lost_in_chgo Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Who's Lost? Everyone is lost. I just got here before you did. These are my thoughts. I'm not a doctor, I'm not your shrink, I'm not your friend, but I am trying to help you like others helped me. I am an anonymous (or semi-anonymous) person on the internet. These are just some thoughts for you. They have been gathered from the thought of alot of other people on the board, and some other places on the net, mixed up in a 1 quart saucepan and poured all over this page. Let them bake in your brain for awhile, you might like the taste when they are done. What's no contact? "No Contact" is the practice of eliminating contact with your ex to stablize emotional relationship and establish some boundaries. This doesn't mean being an ass to your ex. It means eliminating as much contact as possible. Playing hard to get, if you will. Letting things settle down so that you can either move on or come together in a rational, calm way. Who dumped who? Basically, if you are trying to get rid of someone, be straight forward and honest with them. Don't try to be kind, and don't try to be mean. Honesty really works alot better. Tell them the truth once you figure it out yourself. If you aren't sure, say so. Don't make up all kinds of things to make the other person feel at fault. Now the rest of this is for those that were dumped by their ex and desire reconciliation.. We only dated a few months Three months is a magic number. It's built into the human brain. If the relationship only lasted 3-4 months to begin with or if your ex is less than 25 (or so) years old (or really immature) they aren't likely to be coming back. It could take a bit longer with the immature as they may lack the nerve to break up in the first place. So 3 months is a trial period. The trial is over, move on. Less than 25 yrs old, many/most people aren't looking for permanent relationships. Don't get your hopes up. It might hapopen, sure, but it probably won't. We only dated for a long time or were married If the relationship lasted longer than 3 months, you may have some hope. People do reconcile. Take an honest look at your situation and decide if there is truly any hope. That's hope, not desire. Be honest with yourself. If there are other factors, like severe emotional distress (recent breakup, divorce, illness, death of a loved one), insecurity (fear of success), or psychological trauma (child of divorce, mental illness, abuse, rape) your ex may just need to find themself or work through their issues. Emotional distress can cause someone to make a drastic change to try to stabilize or reset their life. Your ex may be trying to eliminate you as a stressor. Your ex may be aware of this or not. Your ex may even be trying to do what is best for you while they work through their own issues. That is a sign of a good person. A good person won't tell you that they just needs to go out and try a few other people so that they are sure they are doing the right thing because they are too young, or was married for so long. If your ex was recently divorced, you may be the rebound person. If you were friends prior to that, you may have some hope yet. If not, the chance is there, but slim. Many divorced people latch on to someone close. But others just look for someone who is radically different from their ex. Once your ex works thru the issues they are facing, they may reconsider.....or they may not. Your ex might find someone else they like better in the meantime. Don't put your life on hold. Why would I want to practice "no contact"? In many cases, emotions get the better of people, before, during and after a breakup. What we are trying to do here is to push a big fat red reset button on that problem. People recommend no contact for two reasons, to allow you to move on (for your own good - even if that isn't what you wants) or to allow your ex time to think and come back without being pushed further away. The no contact time... 1) allows you to get over them (even if you don't want to) 2) allows them to get over you (even if you don't want them to) 3) allows you time to reconsider wanting them back, with a clear head 4) allows them time to reconsider wanting to leave, and time to miss you and want you back Why not pursuit instead? Pursuit is a valid tactic immediately after the breakup. You need to establish to your ex that you are not indifferent to them. But only up to a point. Sending gifts very early on to try to win over your ex is ok (if your ex is female, for men probably not), but if they tell you to stop, STOP. If they seem at all irritated STOP. Otherwise they will start to see it as a manipulation, no matter how sincere you are. At that point you are violating their space. The more you do it, the more damage you do to yourself. If your ex talks condescendingly to you, that's probably a bad sign. They don't respect you. Talk to your friends and family If your friends are honest with you they will tell you why they are recommending no contact. But sometimes they will recommend no contact because they think they are doing what's best for you and they want you to move on. Just keep in mind that your friends may be trying to do what they think is best for you rather than what is best for your goal of getting her back. It's hard to tell what their motives are sometimes, but the end result is the same however you prefer things to work out. Sometimes they know better than you do, sometimes they just think they do, sometimes they are genuinely trying to help and sometimes they are just afraid to tell you what they really think. Then their the friend that has their own interest at heart, but then, he isn't your friend is he? If you are a friend advising someone else. Be honest, otherwise you are doing them a horrible disservice in the guise of trying not to upset them. (That kind of motivation is about you, not about helping them). I have kids, what do I do This is an excellent point that was brought up in a recent thread. Just remember that the kids come first. Unless your ex was abusing the kids in some form, your kids should have contact with their biological parents, it's important. Don't try to use