Got my second chance...BUT....

[flow15]

Meh...our ex's sounds like twins lol

 

Mine also said he just wanted to be on his own (ie freedom)....he just couldnt be bothered to sort anything out, it was all too much of an effort.

Here is my take on it....they treat us like gold, do everything for us, try and make us happy, but when something goes wrong and perhaps we get ****ty at something or if we have an argument they just feel like giving up because they spend so much time trying to make us happy and then we get ****ty at things.. they say to themselves ' why do I bother anymore, this is all too much' and they make a rash decision and just give up and walk away as it all gets overwhelming for them. But we are women for godsake, we are going to have our '****ty moments'..its going to be no different with any other woman they are with...perhaps even worse.

 

I'm the one who reached out to my ex last time and asked for another chance....this time he would need to move mountains to get me back....but you know what? He is too lazy to move mountains, he wont be bothered to move mountains, instead he will go on living his miserable life and maybe one day he will meet someone else, but in the back of his mind she will never compare to me (Im hoping this is the case)

 

Flow....they will move mountains for the right girl, and they will be bothered for the right girl, maybe we just arent the right ones for them? I know they love us to death almost, but why is it they cant be bothered? Why is it theyre willing to lose us? Do they think that we love them so much that we will never find anyone else and be there for them always?

 

Well its time to turn the freakin tables on him....I'm going to show him that I dont need him and that I wont be waiting around...either he gets a rocket up his ass and starts trying to mend this thing or he can kiss my ass and lose me forever..

can you tell I'm angry? lol

 

Well maybe thats what it is! Maybe we aren't the right girl for them. And maybe we think now that they are the one for us.... maybe in a few months time or however long it takes, we will realise that they weren't the right one for us.

 

I too think that my ex is too stubborn or just won't be bothered to move mountains for me. In that case... we should see they really aren't worth it!

[flow15]

Meh...our ex's sounds like twins lol

 

Mine also said he just wanted to be on his own (ie freedom)....he just couldnt be bothered to sort anything out, it was all too much of an effort.

Here is my take on it....they treat us like gold, do everything for us, try and make us happy, but when something goes wrong and perhaps we get ****ty at something or if we have an argument they just feel like giving up because they spend so much time trying to make us happy and then we get ****ty at things.. they say to themselves ' why do I bother anymore, this is all too much' and they make a rash decision and just give up and walk away as it all gets overwhelming for them. But we are women for godsake, we are going to have our '****ty moments'..its going to be no different with any other woman they are with...perhaps even worse.

 

I'm the one who reached out to my ex last time and asked for another chance....this time he would need to move mountains to get me back....but you know what? He is too lazy to move mountains, he wont be bothered to move mountains, instead he will go on living his miserable life and maybe one day he will meet someone else, but in the back of his mind she will never compare to me (Im hoping this is the case)

 

Flow....they will move mountains for the right girl, and they will be bothered for the right girl, maybe we just arent the right ones for them? I know they love us to death almost, but why is it they cant be bothered? Why is it theyre willing to lose us? Do they think that we love them so much that we will never find anyone else and be there for them always?

 

Well its time to turn the freakin tables on him....I'm going to show him that I dont need him and that I wont be waiting around...either he gets a rocket up his ass and starts trying to mend this thing or he can kiss my ass and lose me forever..

can you tell I'm angry? lol

 

Well maybe thats what it is! Maybe we aren't the right girl for them. And maybe we think now that they are the one for us.... maybe in a few months time or however long it takes, we will realise that they weren't the right one for us.

 

I too think that my ex is too stubborn or just won't be bothered to move mountains for me. In that case... we should see they really aren't worth it!

 

Its good that you feel angry! Better than feeling sad! Although there will be days when u feel sad again.... But with time it will get better.

[flow15]

Mine too posted twice!! But I added something onto the second one. When I posted the first one I thought it didnt send! Must be something wrong with the forum

[Shatter3d]

Can I ask you a couple of questions?

