mfs976 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Hey everyone! O.K. so I've been doing real good lately and its almost been a full month of NC between me and ex. I have two mutual friends who are engaged to be married of which me and the ex used to hang out with a lot as couples. Sometimes we would go to their house and play corny card games and drinking games and just laugh our asses off and have a great time together... Well sat night I'm at work and I check my facebook and see that the three of them (except the ex because I had her block me)are having a blast and doing the things we all used to do together. I got really really pissed off for some reason. I felt irrationally betrayed by all of them. I don't like that she still hangs out with our mutual friends because they were my friends long before she came into the picture. I told her it bothered me and she still continues to see them because she has become close to them now as well..almost closer than me. My friends don't seem to understand why I'm upset and I don't want to make them choose sides or put them in the middle because it's not fair but I feel as though I have to walk away from them completely and focus my energy on other friends I have and new friends that I don't have memories of her with? Also they went bowling earlier in the day and they meet up with 'some guy' that my ex knew from the military..not sure if he's just a friend or a potential love interest to her but isn't it REALLY disrespectful that she would introduce our friends to a new guy already? Or am I just over-reacting? either way it's got me really pissed off as you can all tell... Are these really my friends if they continue to hang out with her? Am I over-reacting about this whole thing? Should I try to keep them around or totally dissociate myself from them completely? I need to make a decision fast because they're suppose to be attending my birthday celebration this weekend and I'm suppose to meet up with my buddy to get fitted for our tux's for the wedding next Wednesday. The wedding is in July and both me and the ex are in it and I just rather know what I plan to do now so I don't have to change my mind later and have him struggle to find another groomsman... Any help appreciated! Cheers.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mfs976 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 In the past I disassociated myself with mutual friends that I only knew through the ex. If they were friends that I knew BEFORE that relationship then no. For a while I know seeing those friends will remind me of the ex somewhat, but once I re-establish my identity then those friends won't remind me of the ex anymore... and since they were my friends BEFORE the ex was in the picture, they will be my friends after. Which means when the time comes I can bring a new boyfriend around them... and they will give me their honest opinions of him haha. Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I'm with Duck here. I too would disassociate myself from the mutual friends if they were his friends first. It is called respect. Sounds to me more like your X is playing games. Talk with your friends and let them know how it is that you are feeling. Sometimes, in life, you do have choose sides. And that is just the way it is. If any of my friends had ever decided to disrespect my feelings, I would then consider them toxic and not really a friend after all. But that is me. I can always make new friends Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
andy in spain Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Friends tend to take sides after a split, make sure this doesn't happen to you be spending time with them. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Stay off of Facebook and attend any real life events you're invited to which are meaningful to you. People who are true mutual friends, and mature, can handle such dynamics. I was recently divorced and have a large group of friends and a small portion of the mutual ones remain. That has value. Best wishes with the NC and healing. Stay off Facebook. That's breaking NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Hi I was in the same situation as you. I used to go on double dates with my exes best friends. We became close. So when my ex cruelly dumped me, it hurt even more because I was losing friends aswell. I cut them off, coz he screwed me over but for some reason still chose his side. I really needed support and they weren't there for me. In the end they weren't true friends at all. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I'm having a bit of an issue about this, too. I haven't heard from them in a while. It's okay, I'm still trucking and going along. Whatever they heard from me since we last spoke is part of the past, too. I'll welcome their contact, but I'm not going to chase after them, too. I've been around that block and it hurt like no other. They haven't contacted me, but they've been talking to him. It's okay, I don't want to give them any information that may find its way to him. I'll be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mfs976 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 Hey everyone thanks for the replies and sorry it took me so long to respond. I'm still on the fence with all of this and really really don't know what to do..I know for a fact they have personally invited her over to their place at least twice which leads me to believe they are taking her side. I invited them to my birthday get together but there was an awkward vibe coming from them..especially my female friend and I feel as if they only came out of pity and not because they genuinely wanted to be there. According to fb they had a superbowl party yesterday and I didn't even get invited- granted they know I hate football but I have never turned down a superbowl party. I still like to mingle with friends, drink beer, and eat...and thats what they're really all about. I told my buddy that I was pissed that I wasn't included and he told me I could come over If I wanted to- I think he knew that I had to work and thats why he told me to come over (if my ex really was there) but I'll never know.. I just got fitted for the tux last week. I was going to pull out of the friendship prior but feared maybe it wasn't the right thing to do...If I'm going to do it I don't want to wait much longer because this way he can find someone to replace me in the wedding...its ****ing bull**** I have to even consider this and that NONE of them can ****ing identify with my position in the matter.. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I think one of the biggest issues with keeping mutual friends is the idea of "reminders" as i call them, like you had with seeing pictures. There is always going to be some sort of connection there that will hook you back to them, in other words you wont be able to heal. I actually have a really good friend of my ex right now, who is certified a huge part of my life, great person. But, i find myself hearing tid bits of things i dont want to hear, they are still somewhat social with my ex. I overheard something about a get together my ex and her new guy are having later in the year, so i find myself thinking wow now i have to look forward to that day and knowing what is going on. I would say if you know there will be constant reminders then you need to let it go, or just take precautions. On my facebook i have it set up where i cant see any of my friends stuff that they post, just in case, so unless i look at the page (which i have no point to) then im out of the loop and it feels good. Things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
makelemonade1974 Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I know this sounds harsh, but drop the mutual friends - maybe hang onto one or two that are YOUR friends mostly rather than your ex's. I had to do this. It helped immensely when I just never had to hear about him. Whenever there are social events and the ex goes, it's like they are "choosing" and just hurts more. A little isolation after a breakup can be a good thing to get your head together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mfs976 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Movingthrough, I have excluded them from my newsfeed but I don't have the self control to to keep it disabled for long haha..I even told them I was removing them from my friends list and blocking them so I did but I just re-add them. My ex blocked me on fb but I still know when she 'likes' or comments on my friends posts because when it says for instance 'view all 4 comments' and only 3 appear- clearly she was one of them- so I know they are still communicating...its just ****ing annoying. makelemonade, this couple are MY friends. I knew them LONG before my ex came into the picture and now they are slowly and passively taking her side even though they try to convince me otherwise. They do all the things we used to do as couples except without me- they even went bowling with her and one of her 'friends' from the military. I don't understand how none of them think that this isn't disrespectful to me?? I feel like I've become a burden to them and that I'm trying to hard to maintain the friendship. She always gets the invites while I get nothing. I feel like they're just putting on a facade because they don't want to deal with my bullocks. I'm a stand-up, strait forward guy and they're both extremely reluctant to deal with confrontation..I would honestly peace out but I feel kind of obligated to stick around because of the wedding.. Link to post Share on other sites
makelemonade1974 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Your friends or not, get the heck out of there. Close down the facebook (you can always go back once things have calmed down) - I dropped facebook for 3 months just so I could deal. Went back just the other day and immediately blocked EVERY person that hangs out with my ex. It's like he doesn't exist, and that's how I need it to be right now. And you are right that it is crappy for them to do couple things with her and a new friend, particularly if they were YOUR friends to begin with. I would just stop contacting them until you feel better - let them come to you, not vice versa. I think I said this before, but friends tend to side with the person who is less upset. I know it's not fair and it just completely sucks. It makes the breakup way worse when you have to breakup with your friends too, but you have to protect YOURSELF first. Make some new friends in the meantime or hang out with the ones that are not mutual. ((hugs)) good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
coltsfan1 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Your friends or not, get the heck out of there. Close down the facebook (you can always go back once things have calmed down) - I dropped facebook for 3 months just so I could deal. Went back just the other day and immediately blocked EVERY person that hangs out with my ex. It's like he doesn't exist, and that's how I need it to be right now. And you are right that it is crappy for them to do couple things with her and a new friend, particularly if they were YOUR friends to begin with. I would just stop contacting them until you feel better - let them come to you, not vice versa. I think I said this before, but friends tend to side with the person who is less upset. I know it's not fair and it just completely sucks. It makes the breakup way worse when you have to breakup with your friends too, but you have to protect YOURSELF first. Make some new friends in the meantime or hang out with the ones that are not mutual. ((hugs)) good luck to you. Best advice on the thread if you can't handle the notion of people being friends with both of you. (I for one have trouble with it) Sometimes you have to choose a side and people who are non-confrontational will have trouble with it. Just leave them alone till you are fully healed. Then see if you there is still any desire to spend time with them. For future reference do you think the next person you meet will want to hang with your ex's friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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