It hurts being a rebound.

[fiat500]

That's all I was to my last ex. A rebound from his last relationship. He loved her deeply and she didn't give two sh*ts about him. I really cared about him. I don't know how I'll get over this pain. It's been two months. I keep thinking I'm getting better but the feeling never lasts. Toward the end he told me he still had feelings for her.

 

 

That's life, I know. But it hurts to care about someone and all you really are to them is a means to get over someone else. You could never really live up to the idealized version of their ex that they have in their head. The worst part is the idealized version doesn't exist and they'll never know. The pain is too much.

[curiousnycgirl]

Hey Fiat - I was trying to figure out how to respond to your other thread and finally realized there as notihing of value I could add - and now here is another thread by you where I might be able to share. Not sure there is anything that can be said that can help, but at least you'll know you are not alone!

 

It's funny (bizarre, not haha) it doesn't matter the circumstances, it just stinks to be the one who loves more, whether you are the rebound person, or just the giver in the relationship - when it ends you are the one left hurting more than words can say.

 

Years ago I had a friend who made it very clear that her husband loved her way more than she loved him, and that she prefered it that way. Whenever she found something that could be used against him in a divorce, she would date it and keep it in case she ever needed evidence. I thought she was very callous.

 

After 6 years of giving all I had to a man who never gave, only took from me - only to find he was actively looking on match.com - I only wish I could be like her. Despite knowing what I now know - I miss him every day and wish I could figure out why I was not enough for him.

 

He is with someone new - and every time someone asks me out I cry, literally! I cannot concieve of ever dating again. I end up telling people I am damaged goods and really not dating material but thanks anyway. Yup I get it -and I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

 

If I read your earlier thread correctly you are only 24 years old. Please don't let this guy ruin your life - you've got so many years ahead of you. Don't turn into me (I'm old). I'm not saying you need to get out there an date again so soon, but you do need to get out there and do something. So what iis it you can do for YOU? I'm taking care of my horse, getting involved with Special Olympics and a few other favorite charities again. - Your turn!

[Confused728]

I do believe that idealized version exist if its me.. I hope my ex is like that to his rebound!

[I am healed]

Yes I'm sorry I've done what has happened to you, to another girl before. And I believe we do it because we don't understand who we are after the breakup and end up doing whatever we can to cope. Glady I told the girl I was dating that I would never want to be with her in a serious relationship, but she still fell in love. This is life it happens, you will heal. How do I know because I have spoken to the girl I did this too and she is doing great now.

[Duckduckgoose]

When posts like this come from hurting people, it makes me not want to pursue a rebound relationship... because it is doing so at the cost of someone's emotions.

 

It is something I have been considering... but I will just not jump into it unless it is very clear to the person involved what is going on. Some people have success with rebounds even after they end (which most will). I think it is because they told the other person upfront what was going on. If the other person is fine with that then it works... if not, they need to run like their ass is on fire.

 

Going through a divorce... part of me wants to find someone quick, but that isn't the right way to go about things. I need to heal, I need to finish counselling, and I gotta wait for this D to be final before I can start thinking of dating again.

 

Instead its better to just go out, get involved, meet people... and let things happen from there. It sounds much easier and simpler than it is, truth-be-told.

[fiat500]

Duckduckgoose and I am healed : he never told me upfront that i was a rebound. if he had INFORMED me, i would have been so grateful and had stayed far FAR away. i never really put much worry into the fact that he had his ex's pictures on his facebook still even after we started dating. i was easygoing about it. and stupid now that i think about it.

 

but yeah, it's much appreciated that you let someone know that they're a rebound before they get involved with you. i really wish i knew about it going in. so i don't think you have to apologize much, I am healed. You at least told her before she decided to dive in.

 

so he was dumped by his perfect ex last January and we started hanging out at the end of march and didn't really put a name to it until june. so i THOUGHT he was over her since he was pursuing me. he never talked about her. i had rejected his requests to date a few times. they went out for five months. their relationship was purely sexual and they never had any fights. probably because she could barely speak english? she was foreign and he told me that he was doing most of the traveling to see her in the city and wanting to hang out with her the most. when they broke up she gave him some stupid excuse telling him that her family was stressing her out and blah blah. but he put her on a pedestal because of it.

 

he told me something really hurtful before he dumped me. he claimed he understood why his ex let him go because he was doing the same thing that i had been doing at the time. he wanted to see her while she was at college and i was now doing the same thing to him. it's that ignorant statement alone that makes me wish i never gave him a chance. i had shot him down a few times before we really started dating and i would give up everything that i have to take back the chance i gave him to hurt me as much as he did. he will never know how much that hurt.

 

he will never know the depth of that hurt.

and i really f##king hate him.

 

confused728: did you dump him?

 

curiousnycgirl : your post makes me cry. you're never too old to fall in love. but i could never love someone more than they love me ever EVER again. i'm making this promise to myself and will never break it. i will never love someone more than they love me. i really wish i could do something but i have no motivation to go after my dreams and i know it sounds pathetic but i just feel dead. it was a struggle for me to get A's in the classes i was taking last semester because of this mess. i had to literally pull my grades out of the gutter at the last minute and it was a huge undertaking. i've never struggled in any class in my life so i've taken a break. i just can't concentrate right now. i have no idea when i'll get me back. i just feel really low.

Edited January 24, 2011 by fiat500

[Duckduckgoose]

I can't speak for this fellow, but he should have told you what was going on in his head. Maybe he thought you were not a rebound? Strange as that seems... he probably couldn't place all his emotions.

 

One thing I'm keeping my eyes open for from now on is the details of their last relationship, and how they perceive their most current ex. The information they tell me and other bits of info I pick up about it will go a long way in painting a picture of how they feel about that person. If I think they are still stuck on the last person... I will run like my ass is on fire

 

Something else odd... I read a study that people who are bullied are likely to become bullies themselves... even knowing the pain of being bullied they choose to do it to others. It might apply in a situation where someone gets their heart broken... they turn around and be a heartbreaker? I don't understand the psychology behind that...

[I am healed]

honestly I never told the girl she was a rebound either. But I did tell her I wanted nothing serious. To me she wasn't a rebound she was someone I genuinely cared for. Your guy may have been going through the same thing. Even if we do like someone whille you are going through a break up it is hard to move on to someone new.

 

so don't be so hard on yourself or him. I think you realize now though that's important to know the state of the person you're dating and you've stated "you've made a mistake with pictures of his X" whatever it's ok don't be made at yourself. Gladly I've avoided some rebound situations knowing the knowledge I know as well.

 

good luck

[bluebirdsfly]

he never told me upfront that i was a rebound. if he had INFORMED me, i would have been so grateful and had stayed far FAR away.

 

Exactly my situation

[radiodarcy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fiat500

he never told me upfront that i was a rebound. if he had INFORMED me, i would have been so grateful and had stayed far FAR away.

 

Exactly my situation

 

Mine too. it sucks when you have to come to that conclusion on your own.

[bluebirdsfly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fiat500

he never told me upfront that i was a rebound. if he had INFORMED me, i would have been so grateful and had stayed far FAR away.

 

Exactly my situation

 

Mine too. it sucks when you have to come to that conclusion on your own.

 

I know. I don't date at all if I'm not really emotionally available, and I assume that people will do the same. Now I know much better. Those who has omitted that they are seeking a rebound are extremely selfish, healing themselves at the cost of other people. And my ex even told me that he's looking for potentially a long term relationship, while in reality he's just looking for a rebound. I ignored all the red flags and gut feelings. I will be much more cautious when I decide to date again.