 

1. How long were u together?
   
2. When he broke up with you all those times were you the one who initiated the reconcilliation or was it him?
   
3. If it was him, how long did it take for him to approach you?
   

[flow15]

Can I ask you a couple of questions?

 

1. How long were u together?
   
2. When he broke up with you all those times were you the one who initiated the reconcilliation or was it him?
   
3. If it was him, how long did it take for him to approach you?
   

 

Ok I'll summarize our realtionship to u....

We met in september 09 and he pursued me, I didnt want a relationship as it was my last year at uni and he said he didnt do relationships but he really liked me and wanted to be with me, so i took a chance and we started going out. and it was the best drecision i made, or so i thought, cos he treated me like a queen, everything was so amazing, and neither of us had ever been happier.

 

However it got to 6 months and arguments started to creep upomainly because we got to a point where we were spending too much time together, his friends began to complain to him, I got upset cos things changed and i felt like i was losing him....and for different reasons we began to argue quite a bit.

 

So he said we needed to take a break from one another as we were taking eachother for granted. I agreed and didnt think it was healthy for us to be spending so much time together. He said he wanted a break, but then ended up breaking up with me.. but literally 2 days later he said he missed me and had made a mistake and begged for me back (so he came back this time).

 

We got back together but 2 months after that nothing had really changed, we were still arguing mainly because of stress (we were both doing our final exams and I was upset about the previous break up because basically there was some drama about a girl telling me he had kissed her in those 2 days we were apart)

 

So he ended it, this time for good. Or so I thought! I was devastated, made all the usual mistakes.. crying to him, begging him... eventually i accepted it and we kept in touch. After we broke up we were talking nearly every dya, he was telling he missed me and still loved me but that he just couldnt be in a relationship.... and i just couldnt move on. but 2 months later he said he wanted to try again... in those two months however i was always telling him how i missed him and asking why cant we be together. but he was the one that eventually said (2months later) that he wanted to try again. (August) I went to stay with him for 2 weeks (we went to university together but he lives in a different home country to me) and we didn't really discuss our issues, and arguments crept up again I was still very upset about how he could just walk away from me, etc.. We still had an amazing time, but at the end of the 2 weeks he said that we argued a lot and that he just couldnt do a relationship, and this was the end for us.

 

So I went NC, for 3 months. (when I found this website and realized if i want him back, or if i want to heal and move on i have to go NC) In these 3 months i started seeing someone else, I wasn't rly interested in him as i still loved my ex, and i realized i wasnt over him. so i ended things with this guy, but i didnt contact my ex. I think he contacted me once or twice just to see how i was but that was it.

 

We bumped into eachother in November, and it was so nice, we hugged and we were so happy to see eachother. he broke down, said he still loved me, missed me, dreamt about me, didnt have this connection with any other girl... I was in complete shock, as I thought he ended it because he didnt love me! But he still said he couldnt be in a relationship as he was rly happy with his freedom...!! Which obviously rly anoyed me! I had made quite a lot of progess and after seeing him felt i had gone back to square !

 

Anyway since November we were talking nearly every day, some times discussing about how to make it work.. but he was always saying i dont know... i dont want a rleationship.... etc. And I was always asking him why cant we b together if u still love me?!

 

Then 3 weeks ago he said he wanted to give it another try, and if it doesnt work we have to move on.

So this is the story u know.... I went to see him for a day, we had a nice time, watched a movie, hung out with his friends for a bit.. he played me this song he wrote for me. The next day I asked him if he was having second thoughts still and he said no, but when we were hanging with his friends he said he felt uncomfortable and felt he couldnt be himself, and he said he felt pressure, that he felt he couldnt play poker or play station or smoke weed without upsetting me, and I said, any other day I wouldnt care if u do that, but this is our first day together 'trying to make it work' and i wanted it to be special. Anyway when i left he said, lets try to find solutions how to make it work.... So a day later we talk and he tells me that he realized he just cant do relationships, that its not my fault, but he loves his freedom, hes in his last year at uni and just wants to enjoy himself and not have to worry about anyone else.

