The Lost Guide to No Contact - Version 2

[quasimoto]

this thread has been a vaulable resource to navigating my relationship problems-nice one lost-in-chgo!

 

i hate to hijack the thread but i am looking for advice along these lines. my gf took time off from me after a six year relationship. i had moved away from her for about half of this year bc i had a job opportunity, so when she dropped the bomb on me we had been apart for about three months. the last year was markedly bad for us due to some bs that happened to me, which led to a lot of self doubt and (dare i say) depression, which i hadn't acknowledged until recently. the time off has helped me realise that i've been in denial about my personal faults & it has pushed me to go seek help for it to become a better person, relationship or no. so it's really good advice for yourself and your other-it's well worth sitcking to!!!

 

anyway, i totally have this mentality that this is war and that we will work this out, as corny as it sounds. i see our relationship for what it is/was-really good, but with some individual problems on my part and hers that need to be changed. if she says it's a no go/she doesn't feel for me anymore, i'll know when to call it off, but i think our relationship is worth fighting for personally.

 

here's the dilemma-i know that we are both going to our mutual friend's wedding in chicago in august. we haven't spoken in well over a month and i fully intend to keep it up for her sake and my own, as we both have a lot of work to do. so, how should i handle it when the time comes?

 

here's what i have in mind-

 

1-working out like a beast & getting in even better shape than am now.

2-taking on a 2nd job to earn more money.

3-seek therapy to rectify my non-relationship related issues.

4-before the wedding, get the best suit i can find, do the whole 'makeover the outside to match the inside' sort of deal.

 

what are some other things that i should prepare for or really consider going into this?

[mandrews1119]

Dear Quasi,

 

Long term relationships have a whole other set of 'rules" (if you could call it that). You sound as if you are making out ok so far, keep it up. There WILL be contact whether at the wedding or somewhere else, and all that you have done will be put to the test at that point. Best of luck.

[quasimoto]

Originally posted by mandrews1119

Dear Quasi,

 

Long term relationships have a whole other set of 'rules" (if you could call it that). You sound as if you are making out ok so far, keep it up. There WILL be contact whether at the wedding or somewhere else, and all that you have done will be put to the test at that point. Best of luck.

 

very cool-thanx for the positive response.

 

yeh, as irony would have it, she mailed me the other day to see if i wanted to talk. and a day later, i very politely and curteously said that i thought it was still early to do so but i'd be interested to talk "in the not too distant future." truth is i'm not really ready for it so i think it's wise to wait on going into things, as much as i'd like to talk to her.

 

yeh, the bigger test will be when we actually start communicating again-i'll probably s*** myself when i see her at the wedding

[meanttolive4ever]

my ex left me after 10 1/2 months...it was perfect except for the arguements we would get into. I dont know whether to think if he's coming back or not..i havent talked to him in about a month. So i dont know if he's still with the girl he left me for. This is all so confusing

[mandrews1119]

Quasi,

Glad to hear you have had positive response, that is always a good sign. Just be careful not to send the wrong message by NOT responding to a request or two to talk. That is usually a "feel out" conversation, and a great chance to see where you stand, logistically, if not emotionally. The fact that your ex even wants to do that is a lot more than some of us ever receive. Best of luck.

[AnBeLa]

thank god for small favors! Finally, some voices of reason in a sea of confusion. This thread has been one of the most intelligent and helpful of the dozens that i've read so far. Now i have a question, what do you do if you are trying no contact but you keep losing your will power? we both love eachother but i need time to think about things, but i keep caving in b/c i just like hearing the sound of his voice...but then i can't think straight again. We want to be together but when we are we just fight. i am, as well, lost in chicago but that nickname was already taken help!

