In love with a cheating woman.

[teddytim1]

I've been separated 6 months. I never cheated while married. I despise the concept. I chose to stay in the marriage till the girls were in college. After the wife moved out I started looking at dating sites and met a wonderful woman. She told me up front she was married and wanted a discrete relationship even though her husband knew what she was doing. She still didn't want to throw it in his face. After some time we really hit it off and are very happy together. She is now filing for divorce and we are talking of marriage.

 

She conscientiously made the decision to cheat on her husband 10 years ago and has had over ten men sexually. Three of these were long term affairs with married men and the rest were short or one niters. She said her husband did not fulfill her physically, intellectually, or emotionally. They have little in common and basically just share a house. She did not tell him for the first five years until she caught herpes and had to tell him. She also then told him she was going to contiue these interludes and he excepted it. She did however still have periodic sex with him and said it did nothing for her. She did not feel secure enough in herself to leave him and they both excepted that.

 

Her belief was that there was no one man that could satisfy her on all her needs. When she met me we hit it off and she says that I do fulfill all her needs, physically, intellectually, sexually, friendship, the works. She says she has stopped looking online for men and that she wants to devote herself to me. I love her very much and we do great in every area of life. There is nothing we can’t discuss except she does not see the benefit of going through the details of her affairs and said some of them she can’t even remember their names. This absolutely shocks and disgusts me.

 

I have the following fears and concerns. First, I don't respect the concept of separating love and sex and can not see how she did this. I hate the infidelity of her past, and I fear her doing this to me. I am currently driving her crazy feeling jealous about every encounter she has with another man. She met one, a week after I went away to a business issue in a different state. She told me about it and said it was just about seeing a friend. She had been seeing different men for sex, and then others for intellectual conversation, and still others for friendship. The one she went to see while dating me was a "friendship" man that she says all they did was talk about me.

 

My values and morals are very strong and I question seriously why I went to see her in the first place except I didn’t expect anything to come of it. I never thought I would hit it off so strongly with her. I thought I was just learning how to date again. We can talk for hours and never tire of each other, the sex is great, we both love jazz, travel, and the arts. I don’t want to lose her, but I am honestly scared of being the next husband to cheat on and this fear of betrayal is causing us severe jealousy pains. Can a person really separate all those parts of a relationship or is that an excuse? Can a person really go for so long dating just for sex and not fall back into that behavior? She says I am the best lover she has ever had and that she doesn’t want anyone else and that she has always wanted all these things with one man but did believe it was possible.

 

Should I trust this relationship? She has never lied to me, and if I ask, she tells me everything I ask about.

[dyermaker]

I don't paticularly trust her, and would be wary of investing my emotions in her.

 

She's cheated a bajillion times, and reconciled that it's okay to cheat within herself. Everyone creates boundaries for themselves, and then uses those boundaries as assesments of the relationship. She's made her own rules--that if her needs are not satisfied, she can fulfill them elsewhere.

 

Right now you're fulfilling em, so you got nothing to worry about. But I suspect one of her needs is the thrill of infidelity, the clandestine e-relationships, the excitement and naughtiness of betrayal. You can't provide that if you're the target of future betrayals.

 

I dunno, I'm not qualified to assess your love, but I think it's naive to assume that your strong morals can change a loose woman, however willing she may beguile you into believing.

[faux]

You are against what she has done and are fearful for good reason. She could very well be lying to you. I would not place much in this relationship, unless you are simply expecting to get lied to a lot and have fun in the bedroom. How could you think for a moment she will not go behind your back, or leave you for some new fling?

 

 

Or as a good friend of mine would phrase it:

 

Dude, if you end up staying with this chick she's just going to cheat on you down the line. Sure, for the first week, or month, or maybe three months or however long it'll last if you're lucky it'll be fine, but then she'll go out and find some other dude to screw around with behind your back.

 

You already don't approve of what this girl's done, I mean damn she's cheated on her husband. Do you really want a woman like that? Why waste your freaking time on this broad? Trust me, man. They're all evil. Every single one. The relationship is going to end up in the bed a lot but trust me, that's as far as it will go.

