My boyfriend has gained weight :/

[Banker Chick]

Let me preface this by saying I love my boyfriend.

 

When we started dating over a year ago he had lost quite a bit of weight (I never knew him at his heaviest). We broke up in August for 4 months due to his crazy schedule and our fighting. We got back together right before Christmas. Even though we were broken up we did see each other sporadically. I noticed he was gaining some weight and he drew attention to it as he's self conscious about it.

 

We live an hr and 1/2 apart so see each other about every other weekend. We stay the whole weekend together. I saw him today and I'm starting to realize I'm not as physically interested. Please don't misunderstand ... I want to be but it doesn't seem to be happening. The last couple of times he's tried to please me it has either taken a very long time (not normal for me) or it's not been able to happen at all. Today was a day it just didn't happen. I wasn't feeling it.

 

I don't know what to do. I love the guy and I certainly don't want to break up but what the heck am I supposed to do now? He's starting to get a complex that he can't get me to have the big O and I don't know what reason to give. I don't really want to be honest because this is one of those times it would hurt his feelings so bad and he's such a great boyfriend in every other way. It's just harder to get turned on now :/

 

Thoughts?

[Eeyore79]

You sound pretty young; older people usually understand that love means sticking with someone through thick and thin, whether they get fat, fall ill, have an accident, etc. It seems pretty immature to stop loving someone just because they gain weight. Besides, weight gain can be reversed easily enough anyway; by all means talk to him about it, but I don't think it's a reasonable excuse for dumping him.

 

What if he'd had an accident and was permanently scarred? What about when he gets old and wrinkled? Would you stop loving him then? It seems like a very superficial sort of love if it's based on his looks and weight; he's probably better off without that sort of love anyway.

[cerridwen]

How much weight are we talking about?

 

And why is he putting it on? Is there an ailment? Is he depressed? Or is he simply over-eating, under-exercising?

 

There may be deeper emotional reasons for the weight gain in which case, you could be a help by addressing them (gently) with him.

[Ms. Joolie]

Has his schedule changed in such a way as to impact his diet/exercise habits?

 

I'm also curious on how many pounds you are talking about. If it's just a 5-10 pound weight gain, maybe you two can be more active together. If he's 10 pounds and climbing, I'd be concerned with his well-being.

 

I would stop being sexually attracted to my BF if he gained 20 pounds. (he could probably use a few actually) At that point, I would know if he was undergoing a life style change or was dealing with a health issue though, and I surely would support him with whatever he was dealing with.

 

Of course it's important to be sexually attracted to your partner, but it's also important that your sexual attraction to your partner isn't the only reason you are with them.

[new era]

How old are you?

 

Mature couples aren't concerned about a few added pounds because they accept and love each other just as they are.

 

You say you love your boyfriend....you don't have a clue.

[sb129]

Oh come on- everyone has their limits on what they find attractive, and while in a perfect world, love shouldn't be beholden to physical attributes, sexual attraction definitely is.

 

The OP is in a BF-GF relationship where both parties are free to leave any time- they haven't said marriage vows or signed a declaration that they will love eachother "no matter what".

 

A relationship based on dishonesty (one party pretending to find the other attractive when they don't) is not much of a relationship.

[Eeyore79]

The OP is in a BF-GF relationship where both parties are free to leave any time- they haven't said marriage vows or signed a declaration that they will love eachother "no matter what".

 

I feel that real love should always be "no matter what", or else it isn't real love, it's just attraction or infatuation. How much weight could he realistically have gained in a few months? I gained 13 pounds between last Spring and Christmas, and I'm in the process of losing them - but I don't look that much different, and I wouldn't expect my partner to stop loving me or being attracted to me. Even if my partner gained 60-70 pounds I'd still love him, though I'd want to help him lose the weight again if possible because being overweight isn't healthy.

[tman666]

I love how everyone's all "oh you must be such a immature person"... What a load of crap. Attraction is a largely involuntary response. Banker Chick never once said that she loves her man less now that he's getting soft. She's simply reached a threshold where she's (understandably) having a harder time being physically attracted to him. If she didn't love him (or at least care about how he feels), she wouldn't have posted about this.

