to take that risk and try again, we discussed our mistakes, and I told him I was going to try to not make him feel so much under pressure, etc...

 

So I went to visit him on thursday (he lives an hour away, so I drove down to see him for the day/night and left on friday). We were happy to see eachother, we had sex, had dinner, watched a movie, went for a couple of drinks and then came back home and it was nice... but not AMAZING (at the beginning of our relationship he pursued me, he was amazing with me, he treated me so well, we had this instant attraction and connection, however after about 5 months...after the honeymoon period- all this wore off and we were spending WAY too much time together, and depended on eachother too much, I became clingy and arguments began...).. So when we saw eachother on thursday I was kind of hoping that by starting again it would be like how it was in the beginning.

 

Anyway on Friday I had to leave and we still hadn't really talked about us and how we are gonna make this work, so I asked him if he was still having second thoughts, and he said no, but it was weird being with me again, which didnt make me feel good. He also said that on thursday when we were chilling for a bit at his house we were hanging with his housemate and a friend, and he said he didnt feel relaxed and couldnt be himself. And I asked him why, and he said he didnt know, but his friends always said that whenever I was there with him and his friends he was never himself and he just realised that now!

 

And also when we watched the dvd in bed he played online poker at the same time and I asked him not to as I felt like seeing as it was our first night together I wanted it to be special, and it didnt feel special with him having his attention on the movie, on the poker and on me.

 

Also I should point out that when we were with his friends and he didnt feel relaxed, he wanted to smoke weed, and asked his friend for some.. and I spoke to him in the kitchen after and asked him not to, as whenever he smokes it hes always so off with me.. and I wouldn't mind him smoking any other day, but not on out FIRST day together when we r trying again.

 

He told me in the morning that the reason why he wanted to smoke was so that he could feel relaxed.

 

I don't understand how he could do all these things, and not try to make our first day together special. He said that we spent a whole day together so the attention shouldnt have all been on me, but the thing is we hadnt seen eachother in over a month, and he lives an hour away so its not like I can see him all the time.

 

I just feel like he wasn't really making much effort, I felt like he didn't want me there and didn't even want to try again... I asked him why he wanted to try again, and he told me because he missed me, because I am special to him and he doesn't want to lose me. But I just feel that if he carries on this way he is gonna lose me!

 

When I left, he told me to think about what we talked about and to try and find solutions to him feeling uncomfortable around his friends, and the fact he feels so much pressure not to upset me when he wants to play poker, or smoke. And he said we would talk later.

 

That night he didnt contact me to talk, but I remembered that he had said that his housemate was going away for the night on saturday so I text him asking if I should go visit him for the night as we would have the house to ourselves and we could talk about everything. He replied saying he was looking forward to having his alone time... and instead of saying ok thats fine, I just got upset and told him how does he expect us to work when he doesnt even want to see me, when we need to talk and he'd rather have his alone time than even see me! He kept saying that his alone time was important to him etc... We ended up arguing a bit, and I just ended the conversation saying the only way we will work is if both of us put in the effort, and it seems like im the only one making effort. He didnt reply. I txt him later on apologising as he said he felt pressure once again, and I told him I just wanted to see him so we could talk about us so we could make this work quicker.. and I told him I missed how he was at the begining of the relationship and how special he made me feel. but he ignored it. That was yesterday, he still hasnt replied or tried to contact me.

 

we are both on skype now and Im not contacting him first... But I don't understand how he can say he wanted to try again when I feel like hes not making any effort, I've been feeling awful all weekend, and I don't know what to do. I wish I could just walk away, tell him he doesnt appreciate me, is selfish and doesnt deserve me, but I can't cos I love him, and I've been waiting for 7 months for another chance, hes finally given us one... but its just not going as I expected...Why isnt he contacting me?!

 

Thank you for reading, I know this is really long... I just really need to talk to someone about this....

[edgeofdarkness]

yr trying to fix this on yr own. your commitment to trying again, is higher than his.

 

Ask him on a scale of 1 - 100 how committed he feels to really making this work bitween you 2.

 

He shd come rite back with 100%.

 

He who hesitates is lost. if he hesitates = lose him.

[flow15]

yr trying to fix this on yr own. your commitment to trying again, is higher than his.

 

Ask him on a scale of 1 - 100 how committed he feels to really making this work bitween you 2.

 

He shd come rite back with 100%.

 

He who hesitates is lost. if he hesitates = lose him.

 

But he's the one that said he wanted to try again, why would he do that if he isn't committed 100%? I feel like I'm always chasing after him, and I don't want to keep doing that

[heartshaped]

I read your post and understand exactly why he feels pressured.

