Taxi Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Dear Greta, Frankly speaking, from what I've read of your posts, it seems you are anxious to give your husband another chance at making this work, but with all this crap about giving him what he deserves, etc, you are in two minds about it. Here's what I really think you should do...Tonight sit him down and tell him, without mincing any words at all, that your marriage of 9 years is under threat because of this strip club business and it probably wont be able to stand another blow like this. Now its totally upto him to make this marriage work and it seems its gonna be hard work for him to gain your trust back. If he really loves you, he'll get what you're saying, otherwise, it'll probably be better for you too to leave him. Taxi Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 YOU decide what behaviour you will accept from him and HE decides what behaviour he will accept from you. HE doesn't decide what YOU will accept from him. Sorry that isn't how it works. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 A week ago my husband of 9 years told me he was going down to the bar to shoot pool with his buddy, the next day I came to figure out that he had really been to a strip club. It turns out he spent $140 at this all nude strip club on beer, tips, and 4 lap dances (all with the same stripper) He lied about where he was going and continued to lie until he knew he had been caught (I found the jeans he had been wearing, stuffed halfway into a full dirty clothes basket, reeking of womens perfume) At this point he admited to going there and after much yelling, told me he had paid for 4 lap dances. OK, your husband of 9 years went to a strip club and subsequently lied about it. You ask whether you're overreacting? In this married guy's humble opinion, maybe a tad. Lighten up. Speaking as a guy, any "guilt" he might "feel" over the strip club outing will be extinguished by righteous rage and resentment he'll feel towards you if he perceives that you've turned into a self-righteous scold and shrew over this. Men do not like to be infantilized by self-righteous, controlling wives. It's emasculating and demeaning. It's a matter of respect. Yes, I know that he showed disrespect to you by his sex outing, and then lying about it, and you've made this very clear to him. I recommend you drop it and not throw it in his face time and again. Because if you continue with the scoldings, that guy, if he has any self-respect, is outta there. And if his behavior warrants a divorce, then divorce him. Don't torture him to death. Be very careful with your rage. You may reap what you sow. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by zarathustra Be very careful with your rage. You may reap what you sow. Nice blame shift there. A perfect example of the downward spiral todays society is taking. RESPONSIBILITY PEOPLE!!!!! ACCEPT IT DON'T PASS IT Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I recommend you drop it and not throw it in his face time and again i recommend you talk this through with him Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 i recommend you talk this through with him Exactly. Try, just try, to reach some type of closure, however imperfect. Then, let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 i wish i could do proper quotes. i look all unprofessional in comparison Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 i wish i could do proper quotes. i look all unprofessional in comparison You appear to know what you're talking about. That's much more important. As for quoting: Highlight with a mouse, by left clicking, what you want to copy, hit post reply and then go to the BB Code. Click on quote and paste the language to the right of the flashing cursor. Then hit quote and place to the right of what you copied. Like bookends. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by zarathustra You appear to know what you're talking about. That's much more important. As for quoting: Highlight with a mouse, by left clicking, what you want to copy, hit post reply and then go to the BB Code. Click on quote and paste the language to the right of the flashing cursor. Then hit quote and place to the right of what you copied. Like bookends. Good luck. did it work? i only wanted to quote a bit and it got it all. i am going to go mad with me quotes now. i'll never shut up thanks Z Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 Well, when the husband in question came home from work yesterday, he told me he had done a lot of thinking while at work. He discussed the situation with a couple co-workers (who told him he should not attempt to go back any time soon, "just let this smooth over for a while") He did say that he was wrong for taking it that far with the lap dances (he still refuses to call it cheating, but "since it hurts me it would be wrong for him to continue buying lap dances") and that yes he still would like to go back and said he would not from buy any lap dances on any future trips. (which I could probably live with if I could trust him to refrain after he's been drinking & his buddy has been buying them and his friend is sitting there whispering in his ear "come on, just do it - she'll never know") He also said that I could have done a lot more over the last 10 years, after I cheated before we were married, to make him feel more secure, wanted , attractive, and chosen rather than settled for (which he has told me before) And I admit I could have done more to go out of my way to make him feel special (as previously stated, I'm not perfect - far from it) He feels that my lack of effort was a big contributing factor to him, and I quote, "trying to find a way to be with another woman without actually cheating" (do I take this to mean "feel special"?) I feel that his main idea of "doing more" consists of me initiating sex more & doing more to spice things up & keep it exciting (which, face it - after 12 years of being together, 3 kids, work & life in general - there's not always a lot of extra time/energy for consistantly passionate interludes) And he feels that he's been the one putting forth all the effort in the bedroom. So if that's the way he feels & he doesn't perceive me as making enough effort, that does make me feel like I have no one to blame but myself (considering that he informed me of feeling that way prior to this situation) for him seeking that out. But on the other hand I sometimes miss that newness & excitement that comes with a new relationship - but I don't go out and actively "seek ways to be with (feel that excitement) another man without technically cheating" I do realize that one person can't be/give another person everything that they ever need, but it bothers me that he thinks about seeking out other women to achieve sexual satisfaction. Marriage = complete monogomy (unless you're in a mutally agreed on open marriage) Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Interesting. I'm troubled by his blaming you and your sex life for his sex outing. That's not only cliche, it's unfair. Too easy. The truth be told , Greta, that many married men, even happily married, sexually satisfied gents, would, if given the opportunity, do what your husband did. Morality, for many, not all , men is frequently a lack of opportunity. It would have been better had he admitted his error in judgment and promised not to betray you, again. Now, he has linked his "bad boy" behavior to uninspiring marital sex for which he holds you responsible. That's a cheap shot , and rises to a "blame the victim" level. I wouldn't buy into that. If you guys want to recharge your sex life, be my guest. But that should not be done because he came with a stripper. Don't let him use your sex life as the "fall guy." Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by zarathustra Now, he has linked his "bad boy" behavior to uninspiring marital sex for which he holds you responsible. That's a cheap shot , and rises to a "blame the victim" level. I wouldn't buy into that. If you guys want to reccharge your sex life, be my guest. But that should not be done because he came with a stripper. Don't let him use your sex life as the "fall guy." Well said. I agree. You can make more of an effort, but his bad behavior and lying was not your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetbilly Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Hey Zarathustra, I love your agent smith. My cousin did a significant portion of the graphics in both of the new matrix movies. You can see his name in the credits. I just wanted to comment. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I'd say your cousin is one talented dude. By the way, the third Matrix flick was pretty good. Although I still love that first one. Trinity! What a babe!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Oh geez. I love this. The same people who cheered on a female poster when she complained that she wasn't valued sexually or made to feel wanted and therefore wanted to go have an affair are now coming down hard because a man is saying the same things. Nice. Very nice. Greta, your husband had to do what so many wives do; he said he didn't feel wanted or valued and asked you for more of same. You admit you didn't give it to him. Now, if the roles were reversed, a whole bunch of LSers would line up cheering you on when you said you needed an affair to feel like a whole, sexual woman again. Guess what. Men are human, too. They need to be wanted, valued, and to know that they are attractive. I have no more respect for a woman who refuses to offer that sort of support to her husband than I do a man who refuses it to his wife. You can continue to cast all the blame on him while starving him of the very things he's asked you for (again, LSers en masse would suggest a woman leave in such circumstances) OR you can work on your marriage. You choose. Try giving http://www. <removed> a read. The point is made there that BOTH partners deserve to have their needs met. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetbilly Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I'll let him know you liked them, I loved all three. The parts he did in the flick were the highway scene, the scene where Trinity jumps out the window, the castle scene, the scene where Neo shoots straight in the air, and a few others. He actually meet all the actors in the flick, including the chick that played Trinity "jealous", I am. he made a killing doing the graphics, 100,000 per movie, he says he's going to quit because he works too many hrs, and is underpaid! Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 will reply more later as am at work, but greta - thats excellent news and massive progress. i am concerned like Z at the justification of his exploits, plus also at you accepting the blame, but it seems like you have really opened up the discussion and started getting down to the nitty gritty of cause and effect. i think hes prob said lots of stuff on the defensive - plus if we sit here and type furiously at how wrong he is for this shift in blame, he knows damn well hes in the wrong - and hes not expecting his every word to be diagnosed on the internet by all us sticky beakers - hes never have said it if he thought it was open for discussion with hundreds of posters in LS - just like earlier i said he knew damn well that doing what he did in the first place was wrong. i am surprised at how you have accepted this expl;aination of going to see strippers being your fault though - if you feel its the best way to save your marriage to accept what he says, then thats fine, but you dont have to agree, you have to be able to demonstrate how this thinking has led you to this awful nightmare situation - and it seems you have done that effectively because hes acknowledging his behaviour as hurtful. its one thing accepting what he says, just dont AGREE that you have caused this situation. accept it and start to build a responsive relationship on how youd both like things to be - together, not how they are. he wants things to change and so do you - this is a fantastic opportunity for you both to be able to do that will read everyone elses responses properly later Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Oh geez. I love this. The same people who cheered on a female poster when she complained that she wasn't valued sexually or made to feel wanted and therefore wanted to go have an affair are now coming down hard because a man is saying the same things. The situations are not remotely comparable. Uninspired marital sex is not the same thing as no sex for years. Get your facts, right, dear. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 All I can say is I'm dying to hear why it is that a woman can seek an affair when her husband isn't 'meeting her needs' but it's not ok for a man to seek outside entertainment. Come on, LSers. You know who you are. Explain, please. I'm guessing that there's a huge double standard here. Men aren't supposed to need to feel valued, right? They're supposed to be tough and macho and not care if their wives give them any sort of emotional reinforcement, right? Yeesh. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 HOW does everyone else get their replies in before me? i am way way too slow. i turn my back for a second, submit what i think and lo and behold, theres an extra page of typing i have missed baaah Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 merry - you are just too fast for me girl! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 The situations are not remotely comparable. Uninspired marital sex is not the same thing as no sex for years. Get your facts, right, dear. Darling, it's not just about quantity and quality of sex. It's about emotional intimacy. He also said that I could have done a lot more over the last 10 years, after I cheated before we were married, to make him feel more secure, wanted , attractive, and chosen rather than settled for (which he has told me before) And I admit I could have done more to go out of my way to make him feel special I guarantee you that if a woman had posted this, LSers would be falling over themselves to show their empathy for her and to diss the unfeeling slob who was not giving her what she needed. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 All I can say is I'm dying to hear why it is that a woman can seek an affair when her husband isn't 'meeting her needs' but it's not ok for a man to seek outside entertainment. Come on, LSers. You know who you are. Explain, please. No one is making the argument you posit. Stick to the Thread. The so-called 'double standard" exists in your fertile imagination, only. It's good to see you're as warm and friendly as ever. Still bitter are we? Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 merry - you are just too fast for me girl! It's me, I always bring out the beast, sorry, best, in "merry." Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Zara dear, you make a much better case when you refrain from ad hominem attacks. Now read the post above your last couple. Wait a minute. You're starting to sound VERY familiar. Link to post Share on other sites
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