 

She is telling you you're the best lover she's ever had and all this other bull crap every guy she's boned has heard a million times before. Trust me, brother, and use her and lose her.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by teddytim1

I never cheated while married. I despise the concept.

 

So why are you involved with a woman who's the poster-child for cheating, if "cheating" is a concept you despise?

 

 

 

She told me up front she was married and wanted a discrete relationship even though her husband knew what she was doing.

 

Wow, she sounds like a really quality woman. Not.

 

 

She still didn't want to throw it in his face.

 

How big and compassionate of her.

 

 

She conscientiously made the decision to cheat on her husband 10 years ago and has had over ten men sexually. Three of these were long term affairs with married men and the rest were short or one niters.

 

What a nice wife....to have devoted the past 10 years of her marriage to "whoring" around. Um, didn't you say that you despised cheating? So again, what would attract you to an obvious serial cheater? HELLO?

 

She said her husband did not fulfill her physically, intellectually, or emotionally. They have little in common and basically just share a house.

 

Awww, poor dear. It never occured to her to DIVORCE THE POOR GUY if her needs weren't being met, as opposed to being the village bicycle behind his back??

 

She did not tell him for the first five years until she caught herpes and had to tell him.

 

Now that's rich. I wonder what else she may have caught? She obviously didn't practice very safe sex, so could she have Hepatitis B? HIV? Genital Warts?

 

 

She also then told him she was going to contiue these interludes and he excepted it.

 

Read what you're writing here. This is a woman who was married, yet was cheating all the while, caught a non-curable sexually transmitted disease (that you're likely to catch from her, if you haven't already), and she had the audacity to tell her poor husband that she was STILL going to continue cheating on him? What kind of character does she exude? Or integrity? Or honor? Is this the kind of behavior you'd want directed toward you? How can you respect some a ho?

 

 

 

Oh god, cry me a river. Just remember...what she's told you and what the actual TRUTH is, are very likely 2 different stories. It's entirely possible that she kept her promiscuity a secret from her husband altogether, despite telling you she was open about being a walking mattress.

 

Her belief was that there was no one man that could satisfy her on all her needs. When she met me we hit it off and she says that I do fulfill all her needs, physically, intellectually, sexually, friendship, the works.

 

 

Wakey wakey! I'm sure in the beginning of her relationship with her HUSBAND, he met all of her needs, I mean..she DID go onto marry him. So who's to say things with you would be any different? You are setting yourself up for exactly what her husband has gone through.

 

 

She says she has stopped looking online for men and that she wants to devote herself to me.

 

 

Yeah, right. And pigs can fly. She has an undisputed, lengthy history of being a selfish cow who's slept around, apparently very "openly" within her marriage. Yet you're the cat's arse and you're going to be the reason she suddenly makes a good woman of herself? I sincerely doubt it. I think you're both delusional. She'll be true to you ONLY until things get boring for her.

 

 

My values and morals are very strong

 

How can that be? You're in an affair with a serial cheater, who's still legally and technically married. You're with someone who's demonstrated a total disrespect and disregard for the commitment that was supposed to exist in her marriage. If you really DID have strong values and morals, you wouldn't be mixed up with this hooch.

 

Sorry, dude...but you're actions contradict your words and you're setting yourself up for exactly what her husband had to live through (and still does). Wake up!

[zarathustra]

Should I trust this relationship? She has never lied to me, and if I ask, she tells me everything I ask about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Go for it. The sex is great and your interests converge. Life is short...

[sami]

Well, if you are ready for a series of encounters with or without your knowledge you will be OK. If not, better to look somewhere for some one else who does not seperate love from sex or use that as an EXCUSE.

[Fritz]

Can't add much except I agree with befuddled and faux. She's still married or "filing for divorce" (sounds awfully like a line to me to keep you around..she's had a decade of experience in this sort of thing ya know..) and you are also still technically married. Don't jump into something so serious so fast after your own marriage ending. I certainly wouldn't trust her based on her history. Also, are you able to handle that she's got a serious STD? While I like to think love can conquer all.. your morals and hers (however she justified them) are vastly apart from each other.

[fredrolin]

I think you subconsciously are excited by her "wild" lifestyle.

 

Something keeps a man with "very strong morals and values" running back to this mess of a woman.