 

Don't make mountains out of mole hills. In relationships, you have to pick your battles. If you let every little thing your partner does bother you or make unreasonable demands of him then no, it isn't going to work.

 

First off, of course, it isn't going to be like the beginning of your relationship. Once the honeymoon period is over, it's over. Just because the two of you are starting again it's not like before you knew each other. The honeymoon period is mostly so because it's that wonderful time before you notice/know any of your partner's faults.

 

Second, it does seem like you wanted him to go out of his way and make this first day back together special etc. but you have to understand it was your first day back together or trying or whatever you want to call it so you shouldn't have set your sights so high and really should have tried to keep the day low key. It seems though you had all these expectations and when they weren't met you wanted to put demands on him on what he could and couldn't do which only alienates your partner and makes him feel pressured.

 

You say it feels as if he weren't making that much effort, but then the two of you went to dinner, saw a movie, went out for drinks, etc. so how much were you exactly expecting from him? Then you get upset Saturday when he says he was looking forward to his alone time when you had just seen him the day before. I understand that you felt the two of you needed to talk, but you have to also understand how he felt.

 

The reason he isn't replying is because you obviously upset him by saying you're the only one making an effort among other things.

 

I just think you need to try to put yourself in his shoes and not be so demanding. It's going to scare him away.

[flow15]

I read your post and understand exactly why he feels pressured.

 

Don't make mountains out of mole hills. In relationships, you have to pick your battles. If you let every little thing your partner does bother you or make unreasonable demands of him then no, it isn't going to work.

 

First off, of course, it isn't going to be like the beginning of your relationship. Once the honeymoon period is over, it's over. Just because the two of you are starting again it's not like before you knew each other. The honeymoon period is mostly so because it's that wonderful time before you notice/know any of your partner's faults.

 

Second, it does seem like you wanted him to go out of his way and make this first day back together special etc. but you have to understand it was your first day back together or trying or whatever you want to call it so you shouldn't have set your sights so high and really should have tried to keep the day low key. It seems though you had all these expectations and when they weren't met you wanted to put demands on him on what he could and couldn't do which only alienates your partner and makes him feel pressured.

 

You say it feels as if he weren't making that much effort, but then the two of you went to dinner, saw a movie, went out for drinks, etc. so how much were you exactly expecting from him? Then you get upset Saturday when he says he was looking forward to his alone time when you had just seen him the day before. I understand that you felt the two of you needed to talk, but you have to also understand how he felt.

 

The reason he isn't replying is because you obviously upset him by saying you're the only one making an effort among other things.

 

I just think you need to try to put yourself in his shoes and not be so demanding. It's going to scare him away.

 

Thank you for your reply... I did wonder if I was expecting too much, but I do feel absolutely awful, cos I really do feel that I want this so much more than him.... I just feel like I've been waiting around for him to get in contact all day and I feel like he doesnt care at all! It drives me crazy, but then I do wonder if it is just me. I spoke to a friend about it, and she thinks he isnt treating me well enough and that I deserve better and his behaviour isn't acceptable. Maybe she is making me believe it is worse than it is??

 

Do you think I should contact him?? I just really don't want to be the one to keep chasing after him... but if I am really in the wrong then I don't want him to be upset and have second thoughts about me.

[edgeofdarkness]

But he's the one that said he wanted to try again, why would he do that if he isn't committed 100%? I feel like I'm always chasing after him, and I don't want to keep doing that

 

sure, he wanted to try again.

its cool having a GF to ball with. you hv yr uses.

but the pressure of havin to make any effort, was too much. He wanted it like the old way.

you wanted the new improved must try harder model.

he didnt see why more effort was required, why couldnt u just go back to the way it was?

Nah, Im convinced hes not into this fr keeps.....

[flow15]

sure, he wanted to try again.

its cool having a GF to ball with. you hv yr uses.

but the pressure of havin to make any effort, was too much. He wanted it like the old way.

you wanted the new improved must try harder model.

he didnt see why more effort was required, why couldnt u just go back to the way it was?

Nah, Im convinced hes not into this fr keeps.....

 

Ok so I understand now that I put too much pressure on him, and expected too much from him.

 

What can I do now to fix this? What can I say to him so he doesn't feel pressured?

[Rose T]

I think you've probably done all you can for now, and I don't think you should feel bad about how you acted on the date. Although I do understand the argument about picking your battles, it's ok to expect certain levels of behaviour from your boyfriend, even if a lot of water has already passed under the bridge.