[sid3]

THERE ARE ALOT OF GOOD BOOKS OUT THERE THAT ARE HELPFUL IN STOPPING ARGUEMENTS BEFORE THEY GET OUT OF HAND. tRY SOME RELATIONSHIP BOOKS, THEY MIGHT BE JUST WHAT YOU NEED. HAD I KNOWN ABOUT THEM, I WOULD BE WITH MY FORMER GFRIEND RIGHT NOW. YES I AM GUILTY OF IGNORANCE, NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT READING A BOOK ON RELATIONSHIPS.DAM I SHOULD HAVE......

[lost_in_chgo]

SID!

There's a button just above the shift key on the left side of your keyboard.

Press it once and verify that the light marked Caps Lock goes off.

[lost_in_chgo]

Anbela

 

I'll sell you the name if you really want it.

 

Try sitting down and talking about your issues and then concentrate on refusing to fight.

Agree to walk away for awhile and then sit down and discuss issues without interrupting each other. If you don't value each other's side of the disagreement, you'll never resolve it and if you aren't honest about what is really bothering you, it will never go away.

[sid3]

I'm screwing myself, I am going to get some help from the therapy i hope. Just sucks, I haven't been happy in months, and the thought of having lost her forever is too much to bare. I am torturing myself, I want to stop, that's why I am going to get some counsling, I am in crisis. Thanks for advice and support, sorry I didn't listen.

[AnBeLa]

I actually did pick up a relationship book that has been extremely helpful, it's called " Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. its about relationship ambivalence and it helps you figure out whether it is healthy to stay in your relationship or if you'd be happier leaving it. it helped me realize how unhappy i was no matter how much i loved my bf. so i broke things off with him and we are both seeking therapy to resolve personal issues with the hope that one day we can actually be together w/o the fighting. it feels like a ten ton weight has been lifted off my shoulders, i can actually breathe again and concentrate on my school and job.

i don't normally go in for all the self-help stuff but this book really is helpful.

[AnBeLa]

Lost-in-chgo

 

I tried that.... i refused to fight, but he couldn't seem to control his temper. that is one of the things he is working on now. But thanx for the advice i appreciate it alot!!

[lost_in_chgo]

Two way street, you can't just do it yourself.

He has to agree to do it too and then abide by it.

[jgs78]

Hi,

 

I am new to this site and I read your posting. It was really really helpful and I wanted to thank you for writing it. I was wondering though if you can give me some advice? What if someone did a "no contact" boo boo? My ex broke up with me on May 8th. I wrote him an email 2 days after my birthday, May 28th. We had not talked, or anything, no contact at all. But I just caved because I couldn't believe he couldn't even wish me a happy birthday after all, we were together for 6 1/2 years. Anyway he FINALLY wrote me back, only 20 days later!!! I was a little bit upset about that, but I understand, he probably didn't want me bothering him since he was the one who cut it off. Well I waited a couple of days and wrote him back again and I have not heard from him yet. I am worried that I have pushed him away now. I am worried that I have no chance of getting him back. When he broke up with me over the phone, (he's in California, I am in New York, I have been here for almost a year now) he told me we are growing apart and why couldn't we be friends. I told him that I couldn't be friends with someone I had been with for so long. To me that is just too much to ask.

 

Why was I so pathetic to write him back? Even after his email said that he was "troubled by the fact that I didn't want to have any kind of relationship with him?" Of course I addressed that by saying that he was the one who ended it, not me. I said that I didn't understand how you could suddenly tell me that you don't want to be with me when you told me 2 days earlier that you loved me and that I was your soulmate?

Anyway I guess what my question comes down to is this, did I blow it?

[lost_in_chgo]

Hmmm, I missed this one...

 

He waited 20 days to make a point.

But, the point he made was not what he intended I think.

 

He probably wanted to make it clear that he was done with you by not replying.

And then he did. So he's still involved at some level.

 

Don't read too much into this, my ex has been gone for ten months.

 

You have two options, no contact, or periodic contact.

 

Either wait for him to contact you, or reach out to him once a month or every other month and just say hi.

Don't file any appeals or make any pleas.

