Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 When speaking with a female friend about this, she said "they just don't get it" Maybe it's because I'm a woman and as a general rule women don't/can't separate emotion from sexual-type contact but men can and do. ie when he said "It didn't mean anything, I still come home to you every night". Maybe because he can separate the two he thinks I should be able to understand how he can do that, but since I'm a woman I don't understand how men do it - there is no separation for me. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 women don't/can't separate emotion from sexual-type contact but men can and do the men i know wouldnt do that and geniunely believe their wife wouldnt be gutted. he gets it all right. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I'm a woman and I've been in relationships where the sex had nothing to do with love or emotion. I think it's a myth that women don't separate the two. Who cares if it's just sex? Faithfulness isn't necessarily about emotion - it's about lust - it's physical. Obviously you know that he doesn't care about that girl. That has nothing to do with it. He was physically with her and it's still a betrayal as far as I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetbilly Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I never said it wasn't a form of cheating, and I didn't mean to suggest that there is something wrong with you. When you give a man permission to look, we look! and just because he was talking to his friends the way he was dosen't necessarilly mean that's what he feels, we tend to be too macho occasionally. And for a man to blow his load, well it only takes a strong wind, or a really good imagination. Besides if a man thinks about someone else during sex does that mean he cheated too. I would say yes, but it happens all the time. So don't get so upset over a two dollar stripper. If you press it too much you'll drive him away. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 The big issue, to me, is that he lied. He didn't tell her beforehand he was going to go and he lied afterward. Dishonesty destroys relationships quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I'm with FreeMe on her stance on this. Greta, I'm confused. In your original post, you said you found out that your husband had gone to this strip club, but he lied about it, yet you forced the issue with so much evidence, etc....then, in your latest posts, you are saying that you knew he went there with his best friend and your father, and that you thought maybe they might all chip in for your father to have a lap dance??? Huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Confused123 That was great Engima, my thought exactly... Make the bast&&d pay for things that he normally takes for granted. Unfortunately his wife seems like one of them. I feel for you.... This guy is out of line and trying to make you feel bad for your feelings. That cruel and should not be tolerated. Tell him to make a choice, he good old boy times touchy nasty strippers or you, a women who has made a home for him and take care of him.. Which one does he want..... That would be my feelings... In all fairness, because I don't want to paint a biased picture, he is a great father, provider, and (usually) husband. He has a good job that he drives 1:15min, one way, to every day. He hands over his paycheck for me to take care of the bills with and usually doesn't carry around a lot of cash. He fixes dinner a couple times a week, helps bath the kids etc. I'm not saying he's a horrible person, just what he did crossed the line and I don't know how to make him see that. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I didn't think he was necessarily a horrible person but the only way I would tolerate that in a partner is if I didn't love him. I would still consider it cheating, but I could only stay with him if I didn't love him and he never touched me again. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 fedup - i asked if\greta had discussed strip clubs with her husband and she said only when she suggested he go with her father for his birthday on a different occassion, and none of them went - her husband eventually went, behind her back, with just his best friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup I'm with FreeMe on her stance on this. Greta, I'm confused. In your original post, you said you found out that your husband had gone to this strip club, but he lied about it, yet you forced the issue with so much evidence, etc....then, in your latest posts, you are saying that you knew he went there with his best friend and your father, and that you thought maybe they might all chip in for your father to have a lap dance??? Huh? No, no - I was answering the question of "had we ever discussed our thoughts/feelings about going to strip clubs" - We talked about the possibilty of him taking my dad & a bunch of his friends to celebrate my dads BD, I thought I would be okay with that - but they never did that. This was the 1st time he ever went to a strip club, and it was only with his best friend, not with a whole group of guys - I don't feel that he would have behaved the way he did if there had been a whole bunch of them, my dad included. Would you act that way in front of your F-I-L? Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 just what he did crossed the line and I don't know how to make him see that. so whats the dealbreaker here for you Greta? do you mainly want acknowledgement of your feelings? if he did what he did, then after a period of deliberation he relented and agreed hed done wrong, would you then forgive him? Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Greta We have some issues from prior to our marriage, I did cheat on him - he retaliated, we got married a few months later. there's the root of your problem. The bond was broken when you cheated and he will never ever fully respect you 100% as a true love. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 first time round i read 'we HAD some issues', not 'we HAVE some issues' as was the actual post Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin there's the root of your problem. The bond was broken when you cheated and he will never ever fully respect you 100% as a true love. I disagree - they've been married 9 years. That was before they were even married. If this is the first problem of this kind I doubt it has anything to do with that episode. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Greta In all fairness, because I don't want to paint a biased picture, he is a great father, provider, and (usually) husband. He has a good job that he drives 1:15min, one way, to every day. He hands over his paycheck for me to take care of the bills with and usually doesn't carry around a lot of cash. He fixes dinner a couple times a week, helps bath the kids etc. I'm not saying he's a horrible person, just what he did crossed the line and I don't know how to make him see that. Also, he has had a very hard time getting past my cheating on him before we were married (even though he had a revenge affair) He still struggles with it. I think thats why I get a lot of the double standard "That's different" crap Originally posted by BigBelm just what he did crossed the line and I don't know how to make him see that. so whats the dealbreaker here for you Greta? do you mainly want acknowledgement of your feelings? if he did what he did, then after a period of deliberation he relented and agreed hed done wrong, would you then forgive him? I think if he did admit that what he did was wrong, and crossed the line into the grey area of cheating - and agreed/promised not to go back again, that would go a long way to me getting past this. He has said "Your ready to throw away a marriage over one night at a strip club? and when put in that context it does seem extreme, especially when you consider we apparantly had our wires crossed about what is and isn't cheating. But I will not put up with him continually going to places like that and participating in that type of behavior. I think that would be the dealbreaker. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 You don't know what has been in this man's mind for the last 9 years. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 If lap dance orgasms AREN'T cheating, then oh boy, I know some really attractive guys I would love to be dry humping right now. I would not be done until I had at least 1 orgasm. And that ain't cheating either - right? Does it make it better if I slip him a $20 afterwards? Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 what a nightmare - re: the struggling with the original affair, has this been bought up as you are discussing your current situation? whats his reasoning for him going to a strip club different to you doing it because of the affair? He has said "Your ready to throw away a marriage over one night at a strip club? but you arent prepared to throw it away over the actual event are you? its the disrespect of the bragging, the lying, the threat to go again and the denial of it being wrong in the first instance. you need to be able to communicate through all this if its to work, and it seems theres quite a bit of half information going back and forwards between you. is he still punishing you for the affair, regardless of the fact his revenge affair happened? has all this time he been thinking that because you had the first affair, hes been 'one down' in the retaliation stakes? its extremely unhealthy to deal with stuff that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin You don't know what has been in this man's mind for the last 9 years. I have not lied to him, or had any enexplainable absences, or given him any cause to feel that I have ever been unfaithful to him for the last 9 years. He is the type of person to remember every single detail about the events surrounding someone who wronged him - I'm not saying I expect him to forget what I did, but he hasn't forgiven me either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by BigBelm what a nightmare - re: the struggling with the original affair, has this been bought up as you are discussing your current situation? whats his reasoning for him going to a strip club different to you doing it because of the affair? He has said "Your ready to throw away a marriage over one night at a strip club? but you arent prepared to throw it away over the actual event are you? its the disrespect of the bragging, the lying, the threat to go again and the denial of it being wrong in the first instance. you need to be able to communicate through all this if its to work, and it seems theres quite a bit of half information going back and forwards between you. is he still punishing you for the affair, regardless of the fact his revenge affair happened? has all this time he been thinking that because you had the first affair, hes been 'one down' in the retaliation stakes? its extremely unhealthy to deal with stuff that way. I think you've hit the nail on the head - I think he does feel that way (although he probably wouldn't admit it) I love my husband, I don't want to break up our family, I meant it when I said "for better or for worse, til death do us part", but I will not be a doormat. That's just as bad for children to witness as a divorce (I would know since my parents are divorced) Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen41 Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Here's what I'd do. I'd hire myself a hot male escort and have him come to the house. Tell your husband if it's ok for him it's ok for you but you'd rather do this in the privacy of your own home instead of a sleazy club. Use your husband's charge card and order the orgasm special! I'd personally get the red hot fireman with the big hose if he's available. Slam the door in your husband's face and tell him once you get off and pay the stripper then you'll return to your wifely duties and fix dinner. Or let him catch you at home getting yourself off to a magazine full of men with huge erections. Just kidding. I'd personally dump the guy, file for divorce and find a man who doesn't need all that stimulation outside of your relationship. There's a decent man out there somewhere who will give you what you want and need instead of some chick at the local strip bar who's sole purpose is to suck every dollar bill out of his wallet! Good luck - hope you survive this ordeal. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Kathleen...I agree with your way of thinking. Getting even or playing along at their ways/games/tricks won't accomplish anything other than stooping to their level. It certainly won't change anything. It's always fun to fantasize about it, though! The bottom line is what to do to solve the problem, which might result in ending the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Greta I have not lied to him, or had any enexplainable absences, or given him any cause to feel that I have ever been unfaithful to him for the last 9 years. He is the type of person to remember every single detail about the events surrounding someone who wronged him - I'm not saying I expect him to forget what I did, but he hasn't forgiven me either. I AM NOT SAYING YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG OVER THE LAST 9 YEARS. I am saying that after you cheated on him he never 100% respected you and your relationship together. When 2 people meet and form a loving bond, once that bond is broken and someone is hurt it can NEVER be the same, I don't care what anyone says. He still may love you and want you but you will never get that 100% from him because you broke that bond and cheated. Sure he cheated back but that was in spite and apparently it really didn't even the score....2 wrongs don't make a right. Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Too bad that there are children involved. Otherwise you could just dump his sorry ass. He is absolutely cheating. Don't let him try to convince you otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I'd be pissed that he blew $140 of hard earned money when he coulda gotten himself a college coed for the price of a couple latte's at starbucks and a bit of sweet talk. Link to post Share on other sites
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