 

You may sadly simply be finding that the second chance isn't going to work out. What makes brand new relationships great is the novelty and the endorphins of just getting together, plus you don't see their flaws yet. Second chances mean you know everything that's wrong with them, plus the excitement of starting over fades pretty fast because its a reboot rather than a geniuinely new situation. Add in some hurt, insecurity, anger, expectations caused in the mad bubble of the break you two had, and it's a really tricky dynamic. Take the playing online poker in bed - if it was your first or second date, he wouldn't have done it, because he would have been more into you, and if he crazily had, you wouldn't have said anything, because you would have been on your best behaviour.

 

If this is really going to have a hope you have to both be hugely committed to the relationship - moving towards marriage if this reconciliation works, basically. He's not expressing himself but I get the vibe that he picked up the wierdness of the situation as you did and he doesn't know whether he wants to keep going. To give you peace of mind, I'd wait to see if he makes a move now and how convincing his move is. Without some big commitment gestures on his part - you seem to be ready - it may be better to call it quits. I know it sucks, but second chances are incredibly hard to get right.

[gator12]

I agree with everyone on the not pressuring him too much, you just got back together so you need to take things slowly. That aside, communication is the key. You guys both need to make sure you keep lines of communication open or the same problems are going to creep back up again (FACT: this is why most second chances fail.) Guys are terrible with emotions, which is maybe why he was doing all of those things while you felt ignored, womenon the other hand are bad communicators so they dont tell you how they really feel all the time. Put those two together and a relationship is going to fail. So I say just take it slowly, make your concerns known and in a few weeks you'll know if things are gonna start changing, and if not well, eventually things that aren't meant to be won't work out. Oooo and the whole honeymoon phase thing wont happen again because this isn't a new relationship, you've already been with him before, alot of the excitement is worn off because you've already gotten close to him before. It's up to you guys though to make sure this relation ship isn't just a repeat of the last one "another try". This has to be a completely new relationship or it's gonna break down for the same reasons as last time.

[Graceful]

flow,

 

Someone has to say this to you, so it might as well be me.

 

You are trying to resuscitate a dead relationship. That is right, it is dead.

 

You know what they say about actions speaking louder than words?

 

Well, you've got yourself a clear cut case of actions speaking VOLUMES, and words, well, they are what they are. Not much of anything, except for the ones that seem to hurt you and are constantly telling you what to do, how to do it, not to do this, do that, stop doing this, don't come here, go away, he wants you, he doesn't want you, he wants to be by himself ... all I can say is, if you want to stay in that minefield, you must be a glutton for punishment because to put up with crappy treatment like that makes no sense, so I hope you can explain it to yourself. but don't bother explaining it to me, because there's just no excuse for putting up with it, and I don't even care what your reasons are, I won't agree anyway.

 

Done and done. Cut him loose. I mean, really, you go to see him the FIRST time you are together to make another try? He broke up with you, remember? He should have been a knight in shining armor that night, tripping over himself to be back with you, doing everything he could to please you after hurting you the way he did.

 

Did he do that? Er ... nope. Unless you left that part out of the description of what happened that night.

 

Have some pride and dignity, flow. Please. Relationships are not work projects, they are works IN progress. Now I don't see one iota of progress that was made in all the months you were apart, and I don't see any progress on the horizon either. Here, take a look for yourself ... do you?

 

You're beating a dead horse. It's dead, I am telling you. Time to dismount. Sorry, but save yourself more heartache and cut this loser out of your life STAT.

[flow15]

I'd like to thank everyone for their replies. I had to kno what was going on, so I asked him why he didnt reply to the text and he said he didnt receive it. and so i just had to tell him that i feel that im the one making all the effort, and that im the only one who is commited in making it work. and he told me he couldnt do this, that he feels too much pressure, that he wants me but loves his freedom too much and cant do a relationship. I am devastated, but i have to learn to cut him out of my life, and there is a reason why he ended it in the first place.

 

Second chances never work......

[gator12]

It'll be okay flow. If the guy isn't willing to work towards a relationship with you then he isn't worth your time. He sounds like he's scared of committment or just too damn lazy for it, either way it's not a good thing. Go NC from here and don't reply to him, heal yourself and move on.

[flow15]

It'll be okay flow. If the guy isn't willing to work towards a relationship with you then he isn't worth your time. He sounds like he's scared of committment or just too damn lazy for it, either way it's not a good thing. Go NC from here and don't reply to him, heal yourself and move on.

 

Its just so hard to walk away from someone who not only do i love, but i know he loves me too. He just cant be in a relationship cos he loves his freedom too much, and just wants to have fun and not have to worry about anyone.