[jgs78]

Wow, 10 months, that is a long time, I'm really sorry about that. Does your ex live in the same place as you? Don't worry about not replying until now, things are pretty much the same. He still has not called or responded. I think you are right, he obviously does want to make it clear that it is over.

 

I still want him back. It is just so strange to not talk to someone for almost 3 months when you used to talk to them almost everyday. Although he was probably thinking it was really strange for me to move to NY when we had been in California together for 5 1/2 years. I know distance was an issue and he doesn't want to admit it but I do think the seminar life-changing program he got involved in kind of sucked away his brain too. Those pyramid scheme motivational seminars always have a tendency to make people get all starry-eyed and forget about what is around them or make them think that they can do better. So maybe that is what he feels about me.

 

I guess I am never going to really know the answer because he never could tell me and if he does tell me later, it might be too late. I know I have 2 options, mope and think about him all the time and be miserable or get over it and move on. It' s just so easy to feel sorry for oneself. I guess I am at that point of despair where I thought he was

"the one," I mean after 6 1/2 years, wouldn't you? So I am scared to let go because there is a part of me that secretly hopes and wishes he will come back.

 

I took your advice and just sent him a quick email just to say hi. That is all, no drama. I don't know how long it will take him to get back to me. Oh well.

 

Anyway thank you for responding, I appreciate your help.

[lost_in_chgo]

It's important that you don't follow that up for at least a month unless he contacts you.

 

moving away from someone is a huge deal.

It triggers all sorts of abandonment issues and also is a strong statement that you are trying to get away.

 

Where was your head at when you did that? Were you trying to separate and have now reconsidered? or did you not understand what a huge deal that was? Or did you both think you could get thru this LDR unscathed?

[jgs78]

Ok, I will wait for a month, if nothing I will just send another email saying hi, I'm here.

 

As for the long distance thing, here's my story: I am a jewelry designer, FIT was the only school that offered a year long intensive jewelry design program. I had been unhappy in San Francisco for a LONG time. Our relationship had already been torn apart because his mother came and moved to the states from Germany when her husband left her. She is the most overbearing and manipulative woman. She is one of those kind of mothers that plays it like she is completely helpless and doesn't know any better when she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. I mean when she first met me she made it clear that she needed my ex as much as I needed him. SO there was always problems there. I tried to be friendly and civil to her, but it just didn't matter. So that was another part of the reason why I was miserable in San Francisco because she was just prying too much into our lives and my ex didn't know how to put his foot down. He has a guilt complex and is also kind of a sit on the fence kind of guy. We got over that HUGE obstacle and things were ok. His mom was starting to build up her own life, OR SO I THOUGHT! I found out later that she nagged him into doing this pyramid scheme life changing course. She was the one who convinced him that I was a part of his unhappiness because the program had taught her that anything I talked with him about the reasons why I was leaving and he understood. He didn't want to up and move to NY because frankly, he didn't have the funds to support himself. I couldn't stay in SF because it was just too much, I was unemployed and the economy was SO bad I had to settle for a job I didn't want. I was upset because already a couple of years has passed since I graduated from college and I still wasn't even close to being on track to doing what I wanted to do. My ex knew I was unhappy and he wanted me to be happy and so he told me to move to NY.

 

I WAS SKEPTICAL and I almost did not move here. I DID NOT want to go because I feared I would lose him. He kept reassuring me that we would make it work. HE kept telling me that he loved me and that we were soulmates and that would never change. And you know, it worked for awhile. Up until he joined that seminar program. That's when things changed. After he did the first level he sounded a little weird. Then after the 2nd level, that's when things turned downhill and he broke it off with me. A couple weeks before he broke up with me over the phone, he said that he had completely changed and that I should do the program and that would be the only way that our relationship could function 100%.

 

Anyway does that answer your questions? Thanks for your imput, lost I appreciate it. How have you been getting over your ex. Do you still hope that your ex will come back?? Has your ex contacted you at all since the break up?

[lost_in_chgo]

Is he still under the program's evil influence?

 

Sounds like that might be in the way of open communication.

