wilcoam Posted March 22, 2004 Posted March 22, 2004 Hi. I've been reading through every post to try to find a situation similar to the one I'm in but couldn't find any so I thought I'd take the direct route. Anyway, here's the scoop: I met a woman a few months ago. I'm 31 and she's 26. We click instantly and start dating. We both fall head over heels and start imagining things like spending our lives together and talking about things like eventually getting married and having kids. Too quick, yes, but sometimes it just feels right and this felt right. So anyway, the exact moment where I start thinking this person is The One, the bomb lands. She's been involved with a much older married man, a friend of her dad, the entire time and failed to mention that small fact because she swears she's been trying to get out of the relationship but can't. From what she says there are some major control issues (she'll say things like, "he won't allow me to move that far away" when I suggest maybe moving away for awhile might be the best thing for her) and since she's had a difficult life she has almost no self-esteem/self-respect. Anyway, a few weeks ago, she decides to go on a cross-country trip with this other man to, in her words, start getting out of the situation. Although I obviously didn't want her to go, I'd rather be with someone who wants to be with me instead of forcing them to be with me so I backed away and let her go. Unfortunately, when she comes back, she decides that she'd rather be with the old married guy and breaks things off with me by saying things like, "You're the one I want to eventually get married to and have kids with, but right now I just want to be rebellious and have fun." I know she's having a hard time with all of this and feels ashamed about being with an older married guy, so I try not to be a complete jerk and tell her that I love her and decide to just move on from the situation with as much dignity as possible. That's when she calls me the next day and starts acting like this entire trip never happened and tries to sneak back into my life. At least until the next day when she starts talking about the OMG (old married guy) again. And then the next day she's back to talking about her and I but at the same time she starts completely shutting me out of her life--doesn't come over, only talks for a few minutes, etc. But then every now and then she'll call and act like we're a couple again. This kind of back and forth happens for the next few weeks until I finally decide to step away from things. And that's where we're at right now until I figure out what to do. My question is this: Am I crazy for even wanting to be involved with this person in any capacity or should I run as far away from her as possible? The cons are that she's obviously extremely selfish to get involved with me while she's involved with a married guy and then jerking me around, but the pros are that I've only known her for a few months, she's obviously confused about what to do, and I honestly think she's a good person that is making horrible choices. Even if a romantic relationship isn't possible in the future, I'd at least be interested in trying to develop a friendship but don't know how to go about doing that. Should I pull out of her life completely and hope that shocks her out of being in the relationship with the OMG or should I try to be her friend and be as supportive as possible or should I just wash my hands of her entirely? And, no, just for the record I'm not a doormat or a glutton for punishment and have had nothing but great relationships in the past. I have a great life, I'm moving to nyc in the fall to go back to school, I have an interesting career, etc. and don't have any desire to ruin that by getting sucked into her nightmare. I just honestly care about this person and want what's best for her and don't know how to do that. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.
Arabess Posted March 22, 2004 Posted March 22, 2004 You can be a friend and be supportive.....but if I were you, I would keep my feelings of love in check to avoid really getting hurt. Women who are involved with married men are usually VERY emotionally involved and in love. For her to break it off with him to be with you.....may take awhile. It also may never happen. It's your choice if you want to continue sitting back watching her in a relationship with this married man who has no intention of ever meeting what she wants from him. Affairs are VERY destructive. She will constantly ride that emotional rollercoaster and flip back and forth. Ulitmately, she will not leave him until she is ready to leave him. That just leaves you waiting around. Again, it's a personal decision you'll have to make. As for me, I'd walk.
SoleMate Posted March 22, 2004 Posted March 22, 2004 Should I pull out of her life completely and hope that shocks her out of being in the relationship with the OMG or should I try to be her friend and be as supportive as possible or should I just wash my hands of her entirely? Don't be supportive of this affair she is having. Why do you guys always keep trying to save these confused chicks? They have to save themselves. The work is all internal, and having a nice supportive backup guy makes it a lot easier for the girl to keep doing the wrong thing. Let her go, and let her realize that she can't have a REAL relationship with any decent guy until she ditches the MM. I love the story about how a "cross country trip will help her end the affair". That really made me snort! You're a nice guy, and I hope she'll come around some day.
Velveteel Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 On one level, this is a simple situation. Your girlfriend got involved with you before she was emotionally available. It wasn't honest and it wasn't "right," but these things happen. Unfortunately, until she's really ready to leave her married man forever, you are caught in her pain and indecision. Save yourself! Tell her you won't be involved with her romantically until she's absolutely single--and has been single for more than one or two lonely weeks. Otherwise she will continue to vacillate between the two of you: the nice, understanding new boyfriend, so kind and so "appropriate," and that compelling older man who has such a profound hold on her. She must have very powerful feelings for this married man, and they aren't likely to go away overnight, even if she (and whoever she gets involved with) wishes they would. Good luck!
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