Bit of an update...want some input

[Citizen Erased]

I wasn't sure if I should post this in the LDR forum or the Getting Married one, but I think you guys would get where I'm coming from with this....

 

I'm still not sure when my visa will be done, it looks like best case scenario will be late March, early April... if it's approved of course. Problem is, my mother is getting married in June, obviously she wants me there and she's been guilt tripping me about if I'm not there.

 

I applied for this visa in September, she knew I would more than likely not be around at that time when she started planning her wedding in December. I know it's "only" two months extra I'd have to wait but you guys know what it's like, I don't want to wait a day longer than I have to. We waited 5 months between our last visit and it was awful. And I feel a bit upset at being expected to change my plans when I had stated mine to everyone months before she started hers. But I can see where she's coming from, my siblings aren't speaking to her and she wants me there as her MOH.

 

I can't fly back from the US until my Greencard application has been approved, I'm entitled one entry into the US under the K-1 visa. I can apply to get early parole so I can leave the country and come back, but I have no faith in that being approved early enough for it to be of use to me.

 

I don't know, I just wanted some opinions.

 

One other thing...

 

Our situation is clear, obviously we're taking a risk and a huge step in getting married, given we've only had 3 visits with each other. The huge distance has made it impossible to be otherwise. We're fine with it but we don't expect everyone to understand.

His family have been...less than welcoming. I am feeling hesitant about changing my name once we're married. I want to, I'm pretty old fashioned regarding this, I was never that attached to a name but I feel given they don't know me, or even accept me, it's weird for me to associate myself in that way with them. If I don't, it can be taken the wrong way, and if I do it can be seen a presumptuous.

 

Again, opinions please.

[anne1707]

It's a tough call for you. I can understand your mother wanting you there and she is probably getting more emotional about you leaving as the months pass hence why this did not seem like such a big deal before. I suppose a starting point is thinking about how you would feel if you did not go to her wedding and how does that compare to another couple of months not being with Pyro when you know you will be spending the rest of your life with him.

 

As for the name change. I changed my surname when I married Wuggle. His family were not particularly enthusiastic about me at the time and his sisters have got a big thing about the family name (even though they both had changed their names when they got married). The way I see it, is that it is Pyro you are marrying and his family just come along as part of that deal. It is his name that you are taking, not theirs.

[folieadeux]

With everything delayed as much as it has been so far, it doesn't seem like you'd get the approval to fly back in time for your mother's wedding. I also can totally understand that you don't want to delay starting your life together with Pyro anymore than you have to. I have no idea what your schedules are like, but if you did stay behind, would it be possible for him to stay with you for another visit and you both can make the wedding?

 

To me, it does seem a bit unfair as everyone knew about your plans ahead of time and what to expect but at least you're trying everything you can to be there.

 

I'm sorry to hear about his family situation too. Honestly, I would still take his last name. I know people do very different things nowadays with respect to that, but I'm old fashioned when it comes to that too and personally wouldn't want it any other way for me. You just got to look at it like this...you're taking HIS name, not theirs. My SO has no contact with his biological father nor that side of the family for reasons I won't get into here. But despite that, he still chose to keep his surname after his mother re-married and I have no problem taking his name. For me, I'll be doing it for him and disassociate the name with the less than favorable people behind it.

[denise_xo]

I'll just chime in on the name issue: I'm with Anne on this. You're marrying Pyro, not his whole family. If the two are you are both comfortable with you taking his name and that's what you prefer, then that's what you should do.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't know what to say about the mom thing ... I guess you are going to have to do what feels the most right for you. I would probably cave to my mother's wishes, but that is just me. I was a daughter who would not even miss a single Christmas with my horrible, dysfunctional family.

 

The name change? Since you are clearly disposed towards changing it, you must give yourself this. His family? I am very sorry that it has not been a comfortable situation for you. I bet that feels bad. I hope that they will come around once the two of you are actually married and you ARE in their family.

 

With these things going on, I truly hope that you can still experience the joy and the fun around getting to finally marry the person you love. Don't let all that cramp your style!

[carhill]

Under the very likely scenario that the K-1 will run over on the ETA, I'd confer with fiance and make plans to attend mom's wedding. The wedding is apparently a sure thing; the visa still nebulous at this point. If it was in hand, my opinion might differ.

 

On the name, if you and fiance are in agreement, that's the path. Marriage is a joining of two people and also of two families. The two people are primary.