your kids as weapons and don't try to prevent contact with the ex. Try to limit your personal interaction, but whatever you do, do it without harming the kids or interfering with parental visitation. Practicing "No Contact" Now no contact doesn't mean never talk to your ex. But it does mean that you should not pursue your ex. Doing so will push them away. Don't solicit mutual friends or your ex's family to talk to the ex. Talk to them if they are your friends, but don't give them missions, and don't ask them questions. Don't even talk to them about your ex unless they bring it up. If your goal here is to reconcile, what you are trying to do is show your ex that you are independent and strong. You want them to see you in the best possible light. Every time you try to get them to see things your way, change their mind, or talk to you, you are pressuring them to do what you want. Everytime they see that they will run away. What you want is for it to be their idea. If your ex sees that you are not pursuing they may have some doubts and come back to see how things are doing. This is the scouting party, coming to see how strong your forces are, get the lay of the land so to speak. This is not the time for you to undo everything you've accomplished. Don't overcommit or reveal your positions. Maintain your strong front, be polite, be strong and wait for the full force to show itself. This is war. The best way to win a battle is to never fight it. You need to absorb your enemy into your ranks and allay with him/her. So be cool, give your ex a comfortable feeling of warm fuzziness. Don't you love all these mixed metaphors? Dating If your ex starts dating other people during this time, things get a little cloudier. They may still decide to come back, but they may decide that they can't because they were with someone else and wouldn't be welcome. If you start dating, you may decide that your ex doesn't matter anymore. Or you may end up hurting someone else when you takes your ex back. If you don't start dating, you risk wasting your time for nothing. That may be best for you, you have to decide. Your ex may actually be comforted by you dating other people while they do. Dating someone else will also level the field between the two of you and reduce possible feelings of jealousy when you get back together. If you are the jealous type, you have to put that behind you or you will destroy any hope of reconciliation when the opportunity presents itself. The ex keeps calling while I'm trying to start no contact Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Gradually increase the time between callbacks. If the ex asks you to get back together, you need to decide if you still want that and then let them in slowly. Be careful. Don't jump back into bed right away. Set some boundaries and expectations of your own. The ex calls after a period of no contact. Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Leave the ball in their court to give them a comfort zone and a good image of you. Don't play games. If you don't respond at all your ex may read that as you moving on. Moving on When you don't really value your relationship(s), it is easier to separate. No contact can also be a method for revenge against a partner who wronged you or a self defense mechanism to deal with the emotions of the breakup. The dumper may use it to avoid facing their feelings about a person they don't want to be with, or the dumped may use it as a defense. The problem is that when you are really in love and have legitimate reason to believe the other person may come back, the longer the no contact goes on the harder it is to deal with the separation. The mental pressure to do something continues to increase. If you are up against an externally imposed deadline (your ex is moving away, changing jobs, etc.) you are going to eventually be forced to break the no contact policy or accept that you may never see or hear from them again. At some point you have to move on. You can't just sit around and pine for the ex forever. Sure, you have to do it for awhile, but not forever. You did you duty. You gave it a more than reasonable effort. So if it's time, move on. Only you can decide when. In the meatime, date someone else. If the ex doesn't respond "no contact" will eventually turn into peace of mind for you. You've moved on. If they come back around it will be on your terms, or the answer will be no. Reconciliation... Once the dumper tries to comes back, the rules change. If they call, then they have changed or are thinking about changing their mind (whatever they might think) and the walls are coming down a bit. But your ex may just be feeling bad about what they did and trying to get some comfort for themself. It doesn't matter, it shows that your ex is thinking about you. Keeping your ex at a distance lets them continue to lower the walls until eventually they are trying hard to get you back. So you talk, you are civil, you can state your terms, offer to take them back, but you cannot beg them to come back. If your ex asks to try again, and you still want to then do it. But slowly. Letting your ex in too easily may give them the illusion that they can just come back on their terms and take what they wants when they want. That's no kind of relationship. You have to let your ex into your world, but not have control of it. If they are going to come back it has to be on mutual terms, not their terms and not yours. When in doubt "No contact" should be considered a policy and not a rule. If you have any doubt, don't contact your ex. Listen to that little voice. Try to sit on things for a day or two before acting. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Nicely done! Link to post Share on other sites
sinkerswim Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Thanks for posting that. I am going through this at this very moment. I want to send a letter for my own closure..but I shouldnt. I know. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 This is war. The best way to win a battle is to never fight it. I will beat this battle! Link to post Share on other sites
