Don't understand Act like you've moved on

[jazzfan4144]

She left over a week ago and after I played emotional and calling I finally left her alone. I've gotten some books and seeing a counseler. Yet, when I read some people's advice they say to act like you've moved on. I get the act confident, fix yourself mentality, but seeming uninterested? I don't like the idea of looking like I moved to the only woman I want to be with.

 

If some has real life experience with this advice I'd love to her it. I am willing to do anything to get my wife back, but that one seem counterproductive. Thanks

[Albertan]

The whole like you have moved on is two fold a) first to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The sooner you act better, eat healthier, stop sitting around the house crying etc then you keep repeating positive steps it becomes part of the norm and b) to give the impression to your ex that your moving on and therefore appear more attractive.

 

Real Life experience:

1st wife I "talked" to for about 6 weeks, asking what I could do, being generally pathetic and needy. When I started going out more and by total coincidence she happened to see me with another girl in the mall (there was nothing going on we were just friends) then she suddenly started taking more interest and initiating conversation more.

 

Reality though is ex's seem to have a sixth sense with this stuff. Whilst my ex had seemed more interested it was not until I actually felt myself a few months later that I was moving on (and meeting new and interesting women) that suddenly my ex went into overdrive. She spent the next 2 months begging me to take her back, almost stalking at one point. It was pathetic and needy and a real turn off......

[drewsmom]

I had a bad couple weeks after my stbxh dropped the d on me, it wasnt to get him back that I picked myself up, it was because I have a 6yr old son that needed me, he didnt need a broken mother who laid around crying all the time or wasting my time begging not knowing if he would ever come back. this was last january, he had a gf then, I went on and did everything I did before we separated, he didnt like it at all, I think he thought I should be crying and begging him. I never once asked him to come home.

 

 

before christmas I found out he was single again, he was whining to his family he couldnt meet a nice girl, I talk to his sil sometimes, I told her mabey the girl he left me for was nice but he scared her away, mabey the next girl he should let her fall in love with him before he shows his true colors, anyway, I was having a guy over last friday nite, just as friends, he found out and the next day he was acting funny when he took my son home, that night he called all nite cause my sister was here and he thought she was here to babysit and I was going out. we didnt answer his phone calls and 8:30 he came flying through my door(I am still in our marital home until it is sold) asking what was going on, I threw him out, the weekend before he followed me to where I went because the next day he said did you have fun at the casino, I guess the grass isnt always greener. I am done with him, I mean in the beginning I was willing to work things out, but he would have had to be the one to come to me, Too late for tears now. he was so used to having all the control and now he has none. just last nite he had my son over nite, my son never calls me to say goodnite, last nite he called and stbx was in the background saying tell her to pick it up, tell her to pick it up, I wasnt home.

 

 

 

I will tell you the 18 phone calls last week had nothing to do with him wanting to talk to my son, I encourage him to see my son, sunday son called him to ask if he could see him and stbx said no, and no explanation why, so the calls werent about speaking to him(he is supose to call him twice a day his lawyer told him 15 times is excessive) well saturday he had called him twice, and dropped him off at 4 so there was no need for all the calls. I must admit I kinda get a kick out of it, mabbey its karma, hows it feel.

[BlindRage]

I had a bad couple weeks after my stbxh dropped the d on me, it wasnt to get him back that I picked myself up, it was because I have a 6yr old son that needed me, he didnt need a broken mother who laid around crying all the time or wasting my time begging not knowing if he would ever come back. this was last january, he had a gf then, I went on and did everything I did before we separated, he didnt like it at all, I think he thought I should be crying and begging him. I never once asked him to come home.

 

 

before christmas I found out he was single again, he was whining to his family he couldnt meet a nice girl, I talk to his sil sometimes, I told her mabey the girl he left me for was nice but he scared her away, mabey the next girl he should let her fall in love with him before he shows his true colors, anyway, I was having a guy over last friday nite, just as friends, he found out and the next day he was acting funny when he took my son home, that night he called all nite cause my sister was here and he thought she was here to babysit and I was going out. we didnt answer his phone calls and 8:30 he came flying through my door(I am still in our marital home until it is sold) asking what was going on, I threw him out, the weekend before he followed me to where I went because the next day he said did you have fun at the casino, I guess the grass isnt always greener. I am done with him, I mean in the beginning I was willing to work things out, but he would have had to be the one to come to me, Too late for tears now. he was so used to having all the control and now he has none. just last nite he had my son over nite, my son never calls me to say goodnite, last nite he called and stbx was in the background saying tell her to pick it up, tell her to pick it up, I wasnt home.