 

And I asked him, how can i move on, how can i walk away if u always come back in the past... and he said this time he wont.

 

So u see, when i went NC he still came back, when i pursued him he still came back... Although had we not bumped into eachother in november i dont know if all of this would have happened. But i believe in fate. I just think, it all depends on the person, everyone is different... and the best way for u to heal is to be NC.

Edited February 3, 2011 by flow15

[Shatter3d]

Ok..just another quick question.. Did you ever get angry with him or ****ty with him for spending time with his friends or smoking weed whilst you were in a relationship? To me it seems he is too afraid to be himself around you. Like he has to walk on eggshells around you in case he upsets you or something...this is why he likes to be on his own because then he doesnt have to disappoint anyone... I could be completely wrong, but just my take on the situation.

 

He sounds like he REALLY loves you alot. And I think there could possibly be a future, but perhaps you guys need councelling or something?

 

Sometimes I would get upset with my ex if he had to work late or came home late from his mates house....I think this caused him to get very nervous with everything he did around me and wanted to tread lightly in case he upset me again. No-one can live like this....he did once say to me that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. He often agree's with everything I say just to 'keep the peace'. I'm not sure how to ever make him feel like he doesnt have to walk on eggshells around me anymore...but it just feels like he is nervous around me all the time and there is no need to be like this.

 

*sigh* why cant they just come back to us and love us forever?

[flow15]

Ok..just another quick question.. Did you ever get angry with him or ****ty with him for spending time with his friends or smoking weed whilst you were in a relationship? To me it seems he is too afraid to be himself around you. Like he has to walk on eggshells around you in case he upsets you or something...this is why he likes to be on his own because then he doesnt have to disappoint anyone... I could be completely wrong, but just my take on the situation.

 

He sounds like he REALLY loves you alot. And I think there could possibly be a future, but perhaps you guys need councelling or something?

 

Sometimes I would get upset with my ex if he had to work late or came home late from his mates house....I think this caused him to get very nervous with everything he did around me and wanted to tread lightly in case he upset me again. No-one can live like this....he did once say to me that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. He often agree's with everything I say just to 'keep the peace'. I'm not sure how to ever make him feel like he doesnt have to walk on eggshells around me anymore...but it just feels like he is nervous around me all the time and there is no need to be like this.

 

*sigh* why cant they just come back to us and love us forever?

 

When we were together I didn't mind him smoking weed... the only time I didn't like it was when we were going to be spending time together and he was stoned and when hes stoned he acts like i dont exist, hes sooo off with me. Which of course any girl doesnt like. I wouldn't mind him being stoned every now and then, but the first day we were giving it a go i didnt want him to be stoned, because what would have been the point in going all the way to see him if he was gonna ignore me?!

 

And i never got upset with him being with his friends, i encouraged it at the begining cos he always wanted to be with me... although when he changed and started spending more time with them than with me, it upset me purely because i could sense that he had changed and i felt like i was losing him and what we had.

 

Maybe he thought i just didnt like him being with his friends.

I just think, that day i went to see him when we were going to make things work, i thought it would just be about us... but i had to sit and watch them play on the play station and then watch them smoke weed... and it was a bit annoying. Any other day I wouldn't care, its just i wanted that day to be special... and maybe he just thought it would always be like that. But i think its more than that, he just doesnt want a relationship, no matter how much he loves me. I dont see there being a future.

[flow15]

I broke NC.... I;m such a loser... I didn't say anything, just sent him a link to a website i knew would interest him. He hasn't said anything and we're both online.. its so weird!

A guy I met before my ex asked for me back, started txting me today asking if i wanna go out for a drink with him, I know I should go to help me move on... but I just can't help wishing it was my ex texting me!!!

