ctwatlanta Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Here's the scoop. We're both older and mature single parents. She has a 7 yr old son and I have an 8 yr old daughter. We've both been around the block before and been crapped on by our respective children's other half. We met about 5 mo's ago and have been dating ever since. It was really nice dating someone that's been there/done that. She always told me how much she cared for me, missed me, etc. She always talked about how horrid her son's father is and how great it was to finally meet a dad like me that loved his child and that I actually had my life together...unlike the other losers she dated that cheated on her, etc. That said we spent several days per week together when each of us didn't have our children so it's been really great. Nonetheless, you know when you have that little gut feeling that something just isn't right? She said all the right things but sometimes it just feels too good to be true. She knew my daughters mother had cheated on me yrs ago and always talked about how she could never fathom cheating on anyone and how it disgusted her, etc. Well, as mentioned, something just didn't set right with me so when she was over earlier she used my computer to log into something... Well the big dummy left it completely open and I saw where she had an online dating personal and had begun meeting some guy over a month ago. She also left her phone open and I decided to look at it and sure enough she's been seeing this guy. They're exchanging nude pictures, etc. What makes it so hard for me is that I really wanted to believe her. She said all the right things to me. At this very moment she has no idea that I know. In fact, we were supposed to spend tonight together at my house since my daughter isn't here this week...however, she told me this afternoon that she was going to visit her sick mother in the hospital. She's out with him this very moment and it's tearing me apart. What should I do and how do I confront her with everything? I downloaded all the txt msg's, nude pix they're sharing with each other, etc. There will be no denying it from her. It's so hard sitting here alone right now in my house knowing that at this very moment she's out with him and I'm sure sleeping with him later tonight... My stomach is in knots and it will be so hard laying in bed tonight knowing she's actually with him. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
suddendumpee Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Don't confront her yet. Change your locks (if she has a key). Print out the text messages and photos. Put all of her stuff in a box with her name on it (with the photos/texts on top), and place everything outside your door. Then invite her over, and don't answer the door. If she harasses you, call the police. Simple as that. She deserves NO CONTACT, and no opportunity to explain things away. I find that those that speak the strongest against infidelity, and constantly comment on how "they could never do that" and how wrong it is...are covering for something. Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I agree with the above post. She lost your respect, and her rights to explain herself away. She wasted 5 months of your time, and not a second more! Link to post Share on other sites
Lemontang Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Yep I'm with Suddendumpee on this. I'd do just that. Nothing worse than someone who by all means looks down on people who do this saying how they could never do it and how they've had friends & family got through it only to not just do it themselves, but exploit the fact they can get away with it as well. You need to launch the F out of that relationship, close all doors. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctwatlanta Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 I'm glad I received this from you all as I was literally about to hit "send" on my cell phone telling her I hoped she had a good night tonight visiting her "mother" and that we needed to talk soon. So, you think I should do as you said and just erase her from my life without any explanation whatsoever? I was planning to just bite my lip until she came over next time and then confront her with everything, but you don't think I should even do that? Link to post Share on other sites
ccnaboy2000 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Wow man that is rough. Thats almost exactly what happened to me in my 4 yr marraige. I took her back and she did it TWO MORE TIMES with different men. Once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion. You owe her NOTHING. DO NOT take her back. Cut her out of your life completely. No contact, nothing. I'de put all your evidence in a box, send it to her, change you locks and everything, and never speak to her again. I guarantee you this, she will feel like crap, especially when her fling ends. When my wife cheated on me for the third time, she was sure she would be with this guy forever, but nope, it ended 2 months later. And she was completely devestated. And honestly, if she can put you through that kind of hurt AND lie to you. She isn't worth it. Thank your lucky stars your relationship was only 5 months and not 4 years, it would have been much harder. I'm wishing you well man, whenever your feeling down just post here and you'll get all the support you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Lemontang Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 As suddendumpee said. I'd pack what ever stuff she has in a box and leave it on her front door. Even the letters etc.... She'll get the hint pretty quickly that she's not welcome anymore and that it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctwatlanta Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks...but it's just so hard right now. See, I'm not getting any younger. I'm in my 40's now and it's really hard to meet a good woman. After my little girl's mom cheated on me 5 yrs ago I never dated anyone again...until this woman. She really played me like a fiddle. She knew I'd been cheated on and she had explained to me how she'd been cheated on...so it was so nice to have met someone that knew how I'd felt and knew the pain it caused. Therefore, I believed her when she said it disgusted her when someone cheats, etc. It really hurts knowing that this very moment she is out with him and I'm quite certain staying at his house this evening. I can't sleep, can't eat and feel like such a fool. It hurts so very bad because for the first time in many yrs I allowed myself to open up to someone that I felt had a lot in common with me due to our past. Link to post Share on other sites