 

 

 

I will tell you the 18 phone calls last week had nothing to do with him wanting to talk to my son, I encourage him to see my son, sunday son called him to ask if he could see him and stbx said no, and no explanation why, so the calls werent about speaking to him(he is supose to call him twice a day his lawyer told him 15 times is excessive) well saturday he had called him twice, and dropped him off at 4 so there was no need for all the calls. I must admit I kinda get a kick out of it, mabbey its karma, hows it feel.

 

 

Awesome post

[sirweasles]

I'm with ya bro I will never act like im moving on till its time to actually move on. To me its an open door saying go do your thing im ok with it. eccept im not and in order to be me to truely be the person i want her to come back too i have to be me if she chooses not to eccept me then thats that but i cannot and will not pretend to be anything other than who i am I love my wife with every fiber of my being and will fight till the bitter end to get her back I do not believe that making her feel that I have moved on is in any way a good plan. Some women are very independent and very hard headed in order to save a relationship with them you have to prove your love and prove your self at the same time my best advise would be to let her know you love her often enough but not over board dont bring up relation ship issues and try to become that person she was in love with again talk to her as often as she is willing and be upbeat and act as though you are doing good dont lie dont wine dont try for simpathy just listen to her be there for her and let her know you love her show her that you are sombody worth loving

[Steadfast]

Speaking personally, I can't say that my attitude was an 'act' when the ex admitted to her affair. Then again, it took every ounce of my will to not talk to her about our relationship, ask for answers, or what we needed to do as a couple. All of the above just pushed her away farther and I didn't want that. So, on the advice of a very good friend, I gave her what she wanted. I know far more about the circumstances now, but that didn't make it any easier then. FWIW, my pulling away did change her attitude, but not enough.

 

No matter what the situation, the whole idea is to make wise decisions. For some, that's a recon. For others, it's dealing with the hand you've been dealt. For all is the realization that one shouldn't have to endure disrespect in the name of 'love'. The two go hand in hand. At some point, we all must determine what we will, or won't accept.

[sirweasles]

No matter what the situation, the whole idea is to make wise decisions. For some, that's a recon. For others, it's dealing with the hand you've been dealt. For all is the realization that one shouldn't have to endure disrespect in the name of 'love'. The two go hand in hand. At some point, we all must determine what we will, or won't accept.

 

''

This is really good. We all deal with things in our own way some find it easier to move on and some dont. You need to respect yourself enough to make your own choices what feels right to one person may not feel right to you take pride in yourself becouse if you dont nobody else will.

[What_Next]

It's a fine line between showing that you will "be fine" without them and being cold and distant. It is CRITICALLY important to realize that very few woman will be attracted to a whining, crying man. Now on the flip side they won't be attracted to a man that appears to not give a damn about her either.

[jazzfan4144]

Thanks for all the advice! What Next, I like the way you put it. It does seem to be a fine line. I want to make myself more attractive, but only towards her. I would hate to think she sees me and thinks I'm doing good after the seperation and that I'll be okay by myself. I do agree the whining and begging won't win her back, that's why I won't ever do that again. Confidence and faith, those two will hopefully win back my wife. Thanks again!

[debtman]

I spent the first 3 months after wife asked for D and started sleeping with OM acting very cold and distant. I'm still very hurt that she just dumped our entire 10 year relationship, made a decision that will seriously impact our kids lives (as well as both of ours) for a guy she had met 3 weeks before, who is still married and has 2 kids of his own.

 

Things are beginning to change now. I'm moving on, I'm exercising, getting involved in my old hobbies, making new friends, trying new things and generally, enjoying myself. The time I spend with my kids is ALL about us and I'm not frustrated or upset when I'm with them anymore because I don't have someone else telling me how to parent, telling me what I need to take care of, etc.

 

I still have moments where I miss her, miss the friendship and comfortable relationship we had. I have moments of loneliness, but, I did something VERY helpful. I wrote out a list of all the things that I DON'T like about her, things that always bothered me that I didn't ever make an issue of because I never wanted to change her like she wanted to change me. Now, whenever I feel wistful, I look at that list, smile, and think about all the things the OM has in store for him. He did me a favor by convincing her that she didn't need to stay in an unhappy relationship. He didn't realize that she's just an unhappy, unsatisfied person who is too stubborn to admit she has any problems and will never seek help for them.