 

I hope we get through this soon

[0hpenelope]

I broke NC.... I;m such a loser... I didn't say anything, just sent him a link to a website i knew would interest him. He hasn't said anything and we're both online.. its so weird!

A guy I met before my ex asked for me back, started txting me today asking if i wanna go out for a drink with him, I know I should go to help me move on... but I just can't help wishing it was my ex texting me!!!

 

I hope we get through this soon

Whoa, your ex asked for you back?

[IfiKnewThen]

shatter3d..

 

i think you hit the nail on the head but do NOT blame yourself. they become passive aggressive (google it seriously) when they feel like they are walking on eggshells. they hate confrontation and even if youre not about to give them confrontation...they feel like they had encountered enough of it with you that they tell you what you want to hear and then do what they want till the leave you. or do what you want till they resent you and leave you. i dont say this is a flaw with you. its not..we woman can say things in a way that they misinterpret or maybe we really need to chill...but either way its really up to them to overcome their fears and voice to us how they feel so we can adequately work it out with them. its a mutual thing really and them running away is not the answer . but anyway while we are apart from those we love and there is this break up..its always a good idea to take stock but not be hard on ourselves. when guys are young and girls too they do go thru that "GIGS" things.

 

the bottom line is while in the relationship to listen more and get them to communicate...without..shoving it down their throats of course and to not mother them (they are so sensitive and interpret a lot like this ) and let them know they make you happy to keep them going. they hate complaining all the time. anyway not that anybody does that here. but i HAVE done this and the results werent favorable. so we live and learn. thats all i could do. it just sucks to not get any real heads up and it feels so out of the blue. they prepare themselves to leave and you are left unprepared to even take in anything thats happening. its not fair. and even tragic when there is lack of honest communication with them.

[flow15]

Whoa, your ex asked for you back?

 

Noooo! Sorry I meant I met a guy one night before my ex asked for me back a few weeks ago, if u follow my story youl see my ex ended it again. A different guy has been txting me today and i wish it was my ex!!

[Shatter3d]

Flow - Dont worry, whats done is done. Whether he replies or not dont let it affect your progress....just go back to NC and keep strong. Honestly, from reading all your posts, the more space and time you give him the better, you need to disappear off the face of the earth and as alot of people on here say - give him the gift of missing you. He needs to grow up and unfortunately he needs to do this on his own...

 

IfiKnewThen - I'm definitely going to read up about passive-aggressive people. It's very hard not to blame myself though as I feel I probably pushed him away But when we got back the 2nd time I gave him no reason to ever feel like he was walking on eggshells. During our first break up I went to counselling etc and did alot of soul searching and actually changed for the better. When we got back together he even said he couldnt believe the difference in me. However I think he still had fears deep down and could never be totally comfortable with me. He was always on edge. The couple of times I did get upset about things he would say ' No other female would get upset about the things you do'...He seriously must think I'm an alien or something. Maybe he needs more experience with females to know that I'm not the only one who vents their feelings....I think he has alot of growing up to do and he cant do that while I'm with him.

 

I did feel like I was almost mothering him while we were together...not on purpose though. He is a mummy's boy and his mum comes to the rescue every time he is in crisis..whether it be financial or what not. He doesnt know how to stand on his own two feet and he is 37 years old. He also doesnt know how to stick up for himself, people walk all over him, but he is so passive and doesnt like confrontation that he will go with the flow. This is one thing I never liked about him...but all the good things outweighed all this. He has a heart of gold and have never met such a beautiful gentle loving man in all my life.

Edited February 4, 2011 by Shatter3d

[Shatter3d]

I have just read this article about passive-aggresive men and must say I'm in shock !! This is my Ex 100 % through and through.

 

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/226338/relationships_passiveaggressive_men.html?cat=41

[IfiKnewThen]

i am SO glad you looked that up. its a REAL bonifided syndrome. i read that article too once b4 and thought OMG this is him.