 

From the way you describe things, you had alot of reasons for leaving and not alot for staying. Are you sure that you are both ready to do what it takes to fix things? If not, you'll be wasting your time. Talking about it is probably your best bet.

 

My story is in the various incarnations of this thread.

How? poorly

Hope? yes

Contact? yes, but limited.

[jgs78]

Yep, he is still in the clutches of the brainwashing cult. Yes of course that is standing in the way because it is quite obvious that the program tells you to get rid of negativity or anything standing in your way of becoming an ever powerful individualistic human being. Or so he had told me one time. He never said that I was standing in his way of course, but that I could have benefitted from the program. I am not stupid and I would never fork down 5000 clams for something like that.

 

Anyway, yes there were a lot of reasons why I left and why I did not stay. A LOT of me hoped that he would change. I guess he has but not in a good way. My friend told me a couple of weeks ago that I was probably more hurt by the rejection of it all. Some of that is true, of course, but I do miss our relationship. He was pretty much the only person who I could be myself with and we shared a special bond.

 

There were a lot of things that needed to be resolved, but we were willing to work it out. I think this seminar made it all come out for him. I mean otherwise how could he have been telling me that he was going to try and make arrangements to move out here and that he felt lost without me? Unless he was THAT much of a coward that he couldn't admit his true feelings. I mean I guess if he is that pliable in the brain that he can be brainwashed, it's possible that he is that spineless that he kept the relationship going. I dunno.

 

I really don't know. I have not talked to him and he is the one who has said that it is my fault that I don't want to have any kind of relationship with him. But I don't want the kind of relationship he wants. I don't want to be friends. I mean I know that sounds harsh, but it is EXTREMELY different when you have been with someone for that long to just flip the switch and be buddies.

 

You said in your first response

 

"He waited 20 days to make a point.

But, the point he made was not what he intended I think.

 

He probably wanted to make it clear that he was done with you by not replying.

And then he did. So he's still involved at some level. "

 

Sorry but what did you mean by the point he made was not what he intended? Like he didn't intend to blame me for the reason why we had no contact? And he still is involved at some level even though I haven't heard from him since? I mean I can understand why he probably hasn't contacted me since because in my response email, I had mentioned that I didn't understand why he ended it, I still loved him, and so forth and so on. Yes I shouldn't have done it but I was at that point of desperation. You understand.

 

So now he is probably going to wait for an eternity until he thinks I am going to come around and be cool and just want to be friends. I go to sleep dreaming about us still being a couple and then I wake up and it's back to reality. I don't know if he has even met someone else yet. Maybe he has and that is the reason why he hasn't responded.

 

I know, I have no choice but to move forward. I know I might never know the answers. You'd think that it would get easier as each day passes. Truth is that it gets more difficult because it makes me feel as if the chances of us ever getting back together again will never happen the more days that go by without him trying to contact me.

 

Did you ever feel like this?

[lost_in_chgo]

You are basically challenging his decision and his entire thought process.

 

The fact that he does reach out indicates that he is not done with you.

He at the very least misses contact with you.

 

He may have tried to make a point by waiting 20 days that he doesn't care etc.

But by contacting you he demonstrated that he does.

So the point he made was twofold: he does care, and he does not want what you want.

 

That doesn't mean that he won't at some later time.

 

You should break off contact with him. Don't announce it, just do it.

If he calls, you can talk to him, but don't ask him to come back or anything along those lines. Just talk.

 

As far as the brain washing thing, that sounds maybe a bit harsh.

Some of these self motivational things can actually be good for people because it makes them change and feel empowered to succeed. The things holding them back have to go by the wayside. You might be one of those things for him, or you might have been lumped into the crowd.

 

One of the things about these seminars is that they wear off after awhile if the person doesn't really stick to it.

 

Also, because these things are expensive, the need to justify the expense is there as well. He may have perceived you as anti-program and hostile to his need to grow. So you were eliminated as a negative aspect of his life. It's important not to stand in the way of your partner's personal growth. Better to go along with it and guide it back to sanity

 

It could be he does have someone. And after some time, he will anyway.