 

I just dont understand how he can want that yet tell me he loves me and doesnt want to lose me. When he broke up with me in August he told me the same thing, so its hard for me to walk away cos he always comes back. I told him this, and he said its not going to happen again. Which just hurts even more. But he doesnt know what will happen in the future, he may miss me and decide in the future he does want to be with me...

I'm going to leave him alone and go no contact and im hoping he'll begin to miss me...

 

Any advice out there though?? How can someone walk away from you if they tell you they love you and dont want to lose you? Is there anything I can do that can make him see that a relationship isnt that bad, and if we love eachother we can find a way for him not to feel pressure, etc... I just dont wanna lose him- ive never felt this way about anyone before, and i know he hasnt either, and we have this amazing connection

[edgeofdarkness]

Any advice out there though?? How can someone walk away from you if they tell you they love you and dont want to lose you?

its easy if theyre not getting what they want. they love u, dont want to lose u, but if it means making efforts, rather have the easy life, thnkx.

 

Is there anything I can do that can make him see that a relationship isnt that bad, and if we love eachother we can find a way for him not to feel pressure, etc...

no, i think u've done enuff, dont u?

Either he will come round or he wont. u cant force n e thing. let it be, build an indipendant life for yourself and show him u can live without him., sumtimes a guy like this wants what he cant have, more than something he can...

 

I just dont wanna lose him- ive never felt this way about anyone before, and i know he hasnt either, and we have this amazing connection

 

too late youve lost him, hes already told u that. and the amazing connection? I dont by it, if u had an amazing connection, it wd still be connected.

Dont glorify this, its just an ending. there are other beginnings.

[heartshaped]

I just don't think he wants to make compromises to be in a relationship with anyone. There is a certain level of compromise you have to make in a relationship and he's just not ready to do that yet and I think he realizes that. Even though he loves you, unfortunately, it takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work. I think the best thing for you right now would try to work on healing yourself because I don't think he will be coming back again.

[Graceful]

Any advice out there though?? How can someone walk away from you if they tell you they love you and dont want to lose you? Is there anything I can do that can make him see that a relationship isnt that bad, and if we love eachother we can find a way for him not to feel pressure, etc... I just dont wanna lose him- ive never felt this way about anyone before, and i know he hasnt either, and we have this amazing connection

How much time does it take to say the words, "I love you" ?

 

About 2 seconds.

 

How much time does it take to show someone, through actions, that you love that person? How much time does a person need to spend on showing you, caring for you, listening to you, being there for you, wanting you to be there for them, wanting to please you, wanting you to please them back, bringing out the best in you, and you in him, and on and on and on.

 

So how much time is he putting in? Just the 2 seconds to pay lip service? If he didn't want to lose you, don't you think he would have done something about it by now? Seriously.

 

The words "I love you" don't mean a darn thing without the actions to back it up. Equates to the same thing as telling you he loves HDTV, which is an object that just sits there, requiring nothing from him other than operating the remote control.

 

And if this is how he treats someone he supposedly loves, I don't want to know how he treats the people he disrespects. That must really be something.

[flow15]

How much time does it take to say the words, "I love you" ?

 

About 2 seconds.

 

How much time does it take to show someone, through actions, that you love that person? How much time does a person need to spend on showing you, caring for you, listening to you, being there for you, wanting you to be there for them, wanting to please you, wanting you to please them back, bringing out the best in you, and you in him, and on and on and on.

 

So how much time is he putting in? Just the 2 seconds to pay lip service? If he didn't want to lose you, don't you think he would have done something about it by now? Seriously.

 

The words "I love you" don't mean a darn thing without the actions to back it up. Equates to the same thing as telling you he loves HDTV, which is an object that just sits there, requiring nothing from him other than Ioperating the remote control.

 

And if this is how he treats someone he supposedly loves, I don't want to know how he treats the people he disrespects. That must really be something.

 

Thank you, you are totally right... However I don't doubt that he loves me, I just believe that he loves his freedom more right now.

 

I have a problem though, and I need your guys help! Basically last time I spoke to him I was pretty upset, and I kept coming up with solutions as to how to make us work, and he kept saying that he just couldn't be in a relationship,... but if he did it would be with me.

 

And stupidly (as I was very upset and emotional) I told him 'I'm not giving up on you'.

 

I now feel pretty embarrassed for saying that and I wanna tell him I have given up on him, I don't want him to think I'm gonna keep chasing after him, even though I am going NC. However as that conversation was online, I really feel like sending a message saying something like 'I feel really embarrased, I was resally upset when I wrote that, I have given up on you now'

 

What do you think?? Or what do you think I should say? Or should I just leave it?? However, I don't want to be the last thing I said to him ,'Im not giving up on you'!! It makes me seem really pathetic, and really will make him never want me again!