 

Best wishes with your decision and upcoming nuptials

[LittleTiger]

As someone who's in a similar LDR to yours, to be perfectly honest, if I was you I'd skip the wedding and start your life with Pyro - unless he can get over to join you for the wedding, which would probably be the ideal scenario. Once my kiwi man and I have a date to be together permanently I'm not going to let anything delay it. Life is short enough as it is.

 

Of course, if you think you'll feel guilty for not being there then you'll have to consider that too. It also depends on how close you and your mother are - from your post it sounds as though missing her wedding would be more of a issue for her than for you.

 

I don't really understand the need to have your family around when you get married anyway (especially when you're 'older') - as long as my man turns up at our wedding I don't care who else is there - so I'm surprised your Mum is that concerned.

 

She isn't trying to manipulate you a little is she, since you are about to 'leave home' in the most extreme sense? People do funny things when they're about to lose someone close.

 

Regarding the name change, I'm with everyone else. You're marrying Pyro and taking his name - it has nothing to do with the rest of the family. However, if you feel really uncomfortable doing that you can always keep your name to start with and change it later on once his family has 'warmed up' a little.

 

That's my opinion

[Woggle]

I can't really speak about the name change but can't you just get married now legally and have the ceremony later on? It would make travel back and forth much easier.

[laRubiaBonita]

my POV is about the name change.

 

i am 'old fashioned' and took on my H's last name; but i guess most women decide to drop either their maiden name or middle name.

 

i did not want to drop anything, i love my middle name- i am named after both of my GGmothers, and i felt that my last name was who i am/ was as well.

so i just added his last name, and i have two middle names now. But even that simple thing has turned to be a small pain, ie- i went to vote and they could initially find me on the registration- turns out they have hyphenated our last names, so i am listed by maiden-married- WRONG.

also on my Drivers license they will not just stick initials on there (for my 2 middle names); so what the DMV did was drop a letter from my middle name, which i thought was crap.

 

but i think any choice you choose, should be respected.

Edited January 25, 2011 by laRubiaBonita

[Rollercoasterr]

CE, Mathew's AP came about a month and a half after applying for AOS. I'm not saying it will be that way for you, but it's worth a shot. Also, there was a filer from the July group on VJ that applied for an expedite on his AP because of a similar situation. AP arrived in 10 days. So don't lose faith that things wont come in time. I know that waiting for your NOA2 is rough, but after that everything else goes rather quickly. I hate that it's that way now, I had truly hoped that you'd be lucky like we were and get approved in a month, but USCIS has pretty much decided to start moving at a crawl.

 

However, my mother pulled some pretty nasty shenanigans before Mathew's visa was approved, even though she loves him. Seems as if impending marriage and life changing situations seem to bring out the worst in some people. Mom actually scheduled a major surgery during one of my trips to Canada to try and guilt me in to not going.

 

The point is that you have to live your life for YOU. Forget all of the other people for just a second and think about what you really want to do about this. You've got 3 choices-- stay an extra couple of months, apply for an expedite for your AP and hope it comes in time, or wish your mother well from afar. None of these are easy decisions to make. Mathew ended up staying in Canada for 2 months after his approval to visit with his family and save up extra money and those 2 months were the most excruciating of our relationship, and it was pure hell on us both. If given the option to do it all over again even he says he would have rather waited for his AP so that we could have visited them together.

 

As for the last name issue, that's one that we kind of struggled with, even though his parents love me. In Quebec, women don't take the last names of their husbands but I always knew that I wanted my husbands last name. Mathew was at first against the idea and it took a few months before he finally came around to it. It's a personal choice and if it makes you happy, I say go for it! You're marrying Pryo, not his family. Also, keep in mind that it's easier to file for your greencard with the name you're going to keep forever. It'll be a huge headache if you decided to change it later, not to mention costly. Again, do what YOU want to do, this is your life we're talking about here, not his family's.

 

Edited January 25, 2011 by Rollercoasterr

[BenThereDunThat]

I can speak to the guilt from mom part. When I was about 24/25, I was madly in love with a guy who lived a 5 hour car drive from me.

 

We were head over heals for each other and my parents loved him. Then I told them I was going to move up to where he lived.

 

They freaked....(I don't even want to think about how they would have reacted if I'd told them I was moving to Australia! )

 

We ended up breaking up before I moved up there but for the longest time I always wondered if the trip my parents were laying on my head didn't have a little sub-conscious impact.