 

i mean the person who i am speaking of was the nicest person i EVER met in my life. he really got me. he understood me so well. he was accepting and sweet and respectful to his mom. goodhearted. the works. and i see now that i was too aggressive for him at the time. and i am deeply regretful now. i think i took things out on him that i was going thru...but he asked me to vent to him and he said things were always OK and he hung in there with me for a long time. i look back now and i know he was getting unhappy but good enough to hang in there. but bad because it didnt help matters. so in the beginning he did things for love . but unbeknownst to be me, he did have passive aggressive tenancies.

 

and kept secret thoughts and feelings and NEVER EVER discussed them and let things build in himself till it all feel apart. but yes i felt guilty because ...why did i ever make him feel miserable? he was so good. i was under extreme stress. long short...passive aggressive personalities say yes, yes yes and want to please but often mean no no no but do the yes thing anyway. then resentment builds. and they do what they want anyway.

 

 

quote However I think he still had fears deep down and could never be totally comfortable with me.

 

i relate to this a lot. and this....

 

He also doesnt know how to stick up for himself, people walk all over him, but he is so passive and doesnt like confrontation that he will go with the flow. This is one thing I never liked about him...but all the good things outweighed all this. He has a heart of gold and have never met such a beautiful gentle loving man in all my life.

 

he became a total stranger and got overly cold...in the end etc.

[IfiKnewThen]

did you read pages 2 and 3 also of the article? was an real eye opener. in the end i sent him that article..not to hurt him. but to let him know i now knew he had real trouble turning to me. he ended up agreeing but made a passive aggressive remark ironically...sighs..and then said my aggressiveness lead him to be this way. but looking back i see he was like this...with others....work, his family friends , etc...in not so noticeable ways..but it was there. of course my poor attitude at the time...made this worse. but i had no idea...how much he held in. i feel like i didnt know him at all because i always thought wow he loves me as he was beginning to feel otherwise. sorry i am sleepy right now i dont even know if my post makes any sense or how many typos i am making again. gotta get some sleep. anyway its interesting what we come to learn about things after the fact. would be so nice to have real genuine communication. not just yeah yeah yes yes. and then. adios

[IfiKnewThen]

ps the aggressive part of passive aggressive is how they get back at you. for me i dont think he just had self preservation...which he did. but he seemed like he enjoyed the shock factor of hurting me.

[Shatter3d]

Its sad isnt it But I'm going to try not to feel too guilty about this, becuase I am who I am and I cant change that.

 

By reading all of this about PA males, it seems like he isnt going to change and that it will always be the same...it will be too emotionally draining for me.

 

This makes me feel better in moving on. Although the other half of me wants to let him know what he has and try and help him through it....arghh

[Shatter3d]

I also feel like sending this article to him - but it wont get me anywhere...he needs to realise this for himself.

[IfiKnewThen]

yikes. well this doesnt have to be YOUR guy. he could just the the tenancies towards it...or not. but anyway...if you tell him this he will get upset. no one wants to be analyzed thats for sure. it will likely make matters worse. it didnt help me. was far too late. its best to let them know they are appreciated. (you cant do that now because he doesnt warrant to be appreciated now)

 

and its when your with the dating that when they act like that say...am i doing something to hurt you...? they give tips how to handle this and talk to them. but i am not saying he has this..i have NO clue whatsoever!

 

but dont bother. it wont help. look up how to talk to them. if he really has this..it is hard to break thru. tho not impossible. youre probably sick of my articles by now . but theres another one someone posted i have to look for that was interesting. it will make you feel better (i hope) so not self blame . and you are right. we are who we are. we learn and get to know better then move forward...and heal in time...oh boy i better get to sleep. i only mentioned all this stuff because you said he was nice..kept things in...etc. made me think of that propensity towards that way to handle things. aka no confrontation at ALL costs.

