For Tony, just curious...

[artlover]

Hey Tony:

 

I know you mentioned once that you're happily married (congratulations!). If you don't mind answering this question, I'm just curious... Did you know right away with your wife? Did you have to play games to get her? Or was it one of those cases where you had both been through the romantic ringer and neither of you had time to dilly dally and you just clicked?

 

Also, can you recommend a good book on uncovering and transcending repressed anger? Not an anger management book, but one that helps you uncover buried anger.

 

Thanks!

[Tony T]

I did not know right away but I knew pretty quick. I'm sorry my answer to your next question won't be of much use to you. My wife is from Japan, where the culture, morals, standards of honesty and decensy are sort of different. I did not play games with her at all. She was kind, sweet, thoughtful, considerate, generous, caring, devoted, loving and many other great things right off the bat. Those increased in intensity as the relationship evolved.

 

I will also tell you that I do not feel the great passion for my wife that I have felt for other women in the past. But those I felt so passionately about were so often manipulators, dishonest, disloyal, etc. I would not trade all the passion in the universe for the contented, loving and secure feeling I now enjoy. Fortunately, I am not addicted to the chemicals of passion that fizzle out eventually and cause so many problems in a relationship devoid of other commonalities.

 

I do want you to know I have always been an expert at game playing...and that was my problem. I easily got most any women I set out to...and through very tough and emotionally costly lessons found out I had set out for the WRONG person.

 

You sort of hit the nail on the head in your post. My wife has not so much been through the ringer, but I had been through it so many times I had to have reconstructive surgery. Get blasted out of the saddle enough times and you are just ready for something nice. I used to be exactly like so many people who post here who go for the people who treat them like crap, are dishonest, disrespectful, etc. I NEVER EVER went for the sweet ladies, no matter how beautiful they were, if they seemed to really like me and want to be right there for me. I had to just bust my butt to win over the fully certified world class bxtches. I was the most stupid man alive on the planet. I wish I had a forum when I was younger to know some sense into my head. Al Gore had not yet invented the Internet.

 

There are many reasons why we gravitate to situations that are unhealthy and unfulfilling...because we just LLUUUUVVVEEEE somebody. That's a lot of bull. That's not love at all. It's a sickness. Nowadays, I don't take a second of abuse, inconsideration or discourtesy from anybody...and magically I never get any since I developed that attitude.

 

At any rate, I guess we all have to go through our own thing to finally arrive at where we need to be...if we are lucking enough.

 

As far as books on anger, "The Dance of Anger" is one. "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything" by Albert Ellis is another. You will find many others in your public library or in the self help section of the major book stores. In addition, you might just want to enter "anger" in one of the good search engines to find sites that deal with getting to the core of repressed anger issues. There are few books for the layman on getting to the roots of repressed anger because that's a pretty specialized area and often requires the expert assistance of a therapist.

 

Repressed anger can be devastating your our lives, cause depression, and do so much other damage. If you think you have some issues related to anger, a highly qualified psychological counsellor could do wonders. Hypnosis is also a very good way of getting to the roots of a person's anger.

 

I hope I have answered your questions. I wish I could get the gift of brevity...something for me to work on.

[artlover]

Thanks Tony for such candid answers! I've been in therapy for the past year (first time) and it was through therapy that I realized I have repressed anger. It never even occured to me that I could have that problem. I don't think it's an extreme case by any means, but it is there. It's taken this long for me to finally identify it, so I feel therapy has been extremely worthwhile. I've also worked out my other major issues or at least I've learned how to better cope with them. Thank God. After this anger stuff, I feel I'll have the space to not only have another serious relationship, but also do the things I feel I was put here to do! Thanks for the book recommendations!

 

As for my major dating problem: I've generally been that "nice woman" that emotionally unavailable men push away. Although I have a wonderful mother who took care of my emotional and material needs, my father was never in my life. I now know this is why I've made a habit of doing that, getting involved over and over with that type. And, of course, my repressed anger is at my father! I have to say though, I've always had pretty decent boundaries and I never got sucked in too deep with any of the unavailable men I dated. Either I would walk away early when I saw they couldn't give me what I needed or they would walk away *before* sleeping with me. After all, I am such a "nice" woman. But I now know that even attracting the same type over and over means something, hence the therapy. I think that's also why I'm able to put the stuff with my friend in such perspective. He has abandonment issues and so do I. Now is probably not the right time for us to try to form a relationship. But if he stays in my life as a friend, anything can happen down the line!

 

Thanks again!