 

Leave the door open for him, but you should start dating and wait it out. You might find it isn't worth the effort after awhile.

[Kate]

to sum up my long, complex story (duh, like everyone's here), my ex and i were fighting randomly when i would get upset at his detached emotional behavior. he didn't seem to think he was doing anything wrong or not giving me attention. after too many once a week arguments, (not screaming/crying/throwing things, just very emotionally uncomfortable, confusing, miscommunication), he said he needed a break. i asked him to reconsider, that to me, and break means it's totally over, and he said that his heart was telling him to do so. so, i assumed it was for good...i laid in bed for a day wanting to disappear, cried for 3 days, and picked myself up and started my life again. i started socializing like usual and moving on. 5 days later i get 2 missed phone calls from him, one voicemail, saying "hey, it's just me, just wanted to talk...call me back or i'll call you tomorrow...". he didn't call "tomorrow". he texted me the following day though, unfortunately when i was drinking (or i would have avoided him) and said, "do you never want to speak to me again?" finally i broke and said i cared for him very much. he said he wanted to talk about things, so we did. i brought a list of about 20 things that had hurt me since day one in the relationship, and he responded with feelings of his own guilt. he said that because he got out of a 4 year relationship only 1 month prior to getting involved with me (we were friends for a few years, dated for 6 at that point in early may), he didn't feel he had the grace period necessary and therefore didn't even realize he wasn't putting in the energy needed. he said he had always had a thing for me, and couldn't act on it earlier in his last relationship, so when the opportunity to date me arose, he jumped...however he did jack s.h.i.t for me, that's for sure. among some of the things he DIDN'T do are:

 

1) ever offer me gas $ after i drove him around for 2 months when he had no car!!! (and he's 26 and lives with his mom)

2) we went to dinner 2 times.

3) i always paid my share, sometimes his...a few times he covered me.

4) he never ever suggested anything romantic, we just kind of hung out after i got out of work watched tv etc.

5) he never gave me a card, note or flower or anything of that nature.

 

now, i don't NEED THINGS to know how someone feels...but in addition to the above, he never shared his feelings...unless he was drunk or i shared first. these things really shook my ground as i fell in love with him...and made me extremely insecure in the relationship. soooo.....

 

so he needed time/space. i said ok. but i couldn't. 2 days later i called him late at night drunk, and started a fight. i was so angry, felt so taken advantage of throughout the whole relationship, then HE was leaving ME for time and space!!! how unfair!! so, basically that night i was a drunken fool (like most of the times we argued, as i made the mistake of NEVER discussing my gripes sober thinking i was going to push him away....but i did it anyway!). i pushed him so far that night that i don't think he ever wanted to come back. i called him the next day, begged to talk, and told him how sorry i was and that i was going to deal with my issues as to why i deal with things drunk and not sober (in the wrong way). he said he needed a permanent break (shocker!!) and this whole thing was KILLING ME... because it was all his fault...but then became mine, because i dealt with feelings so WRONGLY -- not sober. but, it was what it was.

 

the next day, after he said he needs a permanent break, i sent him an email saying don't contact me until you are ready for a committed relationship. i let 10 days pass of NC. i couldn't take it anymore and texted him for coffee. he responded immediately and said sure. i picked him up and we went and had a great 2 hours like friends. the spark was still there. he said he doesn't want to date anyone, that he really really needs space and time. that he ran a marathon for 4 years before me, then right away jumped into something wtih me he thought he could handle but couldn't give it the attention it deserved. i said i respected him, and this time i DID. i didn't talk to him for a week exactly, which was when i contacted him as he had offered to help me move into my new house with my friends. after one week more, things seemed to move at a rapid, rapid pace...i was doing great great great, (seemingly, but really doing a lot of work on myself, as i vowed to never show myself in that light again or let myself down with pride) and he was a great help to me. we had a great dinner with my dad. we ended up having sex and it was wonderful. i didn't feel used, nothing, it was very genuine and sweet. after he helped me, i said thank you and nothing else.

