Do you think I am treated unfairly compaired to my sister?

[starry1978]

Bit of background to my family.

My sister was a rebellious child always treating my family like crap, dropped out of school and got pregnant and had to have an abortion. ]Me- I did everything I was told and was always a good girl as I saw how much my sister’s behavior hurt my family so I tried not to be that way. . Finished school and went on to work fulltime.

 

My sister got pregnant at 23years old so my parents bought a house for her and her partner to live in with their child. The plan was that they were to pay rent and the house is an investment to my parents. She never got a job and her and her partner rarely paid rent. He eventually left after they had a 2nd child. There for she never paid rent. On one hand she is a good mother however has never worked and for 10 years had a serious computer game addiction to the point the house has been filthy for years, I am not talking messy, I mean filthy, dead mice on the floor, dog poor still on the floor a year after she got rid of the dog. Take away food and chip packets all over the floor, mixed with toys and clothing. When the kids were little they would stay in dirty nappies (diapers) for hours and feed themselves from the fridge as my sister was glued to the computer. This behavior continued for over 9 years. Later years the kids had to sleep in her room for over 12 months as their room was dirty and infested with mice. She even lets the kids take a day off school if something important is happening on her computer game at the time the kids have to go to school. One child is sick all the time as they are living in a tip. My nephews often tell me they do not want to go home because they live in a garbage dump. I have had the children over at my house nearly every second weekend for years in hope that while they are with me she will clean but she just plays the computer. My parents are banned from entering the home even though they own it and she has not paid rent in 10 years. A total of over $150,000 rent my parents have lost on their investment property and $150,000 rent she has got out of paying. No one in the family can talk to her about the condition of her house or her computer addiction affecting the health and wellbeing of the children as she will scream at us and there is an underline fear that if we speak up she will ban us from seeing the kids. She has also been given my mother’s car and she broke it so now been given my dads brand-new car to drive. (I bought my dad’s car off him and had to pay $10,000) My parents now don’t have a car. My parents have also lived in a rental house while my sister lives in the house they own) During these 10 years I lived with my parents and later on went to live on my own, paying my own rent and working fulltime. Being independent and rarely needing assistance from our parents.

 

Ok there is some of the background.

Now I have had to move in with my parents due to a chronic illness I have been diagnosed with and I cannot work fulltime there for cannot pay my rent. Since moving in with my parents I get in trouble like I am a child if I do not use a coaster for my glass or if I am untidy. This infuriates me as my parents have no idea how filthy my sister’s house is. ( I am 32 years of age)

 

As my family is now in trouble financially they have to sell the house my sister lives in and are going to buy a house for all of us to live in, My Mum, Dad, Sister, Me and my sisters 2 kids.

They said the 4 adults have to pay a quarter of the mortgage each and all the bills. My sis has to pay a bit extra for the food.

 

I finally after 10 years told my sister how it infuriates me that I work with my disability and she gets to play computer games and neglect her children and doesn’t pay rent and that I get in more trouble from our parents than her and her kids as they mess our house when they visit and stay over for weeks at a time and mess our house as they do not want to be in their filthy home.

Her reply was that it is not her fault how our parents treat me. So I reply with then when we discuss how much we will pay in the new home that she should offer to pay more. As my parents expect m to pay for a share of her kid’s usage. (Also her kids are addicted to computer game too as they have learnt it from her so they are on computers all the time.)

 

When this discussion took place, she offered to pay more for food and that we should all pay quarters as my sister and I will equally get 50% of the house when my parents pass away.

At the new house she will pay for a quarter of her 2 children’s electricity and water, gas use and my parents and I will pay the other 3 quarters.

Then when our parents pass away she will get 50% of the house.

 

 

So my questions are

Is it fair that we pay quarters on everything?

 

Is it fair that my sister and I get 50% each of our parent’s inheritance when she has already gotten out of paying $150,000 rent and caused my parents to have to selll the house and they will now only profit $40,000 because of her?

Edited January 26, 2011 by starry1978

[edgeofdarkness]

materially my siblings and i have not had even shares. u hv no idea how little I care...

 

eventually u come to realise that people count not things.

 

things get lost, stolen broken and disposed of. you can die regretting u never had that great sofa. or you can die not having bitterness envy and jealosy against yr sister.

Whats it gonna be?

[PegNosePete]

Edge is right, you're looking at it all wrong. My sister has been given a lot more financially from my parents (£30,000 to buy a house last year) but I really couldn't give a hoot. I wouldn't even care if she got their entire inheritance and I got nothing.

 

Generally parents try to give their kids all the help they can, when they need it. Your sister got pregnant and they helped her out. Do you think that if your positions were reversed, they would not have done the same for you? Yes it seems your sister has taken advantage, but what are your parents to do, throw their own daughter and grandchildren out on the street? Now that you have become ill and cannot pay your rent, they are helping you out to the best of their ability by letting you move in. Sure they might tell you off for not using a coaster but you are in their home so you should respect their house rules.

