After nearly 8 years he keeps putting off getting married!

[kjh81]

I have just turned 30 and have been with my partner nearly 8 years. He is almost 35 and we have 3 children.

 

After we had been together for less than a year he proposed and I was over the moon. Sadly, the wedding is yet to take place.

 

I am now at the stage where I think that after so long together and with having 3 kids, it's about time we were finally married. I bring it up all the time only to be met with different excuses everytime. First it was the cost, then it was where it was going to be and now it's that he wants to lose weight first. (I thought that was supposed to be the woman) Anyway, I am tired of the excuses and I am now at breaking point. I feel embarrassed that at 30 years old and 3 kids later I am still calling him my partner. Everyone I know is married and I feel as if my life is not complete somehow. Everytime I mention marriage, he says he wants to but there is always an excuse as to why it can't be soon.

 

We had eventually set a date for 1st March this year which I was really pleased about. He works away at sea and is due home Feb 16th. I told him before he left at the beginning of Jan that we would need to give our notice before he went back to work because there would not be 15 clear days notice by the time he gets back. After reserving the day, it has now had to be cancelled as he seemed to think of excuses every day for not going to give notice of marriage. Now I have suggested that we change it to the 5th instead to allow the notice period, he says he really wants to wait until he loses some weight first.

 

We have argued over the last few days about it as I feel I have been lied to and he says I don't understand what it's like to want to lose weight for the wedding because I don't have to. I disagree. I love him regardless of his size and think the day should be about more than his vanity.

 

I am thinking of giving him an altimatum and telling him that if he doesn't agree to get married during his next leave as planned then it is over.

 

I know to some people that marriage isn't important but it is to me. It just feels like the most natural thing in the world and the next obvious step. I feel like our relationship is frozen in time and that I can't move forward or feel complete without us being married.

 

I would really appreciate some advice and to get some other opinions.

 

Many thanks in advance.

[carhill]

Hi, welcome to LS.

 

Under certain jurisdictions, your relationship may already be a legal marriage:

 

STATES THAT RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE:

Only a few states recognize common law marriages: Alabama

Colorado

Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)

Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)

Iowa

Kansas

Montana

New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)

Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)

Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma's laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)

Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)

Rhode Island

South Carolina

Texas

Utah

Washington, D.C.

 

 

 

 

If you live in any of the above jurisdictions, research more on that nuance. If not, and your BF keeps giving you excuses, take legal steps to solidify your safety and security as well as that of your children. You can't 'make' him marry you but you can proactively create the lawful arrangement of marriage in the absence of a marriage license.

 

 

 

He's got the cow, calves and milk, so, for him, he has what he wants. You and he made choices along the way to create that dynamic. Now is the time to own your part in that and move forward. Good luck

[kjh81]

Hi, welcome to LS.

 

Under certain jurisdictions, your relationship may already be a legal marriage:

 

STATES THAT RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE:

Only a few states recognize common law marriages: Alabama

Colorado

Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)

Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)

Iowa

Kansas

Montana

New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)

Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)

Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma's laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)

Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)

Rhode Island

South Carolina

Texas

Utah

Washington, D.C.

 

 

 

 

If you live in any of the above jurisdictions, research more on that nuance. If not, and your BF keeps giving you excuses, take legal steps to solidify your safety and security as well as that of your children. You can't 'make' him marry you but you can proactively create the lawful arrangement of marriage in the absence of a marriage license.

 

 

 

He's got the cow, calves and milk, so, for him, he has what he wants. You and he made choices along the way to create that dynamic. Now is the time to own your part in that and move forward. Good luck

 

 

I live in the UK so here you need to go to an office and give notice of your intended marriage which must be at least 15 days later.

 

You are right when you say I can't make him marry me but I'm not sure I want to stay in a relationship where my partner does not seem to want them same things as me.

[carhill]

My apologies as I missed your location in your profile. In the UK, apparently, there are limited legal rights for people who choose to cohabit in an unmarried state. IMO, the primary concern would be for the continued safety and security for the resultant children if you chose to act on his de-facto refusal to proceed with marriage.

 

What do you see as your options here? What kind of support network do you have, e.g. family, friends, etc.? IMO, there's no substitute for real-life advice and support from people who know and love you. Any perspective from them? If so, how do you receive it? Is it matching up with your feelings or are you ambivalent?

 

Lastly, IMO it's healthy to examine exactly why you are feeling his lack of movement to marry is being experienced in a negative way. Save for the signature on the license/document, you are 'married', with children. The continuity of commitment, security and support shows it. Have you, or can you, discuss the 'why' in a calm way with him and accept the response?

 

When you say 'on leave', does this mean he is deployed in the military?

[TigerCub]

Hey KjH81,

 

I read your story and I have a few questions for you:

 

I understand that marriage is important to you, but what do you think would change if you did get married, how would it make things better?

 

Other than the marriage issue, are things with you partner good? Can you talk about anything, do you feel like he's supportive and is a good father? Do you guys still have a good sex life?

What I'm asking, I guess, is the marriage issue the only really big cause of arguments between you and your partner?

 

I know that its a personal opinion, and to me if I was with someone for 8+ years and we had kids together, I guess he would be my "husband", with or without the legal papers. But I understand that you want this badly..

 

but it seems rather odd, that if almost everything else is good between you and your partner, that you would give the ultimatum to walk away.

the "marry me or its over" ultimatum seems odd if everything else is going good.

 

Good luck

[kjh81]

My apologies as I missed your location in your profile. In the UK, apparently, there are limited legal rights for people who choose to cohabit in an unmarried state. IMO, the primary concern would be for the continued safety and security for the resultant children if you chose to act on his de-facto refusal to proceed with marriage.