 

another 3 days passed and i texted him to do dinner. he couldn't, but responded immediately and told me why. the next night, i ran into him and he asked me to call him later. we ended up at the same place and he wanted to leave with me and get a bite to eat. we did, we talked, then fell asleep at my place. he was not interested in sex, just being with me. then we went to breakfast and he dropped me off. i mentioned nothing further. but, then that day i started getting upset...i was hanging out with him, but not WITH him...it was horrible feeling...i had him, but only half way. it wasn't fair. so i called him to go get coffee that night. we did...and when he left he suggested maybe we'd do something that next week. this was on sunday. i said, "ok". i then texted him thursday, 4 days later. he called me immediately. i suggested a drink, he said sure. we had a terrific time, talked for 3 hours and felt close as usual. we communicated perfectly when we tried...other things just went uncommunicated like "needs". he stayed over and suggested that we go away that next weekend, as i had thrown him a bone the week before when i told him i wanted to take him away for the weekend. he said that he wanted to. i said, "ok, i'll tell you when i book it, it's my treat". this was just one more thing i was going to do for HIM though...even though he did offer to pay...so the next day i booked a weekend away. i called him that night and left a voicemail telling him i booked it. he didn't call me all weekend long, didn't even say thank you or acknowledge it....now normally this wouldnt have bothered me, except i myslef went away that weekend -- and spent time with an old friend who treats me like GOLD. AND SO HERE IS THE TURNING POINT TO MY WHOLE STORY THUS FAR!!!!!!..............

 

after just 20 hours with my guy friend who i am very connected with, i couldn't believe the eye opener i recieved. i was treated with awesome respect. i spent a short time with someone who didn't walk in front of me EVER, held doors and let ME pass through first, was incredibly attentive, dug into my mind and heart, and just treated me with a focus and interest my ex never did, but thought he would. i think i confused our friendship with the possibility of having a great relationship!!! (my ex and i). as i drove home last sunday night, i thought about my ex and how poorly i was treated without even realizing it. i decided at that moment i was not going to extend myself any further. i was going to cancel the trip. why was i going to blow money i don't have and do something special for someone who NEEDS SPACE!? enough abuse, i felt. that night i texted my ex and told him i would like to postpone the tirp, and would he mind. he asked why, i just said another time would be better...then i caved and told him to come over to talk about it. i think he knew something was up, like i was finally waking up to the fact that i have not been treated very well by him. and when i say not treated well, i just mean it was not what he did, but what he didn't do - the basic human needs in any relationship...we talked and decided we wouldn't go because he said HE is the one who should have initiated it. he wasn't stepping up to the plate very well and it bothered me. however the next day, i get a call from the hotel, and it was too late to cancel. so i called my ex, told him, and he said, "great then well go, it will be good for us". ok...so fast forward...i spent all of monday on my couch. i called in sick to work, thinking about that morning and how we planned to do the trip. i was starting to get sick about all i have done for my ex. the next morning, i woke up and finally said, "enough". i cancelled my ccard with the bank, just so i wouldn't get charged by the hotel that wouldn't let me cancel. i texted my ex, saying that the trip was off because they did cancel our reservation. my thoughts were racing, and i was becoming increasingly aware of the fact that i was so taken for granted for the last 7 months. i have a laundry list of crimes i could post here. my ex texted me back and didn't even offer an alternative...he wrote, "o well, we'll try another weekend". his indifference was too much. so i wrote back, "i dont think so. i have given my all. i no longer want to pursue anything with us." he wrote back, "i respect your decision. i'm sorry things couldn't work out between us".