 

If you don't like paying 25% of the mortgage as rent, then you're perfectly free to find somewhere else to live. What you pay is between you and your parents only. What your sister pays is between her and your parents only. It's just petty and immature to argue that she gets more for her money than you do. You should both pay according to your means. Just remember that circumstances can change, you might get pregnant too or have a partner move in, your sister might meet someone and move out, or she might win the lottery next week and buy you all new houses in the Caribbean.

 

Family is not an accounting exercise and this kind of bean-counting can cause rifts that last for years.

[starry1978]

Thanks for the replies Edge and Peg.

 

I know your right and up until recently I haven't cared in the slightest about who gets what.

 

I think a mixture of being extremly unwell from working is clouding my judgement hence why I created the post as I was feeling like I was over reacting but on the other hand not. As it does infuriate me that she has taken advantage so much of my parents that they are now in financial trouble. And does not care in the slightest.

 

A few things I would like to reply to, if the situation were reversed, There is no way the situation would have been reversed as my parents have been extremly controlling with me and I have always been alot wiser that my sister so I will never make the same mistakes as her.

 

As for them helping me in the future, I asked if I were to meet someine could he move in and we help pay their morgage and save for our own house and the answer was no. I am lucky they are letting me bring my dog as my mother has told me several times to get rid of him in.

 

And the comment about respecting their rules. They are not house rules, they are my rules. I am told what to do from how I speak, sit, what I wear, what job I do and my sister and nephews trash the house. So it does get frustrating when a 9 year old is alowed to do something I am not allowed to do. And I don't think that is a petty reaction.

 

I don't think my parents should have kicked her out but they should have made her go by the same rules as me. At least take care of their home which has holes in walls, drawing all over the walls and rotten floors to name a few there is thousands of dollars damage to the property. Which I am expected to go help her fix to prepare for selling the house as my parents are not allowed at the property after I finish working and am ill and exausted (Of course my parents are paying for repairs)

 

And yes you are right in saying what we pay is between us and our parents and not between my sister and I but the thing is the figure they have given me, I am going to have to work fulltime with a disability to pay for it and they are trying to work out a figure for my sister so she doesnt have to work.

 

Anyway lifes a bitch.

 

Being hurt and upset by this is only hurting me, so thanks you for the advise, I appreciate it. I am just going to accept the things I cannot change and be thankful I have a roof over my head.

[PegNosePete]

On the house rules thing, I think this does happen quite a lot between siblings. One is the "good" girl whereas the other is the "off the rails" one. So there are different expectations of behaviour and therefore different rules. I get this too, to a lesser extent. My sister has gotten away with things I never could. My sympathies for being in this situation but I think it is quite common. I have a friend who is the same, his brother was a heroin addict and is now hooked on methadone, he treats their mother like cr@p but she treats him like a king... whereas my friend is told off for wearing shoes in the house. He is the "good" boy so is expected to be good, whereas his brother would just tell her to f*ck off. As for how to solve the situation... I don't think you really can. Maybe talk to your parents about the nagging. The only other option would be going off the rails yourself...

 

They might have said "no" to moving someone in with you, but if it actually happened the situation may well change. I'm sure that before your sister got pregnant, if she had asked your parents that if she got pregnant would they buy her a house, they would have said no as well! Opinions change when things actually happen. Theory goes out the window when real life takes over.

Edited January 27, 2011 by PegNosePete

[starry1978]

Peg I think you have hit the nail on the head there. I have often felt its because I am the "good girl" they want to keep me that way, where the battle has alwready been lost with my sister so they don't try.

 

I remember as a kid, asking my mum why she always made me go to the shop to get her stuff and her reply was that I always say yes where as my sister fights her for 15 mins and still doesn't go so it is easier to ask me.

 

Yes I did contemplate going off the rails haha but just can't do that, it's not in me.

 

I have spoken to my parents several times regarding the house rules and they are slowly changing however still a long way to go as last weekend when we were looking at houses out in the street I spoke and was told to shhh because I was talking too loud and the people in the houses would be disturbed lmao! (mind you the nephews were running down the street yelling lol)

 

As for your last paragraph, yea you could be right there. Time will tell.

 

Thanks again for your replies it is helping me to calm down and get back to my ususal rational self.

[MrsL1987]

I don't think that's fair. You're the one who had to move back in with your parents because you had to. Your sister needs to get off the computer, go out and get a job, and start taking care of her own kids. My husbands family is the same way. They treat his 18yr old brother like he's the golden child while they treat my husband (who is the oldest of four) and I like we're the children. Yet we're the ones paying our own way and not living off them.

[Lucky_One]

You have not wanted to speak to your sister as there was some fear that she would not let you see her nephews. That fear is now null and void, as she will be living in the same house as you.