 

My biggest point here is: Given the chance, my older and wiser self would have told my younger self to not worry about the parent guilt thing. They'll get over it. Might be a little rough at first but everything will work out in the end. Life is funny that way when you know you're doing what is right for you.

 

Follow your heart. If you're able to feasibly go back for her wedding, great. If not, try not to sweat it. You will never regret living your life for YOU.

 

You will never regret it.

 

ETA: And just because your siblings aren't speaking to her doesn't mean it's fair to you to have to shoulder everything else.

Edited January 25, 2011 by BenThereDunThat

[aerogurl87]

That's a tough situation to be in. If it were me though, I'd tell my mother that there are alot of risks if I leave the US early and come back home for her wedding, and that I'd love to be there but seeing as she didn't ask me to be her MOH beforehand when my fiance and I were planning my move, I can't. I'm not sure how immigration into the US works, but I know for Canada, it's pretty expensive and I think if you apply inland there, you can't leave the country once you're inside unless you don't need a travel visa to re-enter and even then they can put restrictions on your application. So if it were me I would have to unfortunately tell my mother no.

 

I also know what you mean about family not being supportive. My mom is very much against me moving in with my boyfriend after 1 year of dating and what will be 3 visits when he comes here next month. She says we're rushing things and her and my dad aren't giving us any real support. if anything they're plotting to run him off I think. But even then it's not their opinions that matter, it's mine and my boyfriends. Same with you and Pyro. It doesn't matter what anyone else says because they're not the ones who are gonna have to wake up every morning and live with the decision to get married. All that matters is what you two want. I know it's nice to have support, but sometimes support doesn't come at first. Sometimes it comes later when you prove everyone wrong. And if you want to take his last name, do it. Don't let anyone's attitude stop you from doing what you want to do.

Edited January 26, 2011 by aerogurl87

[Citizen Erased]

Thanks guys, you've all been a big help.

 

For starters, you're all right, I shouldn't let his family prevent me from what I want to do, what I'm entitled to do actually. So I will be Mrs Pyro. It's hard, I never considered my family to be that close or great, everyone's always fighting with someone, but it still didn't prepare me for his family.

 

anne - to be honest, I don't think it would affect me too much. But it will her. I try not to cause pain in my family, they all do that to each other enough. She told me she'd be at mine and then a couple of months later decided to plan her wedding at the time she knew I'd be going over there and planning my own wedding. But...It will be hard not having my mum there when I get married and I guess I don't want her feeling that way the day she gets married when I'm not there and only maybe my sister will turn up.

 

folieadeux - He could maybe come here, but it would be time off work I'd rather he take when I move there and am adjusting to living in another country. That's another thing I'm preparing for.

I will definitely be disassociating myself from certain members of his family. There's some things I can forgive, and insulting my fiance and pretty much saying I'm only in it for a Greencard, isn't on the list of some things.

 

Mme. Chaucer - usually I'd cave too. A year long LDR has changed my priorities though. And thank you, I am sure once everything is sorted I will start to get excited about it, and once we're married there's nothing that will stop me from being disgustingly happy.

 

Thanks Carhill, for the good wishes and the advice. I know that logically, staying until after is what I should do. It's hard for me to make a decision given how uncertain things are...

[Star Gazer]

I know nothing about how visas and all of that work. What I do know (or really, believe) is that you should be there for your mother. You're both making huge lifetime commitments with your SOs. She's supportive of yours, you should be supportive of hers in the way that you can be, by standing up with her as MOH. My 2 cents there.

 

As for the name change, the way I see it, you'd be taking Pyro's name. Not his parents' or his family's. I also think it might help them in some subconscious way to think, "She's one of us now."

[JustJoe]

Thanks guys, you've all been a big help.

 

For starters, you're all right, I shouldn't let his family prevent me from what I want to do, what I'm entitled to do actually. So I will be Mrs Pyro. It's hard, I never considered my family to be that close or great, everyone's always fighting with someone, but it still didn't prepare me for his family.

 

anne - to be honest, I don't think it would affect me too much. But it will her. I try not to cause pain in my family, they all do that to each other enough. She told me she'd be at mine and then a couple of months later decided to plan her wedding at the time she knew I'd be going over there and planning my own wedding. But...It will be hard not having my mum there when I get married and I guess I don't want her feeling that way the day she gets married when I'm not there and only maybe my sister will turn up.

 

folieadeux - He could maybe come here, but it would be time off work I'd rather he take when I move there and am adjusting to living in another country. That's another thing I'm preparing for.