 

OP: Personally, I think you need to tell him flat out what you're feeling. He might be a little butt hurt at first, but he needs to understand that if he doesn't start taking care of himself, he's going to be making you miserable. If he can't get over it, then he's simply being selfish/ignorant.

 

Just as a side note: make sure that you're holding yourself to the same standard before you lay this on him. Everyone's got room for improvement.

[reservoirdog1]

You say you love him, and I believe you. But perhaps you should be asking yourself if you love him as a friend, or as a potential life partner (i.e. somebody you could theoretically see yourself with for the rest of your life). There's nothing wrong with that if it's the former, and not the latter -- that's just the way it goes sometimes. And no, losing attraction for him because of a noticeable weight gain doesn't make you immature. Attraction isn't a choice -- it's either there or it isn't. There's nothing in what you wrote that deserves criticism or rebuke.

 

I'm going to venture the opinion that the two of you should have stayed broken up. In my experience, a relationship rarely survives long term if there's already a breakup in its history.

[Banker Chick]

I love how everyone's all "oh you must be such a immature person"... What a load of crap. Attraction is a largely involuntary response. Banker Chick never once said that she loves her man less now that he's getting soft. She's simply reached a threshold where she's (understandably) having a harder time being physically attracted to him. If she didn't love him (or at least care about how he feels), she wouldn't have posted about this.

 

OP: Personally, I think you need to tell him flat out what you're feeling. He might be a little butt hurt at first, but he needs to understand that if he doesn't start taking care of himself, he's going to be making you miserable. If he can't get over it, then he's simply being selfish/ignorant.

 

Just as a side note: make sure that you're holding yourself to the same standard before you lay this on him. Everyone's got room for improvement.

Thank you for this. I love how people conveniently disregard the one point I wanted to make sure came across in my initial post. I love the guy and don't want to break up with him. I am 42 and he will be 40 this year. He has gained 20 lbs but you also have to remember he was fairly soft when I met him but I was attracted to him then. I am really only surmising at this point that it's his weight gain because it's only been recently that I've noticed I can't seem to get as turned on by him as I used to. And for those that want to say I should love him no matter what ... yes ... I do love him but that doesn't equate to being physically attracted. Not to be crass, but when he's on top of me and he's out of breath and sweat is dropping off his face onto mine and his stomach is jiggling, it's hard for me to stay turned on. I don't want an Adonis, but I would like him to be physically fit.

 

He has had some busy and stressful times in the past several months that have kept him away from the gym and he mentions his weight quite a bit (I NEVER say anything about it) so I would like to give it more time and see if maybe he can get back to a healthier weight. I WANT to be turned on by him but if it's not there, it's not there. My issue is still how I should approach it as the last couple of times he's mentioned that he's getting concerned that I can't achieve orgasm and I don't know what to say? I absolutely do not want to hurt his feelings

 

Just as a side note: make sure that you're holding yourself to the same standard before you lay this on him. Everyone's got room for improvement.

Absolutely. I'm 5'2" and 105# and run, swim and play tennis but I could always get a little more toned up.

[sally4sara]

Everyone has their triggers about what is attractive and what is not.

 

I love my husband and am very attracted to him. He has gained some weight, pulled it off, varying stages in between - no real change to the attraction.

 

But if he were to stop grooming himself, smelling bad, sneezing into his hands and eating it or wiping it on his clothes - it would sick me out and I'd be entirely turned off. How is it any different than someone who sees weight gain as unattractive. Sure he can lose the weight and she should talk to him about it because its a health issue. What I described above is also not a permanent condition but would you be telling me I'm immature if I came on here and made complaints about foul smells and snot killing my want for sexy time?