 

now, my question to all of you is, what does this all mean? i mean, i have my own conclusions 1) i was too nice and didn't let him need or miss me 2) he is immature and his life is not organized, mine is 3) he is overwhelmed by me and basic emotional responsibility....but most importantly, i DO NOT want him anymore...the way he is, now. he claims he is not like that, that it was all a matter of timing. that he doesn't know how to handle anything right now. he is not a baby, actually has way toooo much pride, and does not confide in others about stress. he is trying to move out of his house, get his business established, and he is overwhelmed by me and the realtionship. i will say with zero humility obviously i am the best thing that ever walked his way. not only that, i gave him everything and even tried to give him space. but at what point did i have to stop banging my head against the wall?

 

my confusion is the things he said...how he saw no one else but me...but he never treated me right! AND, he just accepted my breakup text after so much pain i have been through. i have been VERY direct, never played a game with him once. based on all of this information, i wonder, is it that easy for him to just move on?? how do i know if he really loves me??? it's not like his life is perfectly in order, yet at the same time i deserve SO much better..but the reason i'm on here is i wonder if he really is capable of something else...and i don't want to give him a chance until i know he's ready....but what now?? i'm just realizing that he won't chase me no matter what, especially with a text response like that that was so blase. but......the first time he broke up with me, i got those calls and a text...i think he's just used to me ALWAYS running to him, ALWAYS calling him....so, HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO DO THE N/C UNTIL YOU THINK I HEAR FROM HIM??? THE LONGEST I WENT WAS 10 DAYS, BUT I DIDN'T TELL HIM I DIDN'T WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. WILL HE REALIZE THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS? HOW LONG DO I WAIT TO GET PEACE OF MIND THAT HE ACTUALLY DID CARE?

[lost_in_chgo]

That should be a new topic kate.

[Kate]

sorry to clog up this thread -- and thanks for your insightful post here.

[jgs78]

Thanks for that. What you said made more sense to me than any of that "get over it" or "it's going to take time to heal" stuff that people around me have been saying. I have an old co-worker back in California who had once been sucked in by Am-way and a couple of those motivational semainar things. She too was blinded for about 2 years by the whole thing. Then once she got sick of it like you said, she realized that the program was eating up her life and relationships with other people, not to mention a whole in her pocket.

 

I know that it is EXTREMELY important to support your partner's beliefs. It was too much for me to believe in something that so visibly changed him into a freak. You know what I mean. So I handled it the wrong way and I should have expressed my support for him. That is probably why I was considered a negative impact. Since I didn't agree to attend any of his seminars, this just probably reitified the fact that I didn't believe he was making a sound decision in doing this seminar when his intentions were probably to try and change for the better.

 

My friend who used to be in one of those seminars told me that a lot of the reason why people do those things in the first place is because they think about their partner. I wish I could tell him that I understand now why he did it. Do you think it would be wrong of me to write him an email telling him I support him and that I wish I had done it sooner?

 

I know it probably would just show that I want him back. Maybe it's not a good decision.

 

I do understand why he wanted to change but I don't agree that this seminar thing is a good thing. I don't think any seminar program where they tell you to be secretive and not tell your familly or friends what you are doing in the seminars is a good thing. You know I am all for changing oneself for the better, but something about this particular seminar reeks.

 

Yeah I have no idea if he is with someone else. I would like to know, I know that might sound strange, but I think it would make there be a little more closure. Although what more closure do I need????? He broke it off with me and he hasn't called.

 

I don't know if I am ready to date yet, might be too hard because I might be in that compare every guy to him stage. But hey, might as well be open to it all. he's not coming back anytime soon!

 

So I won't try to contact him anymore. Even though it seems weird not talking to him, he made a decision. Right? I mean if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have done what he did. I feel really awful now because I feel like he is probably telling everyone that I stood in his way of changing for the better. OR he is saying that he had to get rid of me because I wasn't supportive. I was always supportive of him, otherwise I wouldn't have stuck it out in SF during the horrible economy with a crap admin assistant job.

 

Ah well, I could ramble on for hours.

 

I really want to to know, how did you move on? Are you dating other people now to get over your ex?