suddendumpee Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Don't mail the stuff. Do EXACTLY what I said. Have a nice, normal flirty conversation with her and invite her over and tell her there is something VERY special at your place waiting for her. She will be all giddy and excited, wondering what romantic surprise is in store for her, then BAM. From an all-time high to an all-time low. If you don't want to be tempted to answer the door, leave your place and go to a strip club. Haha (kidding...sort of). But definitely do this. It will send the most PROFOUND message. Link to post Share on other sites
Lemontang Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I'm sure a lot of us have felt what your going through. I've been through this myself and one day decided to just get out on the field again. Yeah it sucks when you open up again only to get crushed just as quick and carried off the field again on a stretcher. But even if you don't win all the games the one you win is the one you'll remember and you'll quickly forget the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
suddendumpee Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks...but it's just so hard right now. See, I'm not getting any younger. I'm in my 40's now and it's really hard to meet a good woman. And you still haven't. The fish you catch is only relative to the bait used to catch it. Time to change the bait? She knew I'd been cheated on and she had explained to me how she'd been cheated on...so it was so nice to have met someone that knew how I'd felt and knew the pain it caused. Therefore, I believed her when she said it disgusted her when someone cheats, etc. I thought the same about my ex. She was VERY anti-cheating, but guess what? It really hurts knowing that this very moment she is out with him and I'm quite certain staying at his house this evening. We can all understand your pain. It is rare that someone posts here BEFORE any of the common breakup mistakes are made. SEIZE the opportunity to do this right. You will feel SO much better down the road. The pain will pass! I can't sleep, can't eat and feel like such a fool. It hurts so very bad because for the first time in many yrs I allowed myself to open up to someone that I felt had a lot in common with me due to our past. Again. I felt the same. Bottom line is that you KNOW, you will never trust her again and things will never be the same. Start letting go now by taking a stand and DO NOT give her the benefit of seeing how it has effected you. Be strong. Become a ghost, and be indifferent. She cause you pain, and deserves some herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctwatlanta Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 And you still haven't. The fish you catch is only relative to the bait used to catch it. Time to change the bait? I thought the same about my ex. She was VERY anti-cheating, but guess what? We can all understand your pain. It is rare that someone posts here BEFORE any of the common breakup mistakes are made. SEIZE the opportunity to do this right. You will feel SO much better down the road. The pain will pass! Again. I felt the same. Bottom line is that you KNOW, you will never trust her again and things will never be the same. Start letting go now by taking a stand and DO NOT give her the benefit of seeing how it has effected you. Be strong. Become a ghost, and be indifferent. She cause you pain, and deserves some herself. Hi everyone... Thanks for all the good advice. Suddendumpee, you make a good point about the bait. However, I really don't know what other bait to use. I don't live in a big city with tons of options and I work from home, so meeting people is very limited. I'm a single dad of an 8 yr old little girl so I don't have much time to socialize and many women are not open to dating a single father. I've been very protective of my heart and my little girl over the yrs and this is the first time I've opened up to someone. Now, of course, I feel like retreating as I've done this past several yrs and not opening up again for many yrs to come because it seems they're all the same and nothing has changed in the world. Knowing where she's at this very moment means tonight will be a very long and tough night for me. I'm ready for morning already and it's just 10pm here. Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Don't confront her yet. Change your locks (if she has a key). Print out the text messages and photos. Put all of her stuff in a box with her name on it (with the photos/texts on top), and place everything outside your door. Then invite her over, and don't answer the door. If she harasses you, call the police. Simple as that. She deserves NO CONTACT, and no opportunity to explain things away.^^^This. Have a nice, normal flirty conversation with her and invite her over and tell her there is something VERY special at your place waiting for her. She will be all giddy and excited, wondering what romantic surprise is in store for her, then BAM. From an all-time high to an all-time low.^^^But not this. The feeling of 'one upping' her will last only a short time, and you will soon realize how petty it was. We are not 18 anymore, and hopefully by our 40's have learned to deal with things on a little more mature level. {although trust me - I totally understand the urge !!!} The main thing here is to for you to keep your self respect. I am sooooo sorry this is happening to you. The relationship is already over. You have obviously lost respect and trust in this woman, and she is certainly not someone you want to expose your daughter to as an example. Not all women are like this. I for one have NEVER cheated on someone, nor would I. And that is because I have too much respect for myself. After what I went through with my STBXH, it would be a miracle for me to ever trust a man again - but I know that is in my head. It is not fair to paint every male with the same brush. I just know there has to be at least one good one out there somewhere... Keep posting. The good folks here at LS will help you get through the night. Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