[Lauriebell82]

 

He has had some busy and stressful times in the past several months that have kept him away from the gym and he mentions his weight quite a bit (I NEVER say anything about it) so I would like to give it more time and see if maybe he can get back to a healthier weight. I WANT to be turned on by him but if it's not there, it's not there. My issue is still how I should approach it as the last couple of times he's mentioned that he's getting concerned that I can't achieve orgasm and I don't know what to say? I absolutely do not want to hurt his feelings

 

Approach the issue very softly. Does he have a desire to take the weight off? Everyone has a stressful and busy life, you have to MAKE time to go to the gym or workout no matter waht.

 

I would say something like this:

 

"Hey honey, I noticed that you seem a bit heavier since we broke up. I know this has been an emotional time and I am very glad we got back together. You have made several comments about your weight, if you'd like to improve your health and start eating healthier and working out I can help you. It can be something we could do together. I love you and I want you to be healthy and happy."

 

So make it about health and less about being overweight and attractive to you.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Since you're in an older age range, you have to understand that it's harder for men to lose weight once they put it on. I'm approaching 30, and I'm unable to lose weight like I used to.

 

I'd suggest trying to be understanding about his weight gain. If it bothers you a lot, suggest that he can go on a diet, and you'll help him with it. He obviously feels insecure enough (drawing attention to it) about it, that he'd probably jump at the chance.

 

Also, by this time you should realize that looks fade, but personality stays forever. If you're primarily drawn by attraction, and not personality, you're not going to have a long-lasting relationship.

[Lauriebell82]

I think that's being a little harsh...people in love feel less attracted because of weight gain all the time. That doesn't mean they love the person less..it's just strain on the physical part of the relationship.

 

Yeah, I would agree with this. If my husband gained 20 pounds I wouldn't love him any less, or want to divorce him or anything. More then just him being thin, I would be worried about his health, as being overweight decreases your lifespan and quality of life, putting you more at risk for heart attack or heart disease.

[Banker Chick]

Thanks for the suggestions and understanding.

 

It's hard to set goals together because we are essentially long distance and with him working full time and going to school full time (he went back to school to become a teacher) we don't see each other often. If we did I'm sure that would be a tremendous help because we like to be active when we spend time together.

 

The core of the issue isn't so much me worrying about his weight (if that makes sense). He was pretty heavy at one time (almost 300 lbs) and realized he needed to lose weight and he did. After we started dating he stepped up his game even more and was looking really nice. He's a bigger guy anyway at 6 foot with big arms and a big chest so I've always been attracted to that. He went to the gym a lot when we met and he plays on two softball leagues now so it isn't as if he's lazy. With all the self-deprecating comments he makes and the fact he feels I get a lot of attention from guys, I'm fairly certain the situation will work itself out eventually.

 

My biggest concern is what do I say to him now when he asks why he can't seem to please me. I almost want to lie to spare his feelings. No matter how I word it, the message he's going to hear is "I'm repulsed by you physically and can no longer get turned on by you" which is not the case. Luckily, we don't see each other much so it's not as big an issue as it would be for some but frankly, I am starting to get frustrated that I'm not getting sexually satisfied ... I try hard to get in the moment and do whatever I can to stay turned on but it's just not happening ...leaving us both frustrated.

[Lauriebell82]

It's hard to set goals together because we are essentially long distance and with him working full time and going to school full time (he went back to school to become a teacher) we don't see each other often. If we did I'm sure that would be a tremendous help because we like to be active when we spend time together.

 

You guys can still chat on the phone about it and when you do see each other, make sure you continue to be active. You can help him by just supporting him and talking to him about it. Losing weight is much easier if you have someone to talk to about your frustrations.

 

 

My biggest concern is what do I say to him now when he asks why he can't seem to please me. I almost want to lie to spare his feelings. No matter how I word it, the message he's going to hear is "I'm repulsed by you physically and can no longer get turned on by you" which is not the case. Luckily, we don't see each other much so it's not as big an issue as it would be for some but frankly, I am starting to get frustrated that I'm not getting sexually satisfied ... I try hard to get in the moment and do whatever I can to stay turned on but it's just not happening ...leaving us both frustrated.

