Hopless Romantic Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Greetings all!! I am new to this website and I have browsed some forums and I really like the insight and advice that I have seen, now I am a question for all of you out here. I have been with my current girlfriend for about 8 months now and We have a very close relationship and we talk about and share everything with each other. So the more I know and Learn the more I feel bad for the life that she once had because it was not that healthy or it went bad and was for a while. So I guess are there some things that I just shouldnt know or because we are so close and we share so much is it ok, and I just have to not go back and revisit old issues she had. Maybe my concern is that the old issues still have an impact on her present life, and how does that effect the relationship she is now in with me? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Only you can figure out how much you can stand to deal with. There are a LOT of people who have posted here who got freaked out over their SO's pasts. Other folks, like me, aren't bothered. Some people are at peace with the fact that a person's past is in the past. Maybee my concern is that the old issues still have an impact on her present life, and how does that effect the relationship she is now in with me One of my reasons for being interested in my SO's past is that it gives me insight into 'where he's coming from' to use an old saw. IMHO, it helps more to understand how someone feels certain ways or reacts certain ways - and I figure that understanding one's loved one is pretty crucial to getting along with him. However, if you are the sort who gets jealous easily and can't bear the thought of your SO with others, ask her not to go into details. Me, I have such a poor imagination that I can't conjure up troublesome images anyway LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 The past is one thing....keeping it there is quite another. Everyone has baggage after some point in their life, and it can be accepted as "the past" and forgiven if your SO doesn't keep wanting to revisit it with some regularity. If they so have this tendency, you may begin to wonder if they miss something or someone from their past and you might even resent it to the point that it severly affects your relationship. I can't say often enough how important respect for an SO is in maintaining a healthy relationship. If this behavior bother either one of you then "stop doing it !!!" One last thing.....forgiveness can be given, but things once shared can never be forgotten, and it's impossible to fight someone's ghosts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopless Romantic Posted March 24, 2004 Author Share Posted March 24, 2004 Originally posted by Dug The past is one thing....keeping it there is quite another. Everyone has baggage after some point in their life, and it can be accepted as "the past" and forgiven if your SO doesn't keep wanting to revisit it with some regularity. If they so have this tendency, you may begin to wonder if they miss something or someone from their past and you might even resent it to the point that it severly affects your relationship. I can't say often enough how important respect for an SO is in maintaining a healthy relationship. If this behavior bother either one of you then "stop doing it !!!" One last thing.....forgiveness can be given, but things once shared can never be forgotten, and it's impossible to fight someone's ghosts. True indeed, the past is the past and I know the significance of revealing bones from the closet. Its funny, cause I have thought that she might be missing some of her past and revisiting its causing her to get nostalgic. Yet, deep down I Think she wants to share it with me so she can free herself of what was, of course the more I know the more I ruminate on some of the above about her missing the past. So I am still unsure, but I dont help sometimes because I a m curious too. I think that based on our level of communication and intimacy thats its fine, I just have to understand that I dont have to compete with her past, I have to be with her in the present and provide her with all the positives and be real. Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 I think the past must be kept out of a new relationship. Deal with those bones with a professional therapist, don't make a mess out a still pure thing before it has the chance to get off the ground and get a little messy itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Ofcourse the past always lingers in the person's present. It's what makes them who they are. I think the trick is to figure out if you can love them though the baggage. It's a very important decision. I stay single because MY BAGGAGE won't fit in some guy's house. HAHA! Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess I stay single because MY BAGGAGE won't fit in some guy's house. HAHA! that what i told a friend of mine! Only allow carry-ons! no checked baggage! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopless Romantic Posted March 24, 2004 Author Share Posted March 24, 2004 Fiquring out you can love them with their baggage. I believe I can, And I know that the past forms ones present Identity and that if they are happy with the present they wont be adversly effected by the past. I emphathize with her past, and as long as it does not creat disharmony then I am fine with it. Although, we may both be better off in th e long run If I say that we dont need to go their anymore, I know enough already... Link to post Share on other sites
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