 

Personally, I would refuse to go help clean that house or help with repairs. And I would be firm in that. If you are ill enough not to work, then you are ill enough that you shouldn't be doing that sort of heavy work, especially in a disgustingly unhealthy environment. Ask your doctor for a note that says you can't be in environments that compromise your immune system further.

 

Tell your parents that they need to go see this house, before it can go on the market. How in the heck are they going to list it with a realtor if they can't go in their own house?

 

There is probably a very good chance that your parents will be appalled at her behavior and disgusting living habits when they are all living together.

[starry1978]

I don't think that's fair. You're the one who had to move back in with your parents because you had to. Your sister needs to get off the computer, go out and get a job, and start taking care of her own kids. My husbands family is the same way. They treat his 18yr old brother like he's the golden child while they treat my husband (who is the oldest of four) and I like we're the children. Yet we're the ones paying our own way and not living off them.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks Mrs L. I totally agree

[starry1978]

Thanks for reply lucky one.

 

Since writing this post I spoke to my sister and said that it isnt fair that I work my ass off and can harly move I am in so much pain and she gets to play on a computer all day while being supported by our family.

 

I also mentioned how I get by but kicked for anything and she is allowed to live in a pig sty to the point her kids told me last week they do not want to go home as the 3 of them have stayed at mine and my parents for the past 6 weeks of the holidays.

Her reply was "It's not my faulyt how our parents treat you" My reply, "Tats fine, however when we have a family meeting over what we are all going to pay at the new place, you have control over offering to pay more than me as I should have to pay for your kids" (outcome of this she was a smartass but no where near as bad as I thought and was really nice to me afterwards. As I havent fought with her since we were teenages I feared her old behaviour)

 

Family meeting took place, budget has been done for morgage, electricity, gas, water, phone, net and food totalling $250 per week per adult (4 adults) I personally do not this this is a realistic figure and my family leave ligts on all the time and have no idea how to save energy or water and yell at me when I dont wash the dishes b4 they go in the dishwasher as I am trying to save water and also tell me off for flicking lifts off all the time lol

 

There for my mother father and I will be paying for a 3/4 of the kids electricity and bills my sister paying 1/4. (Mind you these kids don't go outside, they have a wii, ps2, TV, computer each and ds's each they leave all of them on while they rotate between toys. Not to mention the 20 min showers.)

 

My sisters responce, "I think it is fair we pay the same as we will be getting equal inheritance and I will pay extra for my kids food.

 

So yea me complaining to all of them got me no where.

 

I feel a little petty complaining that I am paying for a 1/4 of a child but I am friggen exausted as I have basically been the 2nd Parent figure in their lives for 11 years and I spend alot of time with them to make up for both parents who never take them anywhere to excercise or have fun out doors.

Which will continue when we are all officially living together which I am happy to do as I love the kids but I don't want to pay aswell.

 

Everyone I know who has my medical condition is on a disability pension which I refuse to do.I force myself to work part time 1 because of pride and 2 because I have debt from supporting myself over the past several years and loans for cars etc. Which I can afford to pay working part time. But adding the extra cost of the kids I will have to work full time again which will kill me. My sister on the other hand can afford her share with her pension therefor working will be a choice not a necessity.

 

 

As for your comment on parents seeing the house

 

I have told them how gross it is and my mum yells at me for being judgemental as she can't cope with hearing it. (I considered sneeking into the house and taking pics and emailing them to my parents but that will result in my mum abusing me or blaming herself)

 

Also during family meeting my sis stated she will clean the house and my parents will go help when it gets to the stage of mopping and cleaning walls and repairs. She has gone home every day this week to clean and is there now with a skip bin. When she eventually gets moving she is a gun so no doubt has gotten alot done this week. She hasn't asked for my help as over the past 6 weeks of staying at my house she has seen 1st hand how I can barely walk after I get home form work. Also the previous comments I said to her I doubt she will ask for my help and possibly my words is what got her moving.

 

And to your last comment, her behaviour will have to change once we are all together as she wont want anyone to see it first hand.

[Tayla]

To Peg: I disagree in your reasoning. A Decent and well meaning parent would not be ENABLING the Parental child to sit on there butt, but instead set a basic ground rule. Earn your keep and that of YOUR children.

yes , its unreasonable to carry on the "socialistic " dividing of financials. The Poster is correct. Its an unreasonable circumstance to abide by. I know I do not take well to free loaders and that is what the one sister is doing to ALL parties involved. Correct that one person and not hold others accountable for her poor choices.

 

To the OP: Chin up , you are right in your perspective. Its unreasonable to say the least. Sorry that your voice went unheard at the family meeting. Stand your ground though on financials, clearly they aren't in your corner.Family doesn't mean tolerating the intolerable.

[curiousaboutthings]

Daughters are usually given more financially that is for sure.