 

I would be honest but sugar coat it. You could do an anger sandwhich, which is a technique used to give someone constructive criticism and avoid a heated argument. Something like:

 

"I love being with you, I'm always pleased during sex, even if I can't orgasm. I have noticed that you have been heavier since we have gotten back together, that may be psychologically impacting my ability to orgasm. I want you to know though, that I love you so much and if you are willing, I could be a support system if you would like to get healthier and start exercising again."

 

So essentially it is two compliments, with a criticism "sandwhiched" in between.

[Star Gazer]

20 pounds on a guy who's 6' really isn't THAT much.

 

OP, are you fearful that he'll return to his heaviest weight? Is that what's really bothering you?

[Ms. Joolie]

ahaha! I like the anger sandwich. That is so my style of sweetness! I would call it the anger cookie, though.

 

Banker Chick, you may have to play the bigger role here and support your boyfriend with his well-being, if you don't intend on leaving him anytime soon. With his full time work and full time school, it's very easy to see how his sleep/diet/fitness is off track. His body is really taking the toll now.

[Els]

I find it interesting how everyone is ripping on her when many a guy has claimed to not be attracted to his wife/gf who gained a few lbs, and mostly received, 'Well, that's totally normal, dude! Overweight people aren't attractive. Why isn't she taking care of herself? If she cared about you she would, y'know??' responses.

 

I'd recommend joining him to workout, OP. Make it a fun couple thing. Do hikes, gym, skiing etc together.

[Banker Chick]

OP, are you fearful that he'll return to his heaviest weight? Is that what's really bothering you?

Interesting question. I've really thought about this and I don't think this is the case. He's admitted he wasn't happy then and knew he needed to get in shape. He's been very emphatic he will never return to that weight. He's very cognizant of how much he's gained in the past several months and he's always up for doing activities.

 

I know 20 lbs isn't much. It's just ... hmmm ... how do I say this and have it not sound horrible .... due to the fact he was 300 lbs (maybe a little heavier bc he's mentioned he lost about 100 lbs) for long enough, his body shape didn't go back to normal. He has quite a bit of excess skin (again, feels very self consious about) and he's also prone to gaining weight around his middle. He has a tiny butt and essentially no waist. So, as soon as he started gaining weight back, he gained it in his middle. I did see him yesterday and he was sitting there with no shirt on and he looked like a little Buddha baby. He constantly points out that he has moobs. I hate when he does this because there's nothing I can say positive. But no, it isn't attractive and he knows this.

 

He has very little money so he fell into the habit of eating poorly (fast food) and on the run since he was either working or in class. This semester his schedule has freed up so he's hoping to get back in the gym. Planned to start yesterday and now he's sick as a dog. Poor guy.

 

All this background info is why I want to stick around. The guy loves me like no one else has before and we are best friends. I am extremely emotionally attracted to him, it's just the physical stuff is lacking recently. I think this is a temporary blip but I just don't know what to do to help myself get turned on more and I just don't know how to explain all this to him. He's a smart guy so I imagine he's already figured it out anyway

Edited January 26, 2011 by Banker Chick

[Ms. Joolie]

To help yourself get turned on, you may have to take it in every other position other than him on top for a while. And I hope he's good with his mouth and hands. You can still have a good time there.

 

For the conversation, next time he mentions his moobs you can give him a straight up anger cookie.

[jenifer1972]

I can tell you what I did, maybe it will be helpful. My husband was packing on an alarming amount of weight this fall. Everyone in his family is overweight, both his parents have insulin resistance and NIDDM.

 

I expressed to him my concern that his weight increase was a significant health risk, metabolic syndrome, and that we should go on a low sugar diet together. We used the Belly Fat Cure book. Was quite an eye opener. The main premise is to limit simple sugars, try to stay under 15 gms per day. So many foods are deceiving. Even yogurt- 150 calories, but 20 gms of sugar! That is how weight is packed on. He lost 20 pounds and I lost 10 I hadn't been able to take off in 25 yrs! Because we did it together I didn't have to frame it any other way than we both should stop our bad sugar habit which is a creation of the last 20 yrs in America since the subsidy of the high fructose corn syrup industry.