[Rose T]

We all say crazy stuff, it's your actions that count. No contact will be a much more powerful communication and will erase what you said all by itself.

 

Really - let him miss you right now. It's so important for your dignity and sanity.

[flow15]

We all say crazy stuff, it's your actions that count. No contact will be a much more powerful communication and will erase what you said all by itself.

 

Really - let him miss you right now. It's so important for your dignity and sanity.

 

I just didnt want him to read 'im not giving up on you' as the last thing i said to him, everytime he clicks on my name on skype...

[Graceful]

I just didnt want him to read 'im not giving up on you' as the last thing i said to him, everytime he clicks on my name on skype...

 

flow,

If you are resolute about leaving him alone this time (and read my messages if you need strength, b/c really, this ship has sailed) then send him a message.

 

Tell him that you spoke in the heat of the moment, and wanted to let him know that you've accepted the breakup and understand the need to go on separate paths. Wish him well.

 

Don't make it a long song and dance. Don't go overboard. Short and to the point. Be nice. If you can do that, I think you'll feel better.

 

You have to mean it, and not ever contact him again. That goes without saying. It's over, soooo ooooover. Get on with your life.

[strangeways]

We all say crazy stuff, it's your actions that count. No contact will be a much more powerful communication and will erase what you said all by itself.

 

Really - let him miss you right now. It's so important for your dignity and sanity.

 

I agree with Rose on this. I said a load of stupid s**t (not implying what you said was stupid s**t) just after the breakup. Makes me cringe to think about it now. As NC went on I realised that really, NC was my last word and that's what she'll remember.

[flow15]

I agree with Rose on this. I said a load of stupid s**t (not implying what you said was stupid s**t) just after the breakup. Makes me cringe to think about it now. As NC went on I realised that really, NC was my last word and that's what she'll remember.

 

I do agree, but the thing is had I spoken these words, I'm sure he would forget about them... But the words 'I'm not giving up on you' are the last thing I wrote on our conversation on skype, so he can see it anytime he clicks on my name which is really annoying for me! and I wish he knew I am giving up on him. I do realize that NC will show that, but its just the fact that those words are written there and I can't erase them cos its written in black and white! And I just wish I could say something like, 'Thats really embarrasing- I have given up on you obviously'. Although that does sound rly lame!

[strangeways]

I do agree, but the thing is had I spoken these words, I'm sure he would forget about them... But the words 'I'm not giving up on you' are the last thing I wrote on our conversation on skype, so he can see it anytime he clicks on my name which is really annoying for me! and I wish he knew I am giving up on him. I do realize that NC will show that, but its just the fact that those words are written there and I can't erase them cos its written in black and white! And I just wish I could say something like, 'Thats really embarrasing- I have given up on you obviously'. Although that does sound rly lame!

 

I know what you mean. I sent the ex an email the day after she dumped me (we were living together albeit for only 3 days LOL). How I wish I hadn't sent it. I said some sweet things that, looking back, she didn't deserve. She can look at that whenever she wants. I've long since deleted it. What I said still stands. He'll get the real picture with NC. Personally, I wouldn't say anything more to him.

[radiodarcy]

I know what you mean. I sent the ex an email the day after she dumped me (we were living together albeit for only 3 days LOL). How I wish I hadn't sent it. I said some sweet things that, looking back, she didn't deserve. She can look at that whenever she wants. I've long since deleted it. What I said still stands. He'll get the real picture with NC. Personally, I wouldn't say anything more to him.

 

i agree. my ex sent me a nasty hateful e-mail telling me to move on - - one that rated a far more gracious response than what it deserved. i cringed about it for awhile after. but after i committed to NC, he started contacting me again. it must have really messed with his head - - my being all submissive and apologetic the last time he heard from me to me flat out ignoring him after that

 

not that that was my reason for going NC in the first place but it was definitely a perk

[Graceful]

i agree. my ex sent me a nasty hateful e-mail telling me to move on - - one that rated a far more gracious response than what it deserved. i cringed about it for awhile after. but after i committed to NC, he started contacting me again. it must have really messed with his head - - my being all submissive and apologetic the last time he heard from me to me flat out ignoring him after that

 

not that that was my reason for going NC in the first place but it was definitely a perk

I'm sorry, I don't understand this.

 

Your ex sent you a nasty email.

 

It rated a "far more gracious response than what it deserved?"

 

What does that mean? You responded graciously or you didn't?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Insofar as the OP goes, my advice stands. It's fine to send one last email, and she's going to do it anyhow, so why bother telling her not to.

 

Seriously, there are people here you can see are going to go ahead and make contact. So why waste time convincing them otherwise?