 

What do you see as your options here? What kind of support network do you have, e.g. family, friends, etc.? IMO, there's no substitute for real-life advice and support from people who know and love you. Any perspective from them? If so, how do you receive it? Is it matching up with your feelings or are you ambivalent?

 

Lastly, IMO it's healthy to examine exactly why you are feeling his lack of movement to marry is being experienced in a negative way. Save for the signature on the license/document, you are 'married', with children. The continuity of commitment, security and support shows it. Have you, or can you, discuss the 'why' in a calm way with him and accept the response?

 

When you say 'on leave', does this mean he is deployed in the military?

 

 

There are very few rights when you are living together in the UK. For example, if he were to die his life insurance goes to the kids, leaving me with no security. Also, I have no rights to make funeral arrangements, that would be his parents by law. If he were even in hospital, I have no say over his care. Not that I want any of that to happen but it leaves me feeling insecure knowing I have no rights. That is of course just the practical side to getting married. I also want to get married as it's an institution that I beleive in. My parents have been married for over 30 years and have a good, strong relationship.

 

I have wanted to get married for a very long time. I feel I have always listened to his responses. He said we couldn't afford it so we waited until we were financially stable. I am from Scotland and he said he didn't want to get married there as he is from Wales. We have now moved to Wales, so problem solved. Everytime an issue he has is resolved, he comes up with another.

 

I think nearly 8 years in, I have been very patient. The problem is, I have now run out. I am tired of waiting, wondering if it's ever going to happen. All the while I am getting older, wasting more of my life waiting for him to make the final seal on our relationship.

 

I don't want to lose him but I am not prepared to hang around forever.

 

He works in the Merchant Navy and works away for 6 weeks at a time and home for 3.

[kjh81]

Hey KjH81,

 

I read your story and I have a few questions for you:

 

I understand that marriage is important to you, but what do you think would change if you did get married, how would it make things better?

 

Other than the marriage issue, are things with you partner good? Can you talk about anything, do you feel like he's supportive and is a good father? Do you guys still have a good sex life?

What I'm asking, I guess, is the marriage issue the only really big cause of arguments between you and your partner?

 

I know that its a personal opinion, and to me if I was with someone for 8+ years and we had kids together, I guess he would be my "husband", with or without the legal papers. But I understand that you want this badly..

 

but it seems rather odd, that if almost everything else is good between you and your partner, that you would give the ultimatum to walk away.

the "marry me or its over" ultimatum seems odd if everything else is going good.

 

Good luck

 

Yes we do have a good relationship. We hardly ever argue, sex life is good, he is a good Dad and provides for the family. I love him with all my heart and I know he feels the same about me.

 

It is difficult for me to explain why I want it so badly but as I said in response to another post I have no legal rights when I am unmarried. I feel embarrassed every time I get asked my name and they assume the childrens surnames are the same as mine because they assume I am married. I feel that after so long it is a natural progression and that even though I love him deeply, I can't go on with the relationship feeling the way I do. As I have said, I feel like our relationship is stuck somehow. Like I am at a crossroads and I need to be married to feel like our relationship is complete.

 

At the end of the day, it's not just a piece of paper to me. Being married tells the world you are together and committed. Even though we live as if we are married, he is still not my husband. We don't share the same surname, him and the 3 kids do. Getting up in front of friends and family and declaring your feelings for eachother is very important to me and I can't keep putting it off to suit him.

[carhill]

'I'm concerned about my safety and security, as well as that of the children, should something happen to you. We've been really fortunate so far. How do you feel about discussing the particulars since you apparently feel marriage is inappropriate at this time?'

 

I'd cover power of attorney, titling any real estate appropriately, and the process to enable you to legally manage his life insurance benefits for the family should the unthinkable occur. That would be a good start. These, amongst others, are normal family issues that any man faces. A marriage license might simplify things, but that is apparently something he currently wishes to defer. OK. Let's move on this other stuff. No weight loss necessary

 

Myself, I'd use this discussion and process to learn my rights and responsibilities should my partner choose not to cooperate and abrogate my boundaries and/or timeline, causing me to leave the relationship. To me, this is win-win. The family is the beneficiary in either case. The partner owns their responsibility.

 

Be aware taking proactive steps will likely cause discomfort and responses of anger. This is normal. People don't like having their routines upset. Accept it. This is all part of asserting your own boundaries. Move forward and let things take their course.

 

This perspective provided by someone on the other side of legal divorce, having faced the process and dealt with the pain and losses. Life does go on. I prefer to see families survive intact, but not at the altar of either partner. Only you know the what, how and when.

[TigerCub]

Yes we do have a good relationship. We hardly ever argue, sex life is good, he is a good Dad and provides for the family. I love him with all my heart and I know he feels the same about me.

 

It is difficult for me to explain why I want it so badly but as I said in response to another post I have no legal rights when I am unmarried. I feel embarrassed every time I get asked my name and they assume the childrens surnames are the same as mine because they assume I am married. I feel that after so long it is a natural progression and that even though I love him deeply, I can't go on with the relationship feeling the way I do. As I have said, I feel like our relationship is stuck somehow. Like I am at a crossroads and I need to be married to feel like our relationship is complete.

 

At the end of the day, it's not just a piece of paper to me. Being married tells the world you are together and committed. Even though we live as if we are married, he is still not my husband. We don't share the same surname, him and the 3 kids do. Getting up in front of friends and family and declaring your feelings for eachother is very important to me and I can't keep putting it off to suit him.

 

Thanks for the reply. I understand your perspective better.

I think that Carhill has awesome advice for you.

 

Good luck