[zarathustra]

I think you subconsciously are excited by her "wild" lifestyle.

 

I don't believe there's anything remotely "subconscious" about this attraction. The lure of the wild...

[reservoirdog1]

I see two options for you.

 

1) Run like hell. She'll only stay faithful as long as you're fulfilling her needs. As soon as that stops, she won't try to work on it with you -- she'll cheat on you, and break your heart.

 

2) Enjoy it while it lasts, knowing that it won't. And while you're enjoying it, make sure you play it safe, emotionally and sexually.

 

Both of these translate into, "I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her." That's not to say you can't stay with her. But, while you hope for the best, expect the worst.

 

Her belief was that there was no one man that could satisfy her on all her needs.

 

She's indicated that this has changed since she met you. I'll bet you're not the first guy she's used that line on.

[zarathustra]

I see two options for you.

 

1) Run like hell. She'll only stay faithful as long as you're fulfilling her needs. As soon as that stops, she won't try to work on it with you -- she'll cheat on you, and break your heart.

 

2) Enjoy it while it lasts, knowing that it won't. And while you're enjoying it, make sure you play it safe, emotionally and sexually.

 

Both of these translate into, "I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her." That's not to say you can't stay with her. But, while you hope for the best, expect the worst.

 

 

Great post! Personally, I'd go for what's behind Door No. 2, all the while knowing that this is a sexual interlude, not a serious relationship. She does sound like she'd be fun--carnally speaking.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by zarathustra

Great post! Personally, I'd go for what's behind Door No. 2, all the while knowing that this is a sexual interlude, not a serious relationship. She does sound like she'd be fun--carnally speaking.

 

Yeah, I'm sure getting Herpes and a whole host of other STDs that she very likely might have would be a rockin' good time.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by faux

You are against what she has done and are fearful for good reason. She could very well be lying to you. I would not place much in this relationship, unless you are simply expecting to get lied to a lot and have fun in the bedroom. How could you think for a moment she will not go behind your back, or leave you for some new fling?

 

 

Or as a good friend of mine would phrase it:

 

Dude, if you end up staying with this chick she's just going to cheat on you down the line. Sure, for the first week, or month, or maybe three months or however long it'll last if you're lucky it'll be fine, but then she'll go out and find some other dude to screw around with behind your back.

 

You already don't approve of what this girl's done, I mean damn she's cheated on her husband. Do you really want a woman like that? Why waste your freaking time on this broad? Trust me, man. They're all evil. Every single one. The relationship is going to end up in the bed a lot but trust me, that's as far as it will go.

 

She is telling you you're the best lover she's ever had and all this other bull crap every guy she's boned has heard a million times before. Trust me, brother, and use her and lose her.

 

ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

If this doesn't sum it up, I don't know what does.

 

HEL-Freakin'-O!!!!!!!!!

[teddytim1]

OK, I hear the standard response and I realize how and where it is coming from. Just for a moment, let's assume I am not a total idiot. Let's for one moment give me the credit for not being born yesterday. I see and understand her background. I have done a great deal of reading about what causes a woman [or a man] to feel incomplete in a relationship and then to wander outside of it. I also know that regardless how it sounds, she and her husband do have a respectful relationship. Hell, she isn't the only one working the field, he is also and he also is marrying someone else. Let's then stop and ask ourselves, if marriage were redefined as a safe place from which to date and experience new people, and not a standard marriage, as it has been so in this couple lives for many many years, how many is too many? Over a ten year period, if single, how many people would I date, and how many would I end up having sex with, and how many of these could I expect to become lasting, bonding relationships? So yes, I just changed the definition of marriage folks, now it is only, in their case, a safe haven and a house, OK, and an occasional screw. If both people agree to that definition, and they do, how say you now. And yes, there is a lot of room in this situation for interpretation, but hell, open the box, get out of it, and look at it from all angles. So far all I've seen here is doom and gloom. There have got to be some open minded people out there.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by teddytim1