 

She's looking for a rental home or a house to buy right now, so, hopefully, in March I'll be able to move out of my parents house and back into MY house. THEN, life will REALLY be able to start again and I'm REALLY looking forward to getting my life back. I was a VERY happy, confident, relaxed person when I met her. Not so much at the end of our relationship. I'm looking forward to getting back to that. I'm looking forward to teaching my kids how to have that in their lives. How to follow their dreams, how to do what makes THEM happy. And, eventually, when the right circumstances and person comes along, how to have a healthy, loving, sharing and accepting relationship.

 

My stbx told me the other day that our son is expressing some "rebellious behavior" toward the OM because she thinks he might be seeing the OM as a competitor for my stbx's attention. This is EXACTLY what the mediator told us might happen if we introduced a new person to the kids in the first 6-9 months after the D, but my W just got angry when she heard that and was sure that she knew what was best for our kids.

 

She still hasn't met OM's kids because he hasn't gotten his W to sign a separation agreement yet, so he doesn't want his W to find out about his new relationship...quite a tangled mess going on over there...SO not my problem.

 

At least she's moving out and he's not moving in (which was the original plan) to see if they can live together so that they can buy a house together.

 

Just looking forward to moving on, so I don't have to ACT like I'm looking forward to it. I do still love her, but I could never get back into a relationship with her after the way she treated me through all of this, the things she said about our relationship and the ease at which she fell in with this new guy, just because he giving her his full attention and is totally focused on her...which is what happens with new relationships...

 

Anyway, my advice, there's nothing wrong with letting her know that you care and are willing to WORK on things if she decides she wants to do that, but also, let her know by your actions that you're not going to stand, waiting in the wings until she decides whether or not to come back or move on. Face the fact that, while it sucks to be passed over by someone you love, there are many opportunities out there for love and, loving yourself and focusing on yourself is the BEST thing you can do for any HEALTHY relationship...

 

Good luck!!

[Duckduckgoose]

Debtman's post is a good one, it shows a lot of thought and integrity. During a divorce its best to focus on yourself, because focusing on the other person that did what they did to you only gives them power and hampers your ability to move on.

 

The list of what you didn't like, awesome... should be mandatory for anyone going through this kind of thing... I have my paper and gonna make one for the fridge

 

If only there was thumbs up or "like" button for posts.

[jazzfan4144]

I appreciate all your replies! Saying that, I seem to sense a theme on alot of these threads. Maybe I haven't looked enough but all I find are stories of love lost and marriages ruined. I asked for advice on keeping myself strong and motivated while trying to get my wife back. Yet I received posts on how some have gotten over their lost loves. Let me be clear, in NO WAY am I disrespecting or ignoring the advice on this message board or others on which I have posted. I came to this site for help reconciling my marriage, not help getting over it. I love my wife very much. I married her with the intention of spending forever with her. I am not blind to the reality I live in. I know full well I will be sleeping alone in our bed tonight. However, I have complete faith that our love and bond is stronger than selfish mistakes and bloated arguments.

 

I will continue to work out, search for answers to the millions of questions that race around my head every minute of everyday. My goal is to present myself as the best me I can be so that the love of my life sees why she said yes, with a smile and a tear trailing down her cheek. I ask for advice in order to make me better, more attractive, more open to communication, a better husband. Thank you for reading my post and for any and ALL replies.

[debtman]

jazzfan4144,

 

You are correct, most of the replies you've gotten are from people who have decided to move on and, while they may still love their W or XW (as I do) and while they probably all got married with every intention of it being forever, either they didn't have that opportunity, or, (as in my case) they just can't let themselves get set up to be treated the way they were again.

 

However, there are several people on here who's posts may be incredibly helpful to you and who you may want to send a PM. Two who come immediately to mind, who are in the reconciliation process right now, are surfer203 and What_Next. Check out their posts, see where they were, and then look at where they are. They may be able to provide you with some insight...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t254556/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233265/

 

Good luck...

[jazzfan4144]

Debtman: A thousand thank you's!!!

