will this ever work out for the best? (He's confused- I'm the one to suffer)

[bittersweet]

I have posted before about how myboyfriend of 6 years was cheating for three months- then he left me for her.

 

I found out he was cheating three weeks ago and he said he wanted to work out things with me. He said his fling was a mistake- he said he regreted it- he said he didn't like her and he said the whole thing made him realize how much he loved me and wanted to be with me.

 

During the 3 weeks, I of course asked him a million questions: Is she calling, do you miss her?- He always reassured me that it was over with her. Then this past Friday, everything changed completely. He said we needed to split, he said he fell out of love with me and he kept saying it has nothing to do with her.

 

A few hours later he left a message saying everything I've been thinking is true and he's sorry. He said he doesn't know who he is anymore and he's confused. I went to his house and he was leaving to go see her. My weekend was a nightmare. I called him a lot and the first night we were talking- then Saturday his phone was off all day.

He called me Sunday from the train on his way back. He still says he's confused and he just spent the weekend with her because he wanted to get away from home. He lives with a few guys and there's a lot of issues in his life at home.

 

We talked for hours yesterday and he kept telling me that me and him have problems that go way back before he ever met her. He talked to me about what he needs that I stopped giving him: support, understanding, space and ressurance that I wnated to be with him forever. This is why he feels he fell out of love. He says he will never love another woman the way he loves me and the only thing he wants is for things to work out between us.

 

He says I have a lot to think about but I stressed that he's the one who has to decide first what he wants. He can't work on things with me if he's still talking to that other girl and I'm so scared to see what happens next.

 

He says I pushed him away the past 3 weeks because I bombarded him with emotions and he felt like I would never get over it. I'm afraid to let go because I know what he really wants and I know in my heart I can give him waht he needs. Now, I'm just waiting to see what happens next. He tells me he doesn't want a relationship with her and she's nothing what he wants but right now, he feels comfortable around her because he doesn't need to fix his personal problems when he's around her. He knows it's temporary and knows he will lose me.

 

Any sugguestions?

[overseas2004]

You are dating a jerk who cheated on you and went away to spend a weekend with another woman. Oh yeah!!! you bombarded him with questions and that drove him crazy. Crazy with guilt because you were right. What a jerk.

 

And then he has the nerve to blame you for everything. You did not give him support and understanding and space??? Well forgive me but how does a person give all three things to one person. Either you want support or you want more space. You can't have both.

 

You have got to stop talking to him because everything he is going to say now is hurting you more. If he decides to come back and I sincerely hope he does not for your sake. Then he will be yours. But for now, why should you put yourself talking to him while he is f---ing someone else????

[moimeme]

Oh boy. This one's a prize. If he felt the relationship was in trouble, he owed it to you both to talk to you about it, not to go have an affair. Dump him becuause you'll never be able to guarantee that he won't fail the relationship this way again.

[Evanescence]

Ok, I'm sorry but i just skimmed over your post bittersweet, just to get an idea of what is going on.

I have no direct advice for how to deal with him. I don't want to call him a jerk because it is very obvious that you love him a lot, and 6 years is a long time (me and my ex just broke up and we were together for 5 1/2 years). And it is just so hard isn't it? However, he has not made some smart decisions. He needs to figure out what the heck he wants, and during that time you definitly need to be broken up, no contact, nothing. My friend told me a few weeks ago, everyone deserves to be forgiven once. However there are still some guidelines to follow. If it seems like it is a mistake, and a one time only thing, then if you love them, you will forgive them. If it seems like it maybe a habitual thing, then they do not deserve to be forgiven, because they are not truly sorry. My opinion is that your situation is the latter. Even though he says he doesn't like this other girl, why does he keep talking to her and seeing her?! He is being extremely selfish. It is so hard for you because you have invested SO MUCH of yourself/your life in this relationship. I know, I'm there right now. And all you have invested is not being appreciated and it sucks. So what you have to start doing is pay more attention to yourself. If you aren't broken up already, break up. During this time don't call him, don't send him letters, do absolutely NOTHING when it comes to him. Take this time to treat youself. If you take this time, you will learn a lot about yourself and life itself, trust me. Put all the effort you are putting into thinking about him and trying to make things work, into yourself. If you do this, you can be sure it will be appreciated, by both yourself and your loved ones. Why put all this effort into something that isn't appreciated?

 

About the support crap, ignore it. My ex said a lot of crap to try and blame all this on me. He is ONLY doing that to make himself feel better and to pass the blame on to you. It is no one's fault but his own, and DON'T EVER let him make you feel otherwise ok? EVERYONE knows that cheating is wrong, no matter what is going on in the relationship. If you want to be with someone else, you break up with the person you are with! You don't go behind their back! He made the wrong decision and now he is dealing with the consequences and he is trying to make himself feel better by making you feel like ****. Do you really want to be with someone who would treat you like this? It is time for you to TAKE CONTROL of this situation. He has full control and he is definitly not the person who should have control. He should have none what so ever. So think about yourself, and only yourself, because someone has to be thinking about you! He's not, so you have to. Things will get so much easier to deal with, questions will be answered much easier, and things will be so much clearer if you give yourself some space and some time, and take control of the situation, trust me.

[bittersweet]

thank you all for your replies. They mean a lot.

 

I talked to him today- for a while and he's giving me an explanation for why he's doing this. First off, he's a recovering drug addict who lives in a house with clean friends. He has no car, no license, no bank acoount. He has numerous warrants, bills and wants to get his life together. He feels stuck. It's not an excuse for what he did to me and he knows it's wrong but the thing is that this other girl makes him accept the bulls*** in his life because first of all, they just met and second, b/c her life is pretty much the same.

 

The thing that bothers me the most is when he admits he has feelings for her and can't just blow her off- what a joke, right. He can blow me off though right. We talked a lot about our previous problems; the ones that have nothing to do with her and to be honest- both of us took the blame on a lot. But now there's this mess. We can't do anything because he let some girl comes between us. He doesn't even want to have something serious with her. He says it's "fun" and "spontaneous". She lives hours away- He gets some rush out of it I guess because he avoids all his problems here at home.

 

I know he loves me- I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Nobody can understand what I mean unless they've loved the same person for 6 years and faced a huge problem. He's not at all trying to play any games with me- that's the thing. He's being completely honest. He could of gotten way with her behind my back again. We left it off that he needs to do a lot of thinking. He says it's not about chosing her or me- he says there's no comparison at all. He says he needs to think about our relationship and if he can give me his all or nothing like I deserve. He also needs to decide if he wants to grow-up or keep messing around in his comfort zone with this other girl. I told him I could never face him again unless things were completely broken off with her- he knows that. I don't think it's right though if he continues to see her while he's trying to figure out what he's doing. I wish she'd disappear! I do need to get my life back together- I haven't been so functional lately. I can't focus on school and I took off from work today.