babybear Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Hi all, This might be better suited for the break up forum, but thought maybe you could help me shed some light. I was in a long term relationship (4 yrs) that just very recently ended in the last few days. We are both in our late 20's, and we met in our first year of grad school. Things went great for about 2 yrs. At that point, we started to talk about marriage. But, the problem is - he is Muslim, and I'm Hindu. We didn't mind that, but could not figure out how to please his parents AND mine if we had children. We both wanted our parents to be very involved. Long story short - prolonging the relationship started to be pointless, b/c we already knew we were ready for marriage, but these issues left huge question marks in our heads that kept us stagnant. I ended it this past week b/c I'm going to be 30 soon, and I knew if I stayed we'd be in limbo for a few more years. I'm so confused b/c when I met him, I thanked God every day for bringing me my soul mate. Has anyone ever felt like they were blessed with the most perfect mate, and they wondered how they were so lucky? Anyway, I told myself that doubt was God's way of telling me no (for now) and that maybe time apart would bring me clarity. So...I'm waiting for clarity! Just wondering if anyone's been in a similar situation - and how they learned to let go or talk themselves through something like this. I believe if it's meant to be it'll happen for us, but I felt like I had to take a step back. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Hi there, My sympathies, that sounds very tough. I'm in an inter faith marriage, but we don't want children and to be honest I'm really not sure what my position would be if we did. In your case, what does 'pleasing the parents' really mean? There's quite a difference between being expected to take part in key rituals, and having core tenets of faith as a dominant element in an upbringing. To what extent have you actually discussed this with your parents? And do you and your (ex/potential) partner agree on how the two of you (setting family aside for a while) see the issue of how the children should be raised? Link to post Share on other sites
edgeofdarkness Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 yeah, wanted to know, how devout r both sets of parents? Is he-are they strong faith, or what? Bcus if u hd married him, and if they were really devout and practising Muslims - you wd hv bin expected to convert. No s*it. Muslims do not convert out of Islam. N E one marrying into Islamic marraiges HAS to convert, it's their expectasion. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 N E one marrying into Islamic marraiges HAS to convert, it's their expectasion. This simply isn't true. SOME Muslims expect conversation, not all. However, it's easier for a woman to marry a Muslim man and keep her own (other) religion, than a non-Muslim man to marry a Muslim woman without converting. Link to post Share on other sites
edgeofdarkness Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 ok, sorry. Where I live mainly its women marrying Muslim guys, and thye hv to convert. I know two western women who mrried Muslim men and they both wear veils now. They said it ws expected. Either that or the guys are not devout muslims and go against family wishes... not cool here. Most muslim women who marry western men here are liberal and emancepatid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Hi there, In your case, what does 'pleasing the parents' really mean? There's quite a difference between being expected to take part in key rituals, and having core tenets of faith as a dominant element in an upbringing. To what extent have you actually discussed this with your parents? And do you and your (ex/potential) partner agree on how the two of you (setting family aside for a while) see the issue of how the children should be raised? In terms of pleasing the parents - I guess what I mean is that his parents want grandchildren more than anything! And they want to probably be able to teach them prayers and so forth. And, the thing is, I'm not at all opposed to any of that. It's just that these 2 religions are so contradictory in terms of many things, that I can't see how they can successfully coexist. My uncle married a Christian woman and they've had no problem celebrating our holidays and Christmas. And I'm not even so religious that I refuse to marry out of my religion. But, when his religion is condemning 'idol worshipers' and I want to take my kids to the temple - it poses a bit of a predicament. So, I feel that they would need to be predominantly one religion, while observing key rituals of the other person's. But that's where we get stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 yeah, wanted to know, how devout r both sets of parents? Is he-are they strong faith, or what? Bcus if u hd married him, and if they were really devout and practising Muslims - you wd hv bin expected to convert. No s*it. Muslims do not convert out of Islam. N E one marrying into Islamic marraiges HAS to convert, it's their expectasion. I do know a lot of devoutly religious people like that, but his family is fairly liberal. His aunt is european and his other aunt is filipino. Nobody converted - but they both agreed to raise muslim kids, whereas I said I couldn't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 I'm just going to give it some space and time and see how things go. Maybe if we both realize in time there is nobody else for us, we'd be more inclined to make it work. Or maybe we are both able to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 whose kids wd they be? u hv kids to please u, not someone else, when these folks die, yr left with the mangled mess to clear up, religions like these can mess with there minds,. If this ws me, (given u say everything is really liberal) u bring up kids to educste them in both religions and study them but let them mk there own minds up when they old enuff. if yr parents were one political party, and his another, u wouldnt think of making yer kids follow either 1 party or the other, from birth so religion is rhe same. brink kids up nurtrally and let them decide whn older. there yr kids, not the grandparent kids! Do what u know and believe is best, not them. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 In terms of pleasing the parents - I guess what I mean is that his parents want grandchildren more than anything! And they want to probably be able to teach them prayers and so forth. And, the thing is, I'm not at all opposed to any of that. It's just that these 2 religions are so contradictory in terms of many things, that I can't see how they can successfully coexist. My uncle married a Christian woman and they've had no problem celebrating our holidays and Christmas. And I'm not even so religious that I refuse to marry out of my religion. But, when his religion is condemning 'idol worshipers' and I want to take my kids to the temple - it poses a bit of a predicament. So, I feel that they would need to be predominantly one religion, while observing key rituals of the other person's. But that's where we get stuck. Yes, I see how those two are challenging to combine. I guess your one option would be to reconsider the bit in bold. Children are flexible creatures. I think they are able to process that X believes in that and Y believes in that and we celebrate with both of them (and then, in your home, you emphasise the best of both religions). Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I do know a lot of devoutly religious people like that, but his family is fairly liberal. His aunt is european and his other aunt is filipino. Nobody converted but they both agreed to raise muslim kids, whereas I said I couldn't do that. He doesn't sound devot at all. A Christian or Jew, as I am supposing a Filipino or European would be, are considered of The Book by Muslims so it would be okay while Hindus are considered Pagan and would not be acceptable to those living under submission to God. Since he is or was not a practicing Muslim it is more likely a family and not faith conflict he is facing. The faith of his family is intruding on your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 He doesn't sound devot at all. A Christian or Jew, as I am supposing a Filipino or European would be, are considered of The Book by Muslims so it would be okay while Hindus are considered Pagan and would not be acceptable to those living under submission to God. Since he is or was not a practicing Muslim it is more likely a family and not faith conflict he is facing. The faith of his family is intruding on your life. Taiko, you perfectly put into words what I've been trying to organize in my head all along. He is not incredibly religious - and if he was, we wouldn't have lasted 4 amazing years. I started to feel like I didn't hold enough ground against his family, and I needed to know that in a few years after we were married he wouldn't cave in to any of their pressures. But instead, I got the feeling that he wants to please them. If he's going to make decisions based on THEM, then he needs to accept that their happiness is worth more than his own...OR he needs to stand up and say, while I respect what you want, this is my life. In any case, I can't tell him what to do or force him to do anything. These are things he will have to deal with on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 We're currently on friendly terms, meaning if someone wants to call, they can. But we don't talk daily or anything like that. After I realized his loyalty is with them, so to speak, my feelings changed a bit. I thought I was number 1, and then I realized I was a few pegs lower than I thought. So, I'm not fighting to have him back b/c it all really confused me. Is this something worth ever addressing to him? Do you think he realizes he's putting their happiness first? Link to post Share on other sites
Gardenia28 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I do think that you have the right to address him. As a Muslim myself, men from our religion are permitted to marry Christians and Jews, but not Hindus. Personally I see no problem with a Muslim marrying a Hindu as long as the children are brought up to understand both beliefs. It also depends on your families and how religious they are AND how religious you and your boyfriend are. Would you ever see yourself converting to Islam? Just a question. If you're open-minded about religion (which it seems you are) then it may be a possibility. If this is the man that you love and religion is the only thing standing in the way, then I say fight for it! Best of luck and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I do think that you have the right to address him. As a Muslim myself, men from our religion are permitted to marry Christians and Jews, but not Hindus. Personally I see no problem with a Muslim marrying a Hindu as long as the children are brought up to understand both beliefs. It also depends on your families and how religious they are AND how religious you and your boyfriend are. Would you ever see yourself converting to Islam? Just a question. If you're open-minded about religion (which it seems you are) then it may be a possibility. If this is the man that you love and religion is the only thing standing in the way, then I say fight for it! Best of luck and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. It complicates the matter that we are talking about a girlfriend and not a wife but in Christianity the faithful are advised to stay out of such relationships but if married they are to stay married. However if the non Christian should leave because of his faith he is to let her go. How is it spelled out in Islam? Link to post Share on other sites
Gardenia28 Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 It complicates the matter that we are talking about a girlfriend and not a wife but in Christianity the faithful are advised to stay out of such relationships but if married they are to stay married. However if the non Christian should leave because of his faith he is to let her go. How is it spelled out in Islam? It basically works the same way. I have heard of many married Christian women who have converted to Islam, and in turn divorced their husbands. This is due to the fact that, in Islam, women are only allowed to marry those of their own faiths. The fact that they converted annuls their marriage in the eyes of God, since their husband is a Christian. (Perhaps I'm getting off the subject lol) However, I have known Muslim women who are not religious that have married men from different faiths. If a Christian man converts to Islam, he can stay married to his wife even if she doesn't convert since Muslim men are allowed to marry "People of the Book." In Islam, having boyfriends or girlfriends is not permitted but many young people these days do it anyway (usually in secret lol.) I hope I was able to answer your question somewhat. Link to post Share on other sites
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