[Steadfast]

Let me be clear, in NO WAY am I disrespecting or ignoring the advice on this message board or others on which I have posted. I came to this site for help reconciling my marriage, not help getting over it. I love my wife very much. I married her with the intention of spending forever with her. I am not blind to the reality I live in. I know full well I will be sleeping alone in our bed tonight. However, I have complete faith that our love and bond is stronger than selfish mistakes and bloated arguments

 

Understood, but in turn, please know that most everyone here either feels, or felt the way you do. Be advised this is a divorce and separation forum, and while there are active members who have or are in the process of reconciliation, it is fairly rare. Especially if the wife has moved out. Please understand these are averages, not a death sentence to your marriage.

 

You seem well aware, but just the same I'll remind you there are no magic words, phrases or actions. Marriage is a union between two people who love each other. Two people with freewill who choose to be with, and love their partner. One committed is not good enough. If it were, the divorce rate would drop by 98% overnight. Please tell us a little more about your marriage breakup, and where things stand now. For now, just breathe!

[2.50 a gallon]

From the previous posts I suspect that you are not getting the whole picture. What I beleive that you are referring to is the 180. I am not an expert, but from what I understand you don't totally ignore your WS, but it gives you directions for not making matter worse. No begging, no I love yous, no gifts, no relation talk, all of these make you appear to be weak in your WS eyes.

 

As for moving on, get involved in life, get back to your old hobbies, or get a hobby, improve yourself, two of my suggests are to take dancing classes, and what worked for me, was teaching myself how to cook seom gourmet meals.

 

Also, get out and do things, visit with friends, to out and listen to music, play pool with you friends, anything to get you out of the house of gloom.

 

In short moving on means, to quote an old Vet, Gunny, "Get busy living, or get busy dieing."

[2.50 a gallon]

One other thoughts as to making the WS think you no longer care. It worked for me.

 

I caught her kissing the OM and kicked her to the curb. My neighbor was an associate OM, and when his wife was gone that weekend, he threw a party for my XW and her OM. A chance for her to rub my face in it.

 

She came by several times with workmates to pick up her things. And enjoyed try to rub more slat in the wound

 

A month later, when the neighbors wife was again out of town, he held another BBQ for the new couple. Again, she dropped by the apartment, wanting to visit with our cats, and spent and hour telling me how much better life was. With me basically telling her I could care less. When she got ready to leave she spotted and empty champaign bottle in the trash, quickly chected the frig to see two more bottle cooling, and knew that I had already had sex with someone other than her.

 

At that moment she did a total 180, and began to cry and beg for me to take her back. She even went outside and yelled to the neighbors all of the sexual short comings of the OM.

 

She knew that I had moved on, she spent the next 3 to 4 years trying to get me back, with no luck

[debtman]

Good stuff 2.50. I've been out dancing twice and, not only had a great time, but met some really nice women, who are legitimately interested in me which made me feel great, more confident about moving on, and leaving the stbx (and ALL her issues and problems) to the OM.

 

She is always telling me what a great listener the OM is, what a wonderful conversationalist, how their ideas of a relationship are identical, etc. Even though she's only known him 5 months, he's still married, has to spend time with his kids (not much, but is gone every other weekend) and all of his hobbies are warm-weather hobbies, so he's spending all his time with her for now.

 

She's still trying to tell me what to do, telling me I shouldn't start skydiving again (which I did for 15 years before she asked me to stop 5 years ago "because of the kids"), but, it's just not any of her business anymore.

 

We're being very civil, even joking around once and a while about things with the kids (mostly because I've just let things go as far as her affair, the OM, me moving out of my house for now, etc. for the sake of the kids).

 

Next month, she is moving into a little rental place and I get to move back into the house, which is GREAT for me and for getting my life going again. Of course, it sucks financially because now I have to pay mortgage, child support AND my debt payment (which only has 14 months left until I'm debt free after 3 years of dedication), but I'm SOOO looking forward to getting her one more step out of my life.

 

We had our last mediation session, just have to sign and submit the papers, and it will finally all be over except for our involvement regarding the kids.

 

Once the D is final, I think I'll be fine being civil to the OM since she won't be my W anymore and she'll be HIS problem now...little does he know...heh, heh...

 

Anyway, life just keeps getting better and better. No more walking on eggshells, wondering if I will find Jekyl or Hyde when I get home, no more listening to her yelling at the kids (or me) all the time and no more being locked into doing what she wants!!

 

Freedom!!!