OK, I hear the standard response and I realize how and where it is coming from. Just for a moment, let's assume I am not a total idiot. Let's for one moment give me the credit for not being born yesterday. I see and understand her background. I have done a great deal of reading about what causes a woman [or a man] to feel incomplete in a relationship and then to wander outside of it. I also know that regardless how it sounds, she and her husband do have a respectful relationship. Hell, she isn't the only one working the field, he is also and he also is marrying someone else. Let's then stop and ask ourselves, if marriage were redefined as a safe place from which to date and experience new people, and not a standard marriage, as it has been so in this couple lives for many many years, how many is too many? Over a ten year period, if single, how many people would I date, and how many would I end up having sex with, and how many of these could I expect to become lasting, bonding relationships? So yes, I just changed the definition of marriage folks, now it is only, in their case, a safe haven and a house, OK, and an occasional screw. If both people agree to that definition, and they do, how say you now. And yes, there is a lot of room in this situation for interpretation, but hell, open the box, get out of it, and look at it from all angles. So far all I've seen here is doom and gloom. There have got to be some open minded people out there.

 

Bla bla bla. So if you've found a convenient little way to justify her trashy behavior these past 10 yrs of her marriage, and you can reconcile that all.....what is it that you're here looking for?

 

Interesting, I find, that nowhere in your FIRST POST did you make any mention of this supposed "open marriage" of theirs. None of this stuff about a "safe place to date and experience new people, and not a standard marriage." So now you're mentioning all this. How intriguing.

 

Buddy, you're alright being with a woman who didn't respect her marriage vows all because her "needs" weren't met (yet is still MARRIED to the guy)......and you don't mind the fact that she's got a gift that never goes away (Herpes) and who knows what else (as safe sex hasn't exactly been her mantra), and despite your *cough cough* "strong values and morals" you dig her, then what did you come here seeking advice for? Seems like you're set, your mind is made up and you 2 deserve each other. Rock on.

[befuddled11]

In addition to the fact that you're trying to assure us that you're an intelligent man, and that your lover's behavior isn't all that bad, because of this "open marriage" she has/remains in.......so then why is the title of your post, "In love with a cheating woman"? If you're able to justify and excuse her promiscuity, citing that it was a mutual thing in her marriage (that hubby supposedly cheated too), and that they had some kind of "agreement" to date and experience others.....then why did you describe her as a "cheating woman"? That's just a tad contradictory, wouldn't you say?

[reservoirdog1]

Sorry dude, you're just setting yourself up for responses you aren't expecting to get when you omit big chunks of data.

 

So all of a sudden it was an "open" marriage? Okay, let's give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that's what it really was for the last five years, and that she's NOT feeding you a line to make herself seem less selfish than she is. Even so, clearly it wasn't an open marriage (in both partners' minds) until after she'd already cheated on him repeatedly and given him herpes. Frankly, by that time, the poor son of a bitch was probably so broken by all the revelations she'd handed him that he saw no emotional alternative but to stay with her and accept that she couldn't keep her legs together. Hell, at least he was getting laid out of the deal.

 

You're going to do what you're going to do. I get the sense that you were hoping we'd all tell you that you were worrying about nothing. Well, sorry, but you're not. You've got a lot to worry about. I call them like I see them. I'd be worried. Her husband should've kicked her ass to the curb five years ago.

 

You can marry her if you want. But the advice you've received here today is free. And by following it, I'll bet you a pound to a pinch of sh*t that you'll save yourself a lot of money and a hell of a lot of heartache.

 

You've told us that her past actions disgust you, and that you don't like to separate love and sex. Clearly she doesn't have these feelings in common with you. All the hours of talk about jazz or travel ain't gonna change that.

 

Good luck. You're gonna need it.

[Fritz]

So she had an open marriage for the last five years now...then you aren't exactly in love with a "cheater" or at least not one who is cheating right now. So they were a "safe haven" for each other, five years is a long time to keep a crutch. If I was that guy I'd be playing the field too (course one really has to ask..5 years to get a divorce?? Hate to see his therapy bill/bar tab). Just be wary of what you're getting into, so soon after your own divorce.

[Rockstar]

We all have a freakin past. Big deal. She is asking someone that she loves, and loves her, for a second chance at love. Give it to her. She wants you and it is obvious you want her. Why do you even ask these people on here for advice? Do you really need reassurance from people who have been cheated on? What do you think they are going to say?

 

life IS short - have FUN!

[teddytim1]

thx