MarKus Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 The ex calls after a period of no contact. Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Leave the ball in their court to give them a comfort zone and a good image of you. Don't play games. If you don't respond at all your ex may read that as you moving on. What if she texts?? Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 I really liked your post - it has helped me a lot and I have read it many times. My BF broke up with me three weeks ago tomorrow and it literally shook the foundation I stand on. Don't bash me but after my BF finally told his wife about us, he reconsidered and told me that he was still in love with her and wanted to work out his marriage. I have not called him and it seems to get harder every day. Even though this has been so difficult and heartbreaking I do realize that through the "no contact" does allow oneself to examine the relationship more clear and use some rational thinking. As the weeks go by and I am assessing what this relationship has been all about, I cannot help but still feel half a person and love him with all my heart (rationally I know I must be such an idiot). But no contact allows me to see that although I am blindly in love with him, that this relationship may have very well been about how I make him feel, and that he was a MM that was never leaving his wife for whatever reason he gave me. I still fell like crap...3 weeks ago... and even more today. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 Three months is a magic number. It's built into the human brain says who and proved by who lost? where did you get this theory from? personal experience or did you read it somewhere? i certainly don't need a 3 month trial period to know if i really like someone or not, i and most people i know say they know within 2-3 dates and even less 3 months i believe is not a trial period, it can be much shorter... 1 night or even years and years! Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 lost i forgot to compliment you on what an excellent post this is! good on you! If there are other factors, like severe emotional distress (recent breakup, divorce, illness, death of a loved one), insecurity (fear of success), or psychological trauma (child of divorce, mental illness, abuse, rape) your ex may just need to find themself or work through their issues. Emotional distress can cause someone to make a drastic change to try to stabilize or reset their life. Your ex may be trying to eliminate you as a stressor. i think this MAYBE what happened to me again a great post and much respect to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_in_chgo Posted April 2, 2004 Author Share Posted April 2, 2004 Markus - text is the same I'd say. Wait a bit. Act a bit aloof, but answer and don't be rude. Did she? Congrats! Be cool. Leilab - glad this helps. You shouldn't have been with him, you know that. But that's the past. Now you need to step back. Think about how you'd feel in her situation. They are trying to resolve things. They are both getting their second chances. There are probably better forums for you to be in with this. If there marriage fails or they separate, you should be hesitant to continue things with him for awhile. He is going to go thru the divorce scenario. Your relationship with him is based on deceit as well as love/lust. That's not a sound foundation for a relationship. You'll have to work very hard to make it work long term. Brain - yes I've read it alot of places. "3 month man", "90 day wonder" etc. There is a evidently a regular three month phase (on average) that people go thru. Lust, settling in, objective analysis and disappointment. Sure it's not a physical law of the universe. But you see an awful lot of relationships break up around the 90 day mark. As far as the kudos for the post, alot (most) of this is gathered and pieced together from these and other forums, canned, summarize and presented here for your dining pleasure with the hope that someone can avoid going thru the help I am lost in for the last 7-8 months. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 As far as the kudos for the post, alot (most) of this is gathered and pieced together from these and other forums, canned, summarize and presented here for your dining pleasure with the hope that someone can avoid going thru the help I am lost in for the last 7-8 months. I again think it sums up quite nicely... and you did a terrific job! Now if you could next time serve it with cheesecake... yum. I wish you well and hope you come out of your 7-8 month ordeal... it bites, it sucks, but it does get better. (So they say anyways). Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 I got a text about catching up - I m still feeling odd about everything with her. She tells me she wants us to see a movie that has cultural significance to us both. I agree about thinking about things on her behalf. I told her how I feel and how I am sick of feeling things. I told her that I want more than a friendship. I did not plead or rant - hell it was an sms - but she still wants to catch up on Easter Monday - I have not agreed or disagreed. I would like her to disappear to be honest and stop playing with my mind. But I still have feelings for her. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Fishman, I'm glad to hear there is at least contact. I'm rooting for you, I think you know that. Relax, and let it flow, it will be fine. I think you have come a heck of a long ways because you didn't "lose it"!! Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Thing though is that also been doing stuff like drugs and so on - not hard stuff, but still. It is harder too cause she is now starting work next week at my workplace - and I might even be training her. It is hard cause I know I miss her - I just dont know what I really feel for. It is wierd, I feel like I am about to go into battle. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Fishman, How are your kids doing all through this? I'm sure they've noticed things are not the same right now. Have you been able to talk to them about what's going on? Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 I keep my kids away fro it. I only see them every second weekend and to be honest I have not said she is completely gone - I have said that she is 'on a long holiday.' I aim not to say anything to them to be hnest. They are too yuong to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Cool, wasn't sure how old they are, sounds like you've got that part under control. Just lookin' out for ya mate Link to post Share on other sites
