Softsoul Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 My husband had an EA with a woman who is friends with his friends (basically they are part of the same social circle). The EA happened quite a long time ago so it's not my concern anymore. Anyway, my problem is that I can't stand the woman he had an EA with. It makes me want to vomit just by seeing her. My husband's friends have a habit of going out together for dinners for birthdays, celebrations etc. and they always invite us. Because that woman is ALWAYS there, I stopped socializing with them, and so did my husband (he knows I feel bad about her, so he's not exactly happy in her company either since we resolved the issue with the EA). I quite like his other friends, so it's a shame I "can't" hang out with them anymore. The question is, can I tell them what's bothering me and why I don't socialize with them anymore? I know it seems strange to them that we don't come for dinners anymore. The EA woman knows what my problem is, and I think she hasn't told anybody (probably out of shame). I don't want to interfere with the friendship this woman has with other friends, but I think it'd be easier if I tell them anyway? And the situation is much more difficult for me because I have no friends of my own anywhere near (I moved to where my husband lives). Please share your opinion... Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Why you letting this b#tch still control your life? Why are you taking your H's friends away from him? Do you really beleive he's not secretly seeing his friends? Do you really think it was just an EA? Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Yes, you should tell all his friend why you and your H don't go to these parties anymore. You owe it to them to let them know. Furthermore, you should also warn them that a potential mistress is in the mix so that the wives are aware. By the way, is it really just an emotional affair or are you not facing the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Softsoul Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Yes, you should tell all his friend why you and your H don't go to these parties anymore. You owe it to them to let them know. Furthermore, you should also warn them that a potential mistress is in the mix so that the wives are aware. Was this a sarcastic remark, or just part of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Softsoul Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Why you letting this b#tch still control your life? Why are you taking your H's friends away from him? Do you really beleive he's not secretly seeing his friends? Do you really think it was just an EA? I honestly don't know why I'm letting this b*tch still control my life; I just don't know how to control my emotions around her so I could function normaly when friends are around. No, he's not secretly seeing his friends. He tells me when he goes to see them; and it's always when she's not around (and not often, anyway). I trust him on this. And yes, it was just an EA, I won't go into details but I'm totally sure. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I read a couple of your prior threads about this EA, and I'm confused. Did she actually ever return his interest, or was it just him clearly in love with her when he was dating you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Softsoul Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 It's a bit complicated. Years ago when they first met, he was interested in her but she turned him down. She changed her mind a few years later and wanted to start a relationship with him. He said he wasn't interested - I think because she hurt his pride back then. But they kept going for coffees twice a week, hanging out on a regular basis. When we started dating, I was a bit naive and thought it "normal" for him to have a female friend. However, after a while it became quite clear that he was still in love with her. And btw, I had no idea she wanted to date him, he told me this much later. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 It sounds like she was kinda-sorta seeing him before you came along, and continued seeing him after you entered the picture. I can understand how you might feel jealousy regarding her because of things your bf said and did early on, but what exactly did she do wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Softsoul Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 She knew that he had a serious girlfriend (me), and yet she kept seeing him hoping he would change his mind. I find that offensive, if nothing else. For me, if somebody is in a relationship, they're a big no-no. When SHE had a boyfriend for a while, she stopped seeing my now husband. And when HE got a girlfriend, then suddenly there was nothing wrong with "dating" a man in a serious relationship?! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 She knew that he had a serious girlfriend (me), and yet she kept seeing him hoping he would change his mind. I find that offensive, if nothing else. For me, if somebody is in a relationship, they're a big no-no. When SHE had a boyfriend for a while, she stopped seeing my now husband. And when HE got a girlfriend, then suddenly there was nothing wrong with "dating" a man in a serious relationship?! Exactly. When she had a boyfriend, she stopped seeing your H. He should have done the same. It was his responsibility to stop seeing her if/when he was serious about you. If he didn't stop seeing her, she could easily believe he was NOT serious about you. I think your anger at her is misplaced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Softsoul Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 If you see somebody with their girlfriend on all social occasions, know that his family accepted her as their own, and that he's with her just about any time he's not with you; you probably think that somebody is serious with his girlfriend... at least that's how I percieve things. And I know my husband was in the wrong more than anyone, I got over that. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Exactly. When she had a boyfriend, she stopped seeing your H. He should have done the same. It was his responsibility to stop seeing her if/when he was serious about you. If he didn't stop seeing her, she could easily believe he was NOT serious about you. I think your anger at her is misplaced. Sorry SoftSoul, But I gotta agree with xxoo. Also from what you said here " I don't want to interfere with the friendship this woman has with other friends, but I think it'd be easier if I tell them anyway? And the situation is much more difficult for me because I have no friends of my own anywhere near (I moved to where my husband lives). " easier for who? I'm guessing you... it actually sounds like you DO want to interfere with her friendships so that you can hang out with these people again because you don't have friends of your own. If you want to hang out with these people, go and have fun with your husband there. Don't let your insecurity force you to just recoil, go, be confident, have fun and let that be that. I think that sends a better message than just hiding and never coming out again. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 If you see somebody with their girlfriend on all social occasions, know that his family accepted her as their own, and that he's with her just about any time he's not with you; you probably think that somebody is serious with his girlfriend... at least that's how I percieve things. And I know my husband was in the wrong more than anyone, I got over that. ok, but is it possible that she actually thought that her and your H were just friends? I mean was there typical EA talk at that point? Did they tell each other that they loved each other, etc... or was it just 2 people going out for coffee and chatting normally? Honestly, I don't know, was she still trying to "get him" at that point? ETA: how did she know what his family was doing/thinking of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Was this a sarcastic remark, or just part of it? I am serious. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I'm going to blunt and my intent is not to offend. I think your pride is hurt that he kept seeing you and her at the same time for awhile. That you are just a bit conscious about the whole thing and have hidden out because of that. He's conscious of it too and hides out with you. You want to tell to make her the one that hides out. Don't do it. Its not worth the blowback. If no one knows, and you enjoy the friends, learn to ignore her. Because if you tell, it will make you look insecure just as much as it makes her appear to a man poacher. And he will look weak. You don't want this outcome. Put on your big girl panties and know that your man loves you and supports you and sympathizes with your feelings about her, but don't isolate yourself when you already don't have many friends where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Softsoul Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 I'm going to blunt and my intent is not to offend. I think your pride is hurt that he kept seeing you and her at the same time for awhile. That you are just a bit conscious about the whole thing and have hidden out because of that. He's conscious of it too and hides out with you. You want to tell to make her the one that hides out. Don't do it. Its not worth the blowback. If no one knows, and you enjoy the friends, learn to ignore her. Because if you tell, it will make you look insecure just as much as it makes her appear to a man poacher. And he will look weak. You don't want this outcome. Put on your big girl panties and know that your man loves you and supports you and sympathizes with your feelings about her, but don't isolate yourself when you already don't have many friends where you are. I'm not offended, actually I like your post. And I might do just that Thanks to everyone else too... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 If none of the mutual friends know about this, keep it that way. It'll put them on the spot, make them choose sides and completely ruin the dynamic of how things are now. How long ago did all this happen? The EA etc.? I say GO and have fun, ignore her and be the bigger/better person. You are married to him, she is not. You have no control on what she does, says or feels and if she's stupid enough to still carry a torch for your H, that's HER problem. As long as HE isn't encouraging her, or flirting with her, being too friendly, this really shouldn't ruin your time with everybody. Next time go and try to not let her get to you. Talk to your H about this too, so he knows to pay little bit more attention to you and make you feel comfortable at the gathering. Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) It's a bit complicated. Years ago when they first met, he was interested in her but she turned him down. She changed her mind a few years later and wanted to start a relationship with him. He said he wasn't interested - I think because she hurt his pride back then. But they kept going for coffees twice a week, hanging out on a regular basis. When we started dating, I was a bit naive and thought it "normal" for him to have a female friend. However, after a while it became quite clear that he was still in love with her. And btw, I had no idea she wanted to date him, he told me this much later. softsoul ((hugs)) Are you sure it wasn't more than EA? Honestly, xMM (that was supposingly divorcing) told his wife that we were very close friends and that we met on a few occasions for lunch dates when he was in town...and that was it. And it was so much more than that. Very emotional and physical. If they were meeting, it is likely that something intimate happened. Esp if they were "in love." Regardless. You shouldn't been put in this position. I wouldn't attend any functions where she it present. And neither should he. It's like the elephant in the room... why go to a function where you should be having "fun" and have this on your mind... and her "in your face." What's the point in going? Stop going. She will eventually notice that you both aren't coming around anymore...and she will stop being there. Guarantee it. For the time being, meet new friends. Go do some couples things together and meet others. Or you guys plan a few functions with your old friends once or twice a month and don't invite her. Ball is in your court now. You won't get the best of her by continuing to attend. You get the best of her by leaving her wondering wth you both are doing...the absence. Your husband should have no problem doing whatever you decide...he owes you this. Edited February 2, 2011 by blizzard Link to post Share on other sites
Author Softsoul Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 Thanks for the suggestions, whichwayisup and blizzard. I haven't been on here for a while. I think I'll decide what to do when we're next invited to one of those gatherings. LadyGrey, my husband is not misleading me. We've solved most of our problems, the only thing that still bothers me is that I have to see that woman whenever we go out with his friends. He's very supportive and realizes he'd made mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 OK, I give up. What's an "EA"? Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 30yrs, welcome to LS An "EA" is an Emotional Affair. Google it for more info. Basically an affair that has not (yet) gone physical... Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 30yrs, welcome to LS An "EA" is an Emotional Affair. Google it for more info. Basically an affair that has not (yet) gone physical... Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 For the record SoftSoul, just like the advice you already received, I believe you should try to still socialize with the bunch and basically ignore the OW... Be strong, and proud that he is your man, and nothing will come between the two of you... The trust for your husband is paramount. If he has not earned it in full, then that is what needs to be worked on. Link to post Share on other sites
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