suddendumpee Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 OK. I admit that I went a little overboard, but the second part just sounds like so much fun! Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 OK. I admit that I went a little overboard, but the second part just sounds like so much fun! Oh yes, IT DOES!!! And if he were 18, I'd say go for it {best fun I ever had was cutting the heads off of teddy bears, putting them in a box, and hand delivering them } But alas, that was a loooonnnnngggggg time ago, *sigh* Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 you shouldnt do anything. its over. you have your own life. you have a daughter to worry about. this chic doesnt matter...shes not your soul mate...shes a cheater and a liar. why are we even talking about this...you should have already moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
suddendumpee Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 you should have already moved on. Yea...this would be possible if he wasn't a human. Link to post Share on other sites
Lemontang Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 you shouldnt do anything. its over. you have your own life. you have a daughter to worry about. this chic doesnt matter...shes not your soul mate...shes a cheater and a liar. why are we even talking about this...you should have already moved on. This has only just happened. And like all things take time to process. Heck if this was the 1st relationship I'd gotten into after what his ex wife did only to have it pan out the same with another girl that'd rock me too. I'm just glad he's had the foresight to ask for advice before he goes ahead and does anything. We've all done something stupid after a breakup or discovery of sorts at one time or another. This is an opportunity to go about it with a clear mind, be the better person and keep his dignity intact. Link to post Share on other sites
Leandro Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I'm going to agree with what every one else said. You deserve way better. don't take her back. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
BOKI5 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Let it go... She is a fraud. She doesn't care about you or respect you to do something like this, especially when she knows how cheating causes heart break. This is not the type of woman you want to bring around your daughter. Well, I am under 25 but I would send a text saying I know you cheated. Bye bye. And basically just cut her off cold turkey. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 however, she told me this afternoon that she was going to visit her sick mother in the hospital. Oh for crissakes; she couldn't even bother coming up with something that's not a cliche. The box on the doorstep is a wonderful idea. Then go absolutely dark on her, no communications whatsoever. And I gotta tell you, I'm 48 and married, but my unmarried friends say it's a buyers' market out here for stable guys in their 40s ... Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Plus 10 points to the box idea. Doo eeet! Keep up posted! Link to post Share on other sites
bluebirdsfly Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Nonetheless, you know when you have that little gut feeling that something just isn't right? She said all the right things but sometimes it just feels too good to be true. Yeah, I know what you are talking about. And I just learned recently that we need to trust out gut feelings, because that's our whole being trying to tell us that something has been wrong and our brain has not figured it yet. And if something feels too good to be true, then it is. You know we all have our weaknesses and some people are very good at finding out them and manipulate us. The "too good" feeling are usually comes from manipulation, because they are trying to accommodating us by using our weaknesses. And even when our brain refused to admit that we are manipulated, our gut will tell us that something's not right at all. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctwatlanta Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. I hate to say this but in a sadistic way it's true that you find comfort within the misery of others. I guess it's just knowing that others can sympathize. Nonetheless, I've got a BIG QUESTION for everyone. I took your advice and printed everything off...pix, mail, txt, etc. I then blocked both her phone number and her Facebook page. Well before I could drop the package off at her frontdoor I received a frantic email from her. "U block my email, you deleted me from Facebook...what the hell did I do???" Here is my question to you all. I have three options as I see it. A) I go ahead and drop the package off with everything. B) I respond to her email and tell her I'm breaking up with her because I've found someone else. (Although this is not the case, she does not know it!) C) I do nothing and just vanish completely. I could do (A) because there's a part of me that wants to drop the package off just so she knows I know. However, by doing that I feel as though I'm giving her the satisfaction of knowing that she caused this...thus empowering her to some extent. I could do (B) and that would really piss her off...but it makes me look like a piece of crap. ...or I could just do © and vanish. It obviously bothers her to some extent and possibly her not knowing why I just cut her off is what's best. Right now I'm leaning towards option © and not even giving her the satisfaction of knowing why I've cut her off. Thoughts/suggestions? Thanks everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
suddendumpee Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 A) I go ahead and drop the package off with everything. This is the best option! It will not empower her, it will empower YOU! Trust me. I was in this boat. If you do not confront her with the truth, she will try to spin everything to her friends/family as YOU being the *******. You will then feel the need to confront her with the truth later, and the pissing match will get deep and ugly. You must do this in the honest way. No lies. B) I respond to her email and tell her I'm breaking up with her because I've found someone else. (Although this is not the case, she does not know it!) Never take the low road. Tell the truth and leave with your dignity! C) I do nothing and just vanish completely. You will always have a dying urge to tell her that you know. Just get it over with before she attempts to run YOUR name through the dirt. Remember you have PROOF of what she did, and if she tries to ruin your reputation, you have evidence to the contrary. A for sure!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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