I will definitely be disassociating myself from certain members of his family. There's some things I can forgive, and insulting my fiance and pretty much saying I'm only in it for a Greencard, isn't on the list of some things.

 

Mme. Chaucer - usually I'd cave too. A year long LDR has changed my priorities though. And thank you, I am sure once everything is sorted I will start to get excited about it, and once we're married there's nothing that will stop me from being disgustingly happy.

 

Thanks Carhill, for the good wishes and the advice. I know that logically, staying until after is what I should do. It's hard for me to make a decision given how uncertain things are...

Bottom line, CE. You do what you and Pyro feel is right for BOTH of you. The hardest thing a person has to do , when entering into a marriage , is to stop thinking ME and start thinking WE. His family will get to know you and adjust....or not. Those that do are family, those that don't are *********s. As far as your Mom or Mum, couldn't you two sit down as mature people and try to work out some kind of arrangement where you could be at each other's weddings, without all this angst?

[Pyro]

as far as my family goes, its only two members of my family who have not given us full support. My mum for one but my mum is very weird and if the peace is kept she will eventually come around.

 

That leads me to the prime suspect: my sister:rolleyes: My sister assumes that because our parents and my brother had disasterous marriages that I shouldn't get married. I could sympathize with her if she was truly looking out for me but the fact that she had to throw insults in there towards CE is more than enough for me to see her true colors.

 

Fortunately for us we will be living in Michigan and she is living in Pasadena. Anyone in the Pasadena area is more than welcome to give her an attitude adjustment.

[Els]

If you are going to be moving to be with Pyro for (hopefully) the rest of your life, I would strongly advise you to wait for 2 months and attend your mother's wedding, unless you can afford to go and then fly back during the wedding. Unless you really think she planned it later on purpose to trap you (I hope not!). I know as much as anyone that it sucks to wait for a few more months, but you are already going to leave her, at least give her that wedding if it means that much to her.

 

No opinions on the last name. It's not something I'd ever given much thought to as in my culture it is virtually expected for a woman to take a man's, and everyone would look at you funny if you didn't.

[JustJoe]

as far as my family goes, its only two members of my family who have not given us full support. My mum for one but my mum is very weird and if the peace is kept she will eventually come around.

 

That leads me to the prime suspect: my sister:rolleyes: My sister assumes that because our parents and my brother had disasterous marriages that I shouldn't get married. I could sympathize with her if she was truly looking out for me but the fact that she had to throw insults in there towards CE is more than enough for me to see her true colors.

 

Fortunately for us we will be living in Michigan and she is living in Pasadena. Anyone in the Pasadena area is more than welcome to give her an attitude adjustment.

Pasadena, CA or Pasadena, Tex?

[JustJoe]

BTW, sisters can be a huge pain in the ass. My mom had an affair when we were in HS. She and Dad reconciled, and it's been smooth sailing since then. Except for my sister, who trashes Mom any chance she gets. It makes for some really fun Holidays, I can tell you.

[Pyro]

Pasadena, CA or Pasadena, Tex?

 

Cali.

 

She likes to say things to get attention. We plan on ignoring her so it will be alright. She has mentioned moving back up here and if she does then the few family gatherings that we have may become awkward.

[melodymatters]

Hey you guys ! Love has no time frame : I met my first H on the last nght of a vacation to LA from NYC. The way we clicked was AMAZING ! We stayed up all night talking and when entered my apt in NYC the next day, the phone was already ringing I moved there 2 weeks later, RIGHT in with him and we married a month after that. He was a wonderful kind person and my best friend, but it turned out he had some addiction problems and after our daughter was born 7 yrs later we split. I never regretted it, he was my first love. Oh, and his family HATED me, lol, but we didn't give a damn !

 

I think you should hold off on a firm decision about moms wedding until you get your visa. If it's less than a month away, wait, if not, well she is a grown woman, and you made YOUR plans first.

 

I loved my name and never changed it, but since you WANT to, then you and pryro should be a family and be the "Pyro's" ! Screw the sister from pasadena. If I listened to any of my partners mothers or sisters, I would be a virgin spinster for sure !

[Star Gazer]

she is living in Pasadena.

 

Is she a lil' old lady?

[Citizen Erased]

Is she a lil' old lady?

 

 

I have words to describe her but lady certainly isn't one of them.

[Star Gazer]

 

Did you get the reference?

 

P.S. I actually grew up in Pasadena (0-12). Small world.

[Citizen Erased]

Did you get the reference?

 

Thanks to Big Bang Theory, yes