[Country_Girl]

The sad reality is...if they wanted to hear from you, they would make contact. I struggle with this daily, and what helps me from breaking the silence is, if he actually missed me the slightest, he would call :-( It hurts, but it's true. Maybe you can use that as fuel, whenever you are tempted.

[Shatter3d]

IfIKnewThen - I'm not getting sick of your articles at all, I'm fnding them very helpful. I dont know if he is definitely PA but these are his traits:

• Will never say NO to anyone
  
• Will always agree to anything
  
• Does not have his own opinions about anything
  
• Starts something and never finishes it
  
• Promises he will do things and never does them
  
• Hates confrontation at all costs
  
• Will tell lies so I dont get angry at him - although when I find out he has lied it makes it worse.
  
• His past 2 relationships have both been with strong women
  
• When the going gets tough - he throws in the towel
  
• Treats me very very good - kind, giving, thoughtful etc.
  

All these traits to me seem to be pointing that he is most definitely passive-aggressive. I makes me feel a bit better knowing that I wasnt completely to blame for everything. Half of my actions were out of frustration due to the above points. I'm glad I stumbled upon this, as now it makes everything alot clearer. He doesnt seem to have every single one of PA traits, but certainly quite a few of them. I hope he gets some help in the future so that he can find happiness with whoever he meets next or just for happiness within himself.

 

And Country Girl - Yes, I know.....if they wanted to hear from us they would be the ones contacting us. We need to accept the fact its over and they dont want us in their lives anymore. I'm on Day 4 of NC and each day is getting a lil better....I tried my hardest to save it but he just didnt want any part of it....never mind, life goes on

[flow15]

However I think he still had fears deep down and could never be totally comfortable with me. He was always on edge. The couple of times I did get upset about things he would say ' No other female would get upset about the things you do'...He seriously must think I'm an alien or something. Maybe he needs more experience with females to know that I'm not the only one who vents their feelings....I think he has alot of growing up to do and he cant do that while I'm with him.

 

Hi Shatter3d, what you mention here is what my ex would say to me sometimes, and he said it the day we tried again... that he felt he couldn't be totally comfortable with me. But only when his friends were there, not when it was just me and him.

I don't think my ex is passive-agressive though, as he does stand up for himself, very much so... he doesn't let anyone tell him what to do and he is very opinionated. And I'm not controlling, he walked all over me. However I will admit there were things he did that upset me, he did them anyway but he obviously felt pressure not to do them as he didnt want to upset me.

 

I don't think we should blame ourselves. And like you said here:

 

" I tried my hardest to save it but he just didnt want any part of it"

 

I tried my hardest too, and at least we got closure in the fact that we did the best we could and they still didnt want to try.

[Shatter3d]

Flow, has he texted back at all ?

[flow15]

Flow, has he texted back at all ?

 

No, I actually IM'd the website. And we were both online last night but he didn't reply. So I've blocked him now, to avoid sending him anything and so that he can't see I'm online and I can disappear from his life.

 

The other day I emailed him saying I had ordered him a birthday card a few weeks ago and I told him to throw it out when he gets it as I had written it when we had got back together and I can't cancel the order online. He didn't reply to that either.

 

How r u feeling today?

[Shatter3d]

Its good that you blocked him, so now you wont get the urge to msg him..

 

Cant believe he ignored your msg about the birthday card etc...how rude ! Men just have this amazing willpower...they can ignore us alot easier than we can them.

 

I'm feeling ok today...It's starting to get a bit more bearable and starting to slowly sink in that we wont ever be together again. Hard to grasp when a few months ago I was imagining my future with him as my husband and father of my children. But then I think to myself, I'm lucky to get out now before the marriage and kids part happened, imagine him abandoning me then? And things get ALOT tougher when you have kids etc.

 

Day 5 NC tomorrow - I'm going to go allllllllllll the way