ger2004 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 hi everyone Some really good points here. I hope someone can help me out. Really long story short!!!! My girlfriend broke up with me ten weeks ago after ten months. She contacted me a week and a half later. (just friendly chit chat nothing about us) She would send me sms messages at least once a week every week since we broke up. I would never get in contact with her but i would reply of course. But as i said it was only friendly stuff we would text all day but it seemed to be going no were. She would just keep going on about how she was going out with her friends every night and having a great time and getting drunk. she would always emphasis it. Any way i read this no contact policy and it sounds like good advise. But thing is I haven't heard from her in over three weeks now and i'm really scared i will never here from her again. I love her so much. But i know if i contact her i will only push her further away. That was the reason why she left me in the first place things were getting to much for her it was to much pressure. I don't know if she is thinking about me or missing me. Will i hear from her again. Is there any hope for us? Any advise please Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 I had the same siuation. You wanna know whatto do? Get an online dating profile. Meet some new women, boost your ego. If she comes backand contats you - note: contacts you - then she is a potential. My point of view is this - they have to miss you to want you back. If you meet someone else then you move on. Think of her as a potemtial, caus eno matter what, the returning relationship may not ne the same.... Link to post Share on other sites
ger2004 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Thanks fishman but i can't date anyone at the moment. I can't help but miss the s**t out of her Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Nah, dont necessarily have to date them - I have but in honesty alot of them I chat to online. Good ego boost. Half the battle is to get them out of your mind. You wont forget but you can distract yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Californiadoll Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Yeah, my ex broke up with me on Monday and it's Thursday. it seems like forever but there is still hope right? Is 3 days a lot with no contact whatsoever? Should I give up hope? Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 I got a quandry..... My ex told me on the phone (in an hour 30 minute conversation - man we dont get on..... ) that she is seeing a psychologist to get over her anxieties and depression. Now she did not say what is happening or when, but she told me how to find this person to the point I know the persons name. I know she is interested, just at the moment it is mental problems within her. I have told her I am 'holding open the door' which was not dismissed outright - hell, I am meeting her for lunch today. My quandry is this - I am thinking of emailing the therapist. Why? So I can say thanks and offer to help in any way. I know patient confidentiality and all that but I think it might be helpful in not only her but my cause. Maybe the shrink will go 'this guy really cares..' I dont know, I mean, it might make it worse to. Other than that I have to chill and be patient..... she obviously wants to see me and often says 'as friends' but actions speak louder than words... What you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
TZ Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 I'm following the 'no contact rule'. It's been 10 days since he broke up with me on the phone. To make a long story short, my relationship with him lasted 5 months, he was a MM, separated from his wife for about 5 months since we first met, they have a kid, who is with him. We got along great. He said the reasons he was breaking up with me was because 'there might still be feelings there for each other' (meaning him and his wife) AND because our relationship had hit a rough spot at about the same time. I wanted to ask him if he was willing to salvage our relationship, since what we had was so good. But I didn't ask that. All this time, I thought he had no intentions of returning to her, because his feelings for her were long gone. It cut me like a knife, and my heart is still bleeding. Don't know if he was just confused and used the quick way out. Last I heard from him was a blank email, no subject line, no text, no signature, no nothing. I haven't replied. If it wasn't sent by mistake, then what do I make of it? TZ Link to post Share on other sites
Cutie314 Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong says who and proved by who lost? where did you get this theory from? personal experience or did you read it somewhere? i certainly don't need a 3 month trial period to know if i really like someone or not, i and most people i know say they know within 2-3 dates and even less 3 months i believe is not a trial period, it can be much shorter... 1 night or even years and years! It has been scientifically proven that your body realeses certain hormones for 10 -12 weeks once you have found physical interest in someone. That is why 3 months is usually the golden number for short term relationships. Sure you can know in 1 date or 1 year. But you know it is something more then lust if it can make it past the 4 month mark. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_in_chgo Posted May 29, 2004 Author Share Posted May 29, 2004 When you love someone, you have to have faith that, in the end, they will do the right thing. - Marge Simpson I will go down with this ship, And I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be - Dido Link to post Share on other sites
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